From the Pig’s Arms cub reporter Boo-Boo Bear

Father O’Way – International Financial Mover and Shaker

Today’s headline in the Lent Chronicle carries a leaked email exposing the proposed funding of the contentious AWKWARD Unclear Submarine lay-by deal struck between the US, UK and Australian governments.

The Australian government was using a defrocked priest from St Generic Brand’s semenary as the go-between finance wizard, to stitch together a complex web of off-shore continental shelf companies established by the Melbourne-based comedy financiers, the Encyclical Brothers.

Apparently, the financial arrangements engineered by the defrocked priest (thought to be one Father O’Way) were so simple that they defied analysis by actual waries in Treasury.  Simpler, in fact than the old school Labor approach (aka the Khemlani Affair) where a meeting with a Middle Eastern arms dealer offering unlimited cash on the basis of a handshake sufficed to be adequate for securing supply.  Mind you, “handshake” was not intended to convey pressing the flesh and swapping first borns to make sure both parties honoured the deal.  Moreover, it was in the vein of a Parkinson’s symptom.

The Email goes on to sketch out the bones of the financial arrangement along these lines:

  1. Father O’Way would buy the submarines using his Amex card – racking up about 15 gazillion QAINTARSE frequent-flyer points and a year’s subscription to a Murdochian rag of his choice.
  2. O’Way would then claim that there was nowhere he wanted to fly and besides, flight is bad for climate change.  Instead, he would then offer to take the troubled airline off some leprechaun’s hands and put the entire show in a Commune Wealth Bank Offset account reducing the monthly AWKUST interest bill to about half of Gina Rhinestone’s play lunch money.
  3. When the time came around for Father O’Way to pay off his Amex account, he is planning to complain that the Subs were not in the colour he ordered and under Amex’s ‘customer is always right’ policy, Amex would cancel the order and in the unlikely event that an actual sub had poked its snout into Australian waters, the sub would be ordered to miss a turn, turn around and sail back to wherever, do not pass the Chinese continental shelf, do not collect $100 billion.
  4. Because the sub would then be second-hand, or soiled floor stock, the Other AWKWARD partners would be forced to re-sell it at a substantial discount – to be purchased (most likely) by an unidentified man of the cloth, using his Amex card.

Astute readers will no doubt have picked up a theme here – and possibly also spotted a flaw in O’Way’s logic – namely what to do when he owns several QAINTARSE airlines.  But not to write off the good father’s plan prematurely, his own father, “Anchors” O’Way was overheard discussing the potential for the airlines to outsource everything to each other with the exception of baggage handlers who would continue to be subcontracted by the travel insurance industry.

In the next instalment we’ll hear about more steps in Father O’Way’s grand plan – to purchase Alan Mask, spring Ghislaine Maxwill and Julian Massage, in exchange for Mork Latham and two Milky Bars.