In the spirit of communal co-operation and to overcome lunatic panic buyers, herewith the famous Pig-Tel Hand and Throat Sanitiser (formerly) secret recipe.
Ingredients
- Ingredients
- 1 Litre of Pig’s Arms Famous Pink Drink – alternatively 2 Litres of Stolly Vodka.
- 2 Packets of Aeroplane Red Jelly Crystals – shaken, not stirred yet. – alternatively Port Wine Jelly Crystals.
- 1 Teaspoon of cranberry juice
- 1 Lemon
- Method
- Take a small bucket.
- Place the lemon next to the bucket, but not too close.
- Dissolve the Jelly crystals in the cranberry juice – in the bucket, bozo.
- While you are waiting for the last crystal to dissolve, have a sip of Famous Pink Drink or drink one of the two bottles of Stolly.
- In the unlikely event that all the jelly crystals dissolve, add the remaining Pink Drink or the second bottle of Stolly.
- Stir vigorously with your hands.
- Lick the Pig-Tel sanitiser off your hands.
- Bingo – hand and throat sanitising all done.
- In the interest of good hygiene, if somebody else wants to use your Pig-Tel Hand and Throat sanitiser, tell them to fuck off and make their own. Nicely, of course. We’re not phillipstines here.
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 
When I was still quite young my father, who worked at the local library, brought home a book by JG Ballard called “The Drowned World”. It was 1962 and I didn’t have a clue how prescient the novel was. I loved it in the way one might cleave to something one didn’t really understand but which, none the less, had some kind of power.
That was the beginning and over the years I’ve read a great deal of speculative fiction on the theme of disaster and global cataclysm, including “The Drowned World” several more times. You could say I’ve became a closet catastrophist, but in a quiet way.
As I grew older and my reading broadened I discovered Defoe’s “Journal of The Plague Year”, which I can highly recommend now, and Marcus Aurelius’ “Meditations, which also has a lot to say about the human condition and human frailty.
I also developed a taste for pulp like Stephen King’s “The Stand”, Michael Chrichton’s “The Andromeda Strain” and the more substantial “Cat’s Cradle” by Kurt Vonnegut. I’m currently plowing my way for the second time through Liu Cixin’s “Remembrance of Earth’s Past” trilogy. Its an absolute cracker and a fabulous example of modern Chinese literature. The science is dense and deeply metaphysical in its speculations.
This is all to say that I think my reading has in some small part prepared me for this current inconvenience and I believe I know what to do through the coming months of “social distancing”, (what a dreadful new verb that is). I’ll be re-reading all my favourites, with thoroughly washed hands, and hoping that my reading was in fact a waste of time and that everything will be OK in the end. Colour me “Candide”.
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Oh, of course; I forgot. I’ll also be mixing myself up a mess’o’ Pigtel Throat and Hand Sanitiser for use in the prescribed way. I wonder how sales of “Corona” beer are going at the moment.
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Well apparently 38% of US beer drinkers won’t drink it because of the virus.
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I think it’s being re-marketed as ‘Ebola’.
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Brilliant. Nurse Barbara approves wholeheartedly.
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This has a delightful Three Stooges feel to it. ‘Place a lemon next to the bucket’, like ‘separate two eggs.’
We are currently cleansing our throats with Rose and Coopers Sparkling.
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Hey Big. Thank you. I’m at home today with what looks more like a toddler cold (thanks Emmlet 1.1) than the Black Death. Had a wonderful day playing around at the Pub.
FM working like a navvy at the hospital, cursing me just in case it IS the Black Death .
But TtCB just cooked spaghetti bol and brought that and a Coopers Ultralight to my office.
Emmlet 1.2 due any day now but only dads are allowed to visit in the Royal women’s at present.
Sometimes life is unexpectedly grand.
All the best to you and Mrs M.
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thanks for the ‘shout out’. Sorry to hear that you are crook, but sometimes a light cold is just what the doctor ordered.
Glad to hear that the pregnancy is going well. I’m sure the birth (or is it berth) will go OK, I mean, 1.1 has paved the way.
Have another Coopers on me and tell FM it’s time give work away. It’s a silly lark anyway.
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Ya mean to say I can’t just buy 100 crates of yours off you?
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See you in the pub car park in half an hour. Bring cash 😊
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No worries… will do! Hey, I don’t suppose you have any (cough-cough) menstrual pads…? I’m thinking of stocking up. Not that I need ’em myself, of course, but I hear they may fetch a good price on the black market now… 😉
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I was unaware that minstrels had pads, but then, on reflection, I suppose they have to live somewhere.
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Excellent!
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Thanks, mate.
I went back to some of the old Pig-Tel products and I couldn’t believe the range we’ve built up in 11 years ! The Cat Spiraliser one has brilliant Waz digital mischief and the comments are still hilarious !
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Just went back to the cat spiraliser, gave me a good chuckle. Warrigal was the answer to one of the clues in today’s SMH quick crossword.
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LOL!!!
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