Emmjay – Can’t Help Himself Again

Not content with being at the cutting edge, Pig’s Arms ranga reporter Brian O’Kerry speaks to us from over the event horizon today, beyond the Western skyline.

This is his story.

He choses to start now.

In a shocking, but entirely consistent way, the PM with the leastest, the man with no money in his budget, no heart in his budget and in fact no budget in his budget, is about to spend millions each day sending our troops into Iraq (AGAIN !).

The retired military (only place to be when a war is on…. retired) are all advising that this will be a long war. Long these days means more than a decade. So get ready for a fucked economy for ANOTHER decade at least.

But there’s a more pressing item on the neo-fascist Abbotian agenda. Youth unemployment. Hmmm. War and unemployment. Hmmm. What did we do when we had this problem in the sixties ?

I REMEMBER ! We brought in an entirely unfair ballot that forced young men (note – only young men – and young men from the working class to boot to boot camp on the way to having their lives entirely fucked up in Vietnam.

Now we all know how massively unpopular that was, but it was at a time when people gave a stuff about a fair go and stood against political evil – shoulder to shoulder. This is now. Every man and woman for themselves. Stuff you, I definitely am all right Jack.

So, it is with heavy heart that, looking over the horizon, our Pig’s Arms cub reporter reports that the Abbott Government will be bringing in conscription on the first Tuesday in January when the Reserve Bank will raise interest rates and sell bonds to fund Australia’s contribution to the newly discovered fresh war on terror (a.k.a. demonising everyone with a beard, a burqua or both. Especially both.)

In a fresh departure from his usual punitive stance, Abbott will be offering nashos a holiday at an unnamed country retreat with unlimited paintball credits and the chance to play “Fortune of War” after their usual bedtimes. And after that, if they reach level 47, they will win an all-expenses paid tour of sun and sand resorts in exotic places. Much more fulfilling than doing break and enters to fund a crack habit in some hole in the ground housing commission suburb.

Did I mention the opium ? Free opium too.

So, don’t worry Australian youth – about having an unpropitious birth date. There will be just one exemption – for the poor bastards unlucky enough to be born on a day without a “y” in it. Hah ! Just joking. Everyone will be able to go – unless they have a dad or mum in the cabinet, in which case they’ll be given a non-existent scholarship worth $60,000 to a fashion college.

So, there you have it, FOPA (Friends of Pig’s Arms). Welcome to the new Abbott bastardry – Conscription II.