Mitt Neutridge and one of his wives - formerly married to the Joker

The Pig’s Arms political correspondent and serifologist, Anthony Puce has been studying the US presidential pre-elections and the curious Republican dog and pony show. 

Here’s his report.

Much like everyone on ABC News 24 – who seem so hard-up to find 24 hours worth of news to report, many Pig’s Arms patrons have expressed something rather close to complete indifference to the US presidentials – and who can blame them.  No matter what the outcome, it’ll be some redneck semi-“religious” super wealthy dude with a trophy wife and good teeth versus the first black president to inherit a giant hole in the financial universe and an unwinnable war from a previous Republican redneck semi-“religious” super wealthy dude with good teeth and an IQ approximating his shoe size.

This time, American voters (both of them) have a serious challenge in working out which candidate has the stupidest, most ridiculous name.  We have an amphibian and a piece of baseball equipment for starters.  Can you imagine Queen Elizabeth addressing a leader of the western world as Mr Newt or Mister Mitt ?  For Pete’s sake !

The big unknown about the US presidential election is whether six or maybe ten people might bother voting.  So the result is usually a totally random outcome.

So it beggars belief that this crop of clean-shavens spend tens of millions of dollars to embarrass each other and themselves in front of a couple of hundred million TV viewers and the news of the world.  Forget the war in Afghanistan, Kazakhstan, Stanistan, or wherever – Newt Bigrich has six wives and still scored with a political volunteer from Detroit in 1969 !  Woooh-hoo !

Does anybody remember the hooting tootin shootin and bespectacled wonder who had a shot at the Deputy’s job last time ?  The western world would have only been a heartbeat away from being run by a moose-botherer – and since the Republican nominee was about 170 years old, the last heartbeat was a fair bet at the time.

There was a lot of hatred towards the outgoing president last time – for badly mismanaged disasters – including the first global sub-prime loan failure driven meltdown, Hurricane Katrina, most of the west coast and Yellowstone National Park burning to the ground, Iraq, Enron……. the list is endless.  This time we see something approaching despair and disappointment towards the incumbent for failing to engineer the much-needed reform of minor things like universal health care, sustainable education, replacement of infrastructure, environmental degradation – anybody remember a bit of an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico ?) , détente with China, nuclear proliferation and climate change.

Mind you, Obama had a balance of power issue the envy of lesser mortals like our own PM.

Failure to deliver on promises is already a cornerstone of electorability in both parties.  And so too is the wildly rational behaviour of gun-totin white trailer trash with two working teeth, massively obese carcasses, pick-up trucks on perpetual hire purchase and no visible means of support beyond selling moonshine hooch and bathtub speed.  These people clearly fear communist liberty-robbing initiatives like affordable health care and quality education far more than they fear their offspring coming back from Afghanistan in body bags.  And Rupert’s Fox-driven nonsense – like Obama’s middle name being a sure sign that he’s actually a member of Al Qaida plays well with the congenitally hyper-prejudiced so that’s a really good reason for voting for Root Nitridge.  Go figure.

So here’s our prediction:  Obama by a short half head over Mitt Neuteridge, allowing for a new technology stuff-up that will make unreadable chads, chedds, chits or whatever look plausible.