Foodge readies himself
Story by Mark.
Foodge looks at himself in the mirror, dusting off the cigarette ash and rehearsing his lines for the up coming trial of Merv breaching the constipation.
Your honour my client is a simple man. Hmm, no that won’t do, Your honour my client is a psychopath that will hunt you down and kill you, hmm, no that won’t do either. Well what am I to do about all this. Well I guess you need to know about the original offence.
I’ll spell it out for you. After reading the letter that Merv received what actually happened is that Merv kicked a dog up the arse for urinating on the tyres of his Zephyr that was parked in the village square, down the the road and just round the corner from the Pigs Arms. Dogs are allowed to urinate on your tyres if you over stay the parking limit of 30 minutes however when one visits Rosie or Glenda one may need a little more time than that.
So we gather at the court, the Stratospheric High Court as this is constipational. The dog is protected under the constipation Section Infinity, sub section blah blah. Regardless of that Gordon will be my back up and Gib and Angler will be waiting downstairs in the Zephyr with their shotguns ready, just in case.
The Magistrate we have today is Ronald MacDonnell known around here here as “Big Mac” or the “Hanging Judge” so things are looking really bad plus the prosecution is being headed by Annie Arsehole.
“Your Honour, I rest my case” says Foodge.
“Well what case is that?” replies the Magistrate.
“Well I caught the train from Tamworth and my case rested in the luggage compartment therefore my client is innocent”
“Your Honour I object, the defendant is guilty under section infinity subsection blah blah under the constipation” interjects Annie Arsehole.
“Well, lets adjourn for lunch, say scallops fried in garlic with a nice white wine.” replies the Magistrate.
I fucking hate chips…
The Magistrate seems to be like a rhinestone cowboy however we will persist. I musk get Merv off this charge.
“Your honour, I call a witness , Pat the Dog” calls Foodge.
The clerk swears in Pat. “Do you swear to tell the whole truth but nothing else but the truth so help you Gordon?”
“Can opener mate.” replies Pat.
“Now Pat, can you recall for the court that day that my client Merv was apparently in breach of the constipation?” asks Foodge.
“Can oath mate. I looked at the clock on the town square and realised that Merv had overstayed his parking limit. Busting for a piss I let go on his tyres. He then came around the back of the car and gave me a foot suppository.” says Pat.
I fucking hate burgers…
“A foot suppository?” pushes Foodge.
“Yes, a kick up the arse” replies Pat.
“Your Honour, I object” says Annie Arsehole “ Kiddies may be watching.”
“Objection upheld. Mr Foodge and Pat the Dog, please restrain yourselves.”
“So what happened then?” asks Foodge.
“Well, I crapped on the lawn at the Pleece HQ” says Pat.
And so it goes.
I fucking hate burgers and chips…