Pig-Tel Hand and Throat Sanitiser

In the spirit of communal co-operation and to overcome lunatic panic buyers, herewith the famous Pig-Tel Hand and Throat Sanitiser (formerly) secret recipe.


    • Ingredients
  • 1 Litre of Pig’s Arms Famous Pink Drink – alternatively 2 Litres of Stolly Vodka.
  • 2 Packets of Aeroplane Red Jelly Crystals – shaken, not stirred yet. – alternatively Port Wine Jelly Crystals.
  • 1 Teaspoon of cranberry juice
  • 1 Lemon
    • Method
  • Take a small bucket.
  • Place the lemon next to the bucket, but not too close.
  • Dissolve the Jelly crystals in the cranberry juice – in the bucket, bozo.
  • While you are waiting for the last crystal to dissolve, have a sip of Famous Pink Drink or drink one of the two bottles of Stolly.
  • In the unlikely event that all the jelly crystals dissolve, add the remaining Pink Drink or the second bottle of Stolly.
  • Stir vigorously with your hands.
  • Lick the Pig-Tel sanitiser off your hands.
  • Bingo – hand and throat sanitising all done.
  • In the interest of good hygiene, if somebody else wants to use your Pig-Tel Hand and Throat sanitiser, tell them to fuck off and make their own. Nicely, of course. We’re not phillipstines here.