Nelson 3


 Nelson (the cat) gives his SatNav a spray….

The route guidance is not quick enough in cities. Having gone around Rouen and back out the way we came in during rush hour I would gladly settle for the most sensible route rather than the supposedly fastest route. The voice command would be even more useful it if came equipped with a loudspeaker which could blare out ‘Je suis desolé Madame mais Monsier Garmin est perdu’ every time an irate French motorist in Rouen honked their horns and shouted abuse at us. Or maybe they were still upset about Brexit?
According to the traffic assistance, as we joined a rapidly growing line of idle cars, campervans, coaches, trucks and lorries, there were no delays on the A10 at Chatellrault in France on Monday, insisting this was the fastest route despite the fact that there had been a huge accident involving 5 lorries. With Asterixesque good fortune, we were able to turn off the slip road and, you may call me old-fashioned, used a humble Michelin road map to find a better route to Tours. We passed stationary traffic on the A10 going back miles.

Despite only updating the map 3 weeks earlier, it did not recognise the road to the port in Zeebrugge (in the darkest depths of the urban Jungle that is Flanders) instead insisting we were driving through a field during which we saw some of the weirdest looking farm animals that I have ever seen such as the Renault Vache, 2CheVre, Citroen Cheval and Peugeot Cochon. It then, with an insouciant Gallic shrug (despite our being marooned in Belgium), stopped working altogether. Perhaps it had calculated that it had already completed 35 hours work that week in France? Having decided that I may not wish to experience the delights of travelling the fastest route from Amiens to Bruges via Xanadu, Yellowstone Park or Zululand, next time I will buy a Tom Tom. Alas, this Garmin Sat Nav is to road guidance what Inspector Clousseau was to detective work.

Garmin may try to sue me for this review but they will have to find me first in which case they had better not use one of their Sat Navs.