Tag Archives: Pig Psalm

A Pig Psalm of Dave*

14 Saturday May 2011

Posted by in Pig Psalms, Sandshoe

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An Apologia after the Psalm 141
Oink for Deliverance from the Wicked

 

by Sandshoe.

Dinkum, mate, I have to ask; get a wriggle on; (reprise) it’s as if he’s deaf, believe me.

I’m not just a bad smell; my uplifted hands an evening sacrifice; (reprise) many’s the pink drink I’ve raised pissed iss all lies!

Muzzle me, mate; I’m the fat lady who sings.

You allowed my thoughts incline to pies, yield to any sign; the McDonalds’ even where I thrice once bought an apple pie.

Yeah, over the back fence where I lived in Melbourne, next to Balwyn’s library; (reprise) yeah, that opposite that 24-hour superette.

I pledge I’ll not dine again on Maccas as long as I exercise free will; (reprise) Old McDonald’d be spittin’ chips if he knew what they did to his song.

Strike me pink; that is a given; let them tick me off; o, so pouring oil on a lit wick.

All this I shall not refuse, yet donkeys bray despite their trials.

When the fast foods oleaginous are overthrown, all will hear my brayers and laugh along.

All will cook by the Pigs Arm’s cooks’ book; o, readers, send your recipes in.

As when a bull looks at a butcher, so their choice cuts will be strewn at the mouth of Sheol; (aside) o, typo in the name of Shoe, oops.

You need be on your best, matey, cobber; this pub is my local; please, please don’t eat the daisies; (reprise) please.

I’m not paranoid, but seriously I’m thinking Security.

Let each be hoist on their own petard, while I run all the way home whee whee whee.

*disclaimer: not piglet Dave a.k.a. Astyages, troubadour to the Pig’s Arms.

http://www.thesacredheart.com/psalm/psalm141.htm

Recessional Redux

22 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by in Pig Psalms, Warrigal Mirriyuula

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Pictures by Warrigal Mirriyuula

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Recessional Redux by Warrigal Mirriyuula

Merve of our hotel, known of old—

Lord of the beer which tastes so fine.

Within whose red brick walls he holds

Dominion over spirit and wine,

Publican host, be with us yet,

Same again mate , lest we forget!

The tumult and the shouting dies

The roadcrew and the bands depart

Still stands Merve with broom in hand,

He sweeps and mumbles, lets go a fart.

Publican host, be with us yet,

Same again mate, lest we forget!

Home called, the punters melt away

The doors are locked, the “useful” paid

And all the beer is pissed away

To empty bladders for another day.

Licensing Sergeant, spare us yet,

Same again mate, lest we forget!

If, drunk with too much Trotters, we loose

Wild tongues that have not Merve in awe

Such bruisings as will turn to puce

Our arses, he’ll kick and say no more.

Publican host, be with us yet,

Same again mate, lest we forget!

Poor battered souls that put their trust

In reeking loo and threadbare carpet

Will all be dust that builds on dust,

So “Staffies” for all Granny, there’s a poppet.

For frantic boasts and foolish words,

Are the staples of life for dear old Merve.

A Prayer for the Pigs’ Arms: The Landlord’s Prayer

14 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by in Pig Psalms

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By Astyages

I did promise a little entry in the Pigs’ Psalms competition, didn’t I? This is actually more of a prayer than a psalm, but since a psalm is just a prayer that is sung, and since I suppose this could quite easily be sung, and since in any case I’m more impressed with content than form, I shall, without further ado, get straight to the point, without any beating around the bushes or any further preamble like some long-winded polly or other, here it is:

The Landlord’s Prayer:

Our Landlord, which art in ‘t pub,
Merv be thy name.
Thy License come;
Or thou wilt be done
On earth, as it is
In Holden Hill magistrates’ court.
Give us this day our daily wedgies,
And forgive us our overdue bartabs
As we forgive you for your flat ale
And watered-down whiskey
Lead us not into the temptation of visiting Glenda’s House of Pain,
But deliver us from every evil,
For thine is the Leasehold,
The power and the glory,
Forever and ever,
Amen

By T2

😉

Pig’s Psalm 15 – Blamelessness

30 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

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Our Merv

Who may dwell in your sacred pub ?

Who may sip from your hoppish streams ?

The one who can walk across the car park blameless and untouched

by the Hells Angles or the Lambrettistas

Who speaks no scorn of the Rabbits and follows the Tigers meekly

Whose tongue utters no slander

Nor makeths the quip about Voice’s verandah

Who makes no complaint when the wind blows eyebrows

from the skip next to the Pig’s Legs Waxing and Beauty Salon all over his car

Who accepts hot tips but quietly does not bet on losers

Who carries through and keeps the faith

Who is touched for a loan but who expecteths not the repayment – especially from Foodge.

Who does these things may dwell in the Pig’s Arms

and sitteth on the right hand side of the juke box.

Pig’s Psalm 13 – An Oirish Drink and a Happy Ending

17 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by in Emmjay

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How long might it be oh Merv

That we sit

And wait with patience for the creamy head of your Paddy O’Furniture Stout

To rise from it’s obsidian depths

And we see you adorn it with the shamrock or the lyre ?

We have much about which to be concerned, Oh Merv

But the world in a Pig’s Arms pint canoe admits no strife or trouble

The froth, the bubble

Emergeth double.

And manifest it is to us – we hear the pipes a callin’

From Glen to Greg and maybe also Clyde

The summer’s gone and all the levers for Len

Are broken off –

So score for me a ride.

Chorus

Oh, take my back

And scratch me lightly o’er.

And run those nails –

Barely touching my backside.

The beach grows dark,

And fills the sand with shadows.

It’s time for me

To shut up shop

And come inside.

Psalm 11 – On Arrogance and Indifference

06 Sunday Feb 2011

Posted by in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

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Why is it, our Merv,

That representatives of telcos

(Whose parents have not entered into wedlock)

Stand at great distance from those in their care

And upon us scorn, indifference and arrogance, they heap.

Why dost thou not simply deny them the libation of barley and the essence of pink ?

For they placeth on hold our inquiry, these many seasons

And they handeth us over to some other goose who knows not the difference

betwixt their anus and their elbow

They knoweth not how to solveth our problems of incomprehensible billing

They dwell in the house of some foreign landlord

Indifferent to our suffering.

To them we insist must go yesterday’s wedges

And the shitty seats close to the men’s urinal.

For the telco-wrath of the Pig’s patrons is great

The memories of the public bar are long

And the honeyed  taste of revenge on the telcos is sweet indeed.

Thus spaketh the customer.

Pig’s Psalm 10 – The Last of the Samaritan

03 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

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In the pub I take refuge (and libation)

How then can Merv say unto me

“Jump in your Zephyr and hit the road

Until you payeth off your tab”

For wicked are the car park youths

And afeared I am of going home hungry and thirsty.

For although broke most of the time I am,

In my heart is the optimism of the debtor

That el Dorado is just over the next hill if

Only this trusty steed of the Ford Motor Company

Shall carry me in fourth (or third for hills).

Merv’s generosity is great

And this inconvenience soon he will overcome.

And in the land of refreshing foamy ale and wafting wedges shall I dwell

Now and in the later evening.

A Psalm for Foodge

11 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by in Foodge Private Dick, Lehan Winifred Ramsay, Pig Psalms

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.... for gourd's sake

By Lehan Winifred Ramsay

1 What advantage then hath the Publican? or what profit (is there) of circumcision?

2 Much every way: chiefly, because that until the stirring of the Oracles the drinkers were commited.

3 For what if some should not continue their drinking? shall their women sunder the faith without effect?

4 God forbid: yea, let the Gourd be true, and every man a drinker; as it is written, That though mightest be absolved in thy Tab, and mightest overcome The Stirring when thou art served.

5 But if our unrighteous commend the righteousness of Forsaking the Gourd before it Closeth, what shall we say? And Is She who taketh our man Foodge from the Gourd a vain Gent? (I speak as a man)

Pig’s Psalm 23 – the Cole-ridge Rondo

09 Sunday Jan 2011

Posted by in Lehan Winifred Ramsay, Neville Cole, Pig Psalms

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Watering Hole by Lehan Winifred Ramsay

By Neville Cole

THE PIG’S ARMS IS MY WATERING HOLE

The Pig’s Arms is my watering hole,
I shall not thirst;
Emmjay makes me submit green manuscripts.
Shoe leads me beyond sweet poetry;
Warrigal restores my soul.
Atamou leads me in paths of classical righteousness
for Theseustoo, Gerard and Helvi’s name’s sake.

Yea, though I travel through the valleys
of Nairobi and through space, time and alternate realities,
I fear no submission;
for Nev is with me;
Hung’s wit and Viv’s recipes, they comfort me.

Surely Voice, Big M, Lehan, Astages, Gregor and Julian shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
famous pink drinks and Trotter’s ale forever.