Story by Mark.
Foodge looks at himself in the mirror, dusting off the cigarette ash and rehearsing his lines for the up coming trial of Merv breaching the constipation.
Your honour my client is a simple man. Hmm, no that won’t do, Your honour my client is a psychopath that will hunt you down and kill you, hmm, no that won’t do either. Well what am I to do about all this. Well I guess you need to know about the original offence.
I’ll spell it out for you. After reading the letter that Merv received what actually happened is that Merv kicked a dog up the arse for urinating on the tyres of his Zephyr that was parked in the village square, down the the road and just round the corner from the Pigs Arms. Dogs are allowed to urinate on your tyres if you over stay the parking limit of 30 minutes however when one visits Rosie or Glenda one may need a little more time than that.
So we gather at the court, the Stratospheric High Court as this is constipational. The dog is protected under the constipation Section Infinity, sub section blah blah. Regardless of that Gordon will be my back up and Gib and Angler will be waiting downstairs in the Zephyr with their shotguns ready, just in case.
The Magistrate we have today is Ronald MacDonnell known around here here as “Big Mac” or the “Hanging Judge” so things are looking really bad plus the prosecution is being headed by Annie Arsehole.
“Your Honour, I rest my case” says Foodge.
“Well what case is that?” replies the Magistrate.
“Well I caught the train from Tamworth and my case rested in the luggage compartment therefore my client is innocent”
“Your Honour I object, the defendant is guilty under section infinity subsection blah blah under the constipation” interjects Annie Arsehole.
“Well, lets adjourn for lunch, say scallops fried in garlic with a nice white wine.” replies the Magistrate.
Interval music.
The Magistrate seems to be like a rhinestone cowboy however we will persist. I musk get Merv off this charge.
“Your honour, I call a witness , Pat the Dog” calls Foodge.
The clerk swears in Pat. “Do you swear to tell the whole truth but nothing else but the truth so help you Gordon?”
“Can opener mate.” replies Pat.
“Now Pat, can you recall for the court that day that my client Merv was apparently in breach of the constipation?” asks Foodge.
“Can oath mate. I looked at the clock on the town square and realised that Merv had overstayed his parking limit. Busting for a piss I let go on his tyres. He then came around the back of the car and gave me a foot suppository.” says Pat.
“A foot suppository?” pushes Foodge.
“Yes, a kick up the arse” replies Pat.
“Your Honour, I object” says Annie Arsehole “ Kiddies may be watching.”
“Objection upheld. Mr Foodge and Pat the Dog, please restrain yourselves.”
“So what happened then?” asks Foodge.
“Well, I crapped on the lawn at the Pleece HQ” says Pat.
And so it goes.
Love it so far. It’s a can opener. I love it that Foodge cares about his brief (case). It’s a wonder that Foodge got through wal, sorry, law. Got my typos mixed up with the conosants.
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He went through his wal as I remember like a can of beans. One moment he was painting and decrating and nek minit….
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Belly laugh.
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Hahaha. You started this. 😀
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I thought it was fuckin’ triffic, with the hole foot suppository gag, an’ Gordan be Thine Name, an’ me an’ Angler waitin’ in the Zeph with cat guns, I mean shotties (wrong vernacular, kiddies listenin’), a few sherbets post nights, the Pigs Arms nurses will know.
Nice that you’ve had contact with the fruit of yer loins, eye hope?
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Thank you Sister. Sometimes when I get ideas for the story I should write them down straight away. Wanted to mock the stern stiffness of courts a bit more but keep losing the thread.
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When I was at school I struggled with words. Nothings changed by the look of this.
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Funny Hung so did I, at school I mean.
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When I was in 4th class I had a great teacher that year, Mrs Frew and she made hard stuff easy to learn just by the way she went about it. Then the next two years I had nuns and then went on to being taught by priests. I hated it and from 5th class on wards my marks dropped and I became a very ordinary student much to the displeasure of my parents and teachers.
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I had a problem with reading up til about 4th class then with some remedial reading I went from just passing to nearly 100%. It was going to the wrong high school that ended up being my problem. Still I’ve done OK.
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What a delightful tale.
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Thanks Viv. I did a longer version with more court room stuff but I ran out of puff. Did a butter chicken yesterday it was okay nothing flash and spoke to one of my sons for the first time in a while. So it turned into a busy day for me. No longer used to it.
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I understand. Good to keep venturing into cooking nice stuff. We had grand daughter’s 2nd birthday party on Sunday (one week late as some had the darn flu). It was a lovely day. Toasted with an Anderson’s sparkling shiraz, 2010. Yummy.
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Got a new fridge so I can store more and freeze portions when I cook now. Just had a bar fridge up until then. The chicken tasted better the next day and I think a lot of people say that is true. Have been eating a lot of fish lately and had some baked blackfish the other day. Pretty nice.
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