Conclusion to Lehan Winifred Ramsay’s mini-series


Two men stand on the dais before the Great Walk On The Water. It is The Course of History and Only One Man can Survive. There is Mister A Boat. And there is Mister Rudder.

Neither of them of course prepared to admit that the most vehement, the most emphatic subject of their campaign was based entirely on the boatiness of their names and how that was going to resonate to the public. Even Mister Rupert Murdoch has not been shameless enough to invoke the name of the McCales Navy in this fight-to-the-death, preferring a more nuanced referencing of Hogan’s Heroes. This is probably because he can edge in not only a reference to women but also the ongoing social controversy in America concerning weapons and therefore get the conversation round to John Howard again.

This is The Walk On Water and it should not even be attempted by someone who is not prepared to swear that they will in their determination to become the Leader of This Great Country of Ours try absolutely anything. Things that ordinarily you would be put into a mental hospital for, things that ordinarily might be considered not cricket. Mister A Boat is prepared to say that he would consider anal sex, that’s pretty shocking and it is not going to be topped by Mister Rudder and that is probably why he is going to fall through that great Partisan Platform out there. We all know that, apparently, even though the contest has not yet begun. Anyone who doesn’t know that is really dumb.

There are other rituals for the attaining of manhood and Leadership of course but since that nasty incident last year with the Walking Barefoot On Coals at one of those Tony Robbins events nobody is even going to suggest them. So that’s enough of a lead-in here, our two candidates are at the waters shore now and they have taken off their shiny black shoes being careful to untie the laces first and peeled off their breathable socks cuts down on athletes foot and they have taken their first steps and YES! It DOES! It DOES look like they can walk on water! In fact they ARE, they ARE walking on water it is a small miracle here today folks but a big one for Christianity which is being redeemed as we watch. Oh god, the humanity.

A bold step each of them takes out onto the water and another and another both looking very confident and somehow bigger and more emphatic with each step. But oh Mister Rudder has just dropped below the surface of the water some of the security are just donning life jackets and reading health and safety regulations they will be out there in just a moment. But oh wait there is a kind of choir that has popped up there they are singing. Everything’s all right now everything’s fine. And it’s cool and the ointments sweet for the fire in your head and feet and I think this was meant to be an interlude it is clear that Mister Crow has really done a lovely job with the local volunteers and this could be a bit of a highlight. We are just segueing smoothly into Les Miserables now. Mister Rudd has been pulled in by a pole with a robotic looking arm there.

Mister A Boat, he is still walking. He is just walking and walking, across the water, and from here his hair it seems to be growing, almost leonine, the hair dye seems to be fading, from here he appears almost hawkish, it is quite remarkable. I understand that it looked good to start them both off at the Parliament House but Mister A Boat is just getting further and further away, who knows where it is going to end today. People have started blowing whistles now, trying to get his attention there is talk of ordering in some of those things from the South African World Soccer Cup vuvulesas perhaps but he seems distracted by something, he is looking a little up into the sky, he seems to be seeing something there, something up there, in the sky. Anyway that’s how it happened here today.