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Author Archives: Therese Trouserzoff

Foodge 20 – Foodge Has a Narrow Escape

02 Sunday Jan 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Big M, Foodge Private Dick

≈ 16 Comments

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female impersonator, Foodge, Pigs Arms

By Big M

Foodge woke with a start. It was still early, eleven, or eleven thirty, by the way the light slanted through the aluminium Venetian blinds, illuminating dust motes, which seemed to have lives of their own. The groans emanating from the mound of bedclothes on the other side of the bed were a dead give away that he wasn’t alone. ‘Mmm.’ He thought to himself. ‘Must’ve got lucky.’ The mound of blankets started to move, and a blond head emerged. “Hello, big boy.” Foodge sat up in bed, grinning away. He remembered buying Victoria a bottle of ‘champagne’ at the Pigs Arms, and then everything else was a blank.

Victoria sat up. “Lovely room, did you decorate it yourself, dear?”

“Well, no, it, err, kinda decorated itself.”

“Coffee’s the first order of the day.” Victoria stood up, deftly wrapping the sheet around her tall body. She wasn’t beautiful, or even pretty, thought Foodge, but she sure was handsome. She wandered out to the kitchen, where she promptly started opening and closing cupboards. “Where’s the percolator, dear?”

“No percolator, just Blend Forty Three in the cupboard above the kettle.”  Foodge dressed quickly. An experienced PI like himself was never off duty, so, there was no room for a woman in his life. He was going to have to break it to her gently. He went through to the kitchen. “Look, Victoria, I didn’t mean to give you the wrong impression…err… um… didn’t mean it to be a one night stand.”

Victoria laughed. “Stand. One night stand?  There was no stand, dear. There’s a serious lack of ‘stand’, and I suspect the brewer has something to do with your droop!”

Foodge wasn’t used to the cryptic talk of women. “It might be better if you just left.”

Victoria turned on her bare heel and flounced through to the bedroom. “That’s alright, dear, I have a back-waxing appointment, anyway. She dressed quickly then marched out the front door. “Blend Forty Three, indeed!”

‘Gosh, she’s tall in heels.’ Thought Foodge. ‘Women’.

The main bar at the Pigs was open. Foodge thought it wise to walk down and pick up the Zephyr from the parking lot. Merv was drenched in sweat from his morning workout. A glass canoe found its way across the bar. Wes stuck his head around the door. “Uncle Merv, what will I do with these out-of-date cartons of cigarettes?”

“ ‘Ow many?”

“Hundreds.”

“Oh, shit.” Merv had forgotten that he’d allowed Lenny the Lurch use the shed, just before he went to Long Bay, for a long stretch. “Leave ‘em there, use the other shed.” Wes was trying to find a space to lock up his Charlie.

Foodge looked around. The pub was back to normal after Granny’s brews had come back on tap. The place actually looked a lot cleaner. “Had a spring clean, Merv?”

“Nah, Wes’s not paying any board, so he’s doing a bit of bouncing, bit of cleaning, even taps the odd keg if Granny’s busy. Plus, Janet’s been poorly, you know, the doc told ‘er to rest, you know, with twins, ‘an all.”

“How far along?” Foodge had no idea why he asked, as he had no idea about how ‘far along’ a pregnancy should be.

“Eight months, although it feels like eighteen.” Merv smiled at his little joke. “Doc reckons ‘e might need to seduce ‘er closer to the time.”

Foodge nodded knowingly, not entirely sure why a doctor would ‘seduce’ a pregnant lady. He stared into his glass and was about to say something about getting lucky when Wes stuck his head around the door again. “What about that female impersonator, Victoria, pity the bloke he took home!” Wes laughed.

“Oh…ah…female impersonators.” Foodge blushed, inwardly thankful for the brewer who’d induced his droop.

“You looked pretty friendly with her.” Wes gave a knowing wink.

“Oh…err…yes, Victoria’s an old friend…err…aquaintance.used her as a snout.

“They never get the walk right, do they?”

Foodge thought that Wes was being as cryptic as Victoria, earlier this morning. “Err…no. You doing anything tonight, it is New Years Eve?”

“No, I’ll help Uncle Merv and Granny. Big party here, you know, Angles, Bowling Ladies, Male Nurses Union, you know, usual crowd. Oh, shit, get out of that, you bloody useless creature!!” Granny’s goat was chowing down on the high tension lead of Wes’s Charlie.

‘It wasn’t the usual crowd.’ Thought Foodge. JL was MIA, hopefully not in gaol, Manne was supposed to be overseas with Neville, but Neville denied any knowledge, Gez and the Mysterious H were busy in their new place, as were ‘shoe and Asty. Winnie was till in Japan, but, thanks to modern technology, was able to send a telegram now and then. The famous Greek playwright and his missus never turned up. To top it all off, O’Hoo was doing a cricket tour with, soon to be, Superintendent Rouge.  ‘Well. ‘ Thought Foodge. ‘Happy New Years Eve to ‘em all, whether at home, or away!’

14 Mongrel & the Runt – The Dogs of Christmas Part 01

01 Saturday Jan 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 24 Comments

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Mongrel, Runt

The Dog Posse

Story and Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

It was Christmas Week in Molong and the town was buzzing with seasonal activity. There was shopping to do and Christmas preparations for the mothers; gardening, clean up and repair work for the fathers. For the kids it was Christmas holidays and from this end they might as well go on forever. All over town kids were out. They were kicking balls and riding bikes and running wild all over Molong. They were swimming at the baths and hunting for adventure along the creek. There were several impromptu junior test matches on any area of open grass. They were making bows and arrows and going through caps in their little silver guns as if “the West” had never been won; and all the family dogs were out too, joining in all the running, tumbling, boisterous fun.

Any dog owner worth their salt will tell you they enjoy a special kind of relationship with their canine companion. Some invest their friend with wisdom beyond their species and spend their time in conversation with the dog as if it were the font of all wisdom. Still others form a conspiracy with their dog and over time they come to do things with each other that would be impossible for either alone; others just enjoy the fun, the unconditional affection and friendship that is the dog’s stock in trade. Indeed there are as many kinds of relationships as there are dogs and humans to form them. That’s the wonder of dogs.

However not all dogs are lucky enough to form this bond. They have no human companion to care about them and look to their wellbeing. Some are abandoned as pups, or mature dogs, and are forced to survive how they can. Others are cruelly treated and simply run away.

Some find new homes but many of these dogs die. Some of starvation, others of disease; and many die in dog fights, either with more powerful domestic pets, though more likely in the rough and tumble of living the feral life where the rules are completely different to those soft enforcements that characterise the human companion’s life.

However, there are commonalities to all dogs no matter their circumstances. They are pack animals best suited to a hierarchically structured life within that pack. They are highly territorial and will often fight to protect their turf. They are intelligent, cooperative problem solvers not unlike humans and they display courage, compassion and a confounding insight on occasion.

So it was that in the week before Christmas Mongrel was to be found looking out for the big Rottweiler that protected the back yard of Perk’s Motor Garage. He’d been let out of his protection duties because it was Christmas and the Molong kids all loved him; often taking him down to Hunter Caldwell Park for hours of fetch and chasies. The big black and tan hound would belt along until he just couldn’t go any more and then he’d trot off to collapse and cool off in the willow shaded gravel shallows of the creek.

That was where Mongrel found the Rottweiler. Mucking about in the creek with a bunch of kids. They were hunting frogs and the big black dog was very excited, barking and jumping at every sighting.

Mongrel had heard the Rottie as he approached the drop off to the creek terraces behind the baths. Pushing aside some willow fronds, he barked just once and the Rottie turned and responded likewise, before leaving the children to the frog hunt and joining Mongrel up on the bank. They gave one another a quick sniff, more for form really, and then set off back towards town.

The Rottweiler was called “Ronnie”, sometimes “Rotten” and even “Ronnie Rotten” and while his growl and bark could strike fear into any burglar or petty thief, he was essentially a good natured dog with a sense of fun at odds with his threatening bulk. Ronnie also loved children and the kids all loved him.

Ronnie had a good mate called Chester, a red cattle dog who lived with a parcel delivery driver in the caravan park. Chester like most cattle dogs was powerful through the shoulders and body. He had the classic block like cattle dog’s head and a bite on him that could crush bones. His “Duty” was to sit on the open back of the lorry to protect the load when his owner was making a delivery. Chester was also quiet by nature and enjoyed nothing more than snoozing in the sun; unless someone came too near to the open tray. Then Chester was transformed into a slathering foam mouthed zombie dog from hell. He’d bark, bare his fangs and growl; he’d feint towards the trespasser as if to attack, only to pull up just short of the edge of the tray where he’d bark even louder and more ferociously. No one had ever gotten onto the back of the lorry since the day Chester took up his post.

Chester’s human was taking his Christmas break and was down at the Freemasons having a few clean and cleansing ales with his mates, so when Mongrel and Ronnie turned up outside Chester’s caravan there was nothing more to it. Chester joined the posse and the three dogs went in search of number four.

Lorcán Ua Tuathail Cúchulain it said on his pedigree papers but that was too much of a mouthful so even the Gaelic-speaking fathers at St Laurence’s just called the wolfhound Loccy. Like most domestic pedigree pets his conformity to his breed was more a novelty than a necessary utility. It would never have occurred to the good fathers that this tallest of dogs, this noble paragon of graceful speed, breeding and bearing, was a war dog. His kind had once struck mortal fear in the hearts of toughened Roman Legionaries and he was precisely this shape because this was best for chasing down and killing wolves in the eighteenth century wooded fastnesses of western Ireland. It was from there that Loccy’s pedigree could be traced.

But this wasn’t the eighteenth century and this wasn’t Ireland. Loccy was in the garden of the rectory with one of the fathers. The man was gardening in his cassock and a broad straw hat. He was down on his knees getting his hands dirty and Loccy kept close to enjoy all the new smells the turned earth threw up. He could also smell Mrs. Delahunty’s kitchen, which was alive with action and a host of seasonal smells.

There was a lot going on for Loccy at the rectory. Which made it all the more odd when a few minutes later the gardening father looked up to see Loccy sloping off down the drive, apparently to meet up with three other dogs that were just standing in the shadow of the gateway awaiting his approach. The father watched as the wolfhound joined the other dogs. It upset his delicate sensibilities that dogs always had to do that when they greeted one another, and it seemed to go on for altogether too long this time. Strangely though, the priest was pleased to see that Loccy was the biggest dog in the small pack.

As he watched them go he thought, “What can go wrong? He can enjoy himself with his dog mates” He sang out, “See ya Loccy.”

 

The big dog barked from somewhere down the road.

The butcher shop was officially closed for Christmas and New Year and Porky and Harry were at home wrapping presents. Algernon had gone in to Orange to see Gruber for his final check and all clear. It wasn’t really necessary, the injury had healed completely leaving only the lightning strike scar that seemed always to be threatening Algy’s left eye. The headaches had passed, his vision was again 20/20; but Gruber and the young history scholar had got to know one another and discovered they shared an interest in medieval European history and the poetry of Schiller. The medical appointment gave them a chance for a natter. Algernon would catch the Broken Hill train at East Fork in Orange and be home in time for tea.

The Runt had been hanging around with Porky all morning but then suddenly The Runt stopped dead in his tracks and pricked his ears. Porky couldn’t hear anything and went back to wrapping his present for little Bill, a handsomely featured starter kit of Meccano. Porky was tempted to open the wrapping and get out the colourful metal parts, the chromed machine screws and tools, and make something. He’d never had such things as he grew up at Fairbridge.

When Porky put the wrapped box down and looked around the room The Runt had disappeared. Porky thought nothing of it. Probably just gone looking for Mongrel who’d vanished soon after Algy left for Orange. He’d be back later. Porky went to make himself and Harry a cuppa.

Down town there were now five dogs. King, the big German Shepherd from the Council Depot, had escaped his chain link enclosure and joined the pack. It wasn’t hard. He’d just slipped his collar over his head and climbed up onto the cabin of a conveniently parked truck. From there he leapt over the barbed wire that topped the chain link fence. He came down hard from that height but recovered well and went over to greet the other four dogs. Familiarity restored throughout the growing pack they all headed up Gidley Street, eventually making there way out of town along the Manildra Road.

Along the way the five big dogs were joined by The Runt and a Corgi called Owain. His sweet looks were deceiving. Owain was a made dog and had won prizes back in Wales. When he’d arrived in Molong with his now retired master the locals just laughed at the idea of a Corgi winning “Herd Dog Champion of Champions”. They’d stopped laughing when he’d romped second in the local Sheep Dog Trials. Owain was no foolish lap dog. He wore Glyndwr’s name with pride; this little tricolour Pembroke Corgi was a fighter too.

Now there were seven.

Some time around mid afternoon Paddy Noonan saw an improbable collection of dogs moving through the scrub at the side of the Manildra Road. They appeared to be making their way up to the top of the big limestone ridge to the west of Molong.

Paddy thought no more of it. He was rushing into Molong. He had to see the bloke at the Pastures Protection Board about some sheep he’d lost. He thought they might have been attacked by Dingoes or maybe feral dogs. The carcasses in the back of his ute showed that whatever had attacked these sheep had been intent of doing them damage but the carcasses showed that very little of the animals had been consumed. Paddy thought it was more likely feral dogs. He hadn’t seen a Dingo round here for years and Dingoes were generally better organised with their kills. His sheep looked like they’d been the victims of a frenzied and disorganised attack, then left for dead. It occurred to him that maybe it was the pack he’d seen climbing the ridge but he dismissed that thought almost immediately. It was the sight of Owain and The Runt that put the innocence to their purpose. Small dogs simply couldn’t have inflicted this damage on his sheep. But then Paddy had only seen Owain, The Runt and Chester clearly. The others, the big four, had been spread out following a spore, moving ahead through the scrub.

When Mongrel and The Runt failed to show for tucker at dusk, Harry, Porky and Algy assumed they must be off on one of their adventures. Though both dogs had begun to spend a great deal of time with the men at the house in Shields Lane, it was not unusual for them to come home late and sleep on the verandah where Porky had left a couple of old blankets for them to lie on. Some nights they didn’t come back to Shields Lane at all.

Down at the caravan park Chester’s owner, having come home and found Chester gone, had spent a great deal of time wandering around down town, whistling along the creek and around the railway station, looking for his mate. He’d gone into Jimmy Hang Sing’s place just to ask the customers waiting on their takeaways whether they’d seen Chester. No one had.

Still, Chester was a one-man dog. Nobody would try to take him, not without a whole lot of serious trouble, so his owner wasn’t really concerned. Chester would turn up when he was good and ready. It was just that the man missed his mate. Having a cold beer as the sun went down over the ridge just wasn’t the same without Chester by his side.

King wasn’t missed at all. Most of the blokes from the Council Depot were on “Christmas Time”, skiving off, getting a few drinks in with mates, Christmas shopping, the rest had taken annual leave for the festive season. None of them even noticed King had slipped his collar.

Loccy and Owain however were missed and Constable Molloy took a call from the rectory, and from Owain’s master, who’d told Molloy in his thick Welsh accent, “I tell you boyo, Owain is one of a kind.”

Molloy could hear the querulous uncertainty in the old man’s voice, even through the thick accent. He needed his dog back. It didn’t cross Molloy’s mind that the biggest dog in town and one of the smallest could be missing, together.

Molloy told the father’s and Owain’s master the same thing. Dogs are dogs and often suit themselves. He was sure they’d turn up and in the meantime there was little more that Molloy could do but keep a look out as he did his rounds.

After closing the garage Terry Perks dropped into the Telegraph for a beer. He asked Clarrie if he’d seen Ronnie. The publican said he hadn’t seen the dog, which only increased Terry’s discomfort.

With a look of deep concern Terry told Clarrie that Ronnie had been gone most of the day. He’d taken off with a bunch of kids this morning and Terry hadn’t seen him since.

“He’ll turn up mate.” Clarrie assured Terry. “He’s a big bloke, he can take care of ‘imself. Most likely he’s gone home with one of the kids. He’ll prob’ly come scratchin’ on ya door later.”

Terry’s unformed fears for his dog were somewhat assuaged by Clarrie’s sanguine attitude; but he still asked every bloke in the bar if they’d seen Ronnie. No one had.

Terry went back to the garage to make a few phone calls. Clarrie was probably right. He’d contact the families of the kids he’d seen Ronnie go off with this morning.

When Clarrie later went upstairs for a short break he found Porky and little Bill helping Beryl dress the Christmas tree. Jenny was visiting an aunt in Bathurst.

Just for something to say, Clarrie offered, “Apparently Ronnie Rotten’s gone walkabout. Terry’s a bit upset.” Clarrie made a sucking sound with the corner of his mouth for a little emphasis.

“Oh, he’s such a beautiful dog. He’s so big but so gentle with the kids.” Said Beryl as she dropped her head to one side and got a sort of dreamy look on. Beryl loved Christmas and at this time of the year everything was special.

“Yeah, The Runt shot through th’smornin’ too.” Said Porky. “Haven’t seen “im since.” He laid some fine silver tinsel across the needles of the fresh smelling pine.

Little Bill was remembering a day some time in his brief past when he’d been introduced to Ronnie. The big hound had given Bill a great big sloppy lick all over the face. Little Bill had been only an inch or two taller than the dog at the time. It was one of the memories he would keep his whole life.

“He’s a very licky dog, Ronnie is.” Said little Bill with all the sage seriousness a five year old could muster.

Clarrie joined the others at the tree and pitched in. Still no one thought that the two missing canines might be missing together.

In a small clearing in the cypress scrub that scrabbled a poor living from the impoverished limestone soils of the ridge the dogs had drawn up for the day and as the dusk deepened the dogs engaged in an all important display of obeisance and submission to finally decide the ranking and structure of this new pack.

The first to make the move had been Loccy. Wolfhounds are perhaps one of the most empathically gifted of dogs and Loccy had been uneasy about the apparent lack of structure in the pack. Though Locyy was the biggest dog in the pack he felt uncertain in himself. The only dog that didn’t seem uncertain was Mongrel. Pedigree was worthless here. In fact pedigree is meaningless when dogs get together. The only things that matter are ability and resolve. Loccy had ability but Mongrel had the resolve. Loccy stooped and licked Mongrel’s snout.  He whined a little. Mongrel gave him a quick nip on the neck and the wolfhound rolled over and showed Mongrel his belly, all the while panting, his red tongue lolling out of his mouth. Mongrel barked and the wolfhound jumped up, now panting happily.

For a big dog Loccy was surprisingly agile and while he had yet to show the others, he was also one of the fastest things on four legs in the district.

Ronnie was next, though he was more direct. He walked up to Mongrel and barked at him. Mongrel simply barked back and Ronnie went and sat down next to Chester, his mate. Chester then barked at Mongrel who growled viciously back, exposing his teeth and feinting toward Chester. Ronnie nipped Chester on the elbow and growled a low threatening growl. Mongrel lunged at Chester and bit him on the snout leaving a small line of red blood. Chester got the message, his ears went down and his tail tucked under him, he began to pant happily too. This was better. He was happy to be his old mate’s lieutenant and if Ronnie would work to Mongrel’s leadership, so would Chester.

King was the last of the big dogs to sign up. Normally aloof by nature, King was the only other natural leader among the dogs. He gave Mongrel some noisy growling and barking argy bargy but the numbers were against him. When Ronnie and Chester came in to enforce Mongrel’s legitimacy the shepherd gave in and licked Mongrel’s snout before dropping at the front and panting, his tail wagging like a flag on a windy day.

That was settled. It hadn’t taken long and it had to be done. The dogs moved away from Mongrel who began to wander around the small clearing in the gathering gloom, stopping here and there to turn a few circles and then move on. At last he came to a place where a log was lying across a shallow wash away below a small cropping of rock. The location offered security and a good view to west where the sun had dropped below the horizon leaving the few clouds in the western sky on fire with oranges and reds. Mongrel peed on the rock, turned a few circles scratching here and there and then settled down below the outcrop. As the boss dog it was his choice of the best nest site.

The other dogs then followed the same ritual. All circling occasionally, scratching, until all had found places.

Owain and The Runt had watched all this from a safe distance. The Runt knew who the boss dog was round here and Owain, though he was all pluck, wasn’t going to mix it with any of the big dogs. He knew what he could do and come the time he’d do it.

The two small dogs joined the main pack; the Runt as always snuggling up with Mongrel while Owain joined Loccy. The wolfhound was glad of the company. It was his first time in the bush. The Bubuk owls hooting in the dark unsettled him. He whimpered from time to time.

That first night they went to sleep footsore and hungry but now, having resolved the leadership issue, they were also more confident, more focussed on their pack. There was no telling when this new pack might be tested and the dogs, both individually and collectively, would not allow themselves to be found wanting.

To an outsider, having observed the packs formation and come upon the dog’s bivouac in the cypress scrub, the dogs would have appeared out of place, at odds with their surroundings. Here were five valuable pedigree dogs and two mongrels. They all showed the condition and coat characteristic of the domestic pet. They were for the most part healthy, clean and free of the infestations of fleas and ticks, gut parasites and most signally the scarring that feral dogs display after a life competing for food and position in the wild.

Yet here was the pride of the dogs of Molong, having apparently abandoned their secure lives, their hearths and homes and come instead to form a pack in a rough clearing in the bush a few miles from anywhere. No one could have known their purpose but it would have been clear that they definitely had one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pig Psalm 1

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Pig Psalm

Great is the publican who does not walk in step with those who watereth-down their fine ales.

And he who taketh not his patrons for granted by

Recycling slops from the drip trays or

Leaving pipe flushings in the first few pours

Praise be to the publican who delights in a clean urinal

Like the Friday raffle may he prosper.

Wicked publicans who short change pink drinkers are like the losing TAB tickets fluttering across the car park.

They will not stand in the bistro queue or go around the back for a quick fag in the beer garden.

Thus spaketh the Editor of Beer Weekly.

Baggy Green Blues

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, The Sports Bar

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Ashes Test, Baggy Green, Blues, cricket, Ponting

“Now there are blues that you get from happiness

There are blues you get from pain

There’re blues when you are pining for your team to be shining

Blues that are hard to explain”[1]

“And there are blues you get from cricket

When you hear your top order snick it and they fill up your thoughts with darkest dread

Yes, these blues become a bummer when they wreck half of your summer

And your steel reserves must harden to take the tranny out in the garden

For there are blues you get from hearin’ your team’s chances disappearin’

When your cricket gear’s at home, out in the shed.

But the meanest blues, the meanest blues there be

Are the kind that I got on my mind

The blues the Baggy Greensters give to me.

There are blues you get in snatches when they drop dead sitter catches

And complainin’ to the umpire “He waz out !”

There are blues you get in cricket when the ball misses the wicket and the keeper fakes a half-convincing shout.

There are blues when you find wanting the captaincy of Ponting

Ain’t no point to linger or to blame his busted finger

‘Coz a punter’s just a punter and a Pup is just a pup

With two lost Ashes in a row, the time is surely up

And the Poms are on a millionteen for none

Yes there are blues when their top batters hit everything that matters

And the Poms are on two millionteen for one

But the baddest blues’s my insistence

When the Greens have less resistance

Than the skin on day old custard and the ponces show no mustard

And take a dive before the oldest foe.

Yes, there are blues when you’re in the thicket

And you blame a grassy wicket that didn’t seam to trouble Poms at all

Or there are blues when selector sinners leave out all the spinners

And there’s no-one who can turn a bloody ball.

You could say that it ain’t fair of me and the Poms were just too good

And selection’s such a tricky thing few mortals understood

I’m blue becoz we’ll all have to wait

For the gifted sons of the golden greats

But by that time, I have a hunch, we’ll all be out there takin’ lunch

Through fattish straws – with our toothless mates.

But the bluest thing, the saddest thing – I’ll remember till I die

Was Pup hangin’ on the final Ashes test, prayin’ for a series tie.


[1] From “Blues My Naughty Sweetie Gives to Me” – bent, with apologies

Even Santa Gets the Blues

30 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Astyages, Pig Psalms

≈ 18 Comments

By Astyages

I’ve finally managed to squeeze out a few words in a more-or-less twelve-barre-ish sorta pattern, with a vaguely christmassish sorta feel to ’em for the christmas palms/blues competition, of which we have, I think, approximately three entries… this being the third! So if anyone else would like to contribute an entry to this competition, you still have until Dec 31st, or until such a time as I can find a volunteer non-entrant to be judge Judy and executioner…

In the meantime, here’s my own entry:

“Even Santa Gets the Blues”

It’s christmas eve already and Santa’s got the blues

‘Cause Rudolph’s out on strike for a new set of reindeer shoes.

The elves came out in sympathy; and all his other helpers too;

And the cherry on the top: Mrs Santa has the ‘flu!

Chorus:

Yes it’s christmas in the North Pole; make sure you’ve paid your dues…

Yes it’s christmas in the North Pole, and Santa has the blues

The reindeer all came out on strike; their shoes were all worn through;

But in the yellow pages all Santa found was, “Cobblers to you!”

Mrs Santa’s taken to her bed, so Santa’s had no tea,

And all those kids still want their prezzies delivered all for free!

Chorus:

Yes it’s christmas in the North Pole

Make sure you’ve paid your dues;

‘Cause it’s christmas at the North Pole

And even Santa gets the blues…

I had intended to put music to it but am refraining from doing so due to the limits of time and talent… Happy Dionysia everyone!

Asty

🙂

Squid City

30 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Lehan Winifred Ramsay

≈ 25 Comments

Painting and story by Lehan Winifred Ramsay

In small towns people stick to simple rituals. Actually it was one of my colleagues at the university; a blind professor, who taught me that. Small towns have mostly simple things to do, more practical things, and if one starts to want more, one will leave. So it’s a kind of choice when people start to crave more. They generally leave. Those that stay must abide by the nature of a small town and keep their hopes small.

So it’s a bit tricky to start a school here. People have been on my back. This will not work, people don’t do that, they don’t do this, why not change that and you’ll get more students. Call it English Conversation, for goodness sake! For a few weeks I thought I was just being proud. But whilst talking to someone I realized that I was just being stubborn. Of course things are difficult when they are new. Of course it would be easier to do what everyone recognizes. That’s why things stay the same, and that’s why my university backed down on its vision for the future and settled for a safe and steady past. But that’s also why I am here, doing this.

I have a lot of time to think about what I’m trying to do. It isn’t easy to get a picture; one pixel at a time, one conversation at a time, it falls into place. I am making a school for people to become stronger people.

It’s a simple school, and very cheap –  ten dollars for an hour, and you can come if you want with no reservation and if you don’t come next week nobody will say a thing. A nice idea but if I don’t find an awful lot of people who want to do that I’m sunk. Still it’s worth a try. Here, where high rents and expensive lifestyles are not going to get in the way of a simple idea. I’m trying to find teachers to fill up three rooms four afternoons a week. People can come in and decide on the spot what they want to do, or they can come with one thing in mind and stick to that. Alongside my courses, which are english and art based, there is one on history and one on presentation. Now I am looking for more classes and more teachers. I want a simple course on philosophy. A simple course on psychology. Voice training. Education, especially a class on how people learn. An introduction to Complex Systems, and another on systems theory. One on management, one on leadership. High level reading and writing in Japanese. Business writing. Meditation. Book keeping. Local Ecology. New Media. Local architecture. See? Simple.

There is not much I can do at the moment to solve my problem of having no students. So I am taking a bunch of flyers with me every time I walk a dog, and putting them in the letter boxes of apartment blocks. This semester runs till the middle of February. The one from the middle of February might just be a really good one.

Boys of Summer

27 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Bands at the Pig's Arms

≈ 5 Comments

Summer – it’s all over the shop.  And thanks to Ricky Ponting and the boys, there’s not much by way of traditional joy (i.e. flogging the poms at Cricket – or more sportingly, seeing a close hard-fought contest played out next to Voice’s water cooler).

So by way of attempting a bit of spirits lifting, I dug these out …..

 

‘Superlatives fail me….’ the Christmas Family Spam from Hell

27 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Ricardo

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

Christmas Family Newsletter

.... annual fam spam ....

Story by Ricardo

Ricardo is a recycled Brit, former drinking mate and denizen of the Inner West, now ostensibly domiciled in Leeds, but given to escaping at the slightest provocation to his Chateau in Montmorillon.

He has kindly agreed to be the Pig’s Arms new Anglo-Euro correspondent.

Hello dear friends and lesser mortals.

I’ve been inspired by the xmas epistle from my posh Hong Kong ex-pat environmental “activist” sister which, this year, was clearly written with Gandhiesque humility.

I humbly suggest  that my highlights of 2010 actually surpassed hers….

Best described simply…

…..yet eloquently,

…..and above all….

…with unbridled humility as:- ‘Superlatives fail me….’

I have magnanimously selected you to be the special worthy few with whom I will share my highlights of 2010.

January

Bought  some thermal underpants for the first time ever. If only I had discovered these in 1995, I would not now be divorced.

Cleaned the toilet.

February

Nothing much happened really.

March

Found out that the Asda Supermaket sells real Jersey Milk (full cream). My cholesterol level promptly doubles with a week.

This led to unadulterated ecstasy when, whilst considering whether to purchase an 8 pack of aloe vera toilet rolls (they were on special offer but would the starfish in Hong Kong suffer?), I found out it is open 24 hours per day.

April

Lamentably my girlfriend ran off with a one-legged lesbian called Lucrezia to Lithuania.

It was a hell of a month.

They are how living in a ‘neo-minimalist’ (bohemian speak for ‘we don’t actually have any talent’) artists’ commune in Vilnius where they have opened its first Hong Kong Takeaway called ‘Fook Yuu’.

May

Lyndsey very kindly bought me a garden gnome for my terrasse (it is actually a backyard but I know my sister and her husband would collapse with horror at the working class/colonial undertones of this term). I must admit my terrasse was not inspired by Capability Brown. It is, alas, a veritable sea of concrete with just 3 garden gnomes, an anorexic Japanese Maple covered in bubble wrap, with not a tulip bulb in sight.

But she bought me, not just a standard garden gnome with a shovel or wheelbarrow, but a wolf whistling garden gnome which has provided some real mirth with tradesmen and next door neighbours.

June

Inspired by the events of May, I bought some gnome stickers for my wheelie bins (I always did have a penchant for classical art). Constable, Reynolds and Turner would have been proud. Photos can be supplied upon demand.

Cleaned the toilet again.

July

Expanded my knowledge of the French language when informed by Lyndsey that Gauloise Bière is actually pronounced GAZ WAZ. Even the French barman didn’t know this. This may explain why it took so long for my ‘Gaz Waz’ beer to arrive preceded by the entire staff of the bar coming out to my table specifically to inform le stupide Rosbif…. that they proudly stock circa 200 Belgian Beers but not one called Gaz Waz.

Made we wonder, was Napoleon really from a little mining village in West Yorkshire and not from Corsica.  Though not seen any portraits of him leading his troops at Austerlitz whilst wearing a flat cap with his pet ferret perched on top.

Perhaps ‘Not tonight Josephine’ was a misquote? Perhaps Bonaparte really said ‘S*d off yer daft Martinique slapper. I’m off aaht furra cupple o’ pints o’ Gaz Waz (i.e. Gauloise to English-speaking nations) with me mate, that ginger haired f****r Marshal Ney, and Marshal Murat.’

August

The main cultural highlight of my year. Some people discover God, tulip bulbs, a hambuger joint in deepest, darkest Borneo, snorkelling with scallops, or opera or ballet.

I discovered something much more profound and satisfying, especially after 8 glasses…

Jenlain Ambrée.

Holy dancing pink elephants. This is almost the same strength as Delirium Tremens.

If they fed this to the starfish in Hong Kong they would not need defending.

September

Bought a strimmer for the garden in my chateau in France. Further expanded my command of the French Language when I learned the French Title for the world’s most ridiculously small beer glass…

Un GALOPIN.

If you do not believe me, check it out on Google. I almost died laughing when le Galopin was served in all seriousness by the barmaid. I think I can safely say that you could drink 400 Galopins and still NOT be over the drink-driving limit in France.

Disaster. The hypermarché in Montmorillon no longer sells Asterix & Obelix Slippers.  Merci Monsieur Disney…

Visisted the crocodile sanctuary at Civray which is next door to the local nuclear reactor which for some reason is a mecca for Arab Tourists…

October

I came top in the Fantasy Football Competition at work during the first week of October and won a £1. I devoted this princely sum to the Scottish Squashed Hedgehog Burial Fund.

Found the greatest cover of a song – ‘Sweet child of mine’ by Taken by Trees.

November

I again came top in the Fantasy Football Competition at work and won another £1. Was going to send it to my sister to save all the scallops in the South China Sea but decided against it: Scallops with Snow Peas and Ginger just taste too good.

December

A mixed month. The zenith being able to download ‘Ice cream for crow’ by Captain Beefheart.

Sadly he died this week. I believe old Don Van Vliet (he was’t a real Captain unless he skippered the El Paso Funky Hombres Darts Team) spent the last 40 years living in the Mojave Desert indulging his passion for abstract art.

My sister would be disgusted. He could have put that time to much more productive use such as planting 600,000 cactus bulbs each year, saving the hugely endangered Mexican Yellowback Screaming Jalapeno Frog (lets’ face it, how many of my non-conservationally correct amigos have ever even heard of this hardy little and much maligned little amphibiano hombre?) or setting up a refuge for abandoned Chihuahuas suffering from eczema and other skin disorders.

Although no mention this year of anyone in my sister’s family in HK eating dog (and I thought stuffed olives were risquée…).  Let’s hope their pet Labrador doesn’t crap on the carpet in 2011….

Also very grateful to be enlightened in my sister’s xmas epistle that the British are the most racist and uncivilised people on earth. This is from someone who has a Filipina domestic slave. Sans ironie.

I think it is a bit unfair to label all the British as racists when Tikka Masala with 2 pappadum is such a popular meal.

Must go in a minute, I have to put out the burning cross in my front lawn. Apologies for sany speling errorz it is verry hard seeing teh keyboard through teh little eye slits in my white hood.  Probably made by some starving, oppressed, poverty sticken unskilled labourer in Manila. Don’t know what they pay them but they should halve it…. the quality of their goods is so shoddy.

Yet I do, in all seriousness, regard myself as being quite liberal, sophisticated and civilised.

For example, I’d like to see Britain bring back, and Australia introduce, public hangings, prison hulkships on the Thames, bear baiting, debtors jails, fox hunting, cock fighting, good looking members of the Royal Family, witch burning, slavery, the Crusades, the plague, burning Protestant Heretics, public flogging, Hovis Bread, hard labour in prisons, and tormenting the inmates in Bedlam by tickling their feet with feathers.

Just for fun.

Taken up Krav Maga and, as a result, have decided in the event of World War 3, I’m siding with the Israelis. Will they take Catholics?

Buying 300 fridges in the sales to do my bit for increasing carbon emissions and bring back global warming. It has been down to -28 celcius in the UK during the past month…

Found a superb new real ale pub in Leeds called ‘The Hop’. Owned by the Ossett Brewing Company. Outstanding. But not sure if ‘Ye Olde Headhunter’s Arms’ in deepest darket Borneo sells Ossett Beers.

Wishing you a Merry Xmas and Happy New Year,

Ricardo, holidaying at Chernobyl .... again ...

Ricardo

Bumper Christmas Edition 2 – One on the Trot

25 Saturday Dec 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

Harold Park Trots

By Emmjay

Michael Hutak’s piece at Unleashed on the demise of Harold Park Paceway brought back fond memories of early days in the Inner West of Sydney – in particular a short but beautiful winter holiday romance.

She was a gorgeous and (I thought) unattainable princess of the upper middle class intelligentsia rusted onto the University.  Her mother was, and possibly still is a glamorous belle from an old money family of jewellers, not of this town.

She had a real boyfriend at the time – and I suspect went on to marry the same a few years later.  Assuming he survived his penchant for climbing mountains and flirtation with heroin.  He was a handsome and dashing blade and I hated him with a passion.  I was at the head of a long line of envious bastards.

He was climbing in some obscure mountain range overseas that northern summer.  The Himalayas, if my memory serves me well.  And she was at a loose end.  I was not really at a loose end, but I kidded myself that I was – in the interest of helping her stave off incipient loneliness for the whole ten days – you understand.

I don’t recall how the affair started.  She was a gregarious sort of girl.  Surprisingly approachable for someone so unattainable.  I was painfully aware that I was not even slightly in the swashbuckling stakes and as history proved me right that time, I took my usual approach – the clowning option.

She was (and possible still is) the kind of strawberry blond with flawless, beautiful olive skin and eyes that set the room on fire.  She loved to laugh, throwing her head back and letting rip.  She was unselfconscious, of modest but exceptionally beautiful proportions and she loved to wear 1950s style flowing floral dresses gathered at the waist.  She was summer time – all year round.

I was a student.  A broke student.  She drove a small new Citroen – the kind of car that rises on pneumatic suspension like some weird kind of animal getting up and running away from a lion with us on board.  I rode a Malvern Star – ahead of the current wave by at least three decades.  A bit too far ahead of the wave, really.  Not mountain-climbing fit, mind you, but “cycle from the Inner West to Bondi and body surf all day” fit.  I had a scholarship that paid the princely sum of $40 a month plus my Uni fees and a textbook allowance.  My rented room cost $12 a week.  Beer cost 30 cents a schooner.  I ate prodigious amounts of spaghetti Bolognese (my signature dish to this very day).

I had a plan.  I knew that Errol Flynn was coming back with his sherpas in ten days.  I had to move fast.

Friday rolled around.  We decided – with a few mates to go to Harold Park and have a punt.  It was my first (and quite possibly my last visit to the trots – although local interest in the ribbon of light was always high in those days).  There were famous nags of the time like Paleface Adios and Hondo Gratton circulating and making their associates a handsome return.

We arrived early and exposed our complete ignorance and naivety to the ring, but before we placed the first bet, an old koori bloke sidled up to us and took us under his wing.  He had a small stubby pencil and he made a single mark against a horse in the first race on the card.  “You put a few bob on that one young fella”.  It was offering odds of about ten to one.  I handed over a fiver to the nearest bookie, got a vaguely scribbled slip in return and bought three beers, settling down to watch the  first race – replete with a total babe on my arm and the euphoria of a truly un-informed but none-the-less wildly confident young bloke.  I remember most the sound of the horses thundering around the track and the sound of the chariots’ wheels carving through the loamy surface.  I have no recollection of the name of the horse, the driver or the owner.

I decided to split this huge win.  I put most of it in my pocket.  The old bloke refused a share but was happy to accept a quiet beer and seemed to relish the vicarious pleasure of seeing a young bloke – equally broke – suddenly flush.  I put a tenner on the old bloke’s pick for the second.  It cruised in.

Most of the remaining racing and betting that night was a blur.  The old koori marked the sure-fire winners-to-be in the remaining races on our card.  And then, like a laughing phantom, he disappeared.

Four more of his picks came home.  I shouted our mates and my lovely companion several times and we walked out, arm in arm into the remainder of the Friday night with $300 in my pocket, struggling with the dilemma of whether to waste it on a really big night out, or split and walk home for a cuddle.

She was, as I said, a beautiful woman and my charming and vivacious companion.  No surprise that I have no recollection of a big night out on the town.  But I do recall that the cash lasted out the remaining few days we had together and when it was time to part I chose to let go without a fuss. A tad disappointed that she seemed to lack the desire to argue the point, but glad to be relieved of the uncertainty and pain of deluding myself that I was in there with a chance for the longer haul.

I never figured out why the old koori – who clearly was in the know about the harness racing game gave us the card.  And while I would never suggest that the industry was in any way suss, I am tempted to speculate that either the old bloke was having a bit of fun with both me and the bookie, or perhaps he was merely a hooker – in the manner of a friendly dope dealer who is free and easy with a “taste” – right up to the moment that it becomes an imperative – which is when the misery kicks in with a vengeance.

If that was the case, I was pretty safe.  I had a far more compelling – if fleeting interest.

Forty years later, I still warm a few cells in the front of my brain thinking about the girl from time to time.  With no regrets.

And I have no detectable desire to punt beyond that annual ritual on a Tuesday in November.

Bumper Christmas Edition 2 – Vivienne’s Christmas

25 Saturday Dec 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Vivienne

≈ 38 Comments

Tags

Christmas celebration

By Vivienne

My main aim for Christmas is to have everything organised so that between Christmas and the New Year I do not have to do any shopping at all.  It is a holiday week and that means nothing but having a good time with the family.  So this means some planning and extra stocking of the pantry.  The check list is crucial – lots of beer, wine, turkey, ham, quality long lasting fruit and vegetables, all cars full of petrol, housework totally up to date (ugh) and a double check that I have enough frozen Aussie raw prawns and scallops as the seafood shop closes for what seems like three very long weeks.

The biggest task is actually fitting everything which needs to go in the fridge in the fridge.  Years of practice usually sees success but it is not easy.  Making room for the important liquid refreshments means there is a battle between the fruit juices, mineral waters and the milk.  Unlike some people we cannot survive on nothing but ouzo.  We have some serious beer drinkers and wine buffs in the family.  One rule which must be obeyed is always replace the beer removed from the fridge or else there will be no cold beer later on.

We have tried a cold Christmas meal but some said, yes, but, yes, but … we still want your roast potatoes and the best roast carrots in the world!  It was a bit odd really so I continue with the whole roast turkey and vegetables spread.  We have it as a late lunch/early dinner.  No getting up early either!

About 11 am sees me preparing the stuffing for the turkey.  Herbs are my own homegrown and dried.  The turkey is soon in the oven and the various vegetables are all prepared.  The dining table gets a make over and looks rather good.

At around 2 pm we start to enjoy ourselves.  We begin with various cheeses and my smoked trout and pickled water melon rind, anchovy stuffed olives (the whole family is now hooked on them) and chicken liver pate.  Next up will be an old fashioned prawn cocktail.   Then it is time for the turkey and pulling bonbons.  The wine courses usually commence with the sparkling shiraz/durif and then it is over to my wine buff daughter to choose what’s next.  After that it is have whatever takes your fancy (there are two different single malts in the ‘cocktail’ cabinet).  There is no pudding on offer as everyone is too full to even think about it (one year it was on the ‘menu’ but was left forlornly untouched).   You may wonder about the ham – well that is for general consumption with salads before and after Christmas.

In the days which follow we will head up the mountains to pick berries to eat and freeze for coming months.  It is a lovely day and apart from the last three years when the drought and fire buggered up the crops it is something we have done for 25 years.  We will also head out to the Rutherglen area, buy some more wine and have a beautiful lunch at one of the wineries.   In between times there will be much watching of cricket and some DVDs as well as playing Monopoly and Scrabble.

My immediate family is small.  I am the only child of an only child.  Of my two daughters one has a ‘bloke’, a long term partner – he is part of our little family.  His parents can’t join us this year.  Some years we have an interstate visitor but not this year.  The five of us will have a lovely and loving time and that’s how we like it.

This is half of my herb garden.  The photo was taken very recently and since then the oregano has commenced to flower.  Unseen is the sage and mint (behind the rosemary). Elsewhere is more thyme, parsley, garlic and regular chives and aloe vera (to soothe itchy scratches etc.)

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