Mitt Neutridge and one of his wives - formerly married to the Joker
The Pig’s Arms political correspondent and serifologist, Anthony Puce has been studying the US presidential pre-elections and the curious Republican dog and pony show.
Here’s his report.
Much like everyone on ABC News 24 – who seem so hard-up to find 24 hours worth of news to report, many Pig’s Arms patrons have expressed something rather close to complete indifference to the US presidentials – and who can blame them. No matter what the outcome, it’ll be some redneck semi-“religious” super wealthy dude with a trophy wife and good teeth versus the first black president to inherit a giant hole in the financial universe and an unwinnable war from a previous Republican redneck semi-“religious” super wealthy dude with good teeth and an IQ approximating his shoe size.
This time, American voters (both of them) have a serious challenge in working out which candidate has the stupidest, most ridiculous name. We have an amphibian and a piece of baseball equipment for starters. Can you imagine Queen Elizabeth addressing a leader of the western world as Mr Newt or Mister Mitt ? For Pete’s sake !
The big unknown about the US presidential election is whether six or maybe ten people might bother voting. So the result is usually a totally random outcome.
So it beggars belief that this crop of clean-shavens spend tens of millions of dollars to embarrass each other and themselves in front of a couple of hundred million TV viewers and the news of the world. Forget the war in Afghanistan, Kazakhstan, Stanistan, or wherever – Newt Bigrich has six wives and still scored with a political volunteer from Detroit in 1969 ! Woooh-hoo !
Does anybody remember the hooting tootin shootin and bespectacled wonder who had a shot at the Deputy’s job last time ? The western world would have only been a heartbeat away from being run by a moose-botherer – and since the Republican nominee was about 170 years old, the last heartbeat was a fair bet at the time.
There was a lot of hatred towards the outgoing president last time – for badly mismanaged disasters – including the first global sub-prime loan failure driven meltdown, Hurricane Katrina, most of the west coast and Yellowstone National Park burning to the ground, Iraq, Enron……. the list is endless. This time we see something approaching despair and disappointment towards the incumbent for failing to engineer the much-needed reform of minor things like universal health care, sustainable education, replacement of infrastructure, environmental degradation – anybody remember a bit of an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico ?) , détente with China, nuclear proliferation and climate change.
Mind you, Obama had a balance of power issue the envy of lesser mortals like our own PM.
Failure to deliver on promises is already a cornerstone of electorability in both parties. And so too is the wildly rational behaviour of gun-totin white trailer trash with two working teeth, massively obese carcasses, pick-up trucks on perpetual hire purchase and no visible means of support beyond selling moonshine hooch and bathtub speed. These people clearly fear communist liberty-robbing initiatives like affordable health care and quality education far more than they fear their offspring coming back from Afghanistan in body bags. And Rupert’s Fox-driven nonsense – like Obama’s middle name being a sure sign that he’s actually a member of Al Qaida plays well with the congenitally hyper-prejudiced so that’s a really good reason for voting for Root Nitridge. Go figure.
So here’s our prediction: Obama by a short half head over Mitt Neuteridge, allowing for a new technology stuff-up that will make unreadable chads, chedds, chits or whatever look plausible.
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 
Oh dear, WTF has Mrs Newt Sandwich ingested- an illegal substance? Or has she got a nasty case of…Drat, I can’t find the correct spelling, so I’ll opt for piles? Or has her dentist put something nasty in her mouth and told her not to close it? Or even, struck with a rictus?
She presents like a taut wire which will twang if you touch it. All most unfortunate; especially being married to a man with his loathsome track record. God alone knows what she’ll look like by the end of the campaign.
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Looks like she was very pleasantly surprised before rigour mortis set in.
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Pleasantly surprised indeed, but after the rigour mortis has set in the look is not so pleasant or pleasing.
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Mrs Newt looks like a battery operated barbie doll. Or perhaps shes just battery operated.
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Could there be anything worse than contemplating the Newt’s even coming close to becoming another US president? They are all alike, larding in their money with not a single line ever having been writ in their lives nor on their smooth ‘Bolt et Sandilands ‘ like faces.
It doesn’t matter they hold high the principles of selfish individual rewards at the final cost paid for by the majority sliding into more poverty, more trailer trash with hopeless mobile lives and without health cover. Millions of them. Just take a walk around this empty Yankee land. A horror to behold. Steinbeck turns in his grave each night a dozen times over, bolds his fist.
The same gloomy prospect to behold with those Abbott lovers gringing up to the Ginas, Clives and Twiggys; farting, belching amongst their spewing billions, but not a bus to take the disabled to their schools nor housing for the homeless. Be gone you bloody failures.
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According to Mulga Mumblebrain, The Chinese are going to rule the world. At least Gina & Rudd’s wife, leave me alone and don’t encourage me to work in slave labour camps.
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VL, que?
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Pardon me for butting in Helvi, but I think that what VL, meant was this:
According to Mulga Mumblebrain, The Chinese are going to rule the world. At least Gina & Rudd’s wife, leave me alone and don’t encourage me to work in slave labour camps.
There! Is that any clearer?
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Gerard: I take it you refer to the Rhine Maiden when you say Ginas?
Surely one of the least comprehensible facts of American life is their inability to tax their multi-billionaires at a halfway reasonable rate?
Meanwhile, back in the terra incognita that used to be called Australia, our obscenely rich have lucked onto the same mother-lode of bickkies. Advance Australia Where?
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Venise,
Indeed, but without the ‘hart’, that became ossified through the years. She used to give bread- crumbs to the ducks, spent time in her castle eating bread and honey…but now…it’s all gone… just counting money.
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Here’s something for those who want to express themselves like the common man with dots, dashes and slashes.
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……….\…\………. _.·´
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Oi!
I hurt that!
/\ /\
\o o/
—
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Bugger! My lips have gone!
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Yup! that’s what Neut was up to. have butcher’s at his darling’s mince-pies///////// ◐★◑☆
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Vox! You posted something about Neville Cole ‘s blog. As I live in a cocoon, I have never looked at it. What was your intimation?
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☞
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What? What does “What was your intimation?” even mean?
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wow! I’m breathless!! haha. No!! Speechless.
You of all persons ( see how liberated I am?)
If I intimate that Gillard is a bad Prime Minister, I could do it by saying that she introduced a tax that she gave an undertaking, not to.
If’n I hint that gERARD is a grumpy old Dutchman, I could intimate that he was born in Scheveningan and was born on The wrong side of the dyke–and has been unhappy ever since.
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Howeve, as far as Neville is concerned I thought that you were intimating a certain something.
IE: He has died.
Or, he’s given up writing.
Or,..I dunno really. What is it you meant anyways? ..Nothing maybe?
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My fault for inconsistency VL, I shouldn’t have thrown an intimationless comment in with the others of this morning. 🙂
I think Neville’s writing has a certain flair, even though certain aspects of it might not appeal to such a liberated person as your good self.
Inevitably all of your above possible explanations flashed across my mind, but I really just wanted to pay a little homage to the blog’s passing.
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I’m off to THE F.M.
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Is that Aristotle expressing the Greek in you? 🙂
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Talking about writing and dashes and slashes, it might be appropriate here to remember what Aristotle said: “To write well, express yourself like the common people, but think like a wise man.”
I think Emmjay does that…he writink good-ly.
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Another lovely compliment, H. Many thanks.
For a few years I worked as a wharfie on day labour on the Rozelle Goods line, lumping bagged rice into shipping containers. I was a student at uni when I wasn’t a wharfie. One of my co-workers once said “Geeze, Mick, I reckon you’re lucky. You can talk with shit carters and kings”. I took that as a great compliment too.
Later on I did half a Masters in History and Philosophy of Science at UNSW and my history professor said he liked my writing style because it sounded like me speaking to him. Other academics were not so fond of a conversational style and preferred the more formal – and utterly boring approach.
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For that little bit extra on the comedic side: Psephologist vesrus psophologist.
‘Psophao’ is a verb used to describe disdainful death. Curses. Only dogs ‘psophane.’ So, when someone wants to curse you with, ‘die you dog!’ they’ll say, ‘psophise skyle;’ so the play on words, call it malapropism if you care, made when a psephologist is punned with the psophologist, ie, someone who counts the carcasses of unloved dogs.
I just thought I’d drop that in, sort of to increase your greek vocab.
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Dun’t help Ato… it’s all Greek to me…
😉
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I know, I know! That’s what Lizzy said to Philip on their first nuptial bedding!
It’s an example of what difference a single letter can make, even in a large word.
The word “psephos” means “vote. The word “psophos” means “death” but the sort of death that you’d either wish upon an enemy or to describe the ending of animal’s life. Animals psophoun; human pethainoun. So, the pun that a poorly prepared comedian might make is that psephologists don’t really count the votes of living humans but of dead animals… much like seers look at the entrails of sacrificed victims… sort of… kind like… a bit… quasi…
In other words, we should pay as much heed to psephologists as we do to the weatherologists and astrologists.
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In my role as protector of the underdog I am constrained to protest at this gross private school bullying nastiness, atomou. I am shocked that you should say that Emmjay, who’s just doing his best, is no better than a weatherologist. I may have to retire from the Pigs Arms for a while to recover. Pass me the smelling salts and a fan.
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Smelling salts and a fan?
What nonsense is this?
What you need is a shot of ouzo, accompanied by a couple of olives followed by a greek coffee chaperoned by a couple of kourabiethes!
GeeeZeus help me!
Smelling salts and a fan? What ever do you do with them things?
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Thank you atomou, I feel more myself now. Albeit with a tendency to break into dancing the Syrtos without warning. Should have gotten a pavlova to chaperone that coffee.
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Nooooooooo! NOT a bloody Pavlova!
GeeeeZeus!
How could you did this to all these delicacies? How could you do it to yourself? How could you sink so low after gaining such culinary heights?
What sin!
To the halls of Hades with you, woman!
Bahhhhhh!
Well, that’s it! You non-greeks… you have no hope of learning about the fruits of Democracy, let alone Epicurianism!
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With whipped whole cream, passionfruit and strawberries. The Greek coffee would be completely powerless.
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Have another butcher’s at the pic.
E’es got is ‘and up there guv!
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Ow you saucey devil you there VL.
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I liked this Emmjay. I, as everyone knows, or should know by now, like unaltered streams. 100% of mine are written that way ──── maybe that’s bad atomou ──── however, I like it.
It is often funnier than edited prose── in a blog that is! ..Obviously, for an opinion piece for ones flagship: the A, of Broadcasting Companies, one expects a gramarly production.
I predict a win for Obama lama ding dong.
Mitt Romney looks like a Thunderbird puppet and Newt has nasty sound. Sort of unfinished…I am sure it’s short for neutered ── that’s why he is always trying to prove that he isn’t.
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Newt’s trophy wife looks like she took the “full” option when she last went in to be “Stepfordised”. My dog what a frightener!
But then Newt’s a bit of a frightener too. According to him there’s no such thing as too much hubris. He’s another of those over preveliged, over wealthy political sociopaths that think the world was made for their plunder. I just can’t fathom how it is that anyone, apart from him and his alarming wife, thinks he’s Presidential material. His congressional record is appalling and his personal life is displays all the hallmarks of self interested insatiability unsatisfied.
But then who can fathom politics these days? They all look rotten to the core to me.
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Yes, not the full ticket, clearly. Yet, the average American is clearly oblivious of what the rest of the world regards as ‘attractive’ or even ‘sexy’.
The face of Mrs Newt is as close as anything resembling a blow up doll that some men marry and take to bed. Looking at the pre-election American footage it seems as if everyone of the wives are flat out trying to imitate that same frozen in time Barbie look. I am sure some of them are made from a plastic mould and with some clever electronics do a fair bit ‘alive looking pranks’ like waving their hands or grimacing disguised as a smile. ( or should that be the other way around?)
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Every Rick, Mitt and Newt fronts up for the Presiden’s hip in the US!
But I don’t want to add to the perception that many americanophiles hold, that aussies are engrossed in the interminable campaign cock-ups (is a hyphen ok, Voice?) of america, so – I won’t; except to say that for a good second and a half, I thought Newt’s missus was our very own Jules Bishop! That bloody stare! Zeus’ thunderbolt is less jabbing! And that this piece, thankfully and interestingly, went beyond the nominationals and onto the disgrace behind the race.
Dashes, are cute when they’re not prodigiously used. I see them as a statement in itself, like “would you believe this?” or “hang on a bit and cop this:” Rather more colourful than the bland and totally perfunctory comma.
I also love the ellipsis – you know, that cute little troika of dots. The statement which that wizard piece of punctuation is making is (to my mind, anyhow) similar but not identical to that of the Dash, ie, “you wouldn’t expect this one but there you are!” (Pointing to the more ironic or even paradoxical bit of the issue discussed… in the main sentence.)
The word for “thanks” in Greek is “euharisto – ευχαριστώ” The Brusselians are expecting to hear it from the Greeks but the Greeks have plastered a banner in their parliament θπον which is written the ancient Spartan two-word show of defiance: “Molo’n Lave’ – Μολών Λαβέ” ie, “Come and get it -if you dare!”
But I won’t talk of Greek campaigns either -Sorry, Mr Psephologist!
I think it’ll end up being Newt against the big O.
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Emmjay, whilst you are here, I wanted to ask you if we need all those ‘places’ like the comma, the muse, and the link…
Why not just have: home, about, the dot and the dump?
No one goes to the other ones and if someone wants to ‘bore’ us (me) with re-cycled ( 🙂 ) jokes ,they can do so under The Dot. 🙂
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H, people have said that the site is too complicated and a bit vast and I’m inclined to agree. The point of extra pages was to remove videos and such from the Dot so it loaded faster. But the number of comments has risen again and the problem seems to have returned.
I Emailed Voice and Gez – since Hung has decided on a break from the pub – for we administrators to think through the best way to archive off the old dot comments and maybe also to tidy up the pub as you suggest. Main problem is that these things tend to be time consuming – something that seems a bit scarce around our household at present.
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My 2 cents.
I really like the recycled jokes section, but its title is too much of an in-joke.The rest of my comments are Dot problems:
– I preferred The Dot as a . because it’s not distracting for newcomers and it’s just for asides that don’t belong anywhere else.
– I respect the work that went into The Clip, The Muse, and The Link but they exist only as a solution to a perceived technical problems with The Dot and have no “real” raison d’être so ultimately don’t work. Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
– You might just bite the bullet and provide The Dot as a scratch pad where comments last a week before deletion and insist that people make a post for anything where they want a discussion that doesn’t vanish. Posts can be a single sentence long.
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There are two Dots.
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What’s with the dashes? Are they place markers to return and review the punctuation?
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I will treat this question by ignoring the rhetoricalaciousness. Dashes – take a comma and hold it a bit longer in your mind’s breath. There – how’s it feel now ?
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I prefer my original guess. 🙂
But to return the rhet-thingy ignoreance; wholly confusing.
It’s never clear whether you intend :
– a colon, as in “Dashes – take a comma”
– a comma, as in “Much like everyone on ABC News 24 – who ”
– a left-hand parenthesis, as in “environmental degradation – anybody remember a bit of an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico ?) ”
– a full stop
– let’s throw in a dash for good luck, as in “There was a lot of hatred towards the outgoing president last time – for badly ”
To get away from punctuation wars: I find it seriously slows down my reading because it makes comprehension more work.
It’s worst when there’s more than one dash in a sentence. This one was a real bugger: “There was a lot of hatred towards the outgoing president last time – for badly mismanaged disasters – including the first global sub-prime loan failure driven meltdown, Hurricane Katrina, most of the west coast and Yellowstone National Park burning to the ground, … “. I guess the first one is a comma, then I come across the one just after disasters and decide they are both parentheses, then I can’t make sense of the rest of the sentence and go back and decided they were both commas. Then I complain. 🙂
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Voice, mea culpepper.
You – and ‘Shoe are both right. It WAS a stream of consciousness rant exercise. And the sloppy grammar shows like a beer belly hanging over a pair of stubbies. I was struggling against consultant’s block and it worked like Epsom’s Salts. But thanks for struggling with it and I’m glad the jokes caused you some amusement. Not being American helps.
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Sometimes I get stuck in a stream of conscientiousness from which I cannot escape.
Deeply troubling that stream.
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A laudable admission of gilt-edged streaming. And on the plus side, wrestling with the punctuation completely stopped me noticing the bad grammar. 🙂
For me as a reader it would be easier if you grabbed a comma or a full stop when practising flying punctuation, unless the place markers were retrospectively replaced.
And thanks for Newt Bigrich and Root Nitridge.
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Don’t forget to keep it clean!
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Dashes and/or dots – not a bother. Good stuff Emmjay.
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– . .- -.-. .... . .-. ... .--. . –
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Can’t stand slashes, though!
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Thank you Viv. Always appreciated are kind words of praise, however well-deserved or otherwise 🙂
Voice, that last comment looks a bit morose. Is it co-ed ?
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Even more so now I’ve prevented WordPress from converting it to ellipses and en dashes, Emm.
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Punctuationist and proud, atomou.
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Speaking of well-deserved praise, I idly popped over to Neville Cole’s blog and it’s been demolished. This seems a real shame.
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Many blogs die because people don’t promote them. According to Word press you got to link your blog to many others,do some commenting and hope that they visit yours, you got to tweet, be on the face-book, hassle your friends, and do all kinds of things and finally you just have to be happy to write and to be ‘small’…if all above fails… 🙂
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Why do Americans have such weird names, Mitt, Newt, Tippy, Bunny….
Is the woman in the picture real, or is it one of those blow-up-pretend-women, or a large Barbie doll perhaps?
I like Obama and Michelle, I want them to stay in the White House.
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That woman, H is the real Mrs Newt Gingridge – number 3. I think the weird names are just a reflection that Americans have a poor comprehension of the absurd, no sense of self-ridicule and for a wealthy nation an alarming lack of ‘taste’.
A quick google reveals that Newt is in fact “Newton Leroy”. His wife’s maiden name was Callista Bisek (sorry, I almost had an accident when I read that …. if she received a wrap as a gift, would that be a Bisek shawl ?
Previous wives were Jackie Battley and Marianne Ginther.
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Written at a guess in near one stream of consciounsness by someone close to a political bone and liberated by one stiff pink drink bought on the slate by sounds at the bar of the Pig’s Arms.
Relaxed, confident, and feeling safe, the psephologist speaks. The bar patrons turn and listen, only moving to turn their heads back slowly, without fuss, unnecessary movement, to take a sip of their own pink one.
Engaging and entertaining, freed of the jargon of candidacy and of the barely understood references to places all over the one country, this is regardless thinly disguised with sweet satire a riveting read.
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Delightful. Thanks, ‘Shoe 🙂
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Gee you’re a real sweet talker, shoe!
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Algy, if I’d thought the boss was up to writing a piece as good as this… 🙂
No-one more surprised than me that the boss is Puce. Hope y’ didn’t think I guessed. 😉
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History Mystery
Have a history teacher explain this—– if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960..
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights..
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln ‘s secretary was named Kennedy..
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln …..
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named ‘Ford’.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘ Lincoln ‘ made by ‘Ford’.
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
WHO FIGURED THIS OUT?
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Well ah’ll goah to’t foot of ower stairs… Wow! What a series of coinkidinks…
I give in… who did figure it all out?
🙂
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This is so bizarre, Gez. I’m betting it’s complete lies and nobody ever checks because it’s fun to believe in lies from time to time. Never, as they say, let the facts get in the road of a good story.
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The shorthand being “apocryphal”.
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