Story by Mark.
Merv wakes to the usual smell of bacon, gently frying in the pan, some freshly brewed coffee and hot toast but today is different. Merv has decided not to get out of bed, he wants a day orf. After finding out he has family, Mack, Mick, Mark, Mike and Minx, a sister, he has decided he needs some time out. All identical twins, as the author can’t spell sextuplets, plus there will be nothing for perverts in this story, I mean surely there must be a better word for six then sex. Merv has to use all his fingers and toes to get the counting right but yes, six of them. Uno, duo, duo plus one, duo plus duo minus uno and so it goes on, all the way to sex, oops, I mean six, you perverts.
Granny knocks at the door as it is getting late, thinking that Merv is masticating about somefink. “Wake up wanker, I have your breakfast ready and it’s almost time to open the bar”
Granny pushes the door open hoping to find Merv doing somefink he wished he didn’t only to find Merv snugly covered by his doona or nona or blanket, so many words so little time.
“Granny, I’m having a day orf. I is overwhelmed by all this family all of a sudden and eyes need a day orf. Get Hung to run the bar and the Jones boy to take the money.”
Granny places Merv’s breakfast on his bedside table, bacon, scrambled eggs, dry white toast, tomato juice and black coffee. One of the meals she lovingly makes for him everyday. For Merv to want a day orf this must be serious, granny decides she needs some wise council(yes I know).
Well the girls aren’t in yet so there goes that option, Foodge and O’Hoo, don’t think so and when the door opens and it’s Gib and Angler fresh from a cat shoot and wanting some
refreshments and revelry before facing any reality, yes thinks Granny, these are my people, well till they fuck up.
“Granny, drinks and wedges all round” cry the lads, none of this shut up and take my money bullshit.
“Boys, can you talk to Merv. He wants a day orf after meeting all his family. He didn’t even have a wank this morning” replies Granny as she pours some glass canoes.
The boys quickly down their beers, then another one and maybe one more, perhaps even another then quickly ascend the stairs to Merv’s room.
“Merv, what’s wrong old cock?” asks Angler, feeling a bit wobbly plus knowing Merv didn’t even have a wank this morning. Something is seriously wrong. I mean the
last time you would have went without one was the day you got your electric bill. See how serious this is!
“Yeah Merv, get out of fucking bed and down to the bar” discreetly requests Gib, gentle and kind as always.
“I’m having a day orf, so go away.” replies Merv.
“So look Merv, I’m a nurse and Angler is not a nurse so trust us, what’s the real problem?” pleads Gib.
“Well, you promise not to laugh” well like a red rag to a bull the boys laugh but swear allegiance to Gordon, the creator of the universe, that they will be on their best behaviour.
“Well” says Merv “Now I have all these identical twin brothers and twin sister, how am I expected to know their birthdays!!”
Yvonne said:
What ever did I do with my time before the pig’s arms came into my life? Lots, as I recall. But, nowhere near as much demented fun.
Happy New Year to youse mad lot. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you all young and healthy again. Even my 4 identical twin brothers.
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sandshoe said:
I’m losing track and I thunk that’s five and they are identical and I am a bit confused but. It seems discriminatory if you’re non-identical so betcha we’re not going down that street. That’s the sorta pub we are eh. 😀
Happy 2018, Yvonne.
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Yvonne said:
Happy 2018 to you, sandshoe/plimsoll/sneaker. You have so many names!
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Mark said:
Fanks Sister Yvonne. It is really good to have folk from all over to read the stories here at the Pigs Arms. May you have a great year.
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Mark said:
Um, er, um, yeah, Merv, where did you come from?
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Mark said:
Doesn’t even speak like us.
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Merv said:
Fanks to everyone. Me ans me brothers and sister wishes ewes all a happy new year.
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Big M said:
Youz mean they took a goat n curried it?
I find it hard to believe that Mr Merv got through the day without a quick tug. I mean, Mrs Palmer and her five lovely daughters must be lonely, dunno whether they’re comin’ or goin’.
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Mark said:
Now Sister pleas. I’m calling the Pleece. Now go back to sleep and save all those children.
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Big M said:
Yeah, sorry, saving babies tomorrow night. I think the Pleece are pretty busy what with festivities and such.
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sandshoeblog said:
Yep I had to call them last night here so they could contact Qld pleece to go and check on an old (and aged) friend. 4.30 in the morning I heard back from kind voiced pleeceman. Mmm . 2018 might be good.
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algernon1 said:
Angler is not a nurse so trust us. What could go wrong
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Mark said:
Lots of your photos in this one. Thanks Ace.
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algernon1 said:
Is that you third on the left. The piccies always look good the next time around.
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Mark said:
Merv at the back, then Mack ,Mick, Minx, Mike and Mark. Luckily our parents only knew four lettered words.
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Yvonne said:
That fake tan looks darned good on me.
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Yvonne said:
Oh, wait, that’s brother Mick. Folks always got us mixed up.
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Mark said:
Lets face it Sister Yvonne, ewes is identical twins.
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Yvonne said:
I hung onto every cherished word!
Poor Merv, he hasn’t yet realised that when he finds out when the birfday is ( we won’t even give him a tiny clue), he ‘ll be expected to cough up birfday presents, and cake and bloons. He better stay in bed.
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Mark said:
Pour old Merv. Can’t even take a sickie. And you Sister Minx, don’t even have the heart with your identical twin brothers to tell Merv when your birth day is. Shame on you. 🙂
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Yvonne said:
But, cheesus, Mark. If he puts his massive brain power to it, we must share a birthdate. Poor old sod, he’s older than he thinks. His birf sirtificate was altered.
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Mark said:
Shit Sister Yvonne, ewes just given the plot o’way.
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Yvonne said:
I knew I was beginning to channel you, my life is no longer mine. I will have a cool shower and meditate.
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vivienne29 said:
Bloody funny. Keep them coming, you’re on a roll. Love it. Just what I needed.
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Mark said:
Cheers Viv. Hope you and family are well. I would like some goat recipes, got any?
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vivienne29 said:
Ah, goat. Discussed that some years ago. Important thing is to get kid, not goat which seems is very likely to be old goat and tough as leather. Do to goat whatever you do with lamb. Roast kid is fabulous (only had it twice). Curry. I thought I got some tender goat a couple of years ago and it was quite good but at twice the price of lamb (a breeder near Rutherglen who was selling at local market) I didn’t think was worth doing again. A year or so before that I got cheap goat which I cooked and threw out.
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Mark said:
Bean watchin River Cottage Australia filmed near me at Tilba when they killed and cooked a goat. Bean told it is the most eaten meat in the world.
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vivienne29 said:
It is. I love it. If you can get some of the good stuff – I say, lucky you. I watched all the River Cottage Australia – Tilba – lovely area. Was there once. We had a good holiday staying at Merimbula and travelled all around the area. Went to the annual Show at Candelo. Our Christmas crays were from Narooma.
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algernon1 said:
Goat curry mmmm
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Mark said:
Supposed to be good. Near my place is Tilba where River Cottage Australia is made and they bbq’ed a kid, looked great.
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vivienne29 said:
My arthritis is giving me the shits. In hands and up to right elbow. I have pathetic strength. 3 years of it. I’m trying some herbal mix as willing to give anything a go. I got a gadget to help open screw top wine and the bloody thing doesn’t work. Most of the time I have just enough strength to get top off. I’d be stuffed if we still have cork tops. Once I’ve broken the seal I’m right. Good thing I don’t iron anything as I can’t do that either.
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Mark said:
I started taking anti-inflammatories but I’m over them after a month. Shoulder and hip are getting to me. Me mum had it real bad, hope I don’t have the same as her.
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vivienne29 said:
I hope you don’t too.
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Big M said:
Sounds pretty fucked up, Viv. Things like turmeric anrc Boron are supposed to help,, but I think they are useful earlier in the disease. Google them!
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Mark said:
What about pot and alcohol?
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Big M said:
All natural. Cannabis oil is excellent topically as well as systemically.
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vivienne29 said:
I know about all of them and tumeric. If tumeric was that good I’d never have had a problem as I used it a lot. However, I’m giving it a go. I think my elbow might be beyond help. I take anti-inflam/pain killer every day. I go off it occasionally to see if it is really helping and find I go back on it. I think it just keeps most of it stable. The tendons in my arm feel shit, elbow won’t straighten. But I’ll soldier on !!! Nearly time for a medicinal G & T.
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Big M said:
As I said, I suspect some of these natural remedies are useful early in the disease. G and T useful for all phases!!
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vivienne29 said:
Indeed. I’ve only been taking it for a week. Will see how it is after 3 weeks to give it a fair test. Turning off now. Talk next year !
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