Dear Mr and Mrs Morrison,

I usually start student report cards with something positive, address things that our student needs to work on, and then finish with something praising our student’s better qualities.

However, I am struggling with this format for Scott’s report card.

I have spoken with the staff and I’m afraid that the most constructive thing I can say is that Scott’s friends seem to like him.  However, as we discussed previously, the headmaster and I are less than comfortable with Scott’s choice of friends. 

Peter, let’s be frank, is a psychopath in the making and we are worried that Peter’s influence seems to have arrested Scott’s development – especially his compassion for people less well off than himself.

Michael, well, being kind, I think we can agree that Michael’s doing the best he can with not a single sharp tool in his kit.  This is also true of Scott’s other friend Barnaby, who we understand has some family issues.

But to focus on Scott’s work, let’s not mince words.  Nobody at St Generic’s has seen evidence of any actual effort. 

Scott’s studies in climate change, pandemics, indigenous studies and flood and fire management have been very disappointing, to the extent that it would not be an exaggeration to say that he is simply not interested.

Mr and Mrs Morrison, I would hazard a guess that this is because Scott simply does not in any way apply himself beyond going on excursions and hanging out with the bigger boys and girls overseas.  The headmaster and I worry that Boris and Donald are not good role models for Scott.

Scott is renowned at St Generic’s Brand for his interest in sport. Not as one might think, actually playing sport, but watching it, beer and steak sandwich in hand. To be sure, Scott is a dyed in the wool spectator, he seriously is not a player. And this, according to our sports coach, Brother Peter O’file, is not helping Scott to maintain any level of fitness.

I am sure that you as caring parents aspire more for Scott than a career modelling hi-vis apparel and sitting in military vehicles and doing thumbs up gestures.  This would be a terrible waste – of hi-vis apparel.

So, in conclusion, let’s agree that Scott really needs to lift his game in the crucial second half and let’s make it clear to Scott that there is no such calling as “everybody’s mate”.

Sincerely yours,

Father O’Way, St Generic’s Brand Parish School.

Ps – thank you for the generous donation of coal fired room heaters and the new girls’ shower block.  In the event that we ever enrol girls, it will become very handy.