From our North American Correspondent, Neville Cole

Ted.1 (The Begats)

[1] Verily, thus reads the book of the generation of Ted Cruz, the son of Jesus Christ himself.
[2] Jesus begat (by holy virgin birth) Teddy; and Teddy begat Englebert; and Engelbert begat Elvis; and Elvis begat Sonny;
[3] And Sonny begat Fidel and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Cuba:
[4] And after they were brought to Cuba, Fidel begat Ramon; and Ramon begat Pedro;
[5] And Pedro begat Xavier; and Xavier begat another Jesus; and here’s where it gets tricky because Jesus begat Jesus Jr.;
[6] And Jesus Jr. begat Jesus III; and thankfully Jesus III begat Diego; and Diego thought about starting up the whole Jesus thing again but ended up begatting Rafael who became the husband of Eleanor, of whom was born Ted, who is called Cruz.
[7] So all the generations from Jesus to Ted are fourteen generations (give or take a Jesus or two).
[8] Now the birth of Ted Cruz was on this wise: When as his mother Eleanor was espoused to Rafael, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.
[9] Then Rafael her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to get the hell out of Cuba.

[10] But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Rafael, thou son of Diego, fear not to take unto thee Eleanor thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.
[11] And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name TED: for he shall save his people from their sins.
[12] Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying,
[13] Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Rafael Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.
[14] Then Rafael Bienvenido being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife:
[15] And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name TED.