Thought to be an exposure of Hung with Tutu’s support *

The Crickmanistani’s have a droid with them that was a coffee dispenser on one of the levels of the Death Ball. Well anyway, this droid got friendly with, I mean really friendly with if you know what I mean, one of the design droids on board and has a copy of plans of the Death Ball. Well Helvi analysed them to find that there is a weak spot in the design in a location called the Upper Inner Thigh, apparently very tender and painful if struck.

So here’s the plan. Me and Helvi are going to teleport into the control room and take out the Detractor beam while Belinda and George hit the Upper Inner Thigh with a “Bouncer” which is a bomb. So we break the beam, get the zark outta there and blow the Death Ball up. Yeah, I know weak as but worked for George Lucas.

Belinda and George jettison themselves in an Escape pod just before we dock. Don’t ya just love how spaceships that travel in deep space always have escape pods, I mean where ya gonna go? Helvi and I beam ourselves into the control room. In a split second Helvi takes out two guards and the control door with laser canon fire, gees, no wonder Gez eats all his veggies. We roll behind a bank of computers and let the return fire go over our heads. My beautiful creams are turning beige to honey colour at the moments and I think the nanobots are struggling to keep up.

Helvi pops her head round the corner and with two shots takes out another two guards. There’s three left plus, you guessed it, the evil Lord Deaf Vision. Laser cannon fire is rapidly being deployed in our direction. With that Helvi winks and dives across the floor rolling and firing in the one action, I mean man, she is poetry in motion. Helvi takes a hit and has her arm blown off but momentarily she keeps firing.

Suddenly it’s quiet. A voice calls out “Sandy, just you and me now, come on out and lets fight to the death.” “Sorry” I reply meekly “I’ve got a bit of a cold and I don’t feel very well at the moment, how bout a rain-check?” Zeus! Where that came from I have no idea. “Come out Sandy, it’s time to be a man and fight, swords, to the death, just me and you. If you win you get to leave otherwise your ship and crew are mine.”

I stand up and see Lord Vision standing there, resplendent in his black armour and helmet. “Ur, um sorry old boy, but I don’t have a sword” and just as those stupid words fall out of my mouth Vision throws me a sword. “Take guard” he cries and charges at me with incredible power and speed knocking me to the ground. Luckily I used to watch Errol Flynn as a youngster and I just put my sword up in time. Just then my phone rings, I mean mobiles are a pain aren’t they, always ringing when its inconvenient.

I pull the phone out of my pocket and answer “Hello, Sandy speaking” I respond rather nonchalantly.

“It’s Gordon here Sandy. I’m in the pub with Emmjay and the boys and me what to see how you are getting on?” Gordon asks

“Well Gordon, I’m a bit busy at the moment. Lord Vision and I are having a sword fight to the death and right now he’s lying on top of me trying to cut my throat.” I inform.

“Sandy, you joker, look Algernon wants to talk to you”

“Hey Sandy, get back to Earth by New Years eve man, the bus is booked to the holy grail, and we need a priest to bless the pitch and then to absolve us of all our sins on the way home” says Algernon “Gez wants to say something”

“Hey Sandy, I made up a name for the AFL team in WA, The Fremantle Lamingtons, get it, funny eh” scoffs Gez.

“Can you put Gordon on I really have to go” I beg.

“Gordon here Sandy. Look to really piss Vision off just use the farce. Think of the stupidest joke you ever heard and throw him across the room. See ya”

Hmmm, stupid joke, I know, Horse walks into a bar and barman says Why the long face? I mean as if a horse would understand English, and what’s he doing in a bar anyway and what if the horse isn’t over 18? Go away Vision. And with that Lord Vision is hurled across the room smashing into a computer terminal and impaling himself on his sword. I go up to him. He’s breathing hard. “Sandy take my helmet off, I’m dying and I want you to know me before I die.” I unscrew the helmet. “Dad?”, “Sandy”, “Dad?” “Yes Sandy it’s me John.” Vision reveals. “But you’re dead” I assert. “No son, I faked my death to become an intergalactic umpire with the ICCB. Now look I’m dying there must be many questions you want to ask me?” Vision says. “Well, remember when I was 9 and all I wanted was a guitar and you got me Understanding Chaos Theory, why did you do that? And then when I was 13 I wanted a 7’6”Gordon and Smith surfboard and you got me Quantum Mechanics for Beginners, why was that?” “Yes, yes, parenting’s a tough gig, but Sandy don’t you want to know how to win at horse racing, predicting lotto and the truth about Gordon?” bleats Vision with one final breath. “No not really…..”

And there ends the first part of The Father O’Way Chronicles. The next part will probably be called “The Umpire Raises His Finger” followed by “The Return of the Ball” if you get my drift and of course it will totally meaningless as usual.

Cheers all merry seasons greetings

Hung and Tutu.

* This photograph will have a strange resonance for those who went to the David Byrne concerts recently.

** I would like to express my great appreciation for Hung’s masterful chronicles, and Warrigal’s digital wizardry – together making Father O’Way live, breathe and generally piss fart around !  Good on you !

Emm

Nimmow Rescue

Digitally Rescued by Warrigal

We have just hit space debris where the planet Joon should be and I’m now at the controls of a spaceship, controls that remind me of my faithful Toyota Camry. Henry, the navigational computer, is busy attempting to prevent the ship from being damaged and I am turning the ship as hard as possible to the right to get the zark outta here, wherever here is. The Hevli-tastic is standing next to me with my companion Belinda. Every one looks worried so I try to lighten the moment by saying something incredibly stupid like “Don’t worry you guys. Learnt this on my uncles farm in New England, anyway I have farcical powers”. Suddenly the ship rights itself and calm is restored on the ship. A voice pops up in my head, its Gordon “Use the farce Sandy, the farce is strong within you”.

Henry speaks through the intercom “Look Sandy, there’s a small moon over there, lets orbit it for protection”. Henry has now resumed control of the ship. Somehow using my farcical powers I have managed to put a hold on the current situation. “Look, Helvi, Belinda, what’s that on that asteroid on the left?” We all peer out of the control room to see an asteroid floating past with a bio. It’s a cricket picket inside the bio with a game going on. What the…? “I’ll send the Nimmow to rescue them”interjects Henry.

The Nimmow, with the Kipper and Jilligan set off to the asteroid and return with the battle weary cricket harden Joonians. “Hey man”says the first one on board still wearing his batting pads“I mean I was on 99 and heading for a century when these two goons in pink chiffon blouses turn up with laser cannons and say they are here to rescue us” “Welcome mate er, um, fella, whatever I’m Sandy from Earth and we have picked you up” I blurt not really knowing what one says in circumstances like this “Hey Sandy, dude, my name is Shah Latif Abdul Bahi or Slab for short as my mates reckon I can down a slab any day. I’m from Crickmanistan and this is our first eleven. We knew we was in trouble with the ICCB so we legged it to the Asteroid Oval, beautiful ground to play cricket on don’t you think?” Hmmm, my obvious weaknesses, an intense dislike for cricket and zarking acronyms. “Fabulous I’m sure” I reply as diplomatically as possible.

As the others enter into the control room Helvi grabs my arm “Sandy, that ain’t no moon” “Now Helvi there is no such word as ain’t” I reply in my sanctimonious parish priest voice. “Sandy, that AIN’T no moon, that’s an ICCB Death Ball, a genuine six stitcher” I focus my full attention on the ball and realise that Helvi is telling the truth “Henry, reverse swing or whatever I’m supposed to say to get us outta here” I bark “Sorry Sandy, we seem to be caught in a detractor beam, we can’t move, we will dock with the Death Ball in approximately 1 hour” “Detractor beam?”I reply “Yes Sandy. It locks onto the ship preventing it from moving and it makes very disparaging remarks and the ship and it’s crew, I’m feeling very hurt at the moment” Oh for zark sake, now Henry is telling me that we will be docking onto the Death Ball and he is upset at a bit of sledging, you know space never ceases to amaze me. “Anyone with an idea of what to do better speak up now?” “I know”says Belinda “Lets play a straight bat…..”

ICCB Deathball

Interstellar Off Break by Warrigal

The mood on the ship has changed since Gordon’s message about the Intergalactic Cricket Control Board’s announcement that they have lost patience with worlds that aren’t paying their fees. The crew are now in combat mode, all armoured and carrying weapons. Troops have entered the village and river traffic has increased as troops and other military gear is ferried around the ship. Even the Nimmow has morphed into a patrol boat and the Kipper and Jilligan have their armour and weapons matched perfectly to their skirts and chiffon blouses.

The most remarkable change is in Helvi. George informs me that Helvi is really a killing machine capable of hand to hand combat, excellent small arms skills and sword mastery. Helvi calls into the manor. “Sandy I need to teach you the ways of the Farce. You can channel the farce as your father could. You have phenomenal farcical powers” Helvi instructs. Boy, Dad, my uni professor of a father had some mystical powers. I mean, shit, he never told me. “But Helvi” I bemoan “I can’t fight anyone, it’s against my religion, you know, St Generic Brand”. “Oh Sandy, stop wimping. The time is now and the one is you, you have to stand firm and fight the evil Lord Deaf Vision.” Says Helvi, the killing machine.

Helvi places a glass of water on the table. “Now Sandy I want you to use the Farce through your mind and put the glass out in the kitchen” says Helvi. “Go on Sandy, you can do anything” says Belinda supportively. “Now just think of something or someone really stupid then tell the glass to return to the kitchen.” Helvi asks. Okay, man, I’m almost shitting myself but if that’s what I’ve gotta do then okay. I let my mind wander and think, who’s stupid? what’s stupid? That guy in the pub, the one that hardly speaks and usually stares blankly at the wall, Hung something, yeah that’s right Hung One On from that band Head Cleaner, what a stupid name. Glass, to the kitchen. Suddenly the glass raises off the table and smashes into the kitchen wall splattering glass and water all over the place. “Sandy, not so hard, but you did it, you did it” relieves Helvi as Belinda shrieks with joy. Gee two women at once is hard work.

So we are about to hit the SPEW and who knows where Lord Deaf Vision will be but all I have to do is think of something stupid and use the Farce. You know as funny as that seems I’ve actually been really good at stupidity all my life. Maybe this is my calling after all. My high school teacher always used to say “Whitey” Don’t know why he called me that when my names Sandy, “Whitey, it’s one of the great puzzles of the universe, what are you actually doing here?” In my mind my answer was “Fucked if I know Noel” Noel was his first name and a no no to call him that. My answer would always come out “Yes Mr Meadows, whatever you say sir”.

We are currently in the SPEW, the Space Particle Emissions Wavetable and have just jumped to Joon. Henry calls on the intercom “Sandy, you better get here fast something’s up”. Belinda and I race across the green and into the control room. We look out into space and there is debris everywhere. “Active deflector shields” cries Henry, “Sandy, hit the brakes” Henry yells. “What brakes?” I sing out, I thought I didn’t need to know anything about flying this thing. “Sit in the chair and hit the pedal on the left” Henry screams. I hit the chair and there is a steering wheel with two pedals on the floor. To my left is a floor shift with the letters PRND2L and some other levers behind the wheel. Hang on, a car, you mean to tell me I’m in the driver seat of a car, this is farcical alright, mighty complex fiction. “Do a yuey, a u-turn fast” screams Henry.

Nimmow riding the Pleiades spatio-temporal tube

Warrigal does another swell job

The manor has a room that has two chairs and no window. Belinda and I joke about the room and we call it “The Cruel Room”. Buggered if I know why but we get a good laugh out of it. Helvi has shown us how the room works. You enter the room and sit down. The entire room them vanishes and you are sitting outside the ship, well, not really but it simulates the experience. At first it’s pretty scary but you get used to it after a while and it becomes a real buzz.  As soon as you stand up the room returns. While you are in the room you ask Catherine, the central computer, any question you like. The answer then gets shown on the far wall in a multimedia type format of narration, text, video and sound, it’s wicked.

So as we are headed to Joon for the cricket one day final so Belinda and I decide to get a low-down on our destination. Joon is a small planet about the size of Mars and is found in the group of stars called Pleiades or the Seven Sisters. Joon rotates around a star called Atlas and takes approximately 4 years to get in a full orbit. Joon is mainly water with a scattering of islands. Everyone on Joon loves cricket and it plays a large part in the culture. All nations play off for the final which the whole planet shuts down for. This years final is between the Bilbobs and the Aryans. Joon by the way is 425 light years from earth. Henry, the navigational computer, tells me that once we hit the SPEW it will take us 8 and a half hours to reach.

The Aryans are a very quiet sort of race, non drinking and very respectful whereas the Bilbobs have a huge cerebration around the cricket game. They dance, listen to funky music, smoke cannabis and drink rum by the bucket full. However the best part is the spit roast. They cook these animals that resemble goats called geni on spits called tals, so a common expression in the villages is “Hey man, how’s ya geni tals doing?” to which you answer “Cookin dude”

Helvi has been fantastic and has orientated us to ship life. Even Catherine has warmed up a bit. I’m starting to like this. The manor is beautifully appointed to a very high standard and the food is fantastic. Belinda and I take turns to help George with cooking and even some earthling habits are starting to appear in his character. Pity it will end when I have to teleport down to the surface of Joon and watch a stupid cricket game.

One thing is starting to worry me though. In the paper there are stories starting to appear about some trouble brewing with the cricket board. Bloody administrators always sticking their noses in where they are wanted.

There’s a knock at the door. It’s Catherine, “Sandy, Belinda, I’ve just had a call from Gordon. He wants to see you in the Cruel Room”. “But Gordon’s on earth” I reply knowing as usual I’ll be wrong. “By hologram Sandy, c’mon,  he said its urgent” The three of us trundle off to the room and sit down. The walls and ceiling vanish and a hologram appears in the centre of the room. It’s Gordon and he’s in the Ladies Lounge at the Pigs Arms as I can see Tutu and Glenda in the background discussing genetic modification. “Hey guys” says Gordon “Look something’s up. The President of the Intergalactic Cricket Control Board (ICCB), Sunil Gavitron,  has joined forces with the evil Lord Deaf Vision  and are threatening war if some of the planets don’t start paying their cricket fees, Joon is one of those planets”. War over cricket fees, surely not I think to myself. “So Sandy” Gordon continues “it’s up to you to defend these worlds. You see Sandy I haven’t been quite straight with you. There is this invisible power in the universe called the Farce and you Sandy have the ability to channel the Farce and use it for good against evil” Oh shit, what is happening here, this wasn’t the deal, I mean I’m a lover not a fighter. “So Sandy head for Joon and protect them and may the farce be with you…..”

The Secret at The Centre of The Universe

Analgesia by Mirriyuula

“When space and time are curved, telling a story non-sequentially hardly matters” …….. incompetent PA editor

I walk into the Bats Droppings. It feels soft underfoot and aromatic, er, um, the pub that is. Michael the publican gives me a warm greeting “Welcome Father, pint?” “Thanks Michael, where’s that accent from?” I ask. “It’s Welsh Father. It’s a Welsh publican’s voice from the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.” “Pardon!” I exclaim foolishly, “Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch” says Michael, “It means St. Mary’s Church in the hollow of white hazel near a rapid whirlpool and the Church of St. Tysilio near the red cave.” Oh for fuck sake, some people just can’t grip reality, I mean wouldn’t something like Woodville be easier on all an sundry.

There’s a poster on the wall, ‘Playing Saturday nite Dave Oarsfield, singer, songwriter, historian and anthropologist’ “So what’s this Dave guy like?” I ask Michael. “He’s good Father, plays a few tunes and will have a chat to anyone willing. Does all of the good Beatles songs” says Michael. Oh well that will take all of two minutes. “Yes, Belinda and I will have to come over, but Michael, you’re all droids aren’t you? I mean how long are we in space for? The food and stuff how do we get that?” “So many questions, so little time” jokes Michael. “Now let’s see. The ship is self-sustaining. We need to get water sometimes but virtually everything is made on board. I’ll get one of the droids to take you to the farm bio, it’s up the river. Yes, all droids last time I looked” Michael laughs heartily as he feels his crotch. I like this droid, er, um, guy.

“B, b, but?” I stutter trying to take in the enormity of it all. “Well” injects Michael “ We have evolved over millions of years. Gordon brought in the basic building blocks and programmed us to evolve into what we are today. Each generation of droid builds the next generation and so on. The droids are programmed to respond to your movements as part of the SNAP program, you know to make you feel as normal as possible.” Acronyms Jesus Christ I am sick of bloody acronyms

So after a few pints and a lot of thinking time I head back to the manor. George answers the door “Dinner will be at 1930 hrs Sir, oops Sandy. The ladies are in the sitting room”. “Wow Belinda, you look fabulous, well done Helvi” I spurt. “It’s easy when you have someone wonderful to work on Sandy” Helvi says. “Helvi?” “Yes Sandy” “Look George said before that the ship had 299 droids on board, I mean why not go the whole hog and add one more for 300?” I muse. “Well there is a 300^th droid Sandy but we left him on Earth.” Helvi replies. “Why is it so?” I ask doing my Jules impersonation. “Well, if I tell you, you must promise not to tell anyone” Belinda and I nod impulsively wanting to know more. “Well” Helvi continues “The droid is filling in for a person while that person is carrying out some very dangerous work”. “And who and what is that?” Belinda prompts. “Come close you two and I’ll whisper it to you” Helvi says as she draws us in and her eyes narrow. “It’s psst psst psst psst and he is doing psst psst psst” “What? You’re joking” I exclaim unable to control myself. “Merv is a droid and the real Merv is Malcolm Turnbull’s image consultant…..”. And so the plot thickens.

Gordon sees danger… “What’s that ? A head ?”

Initial Massage by Wirruulia

Drinking at the Bat’s Droppings is great. Michael the publican has a real larrikin streak in him and Dave the guitar man plays all my favourites, once I programmed him with my disc, Band-in-a-Droid. Michael has arranged for me to visit the tropical island bio with two of the crew, the Kipper and his mate Jilligan. They were the strangest looking droids I’d ever seen, cross dressers by the look of them. “Only takes three hours” said the Kipper while Jilligan just smiled and looked goofy.

We set off from the village. Belinda said she would go another time as her and the Helvi-tastic were going to see a chick flick at the cinema. So along with Zeb I boarded the SS Nimmow. Some of this stuff seemed so familiar it was spooky. As we headed up the river I could hear the Kipper humming a tune. “What tune is that Kipper?” I enquired. “Oh, it’s just a song I like to sing when we are out in the boat, I made it up” the Kipper replied. “Sing it for us, go on, its only us lads and the dog” I prompted. “Okay then Sandy it goes like this”.

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful trip

That started from this village port

Aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailing man,

The Kipper brave and sure.

A passenger set sail that day

For a three hour tour, a three hour tour.

The weather started getting rough,

The tiny ship was tossed,

If not for the courage of the fearless crew

The Nimmow would be lost, the Nimmow would be lost.

The ship set ground on the shore of this, bio desert isle

With Jilligan

The Kipper too,

A bag of hair and a knife,

A muesli bar

A compressor and jerry can,

Here on Jilligan’s Isle.

Hmmm, hardly reassuring but vaguely familiar is some strange sort of way. Jilligan approaches me “Here Sandy, you and Zeb will need these”. Safety lines, what in the fuck will we need these for? “When we hit the tube it gets pretty rough and then there’s the membrane”. “The membrane?” I ask. “Yeah, the membrane holds the river water from the sea water, you know, Glad Wrap” smirks Jilligan.

As we approach the tube the current starts to accelerate. The pace of the boat quickens along with my pulse. I double check our lines and I can see the top of the tube is clear. I can see the stars as clear as a bell then suddenly, bang! The pace is electric. Waves of water pound over the bow. I am scared out of my wits. The nanobots in my jocks will be working overtime tonight. “Prepare to come about” called the Kipper. What the fuck does that mean? The ship groans under immense pressure. I hear the keel scrape against the membrane and then thump goes a pole into my head and I drop to the deck, unconscious.

I wake up on a beach. Zeb is licking my face and the SS Nimmow is prostrate up on the sand. I can smell bacon cooking and the aroma of coffee meanders through the air. The Kipper sings out “C’mon Sandy, breakfast is ready”. Breakfast,  last thing I remember was scrapping the membrane. “Sorry mate a mast broke and you got hit on the head. Henry is sending the rescue party but Belinda is dirty as you were on a promise, whatever that means, wanna see the engine?” the Kipper blurts. Engines are about as interesting as cricket but I go along with it plus the bacon sarnie and coffee is hitting the spot. “Yeah, sure, where is it?” I ask.

The Kipper takes us along a track into the island, so this is Jilligan’s Island I think to myself. The Kipper points to a tunnel. “That’s the Urethra” he bellows, not so loud mate me head hurts. “You go down the Urethra and you find the WEE”. Hang on a minute, is he having a lend of me. We enter the tunnel and it’s rather short. At the end of the tunnel is a hatch and we enter. It opens into the top section of an huge building. We must be twenty stories high. Whoa I am feeling a little wonky. At the bottom of the building is a very large white box shaped object with some indescribable objects attached to it. “That’s the WEE” says the Kipper “The Wireless Electric Engine”. He points to the attached objects and says “That’s the Gizmo and that’s the Thingy. In combination they propel the ship at very high speed”. So a gizmo and a thingy couple with the wee to go fast, oh dear, not very scientific I suppose. “This is complex fiction” I reply finding it hard to come up with anything useful to say. Looking around I see all these tubes and ladders running up and down the inside of the building. I point them out and ask what they are. “Gee Sandy, what rock have you been living under. The tubes are called Snakes and the Ladders are just that, I mean haven’t you ever heard of the transport system called Snakes and Ladders?” replies a smug Jilligan.

…….No, it was Warrigal all along … who did the digital mischief

O’Way hurtling through shallow space

Dirigible Warrigal by Mischief

So, we have been in space for weeks now. The ship can’t go very fast when it’s inside a solar system and Henry has to work hard avoiding things. There’s a tollway just the other side of Pluto and that’s where we’re heading.

Life in the village is idyllic. The crew, well the droids but we refer to them as crew now as they are so human and friendly, create a great ambience of English rural life. Mornings are taken up with breakfast in the court yard. I usually read the paper, The Intergalactic Times, which is beamed to the ships computer everyday. I don’t understand much of it but I’m learning. Belinda chats away about her plans and then her and George set off to the shops to pick up the daily groceries.

This gives me time to reflect. I was born at the Matworth Base Hospital right on change of shift which immediately put me of side with the staff. I was Chinese and my parents called me Nick, Nicolas Xavier Wong. My dad, Walter, a very wealthy man, was a watch maker and he was proud of his shop “Walter Wong’s Watches” being displayed across the front in large letters. “One day all this will be yours Nick X” he would say. My elder sister was Penny, Penny Wong. We would play for hours every day in a creek that ran past the back yard. Penny used to love to tell me “One day me and you are going to control all of this water Nick X”. My family always called me Nick X. I think it was because I didn’t look like them and couldn’t master chop sticks very well.

My dad was always looking to get richer. He used to tinker with computers and one day at a large family gathering my Dad said “You know, one day computers will communicate with each other via the phone line, the information will be broken up into packets and reassembled at the other end”. “Preposterous” came the cries and the next day men in white coats came and took my dad away. Not long after that the police arrived.  My mum was feeling bad because she missed dad and the policeman said “Mavis” that’s my mum’s name “Mavis you’ve brought home the wrong child from the hospital” “Yes, that’s right the Wong child” replied mum in her broken English. “No the wrong, wrong child” emphasised the policeman “He’s a Wong” said mum “No wrong, w.r.o.n.g. child meaning Nick isn’t yours” and so I was taken away to my new family, John and Olive O’Way.

My new parents called me Alexander Leonard Lyndhurst O’Way, yes an acronym, that’s why I hate them, and as you know, everyone calls me Sandy. My new family were poor. They didn’t eat fish and rice like the Wongs but lamb and potatoes instead. My dad was a university professor and my mum was a farmer’s daughter. This was all very different and it took me a long time to adjust.

Then I met Trevor. Trevor lived next door and loved cricket. We played cricket all day and into the night until our mum’s would come and get us. In the park on weekends the Test match was on. Me and Trev would always play on the same team, usually with Jules and MJ. On the other team were always Glenda and some of her sisters. Glenda had eight sisters Juanita, Jacinta, Melinda, Rosita, Edwina, Sophia, Cassandra and Belinda but man Glenda was awesome. She would tonk you all over the park and was a good bowler as well.

Then things changed. Trevor had to move away as his dad got a job in the mines. All the gang would come over to my house “C’mon Sandy, you’re the only one that can get Glenda out” they’d cry but to no avail. I lost my interest in cricket from that day forward.

Many years later I attended the Sow End High School for Boys with Criminal Records where I met the Bish. Billy Bishop. Billy told me a story one day about wanting to become a priest. Billy said they feed you, provide you a house and all you have to do is wear a funny gown and listen to people’s problems. So Billy and I joined up. Billy wanted to get up the ladder and moved on but running a parish was good enough for me. So that’s how I ended up at the parish of St Generic, St Generic Brand, in the good old inner west of Cyberia, pub regular at the Pigs Arms and now on a spaceship headed for the planet Joon to report on a cricket game. Work that one out.

Look, I’m having trouble suspendering belief too …. just go with me…..

Midgetall Dischief by Warrigal

I’ve just been reunited with the best dog in the world, no, the best dog in the universe and have returned to the manor to find Helvi waiting for us in the sitting room. “Helvi, wow, fantastic, how did you get here?” I ask. “Good afternoon you two cuties. I’m Helvi-tastic Model A1” replies Helvi! Helvi is a droid? Does Gez know? My mind is racing. “Oh Helvi, so you are a droid?” asks Belinda. “Yes Belinda. Gordon got my creator to make me in the likeness of Helvi as part of the SNAP program. I’m your SNAP Coordinator.” Bloody acronyms, I hate bloody acronyms. “SNAP Helvi?” I ask stupidly “Model A1?” “Yes Sandy, SNAP stands for Space Normalisation Adaptation Process. I will help you settle into village life. And yes my creator wouldn’t make any more models as it’s impossible to improve on perfection” Helvi informs us.

“Now lets get you two dressed” says the Helvi-tastic as she marches off into the bedroom. Helvi opens the wardrobe and there are a small amount of clothes hanging up and some drawers. “Now strip off Sandy” instructs Helvi. “But Helvi I hardly know you” I gush as I feel my cheeks going red. “Now Sandy, I’m a woman of the world and seeing you naked is not going to overload my circuits.” With that, Belinda and Helvi break into laughter. I disrobe and remove my slippers. “Hmmm, not bad Belinda, but such a small thing” jokes Helvi as she opens a drawer and throws me a pair of jocks. “Here, put these on.” I pull on the jocks and within a few seconds, they adjust to fit me perfectly. In fact these are the most comfortable jocks I’ve ever had. Before I even get to ask Helvi pipes in “All of the clothing here is self adjustable. G. King makes them. Nanobots adjust everything to suit your shape and size. They will also adjust the clothing based on temperature and other data they receive from the central computer.” “Catherine?” I bemoan, “The control freak of a computer that walks around the ship as a cat. I hate cats”. Suddenly my jocks tighten and my goolies are being crushed. The pain is immense and I drop to the ground. “Catherine, let Sandy’s nuts go” says Helvi. “Catherine, let him go please. Remember in the next few chapters he learns about programming” Helvi states calmly. The jocks loosen up and go back to normal. Better be careful for the next few chapters it would seem.

Helvi tosses me some pants, a shirt and a light jacket. I put them on and the same thing happens. The clothes adjust to fit me perfectly and I feel very comfortable. Socks and shoes, all the same, wow, this G King must be some sort of genius.  “So now Sandy, why don’t you go over to the pub for a few pints while I make this charming young princess of yours ever more beautiful then she already is” Helvi says. Darn just when we were getting to the good bit, but Helvi-tastic was right, she is perfect, a woman telling you to go and have a few ales, perfect all right.

Tiring of Georges bland attentions, Helvibot had Gordon knock up something more homey so she could have some company and conversation on her tea break

Digital Lunacy by Warrigal

So here we are in the control room of a spaceship called the SHITS 38B, B being for Biosphere. We have just whizzed round the moon at a million miles per hour and are heading back to an orbit near Earth so Gordon can teleport back to the surface. “Anyway” says Gordon, “Lets go and get you two dressed” nodding in the direction of Belinda and me. Having been so preoccupied with everything that’s been happening I glance down to see that I’m still in my bathrobe and slippers. I glimpse at Belinda and she is the same. As I turn to leave the cabin on a mat on the floor is a blue heeler. It can’t be. Zeb, the greatest dog of all time, yes, its Zeberdee. I race over too him. He sits obediently and puts up his paw just as he always does. “Gordon, how did you get Zeb here?” I ask ecstatically. “Sorry Sandy, it’s a droid made in Zeberdee’s likeness. The Fa…, oops Henry, uses this form when he needs to move around the ship.” But Zeb, I loved him, he was just the greatest, liked to wrestle and was the best cover fielder we ever had. “He can come with you as Zeberdee if you want, Henry doesn’t go out much” Gordon says, “Oh yes please, c’mon Zeb, you’re with us,” I announce with great affection.

With Zeb in close proximity, we head back to the manor to get some clothes on. As we walk along, I raise a tricky issue with Gordon. “Gordon” I pose “If the universe is in a box at the back of the science lab, it must be a pretty big box?” “Well no Sandy’ Gordon replies, “It’s actually quite small. You remember when you were six and your parents brought you those Hush Puppies?” Yes, I do remember, my first pair of Hush Puppies. I kept the box in the bottom of my wardrobe with all my favourite cricket cards. “Well it’s about that big,” Gordon reveals. I’m shocked, I mean that’s small, incredibly small. “So” I press unsure as to if I want the answer “How do you fit in the box?” Gordon starts looking a little bit agitated “Okay, okay, look Sandy, it’s beer o’clock and I need to get back to Earth for a few lagers. But look, I get schnitzelised. You pass thru a schnitzeliser as a 1.84 metre Meupian and then through the box as an object about the size of a sub atomic particle.” I knew I wouldn’t like the answer but being the idiot that I am I press on “Schnitzeliser?” “Yes” replies Gordon “A schnitzeliser, designed by our university professor T.D. Schnitzel”. Being unable to help myself at this stage, I ask, “So what does T.D. stand for?” “Ten Dollar” Gordon informs “So along with Chips and Salad they invented the schnitzeliser”. I can’t resist anymore “You mean Professor Chips and Professor Salad?” I ask waiting for a canning “Yes” says Gordon “How did you know that? By jove Sandy you are a dark horse.”

The rest of the trip is in silence as Belinda and I with the ever-faithful Zeb, ponder the universe existing in a shoebox in the back of the science lab and a machine that transmits people invented by Ten Dollar Schnitzel with Chips and Salad. Boy, some things about space just never cease to amaze me. Gordon stops and says “Well I’m off, see you when you get back”. He sticks his finger in his mouth and disappears. What the f…?

Dazed, we cross the village green, across the cricket pitch and enter the manor. George comes out to greet us. “Sir, Miss Belinda, you have a visitor”. No sorry, not possible, who could possibly visit us here. “In the sitting room” gestures George. Belinda and I enter the room, “Helvi!” Belinda cries, “Helvi, Helvi, Helvi” she shrieks.

Evidence of Aliens playing at Cricket

Digital Skullduggery by Warrigal

Gordon leads us out of the pub and down a small alleyway. We come to a door. Over the doorway is a sign “FARTS ROOM”. Gordon slides a card through the scanner and we enter. It hits me like a ton of bricks. We are in some sort of control room. We are IN space. The Earth is receding behind us and we are closing in on the moon. Wow, this is for real. My heart is racing and even Belinda, who has been as solid as a rock, is squeezing my hand hard.

“Yes, we are in space, different isn’t it?” says Gordon who has a cheeky grin on his face. “FART, this is Sandy and Belinda. They are off into space shortly so they will be calling on you” Gordon relates. “Afternoon Father, Miss Belinda” “Afternoon” we mutter nervously. “Look Gordon, can we call the FART by name? FART is a quasi-offensive term on Earth” “Certainly” Gordon says “What name would you like?” “I am model Vee.1.1.1 if that helps” interjects FART, “Lets see,” says Belinda “VIII, how about Henry as in Henry VIII?” “Certainly” says FART “Reprogramming, Central Computer Catherine, recognize FART as Henry, confirmed” reports FART. “Dead slow to the moon” Gordon commands. “Yes boss” replies Henry.

“So when you need to see Henry, come down the alleyway. Here’s your cards, these will get you anywhere on the ship”. Gordon hands Belinda and me a credit card each. “If you need to buy anything just use the card. It’s attached to my account.” “So Gordon when I get to these places you want me to go, how do I communicate with whomever I meet, won’t they have their own languages?” I ask. “Well sort of but don’t worry, everyone will speak English” “English? In the universe?” I gasp. “Yes, Sandy, English. I taught them English when I taught them cricket” Gordon replies. “So Gordon, what about your world, your dimension? Are you God? Did you create the universe? Are you a human? Do you speak English on your world?” “Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. Okay, look you’re right, I haven’t told you much about that part have I?” Gordon responds. “Okay, so let’s see. No, I’m not God as you know it. I’m a uni student who with a bunch of my class mates created the universe. The universe is in a black box at the back of the science lab for Astrophysics 101. I’m studying for a degree and my thesis is on Cricket in the Milky Way. Our sun is called Star T, our planet is Meup and I live on an island called Never Stop. Our capital is Running Hot and the major river is named Grown Men Cry. We use vehicles that ride the wind at double speed but believe me I’ll show you places that you’ve never never seen”.

“Hang on a minute, Star T, Meup, Never Stop, Grown Man Cry, isn’t that a Rolling Stones song?” I press annoyed that someone might be having a lend of me. “Well, I ran into Mick, we had a few drinks, back to his house for a jam, told him my story, next thing I know he’s got a number one hit, sheez, you just can’t trust some people.” Gordon bemoans. “Anyway, that’s enough about me, so will you do this trip?” I look to Belinda and I can see that glint in her eyes that tells me that I had better or else. “Yes Gordon” I surrender “We’ll do the trip. So where do we go?” “Good man Sandy, I knew you were up to it. Okay so take this, it’s the equivalent to an intergalactic mobile phone. First destination is Joon. The Bilbobs are playing the Aryans in the one day final. I’ll phone you with the next stop later. Keep and eye on the opener, Zim Away, promising young player, should be a great match, Earth thanks Henry” “Earth, dead slow Boss” says Henry.