Monthly Archives: April 2023

The Trial

17 Monday Apr 2023

Posted by in Foodge Private Dick, Mark

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Image created by Dalle – E

Story by some bloke on a laptop, i.e. Mark

So today is the day when the trial begins, to see if God really exist? Alternatively, we can also ask is Satan real? Does anybody care? Well, I don’t. And I’m the author.

Foodge was sitting in the foyer. Glancing around at the crowd, pondering. Why are people coming here to see this particular trial?

Foodge started to feel for his hip flask. Then it occurred to him it was probably in his hip pocket. But it wasn’t. It was in his inside suit pocket. So he’s wondering, why don’t they call that an inside suit pocket flask? He took a surreptitious slurp. Just a steady the nerves, you know, he thought to himself. Keeping in mind that he didn’t want to use too many inverted commas.

Out of thin air, God appears. This doesn’t phase Foodge anymore. He’s seen it so many times with Gordon. You know, Gordon, the creator of the universe.

“How you doing?” God says.

“I’ve submitted our deposition and some good character statements from Mother Mary McKillop and Pope John Paul. How are Jesus and Ha… “

“Let’s be kind to them Foodge, and not go there.”

People enter the courtroom and take up their positions. The judge enters the Chamber. Everyone nods to the crown. The judge introduces himself as Lord Bored. At least we can see here that we have another campaigner against inverted commas. And look, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against inverted commas. Well, sort of.

“The case has come to the Small Claims Tribunal because the plaintiff is actually only asking for $1. So I want to remind you all that in this court, it’s my decision as the judge as to what actually happens. Now there are appellant courts that you can go to, but you won’t succeed. Let’s just be honest.” Crikey, a judge being honest.

“Each legal representative has deposited statements, references and the initial newspaper article in the Inner Cyberian Tribune. Representing God is Mr Foodge, and representing Satan is Mr Clancy Fancy-Pants. You are hereby right now told to stay quiet. I will now direct the Court in this process of legal defamation.” Foodge and Fancy-Pants look at each other with a distinct sense of amazement.

“But,” says Foodge and Fancy-Pants, “My Lord, surely, Hank… Jesus…”

“Stick with me and I must remind you that you have both just wasted some inverted commas. I will take that into consideration at the end of the trial” says Lord Bored, oblivious to the fact he has just used some inverted commas.

“So in my role is the overriding judge. I now call God to the witness box.”

The clerk approaches, “God, please place your hand on this book and tell us that you will tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help you, Gordon.” God looks at the book. And it’s Gordon’s book “Good Luck with That” that he’s now promoting. By the way, it is on sale at all good bookstores. “I do,” says God.

Judge Bored now gets into interrogation mode. “So God. How old are you?”

“I have no idea.”

“Where do you live?”

“ Above the clouds”.

“What’s your mum and dad’s name?”

“Oh, I don’t know.”

“Thank you. You may now be seated.” Crikey, how many inverted fucking commas was that.

Satan is sent into the witness box.

The clerk approaches, “Satan, please place your hand on this book and tell us that you will tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help you, Gordon.” Satan looks at the book. And it’s Gordon’s book “Good Luck with That” that he’s now promoting. By the way, it is on sale at all good bookstores. “I do,” says Satan.

Judge Bored now gets into interrogation mode. “So Satan. How old are you?

“I have no idea.”

“Where do you live?” “In a hole in the ground.” “ What’s your mum and dad’s name?” “ Oh, I don’t know.”

“Thank you.”

Wow. Lots of inverted commas and so far no Jesus and Han…

Judge Bored retires to the inner chamber to think about his decision. He later returns.

“OK, so this is my decision. God or Satan. No one has ever been able to prove either of you actually is real, whilst you’re deeply rooted in mythology your actual existence is factually, debatable.

Evidence is that neither of you exists and therefore is non-existent. Under section 37 of the Defamation and Other Evil Little Acts 1937, it says that unless you can prove that you are real, then you don’t actually have a case of defamation. I have decided to rule that this is a null and void case.

We’re facing a paradox. God and Satan cannot be proven to exist. But without each other, neither exists. There is a symbiotic relationship between these two that cannot be proved in this court. You cannot have God and deny Satan, and conversely, you cannot have Satan and deny God. The ultimate proof is unavailable or inconsistent or non-existent, therefore nobody now owes anybody anything. and the case is now over.”

Foodge is reflective outside the court. The decision was actually, very powerful. God decided that he was gonna pay Foodge anyway, but the money wasn’t important. It was the outcome. Good versus evil, God versus Satan. Manly versus anybody else. So it was just a really important case.

Gordon arrives at the court. Everybody else is gone, but Gordon goes up the Foodge and says, “Hey, Foodge, look, here’s my new book, “Good Luck with That”. It’s a book about space travel. And how incredibly boring that actually really is. Anyway, Emmjay has given me a lend of the Zephyr so let’s go to the Pigs Arms for a few post games ale. So how’s Hank Williams going?”

Urgent Action Taken to Avoid Extinction.

14 Friday Apr 2023

Posted by in Emmjay

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Story by Therese Trouserzoff

The Enmore Institute firmly believes that a strong government demands an equally strong opposition and in light of the current situation, we are taking steps to avoid the imminent extinction of the Australian Liberal Party.

Previous attempts to save the National Party have clearly proven to be fruitless and with the  few remnants wandering around in a vegetative zombie-like state, with limited resources we have decided to focus on what may yet be saved from disastrous leadership, the Enmore Institute has taken the strategic view to avoid attempting the impossible.

Our scientists are collaborating with the Thylacine Project – attempting to re-engineer an extinct species from mitochondrial DNA recovered from the bones of a museum specimen.

Accordingly, our team is exhuming the remains of the late Sir Robert Menzies – father of the Liberal Party. 

Some exploratory work was done in response to urgings to consider using genetic material from the not quite extinct sub species Howardius johnsonii.  However ,funding bodies were hesitant, expressing doubts about the genetic purity of the line following prolonged exposure to Thatcherite radiation.

Further preliminary investigations into using chord blood were scrapped when it was observed that even young Liberals in previously protected habitats (like Goldstein) were judged to be infertile by their gonads  constituents.

Moreover, strong support from a small pod of moderate Liberals included their belief that Sir Robert was turning over in his grave given the extraordinary loss of Liberal habitat, particularly in Western Australia.

The Enmore Institute was approached by the Greens, who insisted that resurrecting even a pure strain of Liberal ideology was akin to bringing back smallpox.  They were amenable to the notion that if Liberal DNA-laden embryos could prove to be viable, freezing them would be an important means of re-creating herd immunity, should the need arise in the future.  The Greens insisted on being guaranteed a say in any considerations to thaw.

One remaining risk bothering our team is that we will find that the coffin, like the ideology, is empty.

The plot thickens – just like cheese sauce

10 Monday Apr 2023

Posted by in Foodge Private Dick, Mark

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Not wanting to upset the court or AAP here is an artist’s impression of Foodge and God entering the court.

Merv leans into the bar. He’s got his elbows on the bar holding his head up and he’s in deep thought. He’s quite concerned about recent incidents. And he’s starting to wonder, what is this really all about? Let’s just say that God may be fictitious, and this character that’s turned up on the doorstep might be fictional just like he is. He doesn’t know but thinks that he is acutely aware of the fact that he wants to save on inverted commas, sometimes it’s better to be fictitious and save on inverted commas than to be real because then you don’t have to face all of those really serious problems like saving on inverted commas or eating, drinking, sleeping and overall reducing the number of inverted commas to help save the planet. Have you all got the inverted commas message yet?

Foodge stumbles into the bar and sits at the far end wanting to stay out of popular view and signals to Merv for his usual pint and 13 nips of whisky. Yes, South Seas Island Blue, a man of real class.

The bar is pretty quiet now, so Merv moves over and fills Foodge’s order.

“Hi Foodge,” says Merv blatantly wasting inverted commas. “I think we’re in for a bit of a tussle here. I mean, what if God is fictitious? And how are we going to prove that he’s real? This could be the trial of the century.”

Foodge ponders what has been said. This trial could be totally catastrophic. However, if he wins, he would become an international superstar of the legal fraternity. Tempting, hmm. I guess it all boils down to the fact that is God real?

So the question is, is God real? And is he more real than us? Characters in a fictional story posted on the internet web page, the Pigs Arms, are a poor guide as some are real and some are fictitious. Maybe God is a member of the fictional characters Union. You know the F*** you. Satan says God isn’t real. That argument needs to be tested in the highest court of law. The Small Claims Tribunal.

[Mark here, the author, thanks, Foodge, for doing an excellent job of thinking rather than speaking, which is a significant saving on inverted commas.]

Merv is concerned at the moment because he’s not sure what’s going to happen. He tells Foodge. “You know, I looked up is God real on A Eye? You know the television set with the typewriter at the bottom. I asked it if God was real. Anyway, it spits out about 27 pages worth of information, so I had to stop it and ask again and say can you give me a brief statement as to whether God is real?

After a while, it came back and said no, God isn’t real. Then about 10 seconds later it come back and said, oh hang on, I’ve had a bit more of a think about it and my new answer is probably not. So I then asked A Eye is Satan real? The answer came back 10 seconds later as, see the answer to God.”

Foodge ponders this news. So some piece of electronics thinks that neither God nor Satan are actually real. Foodge needs to figure out why. How can he win this case? God being real has become irrelevant. Foodge just wants to win. And if Satan is real, he could give a s***.

God comes into the bar and Foodge beckons him over to a table so that they can have a meal together. Belinda brings out some wombat stew with dumplings and a nice bottle of wine. Foodge says. “Look, so that I can get the information that I need, I’m going to put on a tape recorder so that later I can make notes. . Is that OK with you?”

“Go ahead,” says God not realising the need to cut down on inverted commas.

“Look, so are you real?” says Foodge with inverted commas flying everywhere. I mean, doesn’t he believe in climate change. The climate is changing primarily due to the overuse of inverted commas. When will the penny drop, FFS.

God answers definitively. “Of course I’m real. But what’s worrying me at the moment is that we haven’t mentioned Hank Williams.”

“Who?” says Foodge?

“Hank Williams. Yes, Hank Williams. Look, there it goes again, Hank Williams.

“Thankfully, no one said Jesus”, says Foodge. Frugal use of inverted commas has gone out the window.

“Jesus, there it goes again. Jesus. I mean Jesus. How many times are we gonna say, Jesus?” Six lines and we got in 4 Hank Williams and 5 Jesus. Hank Williams and Jesus have nothing to do with the story but hey, we have mentioned Hank Williams and Jesus quite a lot; amazing.

“So God, there’s not a lot of evidence that says that you’re actually real. However, there’s a lot of evidence that says that people believe that you are real. So proving this at the Small Claims Tribunal might be difficult.”

“Well, I’m real,” says God “and am paying you several fivers to prove that I am so that I can win the defamation case against Satan.”

“OK, OK, keep your long hair and your sandals on. I’ll prepare a brief for the court that will stake out the claim and we should win. Look, just a question, Satan says to wait until God pulls the horse race trick. Can you explain what happened here yesterday?”

“Foodge, you never explain all of your secrets do you, I mean you are an excellent bullshit artist, aren’t you? Do you expose everything?”

One of the first times Foodge was unable to answer.

There’s a Stranger at the Bar

04 Tuesday Apr 2023

Posted by in Foodge Private Dick, Mark

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God presents in many forms. This may or may not be one of them.

Merv was standing behind the bar. He looked immaculate in his beautiful white shirt and black trousers and polished black shoes. He looked up and noticed a stranger walking into the bar.

Merv said. “Hey mate. Would you like a beer?”

The stranger looked at Merv and said. “You know. The main reason I’m here on Earth is to drink beer.”

“Well, you’ve come to the right place”, says Merv. “The Pigs Arms has the best beer on Earth. But we don’t play Hank Williams.”

“I’ll have Trotter’s Ale”, says the stranger and he is privately relieved that there are no Hank Williams tunes going to be played.

The stranger goes to pay for the beer. Merv tells the stranger that no one pays here at the Pigs Arms. It’s all paid for by Gordon, the creator of the universe.

“So what’s your name, mate?” asks Merv.

“Well, most people call me God but I prefer mate.”

Merv is Shocked. Shocked, I tell ya. Thinking to himself, not another one of these fruitcakes that think they’re actually God but actually hates Hank Williams. “So, what sort of God are you?” Merv asks.

“Well”, says the stranger. “I guess you could call me the common garden variety type God.”

Merv is in a quandary. We already have Gordon. Who created the universe. Now we have a stranger in the pub that’s telling us that he is God however, thankfully he doesn’t like Hank Williams.

“So God, did you create the universe Or did Gordon? “

“Well, think of it like this, Gordon created this universe,” said God. “But I created Gordon.”

“So God, just to clarify the issue, who created you? “

“Me, mum and Dad,” says God.

Well, Merv doesn’t know what to do now. He’s in a real state. Fancy someone saying that they created Gordon after all this time? When everybody here knew that Gordon was the creator of the universe yet he hates Hank Williams.

Merv attempts to break the ice. “So God, what actually brings you to these parts anyway, besides the beer?”

“Well. Now you asked. I’m actually looking for a sharp barrister to present me in the Supreme Court in a defamation case against Satan”

Merv ponders the statement. “Well, God, we do have a barrister here by the name of Foodge”

Foodge is sitting at the other side of the bar with a pint and 13 shots of whisky in front of him while studying the racing guide.

Merv walks over to Foodge. “Hey, Foodge, That guy over there says he’s God and, thankfully hates Hank Williams, says he wants you to represent him in the Supreme Court.”

“Tell him to f*** o**” says Foodge. Feel free to count the asterisks.

“He says there’s a fiver in it, mate.”

Suddenly, Foodge takes an interest, a fiver. Well, maybe we can even negotiate a bigger fee. Foodge understands that a fiver could be really helpful at this point in time. I mean, he’s only got 13 scotches left, but with a fiver, he could probably buy a few more. Well, let’s see what happens.

“OK then,” says Foodge. “that’s alright with me as long as isn’t fine defaulters. “Is he a shirt lifter? asks Foodge.

“Nah,” says Merv “just a control freak.”

Foodge walks over to God and introduces himself. “The name is Foodge. Highly qualified barrister at law. More than happy to represent you in the court but please, no Hank Williams” Foodge cuts straight to the chase. “I believe there might be a fiver in it for me.”

“Several fivers,” replies God. Foodge is becoming more and more interesting in this case as it goes along, and he doesn’t even know yet what it’s about, but he doesn’t care as long as there are some fivers in it for him.

“So what’s the issue?” Says Foodge He personally couldn’t give a s**t. He was just in for the fivers and no Hank Williams. Basically just like all barristers.

“Satan. Well, Satan. says I’m not real, yet here I am, standing in front of you, living proof. Here’s an article from the Inner Cyberian Times that shows just exactly what he said about me” replies God.

Foodge studies the article. He skips through it with little interest. The case itself couldn’t care less. Just wants the money. Just like all barristers that don’t like Hank Williams, well, sort of.

“So how can we tell that you really are God?” asks Foodge.

God looks over to where Foodge was sitting at the bar and sees a racing guide. He points at the guide and makes it come to him just like magic. He scrolls through the list of races. And says. OK. It’s the 5th day of the 5th month. Race 5 Number 5. Race time is 5pm. Is paying $55. I’ll guarantee it will win.

God asks Merv. “Do you have a phone around here? I need to make a quick phone call..’ Merv points to the mobile phone in the carpark for the public.

It wins. The patrons are ecstatic. Everyone has lots of cash in their pockets. God is real. Three cheers for God. Hip hip Hooray, Hip hip, Hooray. Hip, hip, Hooray.

This is the phone booth God used

Some authors notes, This has taken me a long time to write. I’m not sure if it’s really funny but I hope you like it. My aim with all of my stories was to give the reader a 10 minute break from life to have some fun. The horse race gag is about the phone number 555-5555, When I was a kid and watched TV shows, the prefix phone number always started with 555. Algernon and I have joked about it since. Me, now traveling the best I have ever been in 20 years. Anyone that has taken offence at me in the past, I’m sorry. I now have great mental health. The correct diagnosis and medication has turned my life around. I will have at least 2 more episodes coming. Hope you read and enjoy them all. Even I am amazed at the outcome following my research.

Church Involvement in the AWKWARD Sub Deal described as a “Clerical Error”.

02 Sunday Apr 2023

Posted by in Emmjay

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From the Pig’s Arms cub reporter Boo-Boo Bear

Father O’Way – International Financial Mover and Shaker

Today’s headline in the Lent Chronicle carries a leaked email exposing the proposed funding of the contentious AWKWARD Unclear Submarine lay-by deal struck between the US, UK and Australian governments.

The Australian government was using a defrocked priest from St Generic Brand’s semenary as the go-between finance wizard, to stitch together a complex web of off-shore continental shelf companies established by the Melbourne-based comedy financiers, the Encyclical Brothers.

Apparently, the financial arrangements engineered by the defrocked priest (thought to be one Father O’Way) were so simple that they defied analysis by actual waries in Treasury.  Simpler, in fact than the old school Labor approach (aka the Khemlani Affair) where a meeting with a Middle Eastern arms dealer offering unlimited cash on the basis of a handshake sufficed to be adequate for securing supply.  Mind you, “handshake” was not intended to convey pressing the flesh and swapping first borns to make sure both parties honoured the deal.  Moreover, it was in the vein of a Parkinson’s symptom.

The Email goes on to sketch out the bones of the financial arrangement along these lines:

  1. Father O’Way would buy the submarines using his Amex card – racking up about 15 gazillion QAINTARSE frequent-flyer points and a year’s subscription to a Murdochian rag of his choice.
  2. O’Way would then claim that there was nowhere he wanted to fly and besides, flight is bad for climate change.  Instead, he would then offer to take the troubled airline off some leprechaun’s hands and put the entire show in a Commune Wealth Bank Offset account reducing the monthly AWKUST interest bill to about half of Gina Rhinestone’s play lunch money.
  3. When the time came around for Father O’Way to pay off his Amex account, he is planning to complain that the Subs were not in the colour he ordered and under Amex’s ‘customer is always right’ policy, Amex would cancel the order and in the unlikely event that an actual sub had poked its snout into Australian waters, the sub would be ordered to miss a turn, turn around and sail back to wherever, do not pass the Chinese continental shelf, do not collect $100 billion.
  4. Because the sub would then be second-hand, or soiled floor stock, the Other AWKWARD partners would be forced to re-sell it at a substantial discount – to be purchased (most likely) by an unidentified man of the cloth, using his Amex card.

Astute readers will no doubt have picked up a theme here – and possibly also spotted a flaw in O’Way’s logic – namely what to do when he owns several QAINTARSE airlines.  But not to write off the good father’s plan prematurely, his own father, “Anchors” O’Way was overheard discussing the potential for the airlines to outsource everything to each other with the exception of baggage handlers who would continue to be subcontracted by the travel insurance industry.

In the next instalment we’ll hear about more steps in Father O’Way’s grand plan – to purchase Alan Mask, spring Ghislaine Maxwill and Julian Massage, in exchange for Mork Latham and two Milky Bars.