Tags

Father Veri Bent

Father Veri Bent, readying himself to talk to the boys at Sow End High

WARNING: Do not consume liquids while attempting to read this story. Please ensure the cat is outside and if lucky it will be run over by a lorry. That way you will get more of your drink back. Keep tissues handy and it’s best to blow your nose before starting. If you understand the story then good for you!!!

If you haven’t read part 1 then go to the link below. Do so at your peril then come back here.

https://pigsarms.com.au/2016/02/11/father-oway-the-early-days-1/

All good. Okay, here’s what happens next.

One day mum said “You start school on Monday Sandy” as mothers sort of tend to do, especially when your name is Sandy and your mother is actually speaking to you. You know that no matter how much they love you, they always have the guts to tell you the truth. The truth, at times, can be hard to take and as it works out its up to you bozo, anyway I digress which is the only thing I’m actually any good at.

“Oh” I replied trying to ignore her. School rhymes with tool, is full of fools and then you get taught by mules, who by the way tried their hardest as mules do. How am I going to get out of this.

“Yes, Monday, try to do your best and get ready for the O’Way jokes” winked Mum. What’s an O’Way joke?[1]

So I went to school and did all the usual things you do on the first day, like wet your pants or say something stupid like “The man in the picture has a beard. I hate men with beards“, can you hear  the alarm bells ringing, I can now but not then.

When I got home mum asked, “So how was your day? What classes are you having tomorrow?”
“You mean I have to go back tomorrow” I asked with sinking heart.
“Yes, and for the next 10 years or so” said Mum. Wow, did I kill someone and no one told me, where are you Brian?[2]

So life became irrevocably changed. I wanted to keep working on the circuit boards in Dad’s shed to build my next robot but oh no I had to go to school. Just to learn a heap of stuff that I already new. This was frustration to the extreme.

Until along came a new boy called Billy, Billy Bishop, well it was William really but we all called him Billy. Me and Billy became best mates, footy, cricket you name it we played it all. As we approached the final part of Junior school me and Billy decided to steal a few oranges from the local orchard. Now what we didn’t know was the owner just happened to be patrolling the area, carrying an Anti Orange Stealer Device sometimes referred to as an AK-47. The owner demonstrated it’s firing prowess by discharging some ammunition contained in the magazine in our general direction. Now if you have heard of the saying “a rock and a hard place” then you will understand that having a rock and a hard place in front of you when you are being shot at by an AK-47 can be seen as a positive outcome. The future can never look dark, well not until next time any way.

Have you ever been that lucky that the Pleece[3] arrived, well the Pleece arrived. Probably saved our lives but took us to the station to be charged. Oops, I forgot to tell you, stealing oranges in Inner Cyberia is major offence. It’s up there with tax evasion except with tax evasion you just get richer whereas stealing oranges is a jail term. I’m sure you can see the analogy.

So me and Billy were sent to the Sow End High School for Boys with Criminal Records, yes I know the SESBCR, try an make an acronym out of that why don’t you! There were some weird types at the school, kids that could do the Rubric Cube in 5 seconds, use calculators and recite Pi to 25 decimal places, hmm, I know, scary. Luckily Billy new karate and I knew four be two so after awhile they left us alone.

School was a trudge and as evil orange stealer’s me and Billy were there till finishing year. At first mum would visit and see how I was going. Then after a while mum stopped coming and sent letters till I got this one

Dear {Insert your name here}
We have had to let your room out so you can’t come home ever again. We all miss you {Insert your name here}
Mum

Touching to the extreme. Better cross her off the Christmas list, not that I ever send any cards anyway. The school was put in charge of our finishing year and one day a priest visited to talk to us about becoming priests. As usual we had to attend another boring lecture. Let’s choose, hmm, have the crap belted out of you or go to some silly talk by a priest of all things. God mate, no such thing. The easiest way to prove that is why didn’t my favorite team win a game last year, see! Move over.

The priests name was Father Veri Bent, Veri being short for Veritas of course. Father Bent told us he came from the Church of Saint Generic Brand where all religions are tolerated and the only rule is you don’t proselytise, what ever that means. Father Bent was promoted to Bishop and so there would be vacancies for any “kind hearted” boys out there. Get me out of here was all I could think. Religion is best left until the kiddies are at least 45, sound familiar, well at least it has some continuity but not much.

Later, Billy said “Sandy, I’m going to become a priest at that church, you know from that bloke, Monsenior  Bendover or whatever”
“Surely you jest” I jested.
“Nah think of it” said Billy, “they feed you, provide you a house and all you have to do is wear a funny gown and listen to people’s problems, yeah…” dreamed Billy.

Authors Notes.

[1] Go for it.

[2] Interesting, my sense of humor is usually a bit obtuse but I like that gag. I did admire most of Glenn Robins work, well I believe it was him on Comedy Company???

[3] Thanks to the writers of the Foodge series changing the word Police to Pleece for ever. I’ve even told my spell checker to go away and except it, well I didn’t really but you know under forty fives could be watching without parental control, never know and we don’t want to use swear words now, do we.Scary.