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Borrowed with undying thanks to the Shovel –
Australia’s #1 Satirical News Provider

With Sydney’s Eastern suburbs facing a growing outbreak, we’ve collated some of the most common questions about the new restrictions. 

#1 Distancing: Do I need to keep a 1.5 metre distance from my Porsche Cayenne and the Land Rover Vogue next to me in the supermarket carpark, or can I just be a fuckwit and park across two spaces as usual?

#2 Masks: Are masks required while doing lines of coke outside, or just while in homes and offices?

#3 QR Codes: Whenever I go to check in at my day spa with my phone, my phone’s camera is always pointing back at me (I think I permanently changed the setting ages ago). Do I just show the person at reception the selfie I took, or should I upload it to Instagram with a #Covidlyfe hashtag?

#4 Density limits: How many litres of lip filler can I have per square centimetre?  

#5 Panic buying: In amongst all the craziness, we bought three investment properties last week. Are there likely to be per-customer limits introduced?

#6 Police powers: How much is the fine if your mask doesn’t match your activewear? If I see a crime being committed should I report it to police?

#7 Tests: I’ve heard COVID tests involve putting something up your nose. Can I just pay in cash when I get there?

#8 Symptoms: What are the first signs that house prices are about to drop?

#9 Differing Viewpoints: I understand there are a lot of different views and we need to be open to all of them. But can we all agree that the window table at Icebergs on a Saturday afternoon is the best?

#10 Exceptions: My Mum is desperately sick and lives in Britain. Can I still go to Port Douglas for a girls’ weekend next month?  

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