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Staple your entry to a $20 note – best of luck with the Spot Scott Morrison Competition
(Photo by Graham Denholm/Getty Images borrowed with thanks)

An intimate interview with the PM – by Emmjay

Sco      Go the Sharkies.

Emm:  Yes, good, thank you Mr Morrison.

Sco:     They were great weren’t they !

Emm:  If you say so, Mr Morrison.

Sco:     And I do say so, mate.

Emm:  Mr Morrison, what’s your reaction to the Victorian election result ?

Sco:     Call me Scomo.  Go the Sharkies.

Emm: Mr Morrison, the Victorian election ?

Sco:     We was robbed.  Did you catch that ref ?  I mean his seeing eye dog should do the one-way trip to the vet.

Emm:  The Victorian election ?

Sco:  Sorry, you were saying ?

Emm:  Mr Morrison, I was asking you for your take home message on your reaction to the Victorian election result.

Sco:     There was loose talk that we didn’t have a prayer – but I did one for them and I cried a bit.

Emm: … and ?

Sco:     Well, well, nothing happened.

Emm:  So, divine intervention was a fizzer ?

Sco:     What church do you go to, son ?

Emm:  I play third ukulele at St Generic’s Brand.

Sco: Well, son, I think it was probably your fault. Ya have to play in key and in time.

Emm:  Sorry, I’ll try harder in the next election.  Who’s having that again ?

Sco:     Somebody told me that.  No, wait… I think there’s some snags ordered for the Happy Clappers of Shark Park.

Emm:  Close, Mr Morrison.  It’s the NSW election in March next year.

Sco:     How’s our form there ?

Emm:  I believe that the verdict is still with the TV ref.

Sco:  Will there be Sharkies contesting ?  Go the Sharkies !

Emm:  Indeed, Mr Morrison.

Sco – checking his mobile phone “It will be fought on local issues”  

Emm:  Like Wentworth ?

Sco:  Australia’s best Prime Minister ?  William Charles Wentworth.  I used to call him Bill.  My mate Bill.

Emm: He died even before your little dust up with NZ Tourism.

Sco:     I was robbed.  Those ALL Blacks have no understanding of the offside rule.

Emm:  They say the Nez Wealand taxpayers was robbed.

Sco:     It wasn’t my fault that “Put a shrimp in the hungi” flopped.  I mean, what’s a hungi ?  Some kind of pagan ritual?  Of course, no God-fearing bloke is going to go there for some druid nonsense.  Did I tell you that I turned back the boats ?

Emm:  From New Zealand ?

Sco:  From Shark Park.

Emm:  No you didn’t.

Sco:     Yeah, I did.  Coz I’m fair dinkum.

Emm: Was Malcolm fair dinkum ?

Sco:     Who did he barrack for ?

Emm:  I have no idea.  Does he barrack at all ?

Sco:      There you have it.  Not like David Steinbergstein.

Emm: The former candidate for Wentworth ?

Sco:     Bill ?

Emm: No, the proposed candidate for Wentworth.

Sco:     Sonja ? She was a snappy dresser.

Emm: Yes she was.  Mr Morrison, what did the Coalition learn from the Victorian election ?

Sco:     Did you realise you just typed “coal” ?  I love coal, it’s all black and shiny like my BMW.

Emm:  Well the voters of Wentworth didn’t seem too fond of your coal policy.

Sco: Ha ha you just typed coal again !  Twice.

Emm: Was the coalition’s lack of an energy policy or a climate change policy something to do with the Victorian election – I believe the Murdoch press called it a Coalition rout.

Sco:     How dare you suggest that the Victorian coalition is routed !  OK, the Sharkies didn’t run, but I prayed for them and I had a little cry too.  So, did my minister Pasta Farian.

Emm:  Or did it have something to do with the bogus war on South Sudanese youth in Melbourne.

Sco:     I have been accused of racism, you know ?

Emm:  You don’t say !

Sco:     Yeah, although I’m a fair dinkum bloke, I will not abide by street violence. Nobody. Not even people the colour of coal are above John Laws.

Emm: Are you saying that you ARE racist on the black gangs street violence issue ?

Sco:     Those dickheads who point to the 40% decline in youth violence in Victoria in the last four years are turning a blind eye.  I reckon it’s because South Sudanese youth are hard to see at night.

Emm:  So, what was the cause of the Coalition rout in the Victorian election or in the seat of Wentworth – a seat it is alleged that has only ever been in Liberal hands.

Sco:     It was a state issue.

Emm:  Wentworth is a Federal seat.

Sco:     I know that.  It’s held by my mate Billy Wentworth.

Emm:  Billy’s been extinct for decades and so is his love child Billy McMahon – perpetually voted as Australia’s worst Prime Minister – until he was unseated by Tony Abbott.

Sco:  But the Sharkies are great !  Go Sharkies !

Emm: Have you got any tourist tips ?

Sco:  Put another shrimp on the barbie !

Emm:  Thanks. That’ll be a few million dollars please.

Sco: Sure.  The cheque is in the mail.

Emm:  Mr Morrison, thanks for your time.

Sco:  No worries, anything for a fair dinkum Aussie bloke.  Go the Sharkies.

Emm:  Oh FFS !