Story by Emmjay
With the apparent cessation of illegal whaling by Japanese “scientists” in the Southern Ocean, local sleep activists have reported an alarming rise in mattress beachings in the inner west.
Distressed Sleep Shepherd activists have been frantically trying to encourage the stranded pods of mattresses back into their bed frames with little or no success. Activists have been particularly upset by increasing numbers of single juvenile mattresses also accompanying the king and queen sized adults to a sticky end.
Mounting around the clock vigils to prevent the mattresses from drying out and sitting patiently next to the mattresses and counselling them against the unwise practice of beaching themselves on nature strips in the inner west, has proven to be of little value.
In recent days, Marrickville Council workers have been manhandling the deceased mattresses into the backs of Council trucks – or, to the utter distress of the Sleep Shepherd activists, squashing the hapless mattresses into garbage compactors, and sending them off to meet an uncertain ultimate end.
The Minister for the Environment and Sleep, Greg Hunt was unavailable for comment, but if he WAS available for comment, we’re pretty sure he would be taking Japanese futon “scientists” off to the the Hague for another round of legal challenges to stop this heinous culturally insensitive destruction of the sleep environment.
Did I mention “brothel” ? Sorry, somebody told me we’d get thousands of hits if I said brothel, sex, or included a photo of a cat.
Note: No whales or mattresses were harmed in the making of this piece.