Story by a Hairy Dog that lives at Emmjay’s Place
The too-familiar sound of a large black limo crushing the gravel in the Pig’s Arms carpark rang through the front bar and sent a chill up the spines of the assembled bludgers watching a re-run of Roman Polanski’s Chinatown (starring Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway).
There was the otherwise reassuring thunk-thunk of german steel as two of the behemoth’s doors slammed shut and a short, stout balding man in a dark grey suit strode across the forecourt and through the main door of the pub.
“All right” he announced to the punters – who were reluctant to accept a disruption at that crucial point when Polanski, doing a cameo of some minor punk, inserts his shiv into Jake Gittoes’ left nostril and does a little freelance plastic surgery.
“ALL RIGHT” the grey man repeated,”Where the fuck is Eddie ?”
Merv and the punters had been startled, not by the try-harding grand standing short, fat grey man, but by the geyser of claret that had sprung from Jack Nicholson’s nose when the stiletto did its worst. They were all taking a sympathy sip to calm their nerves and nobody had paid much attention to the short, fat, and (did I mention ?) grey man.
“I SAID …..”
“Yeah, we know what you said” said Hung, in his best DILLIGAF impression.
“Do you know who I am ?” inquired the short, fat, balding grey man (SFBGM)
“Reuben F Scarf ?” guessed Hung.
“WHAT ?” said the SFBGM. “I said, Reuben F Scarf” said Hung. “The name on the inside pocket of your suit”.
A round of horse laughing circled the front bar, but the SFBGM wasn’t amongst the punters enjoying the leg pull.
“Look, mate, nobody gives a stuff who you are, but you’re still welcome in the Pig’s Arms” said Merv.
“This is Arturo Sinister Demons” said a swarthy chap redolent of dolmades and aged falafels, who had suddenly appeared and taken the SBFGM’s back.
“Will you guys save it for the commercial break?” said Hung. “Jack Nicholson’s just fished another one out of the reservoir”.
“Well, how about that !” said Voice. “Mr Sinister Demons knows a thing or two about the water game too”
“And he knows what it’s like to have a taste of IPECAC” added Merv, who had finally joined the dots.
“Unusual for Federal Senators to front IPECAC” added Voice. “And Assistant Treasurers”, said Hung. “Even more unusual to have a family tree that grows in the shade of Johnny the Rodent and has roots right across to Eddie O’Bad on the other side !”
Sinister Demons was not well pleased. He smashed his silver-handled cane on the bar and said “For the last time, where the fuck is Eddie ?”
“He’s moved in across the road next to Rosie’s Tattoo Emporium and House of Pain” said Merv. But before Sinister Demons could turn on his heel and bust through the front door, Merv added “But you won’t find him there”.
Demons stood about an inch and a half away from Merv and said through gnashing teeth “Well, WHERE will I find him ?”
“One of the Cook’s River Sea Scouts found him floating in the drink, face up this morning. That is, what was left of his face was up” Said Hung”.
“Make mine a pint” said Demons and shot a look around the bar like the cat that had just scored all the cream. “And a pink drink for Ian when he gets here”.
 DILLIGAF – do I look like I give a fuck