Simulated simulated picture of Ricardo
Taa daa.
I got so fed up with women lying on internet dating websites…. here are some examples…
- curvaceous = clinically obese
- weight ‘would rather not say’ = even fatter than curvaceous
- looks are important = a vacuous, silicon chested gold digging bimbo
- looks ‘very attractive’ = had plastic surgery and botox
- looks ‘I’m hot ‘ = had plastic surgery, botox and a facelift
- don’t mind if you smoke = she smokes likes a chimney
- alcohol consumption defined as ‘moderate’ = raving alcoholic
- job = Doctor/Medical = receptionist in a clinic
…. so I decided to embellish my own profile slightly as follows:-
- Height = 5 ‘ 1″
- Weight = 18 st 12 lbs
- Tattoos= inked all over
- looks – ‘don’t look great’
- Exercise = never
- Heavy smoker
- Heavy drinker
- Favourite hobbies = karaoke especially Mozart
- Income = less than £7,000 p.a.
- Occupation = workman
- Favourite Book = ‘If I can make my personal fortune selling ceiling fans to Eskimos then so can you’ by Antonio Robbins
- Favourite pets = reptiles
Simulated actual photo of Ricardo
Description of myself (if this doesn’t have peroxided strumpets banging on my door the nothing will…)
- An existentialist couch potato who loves to live life in the fast lane.
- I’m so hard up I can’t pay attention.
- My favourite hobby is to go scuba diving so I can stare at tourists through the hulls of glass bottomed boats
- I want to meet a girl who knows that Perrier is not French for ‘Tap’.
- I have slight physical impediment: a limp. I was once sat in traffic and got run over…
- If you think you can keep up with my turbo-charged lifestyle then feel free to get in touch.
To my utter amazement, I have so far had no takers….
Will this qualify me for being the dating guru of the Pig’s Arms??
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 
And spell check.
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Put a note on The Dot. Together with a recipe for Yorkshire pudding 😉
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Nelson the Cat (a British Blue) team mascot of the England Rugby Team woudl like to send you hsi dairy of the intrepid England RFU Team. But he needs soem tips on how to entre a blog.
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Emmjay, you fibber! Either you’re taller than 5’1″ or else I’ve shrunk considerably! The rest is true, however…
I had another go at trying to do something with the 3 blind piglets, but I don’t know how to turn them from movies into still photos… Any suggestions? (Must say they’re pretty funny… ‘We’ even managed to capture the lovely Tutu and the delectable First Mate… but I think we’d have had more photos if we hadn’t been having so much fun!
I’d post them as movies (if this is possible?) but they’re just a bit ‘wobbly’ in parts and seem rather discontinuous and disjointed; it’s impossible to tell how we ever arrived at the ‘Three Blind Piglets’ look and frankly, I can’t remember how we did that anyway…
I am, however, seriously thinking of posting my version of ‘Casey Jones’ as a post-mortem tribute to the Bear (ie. the ‘Grateful Dead’ number, not the theme song to the TV prog that you and I both enjoyed recreating that memorable evening…) But I’m also having problems getting ‘Audacity’ (my recording software) to recognise my headset microphone, although it used to be okay; Gord alone knows what went wrong with it or why it won’t work now… Jeez, I’m such a Lluddite! (Can anyone help?)
🙂
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Well, if you’re brave you can post the movies into the drafts chez pig’s arms.- in the line of icons above the text inbox of dashboard is one for movies. Give it a go and I can edit it later. There is, I think a limit of 1gb per upload. Or you can send me a DVD with the movies on it and I can see what I can do with the movie equivalent of Photoshop Elements.
Can anyone help ? ….. cue our technowizard, Voice 🙂
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I’ll give it a burl, Shirl… I mean, Emmjay! (That’s courage indeed from a self-confessed technophobe and neo-Lluddite!)
It may be a simple matter to upload them as movies; I confess I haven’t tried that yet as I was still thinking in terms of trying to convert them to stills, which may have been less embarrassing for all concerned, as I could then pick the stills that looked the best and no-one would have been any the wiser about our godawful movie-making skills! (And I mean ‘our’!)
But I don’t think any of them is long enough to go over the limit, though it’s too late to do it tonight; I’ll try tomorrow.
If Voice has some advice on my recording problem with Audacity, however, I’d certainly like to hear it… as well as any advice she has on file conversion from mpeg (I think!) to mpg files…
🙂
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All I know about editing movies is that it takes for-bloody-ever.
Asty
Google on: convert mpeg mpg.
Bound to be some free conversion software you can download. I’m more blasé about downloading software than I probably should be. You would want to have AVG or some other virus checking software though.
Google on: Audacity headset microphone.
You won’t be the only person stuffing it up. Assuming the headset itself isn’t stuffed up.
Apart from that:
– plug it in 🙂
– append the google search words with tutorial. Choose a tutorial with a similar hardware set-up. Follow it. 🙂
Basically, I don’t know it.
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Thanks Voice… I should have known to try the magic Googler first! At least you tried…
😉
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Unfortunately for the rest of us, most of these internet fraudsters believe that they are telling the truth about themselves, that they’re hot and curvaceous, outgoing and interesting, living life in the fast lane, and that there’s something really wrong with the opposite sex for not showing the interest.
My question is, should one be ‘cruel to be kind’, to point out these foibles before one’s friends launch into some internet-based liaison, only to have all of these faults revealed in one fell swoop??
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Big M, you could try to tell your friends, but what can you do when all those internetters are sooo much more interesting than the boys and girls next door, they have such interesting lives, they travel, have fast cars, and even castles, boats, they wear Zegna or Dior or nothing at all…
They are absolutely nothing like the motley lot of piglets who break legs and arms, are overweight, grey, have boring hobbies like building veggie garden boxes, go to Bunnings, walk dogs,are grumpy, look corny in PA’s or Kmart’s T-shirts, love sixties songs, have ponytails, backaches,talk about their cats and flowering Camellias….
I think they have stopped doing macrame and pottery, weaving…but some brave souls still knit 🙂
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I don’t have a pony tail, but I do have sore feet.
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Hang on my favourite old trousers are Zegna. Bought from David Jones Whare house at Harbour town. 60% discount OFF the already marked down price..
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I think I’ll stick with the motley collection of piglets…
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Good Gord! A dinkie-di Ozzie who actually (or at least, apparently) understands the difference between ‘fell’ and ‘foul’, and who manages to get the expression ‘one fell swoop’ correct!
Merv! That deserves a pint of Trotters’ ‘Underpants Special Brew’ for my Big mate here! There you go Big M; this round’s on me! (The incorrect use of ‘foul’ in this phrase has been a bugbear of mine for some 29 years or more now… so you’ve no idea how glad I am you got it right! Ermmm… you ARE a dinkie-di Ozzie aren’t you Big M? And not just a blow-in like yours truly?)
😉
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One of my pet hates, like ‘youz’, and, at work, we use a lot of Sodium Chloride (preterm infants need extra sodium as they have enormous renal losses, but, that’s not for here!), which is said to be ‘nackle’, but, I guess, like your good self, I’ve got plenty of pet hates.
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Hung would probably fare the best, he probably doesn’t really need any embellishment. The moniker should do the trick 🙂
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That simulated simulated Ricardo, is not Ricardo, that’s young Gerard, god he is a naughty boy!
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🙂 Looks more Braddish than Ricardooid to me, H !
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This was really reference to the young man ‘I’ was spotted with having a glass of wine at Nelson Bay, I told Viv it was really Gez in disguise of Brad…
I actually saw a movie where Brad wasn’t too bad, he had that blond hair, he was a gym instructor…Malkovits (?) was in it as well but I can’t remember the title of it…
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Helvi, if you’ve seen that awful movie, “Troy”, in which Mr Pitt plays ‘Achilles’, there’s one scene (a battle scene; the – totally inaccurate – one where the Myrmidons leave all the other Greeks behind and take the beach of Troy on their own…) in which you can see that Mr Pitt has been taking pouting lessons from none other than our favorite ex-prime monster, Mr Howard… Check it out; you’ll see what I mean!
🙂
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Very good ………. but……… what are you doing checking out internet dating ??? Just a different kind of blog to have a gander at I suppose.
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Yes, Ricardo. Happily awaiting your response to Viv 🙂
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Yes boss. You are more than qualified. 🙂
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Not me, our Hung, Ricardo ! I’m just an umble poster boy.
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Yes, Emmjay, you’re quite the poster boy!
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How is the scuba diving in England, Ricardo?
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Bloody cold!
😉
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That simulated actual photo. Just off to have my hair peroxided. Much to our disappointment, however, the position of guru is already occupied by Aunt Mary. What a shame.
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Emms, I’m sending you the whole harvest of dates from my Egyptian farms.
You’ve won me. That knife looks just the thing to show who’s boss around the happy lovers’ hearth.
And I love the Mozart reference!
Now back to the stuffed peppers and zucchini and tomoatoes… A whole herd is descending upon us for lunch!
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