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Story by Pig’s Arms North America Correspondent, Neville Cole
The best thing about being the Pig’s Arms North American correspondent is the unspoken freedom I have to do whatever it takes to chase down a story. Interestingly, I have learned over the years that the best stories don’t have to be chased. The best stories come to you. The trick is letting them find you.
This can be tougher than it seems. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve sat for hours at the bar of some swanky hotel eating mixed nuts and ordering overpriced cocktails waiting for something important to happen; but, every now and then, it does.
Case in point… Not long ago I was hanging out on the beltway, working the angles, trying to wrangle an exclusive with President Obama when quite by accident (or was it fate?) I happened to spot this miserable-looking bloke sitting all alone in a dark corner. He appeared to be quite literally crying in his beer.
When he lifted up his face to the flickering light, I could just make out that it was none other than reigning Australian Prime Minister, Tony Abbott. I decided to see if couldn’t cheer the poor bastard up. I ordered up two Pink Fizzes and wandered over to make my acquaintance. Here’s how our conversation went:
Me: Hey bud… You look like you could use a drink.
Tony (wiping eyes): Wha? Who? What?
Me: Pink Fizz?
Tony: Oh… Ah… Sure. Why not?
Me: Tough day?
Tony: Wasn’t supposed to be. This was going to be my chance to shine. I met with POTUS today.
Me: You met with the President of the United States? Wow!
Tony: He’s POTUS, so what? I’m the PMA. I was born for this job! People know I get stuck right in to it and that’s exactly what I wanted Barack Obama to find out for himself. I didn’t tell him just what he wanted to hear either. I let him know what I thought of his taxation policy for a start.
Me: How did that go over?
Tony: How do you think? He looked at me like I had just floated in to town on a boat.
Me: That’s not right… He may be the leader of the free world; but you’re the wonder down under and if anyone knows about unfair taxation policies, it’s you.
Tony: Thanks, mate. That’s kind of you to say; but, to tell the truth, I don’t feel like the wonder down under. Right now, I feel a lot more like poor old Jesus.
Me: Jesus?
Tony: Cause I’m being crucified in the press.
Me: What for?
Tony: For one, they’re all saying I’m not a real conservationist.
Me: You’re a terrific conversationalist! I can tell that right off the bat…
Tony: That’s what I was telling that Barack Obama. I told him I reckon we all should rest lightly on the planet. I let him know that the terms “conservative” and “conservation” have common root cause both of them mean keeping all the good stuff for ourselves.
Me: Sounds like the two of you had a very constructive and genial discussion.
Tony: I thought so. I just want to do the right thing by our planet, you know. That’s why I keep in such close contact with all them forestry blokes and mining companies…they’re the ones out in the field. They are in touch with the earth every day. They know what’s going on. But this Barack Obama…to be honest, I don’t think he got where I was coming from.
Me: Too bad George W isn’t running things still…something tells me you and he would’ve see eye to eye.
Tony: Of course. You see. The great thing about GW is… he knows Jesus. I was trying to tell Obama that he needs to get his Immigration thing under control. I told him that Jesus was the answer because he knew that there was a place for everything and that’s it is not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia or America either for that matter. Obama looked at me like I was from outer space… then I remembered… he’s a Muslim.
Me: Of course!
Tony: Well, everything went to hell in a hand basket after that. Who would ever imagine that you can’t talk about Jesus in America? He was practically born there! Still, if there’s one thing I’ve learned being the PMA, it’s that with great power comes great envy. You find out real quick that everyone is out to bring you down. You know right away that every little thing you say will be taken out of context and blown up completely out of proportion. You can’t even have a laugh with a 62 year old sex worker anymore. You can never take a single step wrong. Until you walked a mile in my shoes you don’t know what it’s like to be me. No one can live up to all these expectations.
No one can be the suppository of all knowledge! Not even me…
Me: I’m…lost for words.
Tony pulled his mouth into a tight smile, put a hand on my shoulder, and said quietly, almost wistfully: “I know mate, I know. Me too.” Then he thanked me for the Pink Fizz and walked off alone in the Washington night.
Editor’s note: Neville didn’t specifically say that Tony didn’t pick up the tab. He’s that kind of guy.
Excellent.
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Abbott would have to be the worst PM we’ve ever had. Look I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, He make Billy McMahon look good. Billy was so good he trusted no one and made security phone calls from Public Phone Boxes. How long before Adolf the Turd does the same.
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Reblogged this on bookaville and commented:
My recent blog for the Pig’s Arms…
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Fine work Neville. Keep it up. Though on today’s news I strongly suggest you don’t go booking a ticket to Egypt. For all that may be wrong with the US and Oz we aren’t quite at the stage where a prosecution can get a journalist sent down for seven years without ever offering any evidence in support of their prosecution.
For us at home may I suggest you make yourself a cup of coffee and sit down and Google “Tony Abbott is an arsehole”, in fact Google just about any negative epithet associated with “Tony Abbott”. There’s an absolute riot, a circus of rude ribald and risible opinions on our feckless shit of a PM. I swear the coffee will taste sweeter, the chair will feel more comfortable and while you probably won’t learn anything you didn’t already know, at least you’ll know you aren’t alone in thinking the way you do about the bat eared bastard.
Perhaps Abbott is the one “journalist” we’d like to see perp walk like an Egyptian . Lock the nong up for as long as it takes.
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For an Australian politician to get even mentioned in the American press is a miracle…to get as much coverage as Abbott has you either have to be an arsehole or an idiot. Seems TM is both… I will enjoy yet google search. Thanks for the tip.
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It’s a dubious honour certainly, but I feel happier knowing that the American media have seen Abbott for what he is.
I thought John Oliver’s precision deconstruction on “Last Week Tonight” was both funny and damningly accurate. Still, the bugger got elected. What does that say about us as a nation?
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Last Week Tonight is a great show… Oliver’s piece on FIFA was brilliant. The 10 minutes they spent on Net Neutrality temporarily shut down the FCC website. It’s amazing to see political comedy that actually seems to be having an effect.
Check out the segment that shut down the FCC – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpbOEoRrHyU&feature=kp
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Brilliant doesn’t quite capture it for me Nev, something better than. The last two minutes are just to die for.
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The head of the FCC held a press conference later that week to announce “I am not a dingo” Oliver’s response was: “That’s exactly what a dingo would say!”
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Hey, I like fish fingers and International Roast, whats wrong with everybody?
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Just the fingers, or the whole hand?
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So, do fish have hands now do they?
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Only the ones with fingers.
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Anyway, lets stick it up Nev, he won’t be back to check on us 🙂
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Ow…hang on hung…them fingers has bones
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Dang!
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Yes, Hung, you and those big hairy fingers of yours!
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Poor, TA, I didn’t realise it was such a struggle being an arsehole.
Nice work Neville, all that nut-munching, and cocktail consuming paid orff, big time.
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The arsehole is the most powerful organ in the body, just imagine if it didn’t open. Tony is doing a great job.
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Yes, he may be the greatest arsehole in the world.
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I thought he may be the biggest
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It takes plenty of sphincter power to keep all of that shit from spilling into his trousers, or worse, red sluggos.
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Sister sister, language please, get back to work pronto however you are right
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Sorry, sphincter is such a dirty word.
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He’s the quintessential tory Big, Born with two bums and no mouth.
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Most of what he says is unbelievable, but the tories lap it all up!
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what I can’t understand is that the electorate was so gullible to believe him yet they voted for him. No its nothing but regret.
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