Tags
Brothel, cats, Marrickville brothel, mattresses, sex, whales
Another beached mattress
Story by Emmjay
With the apparent cessation of illegal whaling by Japanese “scientists” in the Southern Ocean, local sleep activists have reported an alarming rise in mattress beachings in the inner west.
Distressed Sleep Shepherd activists have been frantically trying to encourage the stranded pods of mattresses back into their bed frames with little or no success. Activists have been particularly upset by increasing numbers of single juvenile mattresses also accompanying the king and queen sized adults to a sticky end.
Mounting around the clock vigils to prevent the mattresses from drying out and sitting patiently next to the mattresses and counselling them against the unwise practice of beaching themselves on nature strips in the inner west, has proven to be of little value.
In recent days, Marrickville Council workers have been manhandling the deceased mattresses into the backs of Council trucks – or, to the utter distress of the Sleep Shepherd activists, squashing the hapless mattresses into garbage compactors, and sending them off to meet an uncertain ultimate end.
Random Photo of George the Cat – a local sleep expert
The Minister for the Environment and Sleep, Greg Hunt was unavailable for comment, but if he WAS available for comment, we’re pretty sure he would be taking Japanese futon “scientists” off to the the Hague for another round of legal challenges to stop this heinous culturally insensitive destruction of the sleep environment.
Did I mention “brothel” ? Sorry, somebody told me we’d get thousands of hits if I said brothel, sex, or included a photo of a cat.
Note: No whales or mattresses were harmed in the making of this piece.
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 
Pingback: The Marrickville Mattress Minimalist Poet strikes again | Me fail? I fly!
Gladys slept here…. and here … and over there too.
When it was Barnaby’s turn for an even more bizarre indiscretion I couldn’t get my hands on a single beached mattress 😦
Seeet dreams, Therese Trouserzoff.
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Dunno why we’ve pinged back to this, but it does seem appropriate.
That Cheech and Chong skit springs to mind…if it smells like shit, and tastes like shit, and sticks to yer shoe like shit…
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They charge like a wounded bull at the tip for a mattress to be tipped. They don’t fit into a wheelie bin either. So there are bound to be more stranded or feral mattresses.
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It’s very difficult to extract the baleen from the mattress.
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Are you still pottering about Northern Italy taking in fabulous art works and scenery and local cuisine? Where have you been this last week?
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We landed in Sydney Sunday night, back at work, usual stuff.
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So what’s the verdict? I suppose no-one wants to be a travel bore at work, but you can let your hair down here a little bit. Favourite meal. Painting you’d most like to see again. Most hilarious cultural misunderstanding. That sort of thing.
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Mmmm, favourite meal, too many, most were favourites, even the cheap ones at trattorias, or the fish market. As for art, anything by Michelangelo, or Botticelli, are almost divine, breathe taking. Amazed at so many feats of architecture, not just St Paul’s, but huge Roman walls that are over 2000 years old, or how the hell they built so many cupolas (? cupoli) 500 to 2000 years ago?
We were amazed at the way Italians, who spoke not one word of English, could take an order, feed us, provide alcohol, and get the money out of us.
I guess I may have to write a few PA type stories.
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I like the Romanesque bell towers in the countryside. Among many, many other things. I recall marveling at the whole piazza designed by Michelangelo. Great you enjoyed it.
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When someone wants to buy, and someone wants to sell to them, sign language can be remarkably expressive. Patience and good will on both sides. Of course I’m sure that’s not the only situation in which you were able to communicate successfully.
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What is it about the inner west and their wildlife. Pods of lonely matresses finding there way to vacant walls. Recently it was the running of the bulls down King Street. When will it all end.
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Excellent.
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What a shame the cat was alive
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Loved it, just loved it!
Here’s the theme song.
Great cover of the Jim Capaldi tune.
And just to be helpful with those hits;
You know my “talking cat”; the one that works for that “online brothel” and has all those theories on how “climate change is a huge socialist conspiracy”? Well she’s developed a “diet that guarrantees you lose 12lbs in the first week or your money back”. I thought she was on a winner with her program to “earn $2000.00 a week from home”, particularly since she said that there were “no training or computer skills necessary”, but this new “get rich quick scheme makes everyone a winner!”
What do you think? Enough hooks there to be going on with? If you need more, just sing out.
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HANG ON, I’M WORKING ON MY PENIS ENLARGEMENT.
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No, but seriously, Googlehoover, your response was a pearler. Many thanks.
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D’ya get any onya?
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Sorry, I’m busy shaving my palms… and can you write a bit bigger, my eyes aint what they used to be…..
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Why would anyone google penis enlargement? Anyway, if they do, I’ve done my bit. Possibly I should rephrase that.
I get plenty of unsolicited emails about it, and believe me, it’s not as if I’ve EVER shown online interest in either of the two words, let alone the two together.
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I get those emails too. Well I used to. After one full on year they finally gave up. Those young lovely Russian women finally gave up after years. But the gambling invitations persist.
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Does anyone know where to get a safe and good penis reduction? I believe it is not possible and have been told to count myself lucky. There are pills that promise a reduction of 3inches within 6 weeks but I don’t believe this.
I know of one man who had it done but he regrets it and said it is now like throwing a small sausage in a….pizza oven.
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Well I would go overseas for one never know what you might end up with.
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Yes, Gez, more than a handful is a waste.
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Depends on the size of the hand I suppose.
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I don’t know much about these things but I think it depends less on the size of the hand and more on keeping his hand off it. Also try not to think about Queen Beatrix or the colour orange.
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Yes, but for the love of Mike, don’t have lascivious thoughts about T.Abbott or pretend to be his bicycle seat..
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Look all you blokes while you’re on about your worries of getting a bigger weanie or it up, a nice person has written telling me, Mrs Wilson, about the money that’s mine that is waiting for me and how I was SELECTED! ME! SELECTED! I haven’t even won a chook raffle yet and someone has hundreds of thousands of dollars for ME to collect! I have to send a bit of cash to the person and I’m wondering if we could get up a bit of a hat at the bar. It mattress to me.
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I once won two frozen flounder in a pub raffle in Wagga. I think second prize was three frozen flounder.
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I won a chook in a chook raffle once. But I don’t know if it was a chook.
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I bought a pumpkin at a Church jumble auction and when my parents learned I spent all my pocket money on it they looked pale.
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You should plant the seeds and see if a giant pumpkin vine grows.
If it does, climb it; but if you hear the words “Fe Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Australian….”, run like hell.
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OK, Googlehoover. I kept the seeds in a tin labelled Recall all these 54 years. I’ll give it a whack and give your benevolent advice a crack. As any imaginative 9 year old would all the way to climbing the vine. You’re addressing the right 9 year old.
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