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Tag Archives: Bish

Episode 87: In the Manner of An Instauration

14 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Foodge Private Dick, Sandshoe

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

Bish, Gordon O'Donnell (GOD), humour, lunacy, Merv, Nurse Barbara, Nurse Eevonnn

 by Sandshoe

Honest to Gordon, I would have said to Gordon, Gordon let the bish go.

Foodge

Foodge scrubs up well 

Bring in the strongman. That’s a circus expression.

“Let the bloke go,” EEvonnn asked Gordon, “will you please?”.

The bish was standing at the counter. Maybe he was wedged between Gordon and the counter. Gordon had let go and slumped forward on him. Gordon was snoring.

Nurse Eevonnn

Nurse Eevonnn reads law

“Merv’s missing. Foodge’s Uncle. He’s suspect in your demise.” EEvonnn was not put off her job. She launched a conversation with the bish.

“Last thing I saw of Merv,” the bish answered, “was only a glimpse. He was rocking the rocker. He wouldn’t know which was up in the state he was in. Nobody can believe a word he says.”

The bish added, hastily, “I’ve no formal complaints to make, Vonnny.”

EEvonnn winked and grinned. EEvonnn had laid a couple of bets with the bish earlier on her way to work. Eevonnn winner and grinner. She does not know yet the canvas tote bag is missing.

Nurse Barbara clickety-click-clicked into the foyer of the pleece station looking elegantly turned out and wearing very high and very nice white high heel shoes. She had changed for work. An early. Nurse Barbara announced she was lost.

A new lot of people was shepharded into the foyer by more pleece behind them.

“Bish,” Nurse Barbara smiled brightly, jostling with the crowd, “You can help me and I thought you were dead. I’m lost. What’s wrong with him? Does he need something?”

Nurse Barbara motioned one elegant hand at Gordon slumped on the counter top now and asleep, snoring with gusto. She turned to see EEvonnn standing behind the counter.

“Nurse Eevonnn! You’re on the wrong side of the counter. Aren’t you?”

“Barb, I’m a temp. I’m only acting. I’m a desk clerk. What’s wrong.”

“I’m lost.”

“I thought myself the bish was dead. That’s how much I know,” smiled EEvonnn.

Nurse Barbara looked at EEvonnn askance. “I’m lost.” She waved her hand, this time describing ‘don’t know where I am’, palm upturned, an ancient Egyptian-style raised elbow and forearm supporting a raised wrist gesture, a ‘Where am I?’ or can be used for ‘What’s wrong with everybody? Why is food being carried in? The Pharoah was dead last I looked?’

“The NavSAT woman directed me here,” Nurse Barbara explained. “I should not ever listen to her.  I’ve never been to this Pleece Station before. Thank our lucky stars. It’s Foodge.”

Never was everybody crowding into the foyer with pleece persons ever so happy to see Foodge. A cry of exultant would-be ciminals if it was not for Foodge went up in one voice.

“FOODGE!”

Foodge had changed out of his party clothes into a grey-silk work suit and a soft-white silk shirt. He was wearing his college tie. He was carrying in one hand a recently purchsed new fedora. He was carrying a briefcase in his other hand. If a court was convened Foodge was ready for anything. He was worried.

Young Bish

When the bush was young and wore real underpants

Foodge stopped and paled even more than he is pale as it is.  The bish partly wrapped in one of Janet’s curtains she sewed for Merv for the bar had managed to get his feet free when he squirmed out from under the weight of Gordon on his shoulders. Foodge saw the bish shuffling and Gordon loudly snoring on the counter. The bish however stooped. He was about to bestow on Nurse Barbara an adoration for being medical. He attributed Nurse Barbara’s arrival at the pleece station as responsible for his restoration. He kissed her feet. Not a lot of room for even a drunken sailor. Never mind. Enough people huddled together out of alarm at the sight of the bish, the bish was able to lay himself prone on the floor between their feet.

Nurse Barbara makes a statuesque statue, just no sparrows and in a nurse’s uniform and high heels.

Back against the counter face next to Gordon Foodge slid down into the crowd. He hunkered.

“Uncle Merv thinks you’re dead and he killed you,” Foodge said succinctly in the ear of the prone bish, “Bish, I’m mad. You runnin’ that illegal book.”

The bish didn’t move. He was thinking. He remembered the canvas tote bag.

Foodge sighed and lent his head back against the counter top behind him. He was worried for Uncle Merv waiting in hiding, not knowing the bish was alive, Foodge thought he was alive anyway. Hard to tell through the curtain,the bish lying doggo.

Bish 2

… the bish

“Get up, bish. Here you are. Put on your pants. Crouch down. Put these on. Rosie gave these to me to … give to you.” Foodge hesitated. He could not bring himself to say what they were intended for for all he was mad at the bish. Foodge is soft hearted.

Foodge pulled a neatly ironed and folded pair of smart black dress slacks and a plain white poplin shirt out of his briefcase. “They’re not my best, Foodge,” grimaced the bish.

Thongs

things out of a charity box …

The bish was unsteady on his feet pulling on his pants.

Foodge remembered. “OK. So they’re a bit ordinary. What’d you expect. I’ve brought you some thongs too. Couldn’t find your dress shoes. We did our best on short notice. Sorry. Here.”

Nurse Barbara said quietly, “I’m lost.” She left to find her way to work with the NavSAT turned off.

Black Canary

Acknowledgment – A Black Canary Cartoon

 TO BE CONTINUED

 My sincere apologies to all the nurses and those who aren’t and now are if anybody is offended by these representations of ourselves if not ourselves.

Acknowledgement: That’s Clint Eastwood modelling underpants.

Father O’Way – Fax Evasion Exposed

09 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by Mark in Mark

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Bish, Father O'Way, Gordon O'Donnell (GOD)

Gordon's supply

Gordon’s supply of Brandy

“Get the fuck up and get over here” roars the Bish down the end of the phone. “The Inner Cyberian Pleece are coming over to make sure that all of us here at the Church of St Generic Brand aren’t tax evaders”emphatically states the Bish.

“Excuse me Bish but we are now in a Father O’Way story and swearing is not allowed anyway you said Fax Evasion, see that’s easy, just don’t have one” I reply while scratching my nuts then farting, as you do. Hmm, that fingernail needs attention. Now we have done the on wee gag enough for sure however it just seems to fit here beauteously.

“Oops, sorry Sandy, thought we were still in Foodge but you are a pudenda sometimes” laments the Bish “Just seems like everyone is fucking everyone these days and I said tax not fax you ninny”

“Bish, no swearing in my stories please. In Foodge your Emmjay and you can swear all you like there but here you are Bishop Billy Bishop we all call the Bish” I inform but shush, knowing secretly, I mean, keep this to yourself right, don’t tell a soul, on your honour, it’s because he is the BISH(Big Important Sh#t Head).”

“Well, between you and me, just our little secret right” confines the Bish “Rouge can at times look rather attractive and I must admit, even though I’m a Gordonian, and yes I know Gordonians can have girlfriends etc but if she ever dropped the soap as they say then I would try and you know” flippants the Bish.

“But what about Mrs Bish?” I ask in a non forensic way if you know what I mean.

“Am I married in this series?” asks the Bish.

“Actually, now you say that I don’t think Hung married you off in this series although you and a blow up dolly were caught in a compromising situation that you assured us was an accident” I needle without temptation, wasn’t that belted into us somewhere.

“Hey, I know” says the Bish “ why don’t I shoot her with a 12 gauge shot gun?”

“Nah, a bit messy plus everyone doing that theses days, pretty ordinary in my view” I express.

“I know” sparks off the Bish “ Lets ask the author whatever his name is”.

!!Warning: The Church of St Generic Brand wishes to advise that any material written in-between [ ] square brackets are talks between the characters and the author. No responsibility is taken for this bit or something, you know what I mean!!

[Well, it’s Mark here Bish. Seeing that anyone reading this will basically need lots of help, why don’t we have one of those interviewer style thingys. This means I don’t have to say he said then he replied etc., etc., get the picture?

Bish: Sure Mark but am I married in the Father O’Way series?

Mark: NFI mate CRAFT disease, who are you again?

Sandy: Mark, please, no swearing, not in FOW please and by the way, what’s his 45 thing you bring up all the time?

Mark: Well if you say are really old like say 58 when they is born, just sayin like, then you will be 103 when they turn 45, kiddies, that simple.

Sandy: Oh

Bish: But am I married Mark, Rouge is hot?

Mark: Look, it’s like this. If I go back through the archives I’ll cut Mrs Bish out if she exists or technically she may or may not exist in non existence. This is complex fiction Bish, I know of all people hat you will understand it but then again I’m a lair with limited IQ, wat wood eye no.

Bish:Cheers thanks mate.

Sandy: Now Mark I want you to stop all this excessive swearing and sexual references. Surely you don’t want anyone to be interested in your stories do you?

Mark: Yes Sandy, No Sandy, Whatever Sandy can I go now please?

Sandy: Suppose. But look Mark you truly are a DICKHEAD

Mark: Hey Pal, what about the swearing, you just called me a dickhead, hmm.

Sandy: Yes, Decent Intuitive Compassionate Kind-hearted, Helpful, Earnest ,Adaptable, Dependable , um, see ya.]

!The Church of St Generic Brand wishes advise that the story has now returned to normal, well sort of!

Bloody hell, forgot the story now, look I’ll tell this Mark guy anything to keep the story going, okay,  thinks Sandy as he looks to the left to see the next paragraph.

So Gordon and the Bish meet with the tax office officials and then they interviewed me, appeared to be painful process for them, can’t understand why, can you?

Then after the considerable consumption of 2000 year old brandy that Gordon picked up on one of his previous visits, from a place now called France, the tax folk left happy and rather meritorious.

We all stood any waved then goodbye, blew kisses and yelled silly statements like “We must do this again some time…”, how simply ludicrous as only as these stories can be. Fancy wanting to meet regularly with the tax office? Hmm, how very French brandy of us, no thanks.

The Bish heads back to he comfort of the Rectory. Probably for a few smokes, help settle his nerves.

So it’s just me and Gordon. Not very often one gets to stand and talk with the creator of the universe. So my neural pathways are becoming a bit disorganised and I ask “What did you say to the tax office Gordon? They seem pretty sweet”

“Well” says Gordon “you won’t like it but I told them to fuck off and never come back. Once they verified that I own all the money on this planet they were happy as. The brandy was a bonus and by being succinct here I’m keeping the word count down, eco-friendly like.”

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