In the spirit of communal co-operation and to overcome lunatic panic buyers, herewith the famous Pig-Tel Hand and Throat Sanitiser (formerly) secret recipe.
- 1 Litre of Pig’s Arms Famous Pink Drink – alternatively 2 Litres of Stolly Vodka.
- 2 Packets of Aeroplane Red Jelly Crystals – shaken, not stirred yet. – alternatively Port Wine Jelly Crystals.
- 1 Teaspoon of cranberry juice
- 1 Lemon
- Take a small bucket.
- Place the lemon next to the bucket, but not too close.
- Dissolve the Jelly crystals in the cranberry juice – in the bucket, bozo.
- While you are waiting for the last crystal to dissolve, have a sip of Famous Pink Drink or drink one of the two bottles of Stolly.
- In the unlikely event that all the jelly crystals dissolve, add the remaining Pink Drink or the second bottle of Stolly.
- Stir vigorously with your hands.
- Lick the Pig-Tel sanitiser off your hands.
- Bingo – hand and throat sanitising all done.
- In the interest of good hygiene, if somebody else wants to use your Pig-Tel Hand and Throat sanitiser, tell them to fuck off and make their own. Nicely, of course. We’re not phillipstines here.