Simulated simulated picture of Ricardo
Taa daa.
I got so fed up with women lying on internet dating websites…. here are some examples…
- curvaceous = clinically obese
- weight ‘would rather not say’ = even fatter than curvaceous
- looks are important = a vacuous, silicon chested gold digging bimbo
- looks ‘very attractive’ = had plastic surgery and botox
- looks ‘I’m hot ‘ = had plastic surgery, botox and a facelift
- don’t mind if you smoke = she smokes likes a chimney
- alcohol consumption defined as ‘moderate’ = raving alcoholic
- job = Doctor/Medical = receptionist in a clinic
…. so I decided to embellish my own profile slightly as follows:-
- Height = 5 ‘ 1″
- Weight = 18 st 12 lbs
- Tattoos= inked all over
- looks – ‘don’t look great’
- Exercise = never
- Heavy smoker
- Heavy drinker
- Favourite hobbies = karaoke especially Mozart
- Income = less than £7,000 p.a.
- Occupation = workman
- Favourite Book = ‘If I can make my personal fortune selling ceiling fans to Eskimos then so can you’ by Antonio Robbins
- Favourite pets = reptiles
Simulated actual photo of Ricardo
Description of myself (if this doesn’t have peroxided strumpets banging on my door the nothing will…)
- An existentialist couch potato who loves to live life in the fast lane.
- I’m so hard up I can’t pay attention.
- My favourite hobby is to go scuba diving so I can stare at tourists through the hulls of glass bottomed boats
- I want to meet a girl who knows that Perrier is not French for ‘Tap’.
- I have slight physical impediment: a limp. I was once sat in traffic and got run over…
- If you think you can keep up with my turbo-charged lifestyle then feel free to get in touch.
To my utter amazement, I have so far had no takers….
Will this qualify me for being the dating guru of the Pig’s Arms??
