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Simulated Emm-tel Call Centre
The other day I made the mistake of trying to work from my home office. The phone rang. It wasn’t my mobile. It was that piece of Bakelite artistry up the end with the Neolithic dust and the desiccated cockroach carapaces.
I answered it. Pause.
“Hello – can I speak with the home owner”
“She’s out”
“Who am I speaking with ?”
“Who’s asking?”
“My name is Darren”
“Hello Darren – who are you with ?”
“I’m calling about your mobile plan”
“Why are you calling me on the landline?”
“Is this your mobile number xxx-xxx-xxxx?”
“Might be – what interest is it of yours?”
“I’m calling to offer you a better plan?”
“Why don’t you just give me the better plan?”
“…. something garbled…….. Telstra…….”
“Where are you calling from, Darren ?”
“ I am calling from the Telstra call centre”
“Where?”
“The (somewhere in India) Telstra Call Centre”
“I thought so”
“I am able to offer you an improved plan for your mobile”
“I sincerely doubt that, Darren”
“Do you want to hear about the plan ?”
“No, I was trying to earn a quid to pay my phone bill”
“OK, thank you for your time”
“No, the pleasure was all mine”
It seems that two of the most frustrating timewasters in modern life are accepting rubbish marketing calls – and the other side of the coin – complaining to Telcos when something goes awry.
But I chanced to let the two pains in the arse stew awhile together and in the manner of the old aphorism that if it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger – or that a tiny amount of some poisons are actually useful, and I think I have come up with one of the great inventions of the 21st century.
I plan to set up my own call centre in some place that’s cheaper than India, – let’s say Chad- but which costs a shitload of money to call from anywhere, but especially from India – maybe even Tierra del Fuego) – and I rent a slice of it out to you. Well, I rent out a very special service that I can offer you for a very reasonable price.
Here’s how it works:
When a call centre calls your phone, the service switches the call to my call centre where it is answered on your behalf.
“Hello, this is Gez and Helvi’s service, how may you help us?”
“Is this Hung One On’s mobile number XXX XXX XXXX?”
“No, this is Gez and Helvi’s service, how may you help us?”
“Can I speak with Warrigal?”
“No, he’s busy at present”
“When will he be available?”
“Who, Hung ?”
“No, Gez or Helvi”
“I thought you wanted to speak with Warrigal”
“You said that Warrigal is unavailable”
“I could find out if Neville Cole is available”
“Is this his number?”
“No, perhaps you would like to speak with Voice or Vivienne”
“Are they there?”
“No, this is Gez and Helvi’s service – how may you help us ? – I might be able to put Big M or Jayell on”
Of course we would get a cut from TeleChad or TeledelFuego – and we would pay you a dividend for every call that went over half an hour.
But it gets better.
Suppose you need to complain to Telstra about your ADSL line dropping out. Only a mad person would want to call Telstra directly – otherwise you get to spend an eternity in hand-offs amongst every call centre in the western and eastern worlds. And I for one love the good people of the Philippines, but their telephones, well, ………
So here’s how my outgoing call service helps you.
You write your complaint on a crisp $10 note and send it to Emm-tel, briefly detailing your issue / problem / complaint.
We ignore the words and bank the $10. Then our Chad operator calls up Telstra and complains that your service is not working and that you want it terminated immediately. We say words like Telecommunications Ombudsman.
We demand a full refund of all monies you have paid for the service and say that we will be phoning Ellen Jones – using our neighbour Sandshoe’s phone.
They offer a full refund and a superior plan. We say that we will consider their offer after we have had a chat with Optus. They offer an even better improved plan. We say that we will consider it.
They say that you can have x amounts of free stuff. We say we will get back to them.
We call Sandshoe and she asks you whether the deal is a goer or not.
It’s your call.
Nobody recontacts the Emm-tel Chad.
They go ahead anyway.
Note, we suggest (but not strongly) that you only use this service if you have a genuine complaint – otherwise that wouldn’t be ethical, would it ?
Stay tuned we plan to offer a premium service where we call Microsoft for you.
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 
MIKE J: Well hello tiger!
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Hi Venise.
Welcome to the Pig’s Arms. Merv – a large pink drink for this gal. Cheers !
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Er…Um…’ere you go, Love, welcome to me, an’ Granny’s ‘otel. Juss look out fer Foodge ‘an ‘is gormless mate, O’Hoo. Lechers, the pairovem!
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Wonder if your new service does anything about ISPs, Emmjay… I was offline all day yesterday ’cause so was Dodo…
Gord alone knows how businesses were affected, or how this affected the economy of the nation; and probably he’s the only one who cares too… Dodo certainly don’t! I noticed that after I’d had occasion to use it several times a few months ago, their ‘contact someone to speak to immediately’ button (which took you to a dialogue box where you had to leave a message and then wait for up to several days or maybe even a week for someone to phone you about your complaint!) suddenly disappeared so they could no longer be troubled with complaints calls! Problem solvered!
And do you think you could maybe organise a rebate for such ‘offline’ time?
And while I’m at it, can you do something about banks and even credit unions charging fees to NOT give you money? I mean, of course, the $3 ‘withdrawal declined fees’ they charge when you suddenly find you’ve run out of money you thought you had in your account but now haven’t ’cause some other R-sole (or dozens of ’em!) has managed to get their grubby paws on your account before you do! How can they get away with charging you for NOT giving you a service? Legalised theft, I call it!
😐
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Part two of bank bastardry. We bank with the one with the most ATMs. But it would be better to bank with the one with the most working ATMs because when you hit a dud or an empty one, you get to pay $2 to use one of the competitor’s machines. If that ain’t outright theft, I dunno what is.
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When you consider that the reason we have ATMs in the first place, Emmjay, is so the banks could kick their customers out onto the pavement where they are no longer covered by the banks’ insurance companies, in spite of the significantly increased risk of being robbed, specifically so the banks can save money on insurance premiums, not to mention staff wages, the whole idea of ANY charge whatsoever for these ‘conveniences’ is, not to put too fine a point on it, DAYLIGHT ROBBERY!
But to then find oneself being charged a $3.00 fee for NOT being given any money is absolutely ludicrous! We need to start an Australia-wide ‘get rid of ATM fees’ campaign!
😐
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Oh lordy, bank$, don’t start me on bank$$. Nurse, the screens.
And Emmjay, once you’ve got all this ISP, telco and bank$$$ stuff under your belt and find yourself scanning around for a real challenge, I’ve got this courier company that can’t seem to find a way of transporting a 5kg cardboard box a trifling (not to say nugatory) 64km to my gaff in less than 10 (no, make that 11, no 12, sorry 14…) days. You can have my first born, if and when it arrives (there’s this courier company that promises to del… oh, wait).
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I laughed and laughed at this one, frac. I love a joke that goes around in a circle and ends up looking at the back of its own head. Thanks 🙂
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Now, I hate Americans, but, I got some stuff (touches side of nose with grease stained finger) from there ‘an they got some package tracker so youz can see when it gets on an’ orff planes an’ stuff, an’ it only took five days.
Yet, we can’t get a parcel sent across Sidney!
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The Murdoch minions are out in force at the moment trying to pump up News Ltd’s subscription business. I had a delightful young Indian chap call, in person at our front door, the other afternoon trying to sell me FOXTEL. On the same day Sche was accosted in our cul de sac by a “large, brassy woman” trying to get Sche to subscribe to The Australian. Apparently, to Sche’s great amusement, she described The Australian as “the thinking woman’s newspaper”. Sche gave her some hair tips and an earful abut the toxic effect of reading the Australian. She actually wanted to argue the odds, tried to swing Sche round. I could have told her that’s a losing end.
For my part I told the young man that Murdoch was anathema, one of the old lords of capital, and his failing business model wasn’t going to be helped any by doorknocking new business, particularly at our address. He seemed surprised at my vehemence so I explained that the idea of giving any more money to Murdoch was only prolonging the agony for everybody concerned. I asked him to remember the vile old golem sitting in that parliamentary inquiry lying through his teeth about his involvement in and knowledge of the hacking, his long standing AGW denialism and the fact that he employs the likes of that racist ignoramus Bolt et al. I then gave him a brief Australian history lesson, reminding him of a couple of spooks called Shackley and Stallings from the CIA, who passed shady information to the Murdoch press in a highly orchestrated attempt to bring down the Whitlam government. An attempt that was ultimately successful.
He looked at me like I was some kind of mad conspiracy theorist so I wrote down the Google search parameters for him and sent him off. All in all it was a very pleasant encounter. If he’d been selling anything other than FOXTEL I’d probably have signed up. I wonder though whether he bought my story. You can make up your own minds.
Start here; http://newdawnmagazine.com.au/articles/20%20Years%20of%20Cover-Up2.html
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http://www.serendipity.li/cia/cia_oz/cia_oz3.htm
This one’s interesting too.
Further research, well hardly research, you just follow the links, reveals that Shackley was a point man on Nixon’s Watergate team. He was a busy little beaver for good old Uncle Sam.
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I saved that to favourites. it was too long to read, in the time I have, right now.
But I just wanted to pen this:
It seems to me that not subscribing to one of the two paytv cahnnels, is a bit like cutting of your nose to spite your face.
Foxtel, is a joint Telstra Fox venture. Agreed.
But you could subscribe to Austar; which I do. It’s the same thing, however the newscorp share is very watered down, with Packer having a %, together with Liberty Global.
There is some marvellous stuff on there, as well as trash. I am assuming that, like me, you would avoid the trash. having said that, ‘one man’s meat, is another man’s poison’.
There are scientific & nature programmes, geographical, historical and criminology programmes.not to mention gorgeous old black & white films, plus the dreary never-ending, obligatory 24 hr sport..
UKTV has English contemporary shows and re-runs of Dad’s Army, Last of the Summer wine, ect ect.
It comes with a recording option , which is great if’n you want to watch reruns of Australian political comedy; like Q & A , or whatever 🙂
I record some of the programmes that are on after 11pm. Then they are there if’n I want them.
I ‘will’ say this though, ‘we refused to but South African apples & fruit, till they ended apartheid.
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Sorry Jules but TV, for me at least, is part of the problem. As Chomsky said, it is an agency of compliance and a major player in the marketing of the prevailing power elite paradigm. It is part of the manufacturing of consent to all that is supposedly done in our name.
There’s very little TV that can’t be bested by a good book, conversation, catching up on those little projects, almost anything before TV.
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Reading an interesting book called “Hamlet’s Blackberry” by William Powers – exploring the nature of the problem of too much connectedness – and what to do about it. First hundred pages were bleeding obvious – but then came the potted historical material – from Plato to McLuhan. I just finished my Seneca. Interesting – definitely.
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I’m with you Warrigal. I rarely watch TV now but I seem to be stuck in three phases, at work, recovering from work or being a pain in the arse at The Pigs Arms
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You’ve got to be careful Hung. This blogging bullshit can become a compulsive and time consuming addiction, (I use the word literally), and before you know it your life revolves around the computer, waiting for responses that don’t come. misinterpreting the meaning of other’s posts and all the attendant frustrations and anger that leads to.
I’ve read papers that liken blogging addiction to gambling addiction and see it as just as serious.
I deal with this by only blogging while I’m actually involved in other work at the computer. That way I have to justify to myself taking the time to blog as opposed to continuing on other productive work. Seems to work for me, yet I still feel I spend too much time just arsing about on the net.
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I usually only blog when my racing account is empty. Do you think I have a problem?
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I can empathise, Sister Hung, the pain in the arse phase is becoming more protracted, for me.
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I currently do 5 shifts a fortnight but I am about to go to 7. Given I need one day of nothingness to recover it adds 3 days where nothing much happens as my shifts are spilt over the 14 day roster.
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I do 12 and a half hour shifts so only work 14 shifts/month, but half are nights. I used to sleep well during the day, but now am lucky to get 5 to 6 hours. Naturally we can’t sleep at work!
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I get between 4 to 6 and the most I work is 3 in a row, 8 hrs paid and another half to 1 hr unpaid. I like it and get paid well, it’s hard work but honest work. The disappointing thing is sleep becomes the focus.
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Dear Hung. Sleep is a blessing. Enjoy it while you have it. I am totally shat off with habitually waking up at 2:00 and struggling for hours to get back to sleep. I get my bulk reading done then, usually. Not very impressive having a 2:00pm snooze in the middle of a client meeting to compensate, believe me.
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The positive out of it all Mike is that work is very busy and don’t get much of a chance to feel tired. 3am to 4am is about the hardest point
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Yeah, Big. I imagine all that bloody baby crying and shielas hollering stuff might keep a bloke awake.
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Emmjay, I know a number of good ways to get back to sleep at 2:00 am. On the downside they require the ability to make some noise without disturbing anyone and even more disappointing are modest and respectable. For example, have you tried playing tapes of client meetings?
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AHA ! Brill, voix. Using the symptom to treat the disease. You could be the Hippocrates of our times. Do you have any oaths to share with us too ?
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Last night it was stinking babies trying to die, but we wouldn’t let them!
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So…. Are you working for the babies, the parents or the state, here, Big ? I wonder whether by your saving grace, you have taught the babies their first lesson in life…… Rolling Stones – style – “You can’t always get what you want”…..
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I’m with you all the way, Big. One of mine tried to commit suicide when he was only a few days old. A week or two later he came home and acted as if nothing had happened. The ratbag.
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Nah, they can’t always get what they want!
Attempted suicide at a few days of age, Voice, I hope you smacked some smarts into the kid!!
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I’ve never heard of anyone touting any Murdoch snake oil doing door-knocking, more’s the pity, but then we live in a village on the flar-fung nether bits of Shitney where electricity often can’t be bothered putting in the effort to get here. I wonder if door-knocking is a sign that the Murdoch empire is feeling the pinch.
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He’s probably desperate. And knee deep in your town.
Not really. he probably earns $1 ziillion an hour 😉
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We get regular people visits from Fairfax, the gas / electricity companies and Optus. And a dude scamming money for local ice-hockey teenagers to get to the world chaps in some obscure location. These poor kids have been trying to get there for years. I give him a small amount of money each time just for the entertainment value of his story de jour.
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Previously, I’d been in a position to deal with newspaper reporters. I’d usually say something like. “Which paper? Oh, that scurrilous rag, we use that for mulch in the garden!” It didn’t get rid of them, just pissed them orff.
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I have been reading a wonderful book by Howard Jacobson, it’s called ‘Whatever It Is, I Don’t Like It’. I is a selection of his Independent columns.
In ‘Friendly Banking’ a bank-clerk asks Howard what’s your mother’s maiden name, he says ‘Dostoevsky’, what’s yours …..
He is very funny, profound…simply unique.
I saw him on Q&A, but it was Daughter who bought the book without knowing anything about him. I am so glad she did!
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it’s so frustrating that I can’t even write about my frustrations.
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I try some of the followin, hanging up, ignoring the call, speaking in another language, Telling them that I’ll go and get the”….whatever” and then leave the phone of the hook. Another trick its to say hello wevery time they say hello.
What gets me. the other day one of them rang the fax number then proceeded to call the same number 5 times in 10 minutes.
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I’ve reverted to looking for ‘Mr M’ for up to 20 minutes. It seems to keep their line open, which doesn’t do me any harm.
Now, where is Mr M?
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Either way, when I get those calls I basically tell them to eff off, or – don’t waste your time and money with these stupid calls … and hang up.
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Might I suggest a tweak, Emmjay?
Here’s how it works people:
When a call centre calls your phone, the service switches the call to an Indian lawyer. He charges the call centre on a time basis in 6 minute intervals. When they refuse to pay he threatens to take them to court. They pay up because their own lawyer advises them it’s cheaper than going to court. The first lawyer takes their lawyer out to lunch.
Or better yet, kill two birds with one stone.
Here’s how it works.
When a call centre calls your phone, the service switches the call to your own lawyer in Australia. He charges the call centre on a time basis in 6 minute intervals. When they refuse to pay he threatens to take them to court. They don’t pay up because an Australian court has no jurisdiction over them.
But think of how you’ve stuffed around your lawyer!
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I prefer option 1 – any mention of my lawyer scares me, Voice.
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Sorry, could you explain that bit about the 10 bucks again? I must have blanked out because I could have sworn it felt like I was going to be diddled out of a tenner and I may or may not have Scottish heritage. And secondly, I can’t see how to get hold of EmmTel’s customer complaints “service” – I tried at the bar on the way in but when I asked about the phone menu they just gave me a dog-eared tea-stained card offering me burger and chips, lasagne and chips etc and an old-fashined look.
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Fractious, surely not diddled. Think of it as a donation to the Cook’s River Groupers Fishing Club and Sea Scouts’ new boat fund – or the price of supporting Amnesia International.
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I thought all the gropers at Cooks River had been rounded up, but what would I know. One thing that’s always puzzled me about the Sea Scouts is how they keep a fire going when it gets choppy and without burning a hole in the bottom of the boat.
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Yep, sounds difficult – almost as difficult as pitching, rolling and yawing the tent. But I bet the ropes and knots course comes in handy.
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Dib dib dob.
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Never mind the Indians.
Try and get to talk to ATO. Now there is a challenge. Both of us were due for a handy Tax return. Helvi got hers in a fortnight. I did not get it and duly phoned up ATO.
After a lenghthy menu with lots of bewildering options but with nothing too esoteric yet, you kind of wander off to an option that will hopefully lead to a real live person. No such luck, you have to enter your TFN Tax file nr.
Now it really starts hotting up. Another menu and an unexpected demarche with many different angles on the proceedings with personel questions such as; who is your mother and what is the name of your first dog….? And the music, that dreadful tune…water-boarding would give relief, no a holiday.
It was far worse than the de-alcoholised red wine from Dan Murphy.
I finally got it last week. I put it under my pillow and now read it before falling alseep
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Wow – now THERE’S a challenge, Gez. ATO calling. I think we need some voice automation “If you are a tax adviser, press 935278519722341678245367, otherwise press 6539876249882236100191835426. “I’m sorry, did you say “935278519722341678245367 ?”
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