Story and Pictures by Neville Cole

Chimp George was fit to be tied. If there was someone around to throw shit at he’d already have his hand full and be ready to start tossing. He definitely was in no mood to talk to Wally Baboon; but after six calls in the last thirty minutes he knew that if he didn’t answer soon the torture would go on all day.

“What do you want, Wally?” George snarled, baring his teeth.

“George, you old bastard!” Wally hollered happily. “Why didn’t you answer your phone? I’ve been calling all morning?

“I know. That’s why I didn’t answer.

“Ha! That’s what I just told Wang. I was going to have him to call you next.”

“What do you want, Wally?”

“We want you to get that hairy ass of yours out of that damn house and come join us for breakfast. We’re down at The Pancake Shack right now. It’s a beautiful day. The sun is warm and the mimosas are flowing.”

“It’s two o’clock in the afternoon. I had breakfast hours ago.”

“So come and join us for a drink,” Wally laughed. “Wang and I miss you, buddy.”

“Some other time, Wally. I can’t today.” George slumped back on his tire swing and stared out the window. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

“I’m telling you this as a friend,” Wally said with all the charm he could muster. “You can’t go on like this. You have to shake things up and get out of the house. Just come down for an hour. You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to say a word. Besides, Wang and I have something big to tell you. Something that will make you forget all your troubles.”

Wally didn’t know much, but he did know when it was time to talk and when it was time to sit back and let his words fester. He knew with absolute certainty that Chimp George would eventually bend to his will.

“I’ll be down in ten minutes,” George said with utter resignation.

“That’s the Georgie we know and love,” Wally chirped. “See you in a few, buddy!”

Panda Wang stared at his pancake with Zen-like concentration. Gently he raised a corner with his paw and flipped the flapjack with remarkable precision. “The reverse side also has a reverse side,” he noted quietly to no one in particular. Wally leaned back dangerously on his rickety chair and idly sipped his mimosa.

“When George gets here, you let me do the talking. Ok, Wang? He’s hasn’t been feeling himself lately so we are going to have to ease him into this thing.”

“What thing is that, Wally?” Wang asked without breaking from his pancake mediation.

“The TV show thing, Wang.” Wally said rocking forward on his chair. “The thing we’ve been discussing all morning. The reason this guy is here with us.”

Wally turned to the nappy-headed koala quietly dozing next to an empty cup of gum-leaf tea.

“Yo, Waz! Wake up! It’s go time.”

Waz slowly uncurled, unzipped his backpack and retrieved a beat-up DV cam and small sprig of gum leaves from its depths. He munched on a juicy looking leaf and fiddled with the settings on his camera for a minute or two. Then he placed the camera carefully out on the table in front of him, lifted up his blood-shot eyes and gave a weary thumbs up.

“Is that it?” Wally asked. “This is your equipment?”

“Reality TV, mate” Waz mumbled. “What else do I need?”

“You’re the pro, I guess; but listen, whatever happens here today you keep your mouth shut and let that camera roll, got it?”

“That’s what I do,” Waz smiled. “It’s what I live for.”

“And go easy on the leaves, will you?” Wally frowned. “We need you to stay alert.”

“Hey, mate.” Waz replied through a mouth full of eucalyptus, “I need these leaves, ok? You don’t want to see me without my leaves.” With that the koala slipped down from his chair and wandered off to grab a few establishing shots. “Don’t panic, man. Chill… I’ll get you the goods.”

Well, if it isn’t the great Wally Baboon,” a gravely voiced woman announced as she stepped out of The Pancake Shack; “A legend in his own and no one else’s mind.”

“Hello, Norma,” Wally replied without missing a beat. “I don’t think you’ve met my good friend Panda Wang, have you? You’ve probably heard of him: the fresh new face adorning every Panda Café across the nation.”

“Yes, of course. Congratulations Mr. Wang. I’m Norma Greenback, Agent to the Animal Stars. Such a delight to finally meet you.”

“Agent to the Animal Stars?” Wally repeated. “Is that what you call yourself now? You don’t represent me, or Wang, or Chimp George. What kind of “animal stars” do you have on the book? Wait, let me guess, you are too busy to get any new clients because you are spending every waking moment desperately trying to figure out how to win me back.”

“You! I wouldn’t represent you again if Todd Phillips was floating the idea of signing you up for Hangover 3! And you know and I know that Chimp George best days are behind him. Way behind him. You think anyone is ever going to hire him again after that awful incident in Japan? Come on, now, Wally. You may be a bastard but I’ve always taken you for a smart bastard at least.”

Norma Greenback grinned like Cruella deVille skinning a puppy, then turned politely back to Panda Wang.

“Now, Mr. Wang you must think I’m a simply awful person; but, please take into account that Wally and I go way back. Way, way back. We have a long…history. It wasn’t always this bad, you know; even Wally will admit his best years were with me. I know this town, Mr. Wang. I can get things done. Norma Goldberg can make things happen. The face of Panda Café is a nice gig, to be sure; but if you ever want to get yourself a really meaty role and make yourself some real dough… Well, you just give me a call. Here’s my card. Have a nice day, Mr. Wang I hope to see you soon. And Wally…well, I hope to hear very soon that you have driven yourself off a cliff.

“Sorry to ruin your day Norma,” Wally said, slurping loudly on yet another mimosa. “But we won’t be calling. Not me, not Wang and not George either…and you want to know the real kick in the pants about all that? We have, all three of us, just signed to be in a TV show together. In fact, we’re already shooting the pilot.”

Norma’s grin slipped to a curious snarl. “TV show? What TV show? I haven’t heard about any new animal shows.”

“It was designed especially for the three of us. I pitched it myself and got the green light.”

“Oh, I get it…you’re not talking about a real show.” Norma leaned in conspiratorially. “You’re talking about a reality show, aren’t you? This what you brag about these days, Wally? Talk about an all time low. Ha! You just made my day. Who could resist a show about a washed-up chimp, an idiot panda, and an obnoxious baboon sitting around scratching themselves and tossing their poo around? Yeah, I’m sure that will be a huge hit. Say good bye to what’s left of your career, Wally. I wish I could say it’s been nice knowing you; but it hasn’t.”

With that Norma Greenback strutted off directly into the full glare of the sun causing Wally and Wang to squint and look away.

“Wow, man,” Waz smiled slyly. That was great stuff! This show is going to totally rock.”

“That’s not going in the show,” Wally snapped.

“Why not? It was awesome. She totally nailed you.”

“Well, for one thing, you didn’t get a release.” Wally replied squirming in his seat like a restless child.

“No worries, mate. We got her card, right? I’ll get her to sign later, no probs. So when does this George fella get here? I don’t want to miss a moment of that. Are you going to hit him up right away or is this going to be a long slow build? If you ask me I say go for the long, slow build. More drama.”

“Let me handle this. When he gets here just keep your mouth’s shut.” Wally stared directly into each set of beady dark eyes around the table one pair at a time. “You understand? We can’t afford to blow this. Without Chimp George we have no show. The people at the network were very clear about that. No George, no show. That’s the deal. But,” Wally paused for a moment and looked off into the distance, “Just leave this all to me and I’ll get it done. Right, so be cool, George is here.”

Wally jumped to his feet and rushed forward to greet his friend. “George, buddy! So good to see you, man. You know something? You look good. You do! You’ve lost weight. Suits you. I must have found all that weight you lost, eh? Look at this stomach. When’s the baby due, right? Am I right?” George kept walking through Wally’s whole monologue without so much as a glace in his direction and George plopped down in an empty chair so firmly that his Ray Bans slipped down over the bridge of his nose.

“Where are the mimosas?” George asked, readjusting his shades.

“We were just about to order another bottle, George” Wally answered eagerly. “You hungry? You want a menu too? Let me get a menu for you. Waitress, can we get another round of mimosas and a menu over here?”

George looked at Waz quizzically. “Who’s the koala with the camera?”

“He’s an old friend of mine.” Wally replied casually.  “Just got in from Australia. He sure loves that camera, man. Shooting all the time. Documenting his whole vacation, he is. Isn’t that right, Waz?”

“Can’t talk now, mate! I’m shooting.” Waz backed up slowly to frame up a wider shot. “Just ignore me. Act like I’m not even here.”

George looked at Panda Wang. For a normally carefree Zen master he looked dangerously nervous.

“Hey Wang. How’s it hanging?” George said with a nary a hint of a smile.

Wang gulped loudly then suddenly stuttered “W-W-Wally says not to talk about the TV show.”

“TV show? What TV show.”

“Wang,” Wally interrupted. “How many times have I had to tell you enough with the stupid TV show already? All day he’s been going on about them making a TV version of Kung Fu Panda. They don’t hire animal actors for cartoons, Wang. Accept it and move on, will ya? George has got real problems he’s dealing with…he threw a pile of shit at the Prime Minister of Japan. He caused an international incident.”

“Thanks for reminding me, Wally.” George muttered. I very nearly forgot about that.”

“You can’t hide from it, George. Charlie Sheen always says it’s better to face this stuff head on. If anyone asks you about Japan, here’s what you say. Tell ‘em “What do you want from me? I’m a simian. Every now and then we toss shit around. Deal with it?”

“Thanks for the advice,” George muttered as a fresh bucket of champagne arrived at the table. “Is this the big thing you wanted to tell me about that was going to make me forget my troubles.”

“No, no…” Wally shook his head. “We’ll can get to that later. The main thing is we want to make sure you’re ok. We’re here for you, buddy, you know that, don’t you? You can’t hold all this shit inside. You got to let it out. Talk to us. You can tell us anything. What’s going on? What are you thinking?”

“What am I thinking?” George paused. “I’ll tell you what I’m thinking. I’m thinking I am out. I’m thinking what do I need this grief for? I got enough to be comfortable. I had a good run. I’m thinking I’m going to quit the business for good.”

“Quit the business?” Wally exclaimed. “Why would you do that? After all the shit you’ve gone through. After all you’ve accomplished? After all those rotten gigs? You, my friend, are in the perfect position. You can hand pick any project you want to do. You can turn down any gig you want. You don’t need Japan. Hey, go ahead, refuse to do interviews. Turn down a blockbuster if you want. But quit completely? You don’t want to do that?

“What about the TV show?” Wang whimpered.

“Wang!” Wally snapped. “Forget the damn Kung Fu Panda, will you? George here is facing a critical life decision. We need support him in this. We need to let him know we will always be there for him. We need to finish these drinks and go for a surf!”

“Surf? The last thing I feel like doing is surfing.”

“Maybe that’s what your head is thinking; but you heart is saying someone completely different.”

“And how do you know what my heart is saying, Wally?”

“You could have worn anything here today,” Wally smiled. “But look what you decided to put on? You’re favorite billabongs. You want to ride the waves. Go on, admit it. You know you want to…”

“Of fine, we’ll go surfing but first tell me this big thing you dragged me down here to listen to.”

“No,” Wally said leaping to his feet with unbound exuberance. “First we surf! Then we talk!”

“But we still have a half full bottle of champagne.” George said between sips.

“No problem,” I’ll take it with us. No body is gonna mess with us. They’ll all be too worried you might throw shit at them.

George hated to admit it, but Wally was right about surfing. Getting out in the water was exactly what he needed. The waves weren’t great but it was peaceful out beyond the break and except for the fact that Wally was picking fights with every pimply-faced kid that dropped in on him, or paddled though the line up, or ignored his right of way.

“These damn kids today have no sense of etiquette,” Wally cleared his nose for emphasis,” and what’s worse… when the do break the rules they absolutely refuse to admit it.”

“You want me to toss the shit, Wally? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Ah ha…there you go. Now you’re making fun of it too. You are halfway to healing.”

“That koala friend of your sure does love shoot video, doesn’t he? He’s been out here in the water with an underwater rig for the last forty-five minutes.

“You know those Aussies.” Wally smiled. “They just love the water.”

The sea air and the churn of the surf continued to relax George but he did notice the Wang was still wound up like a ticking time bomb.

“What’s the deal with Wang, Wally? I’ve never seen him so worked up.

“Listen, buddy.” Wally said reaching out to George once more. What do you say we catch one more wave and head up to the house? I think it’s time to let you in on the big news.”

Wang had been staring intently out to sea for fifteen minutes when he simply turned and announced: “Only when the wave reaches the shallow water does it find its true form.” Then he dug in his giant paws and began to paddle to shore, catching a nice wave and riding in his slow motion tai-chi style all the way to shore.

Wally had begun to paddle for Wang’s wave too, but he dropped off and picked up the wave right behind it. Wally rode goofy and turned and cut relentlessly up and down the face of the wave hooting and hollering wildly, and even managing a hand stand along the way.

Wang and Wally both caught nice waves but they saved the biggest of the day for George. George felt the swell lift him up before he was ready and except for a few last mighty paddles he would have missed out on the ride completely. Still, as soon as he leapt to his feet and pushed the nose down the face of the wave, he rapidly picked up speed. Behind him the wash bubbled at his heels. Over his head he could see the water starting to curl. Then suddenly he was right inside the swell and the only thing he could clearly see was a small circle of light the end of the tunnel of water. George leaned a shoulder into the tube and aimed his board to the light. When the big wave finally crashed behind him, George was literally shot from the tube like a bullet from the blue.

On the beach, Wang and Wally gave each other a high five and Wally did a half dozen back flips across the sand.

“Thing is George, you’re taking this whole deal all wrong,” Wally said between sips of piña colada later in the hot tub. “This shit throwing in Japan is actually one of the smartest things you’ve ever done. I sure as hell wish I’d thought of it.”

“How do you figure that, Wally?” George asked already reaching for a refill.

“Have you seen how many hits that video got on you tube?”

“They call you shit monkey, you know,” Wang added.

“Thanks for that, Wang.” George frowned.

“Shut up, Wang, “Wally snapped. “I am being totally serious, here. I’m surprised your agent hasn’t mentioned this to you.”

“I fired my agent right before I went on the trip,” George said sadly. “Right after Crystal dumped me. He is her agent too and I couldn’t stand the thought of going into that office and seeing her pictures up on the wall.”

“That Crystal, she’s big time now,” Wang added while stirring his Singapore Sling with a fingernail.

“Damnit Wang!” Wally screamed. “You are not helping here.”

“It’s alright, Wally. It’s not Wang’s fault. It’s all my fault. I never should have got on that plane. I certainly shouldn’t have drunk all that sake….and I am now pretty sure that eating sushi on the 747 is not a good idea, even in first class. I fucked up, man and now, forever more I will be known as shit monkey.”

“Don’t you see, George?” Wally leaned forward so far his multi-colored buttocks poked out of the hot tub. “You have the biggest viral hit on the internet. You can take advantage of that. You can write your own ticket. You can let this wave drown you, or you can ride it, man! And wouldn’t you rather ride it?”

“What are you talking about, Wally.” George said suspiciously.

“I’ve got us a TV show. All of us.” Wally announced with a grin quite literally from ear to ear.

“What kind of a TV show, Wally?” George put down his drink very slowly.

“Waz is shooting it right now,” Wally laughed. “It’s a reality show about the three of us. Three famous animal actors living together in the North Shore.

“One of them, much more famous than the other two.” George added. “One of them famous for…throwing shit at the Prime Minister of Japan.

“After an episode or two no one will ever remember that old thing.” Wally replied.

“I think you two should leave now…and take your cameraman with you,” George stepped out of the pool and stomped his way to the house.

“George, wait!” Wally leapt from the tub grabbing for George’s arm. “We’re only trying to help.”

“Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape,” George snarled throwing Wally to the ground. “This whole day was a set up! How are you, buddy? We just want to help. We care about you, pal…and all you ever wanted to do was get me to agree to humiliate myself more! All you wanted to do was get yourselves a gig.. You just want to take advantage of my infamy! You don’t give a damn about me. You don’t want to know my troubles. You aren’t trying to help. Tell me, Wally. Will this reality show make me feel better about myself? Will it erase what I’ve done? Will it help me get Crystal back?  Well, will it?”

Wally stared up at George like a scolded child. “It might,” he concluded quietly.

George swung slowly on his tire deep into the night. He watched the other silently from the window. Shortly after George went inside, Wally passed out ass up to the moon on a banana lounger and Wang retired to the bamboo patch to sorrowfully chew shoots and leaves. With nothing left to shoot the koala made his way to the tippy top of the big old gum tree at the edge of the lawn.

The more George pondered his situation the more some things became clear. He knew beyond a doubt Wally Baboon was a manipulative, insensitive, selfish buffoon. He was also pretty certain that deep down both Wally and Wang were the best friend he had and most of all he realized that, all things considered, especially compared to where it had started…it had been a pretty good day.