Category Archives: Vivienne

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE BEING A CARER

20 Thursday Dec 2018

Posted by in Vivienne

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Simulated picture of a Live-in Carer and patient

(As long as you don’t mind dealing with a lot of shit)

or…….

How to be a Carer of a person with multiple problems arising from cancer treatment.

Keep calm and have patience in abundance.

Remember that a woman can do anything.  Men probably can too when it comes to the crunch.

Have a strong stomach for icky stuff.

Do a lot of research.

Never accept anything without questioning it.

Remember your gut feeling is usually right.

Be tech savvy because programable nutrition pumping machines don’t come with instructions and are not logical.

Keep important phone numbers at hand at home and on your mobile phone.

Makes notes every day.  You’ll be amazed at questions doctors ask because they don’t have any notes passed on to them by other doctors or nursing staff especially when you’re dealing with three different hospitals.  Type notes up on your computer and run an up-to-date copy off for every major event.

Observe the patient’s reactions and changes which may be related to changes in medications or new medications.

If you’re calling the ambulance at night put all house lights on – inside and outside – because there’s no street lighting in non town/village areas (our house is 200 metres from the gravel road).

If patient has collapsed at home, keep very calm even if they look like death warmed up.

Buy twice as many PJs as you think are needed and don’t be surprised at how hard it is to buy summer ones during the summer, especially ones the right size. You can’t be choosey about the colour either.

Be lucky to have a good small ceramic mortar and pestle for turning to powder pills which have to be administered via a feeding tube.  Getting them in is another thing because they don’t really dissolve and quickly like to form a sediment.

Be good at making baby food and transitioning to moist grown up food.

Have lots of rolls of paper towels and big and thick tissues.

Don’t mind doing repetitive rather boring stuff.  

Get a pee bottle.

Be excellent at timetabling and shopping with very limited time.

Be good at filling in very lengthy forms.

If possible, have private top hospital health insurance.  Out of pocket expenses have been inconsequential.

Be lucky at getting a park at the hospital carpark (good luck with that indeed).

Try not to forget to feed yourself and keep on enjoying a wine or two or three.

Note: this is an extremely short version of my experiences over last thirteen months.  There are some details which no one really needs to know – like what really bad constipation is like when your bladder has gone to sleep after an operation (who knew that could happen and why weren’t we warned?) and why they demand half your teeth have to be pulled (well that did cost a small fortune). The good news is that the patient is close to being back to normal.

By Vivienne

Biltong – sort of !

31 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in The Dining Room, Vivienne

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Vivienne patiently waits for her biltong

 

Recipe from our Chef du Jour Vivienne

Make this on the day you want to eat it.  Great as a pre-dinner/bbq/party nibble.

One whole skirt steak (which makes the quantity shown on the tray ready for the oven).

Usually too long, so cut in half and then cut into strips starting from what was the side – that is, you cut with the grain, not across it.  Where meat is thicker, tip strip on to side and cut in half again.

Cutting Biltong

In a glass bowl mix:

  • biltong mixing2 teaspoons of ground ginger
  • 2 minced cloves of garlic (I’ve use fresh and the jar stuff, either are fine)
  • Half a cup of brown sugar (not the dark stuff)
  • 1 tablespoon ground coriander
  • 1 tablespoon garam masala
  • 1 tablespoon of fish sauce  (although I think I used more like a dessert spoon)
  • 3 tablespoons of kepjac manis
  • 3 tablespoons of regular soy
  • Salt – about 1 level teaspoon
  • Some pepper

Add the meat and ensure well coated.

Marinate for minimum of 1 hour but no more than 1 and a half hours – no need to put in fridge as is best at room temperature in your house.

Place on racks on a tray.  Close together.

biltong tray

Preheat oven to 140c and cook at least 1 and a half hours (up to no more than 2 hrs) – this depends on your oven (they do vary).  My oven is not fan forced.

Biltong Eat

Cool a little.  Eat

 

 

 

Nurse Barbara – Gravel Rock meets SAVLON

19 Saturday Mar 2016

Posted by in Mark, Vivienne

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nurse03

Written by HOO aka Mark

“Why don’t people in these stories ever answer their phones, isn’t that why they were created” says Nurse Barbara to herself, odd seeing she actually is alone and no one is actually answering the phone. Sandy won’t answer, Gordon is watching TV and the Bish is smoking in his den. My bet is they’re down the pub. I’d tell the Bishop but he’ll just say lets bring it up at the meeting and then has any one ordered the pizza’s yet, a true leader as her thoughts waft to anchovy and olive pizza, hmm.

Anyhoo, down at the pub Foodge was feeling a little edgy till a Little Edgy moved away from Foodge to the end of the bar. See Little Edgy was a girls only kind of guy and didn’t like Foodge feeling him but lets face who would want to feel a Little Edgy all the time. Hmm.

“What’s with you Foodge?” asks Merv noticing Foodge, looking like he was a Little Edgy, given the few pints or so he had for breakfast and focusing postprandial is never a good time for Merv.

“Well Sandy won’t get out of bed. Now I have to take Nurse Barbara out to the farm, somethings happened” bemoans Foodge.

“I’ll take my bloody self” says Nurse Barbara as she strides into the bar. “Pass me the phone thingy on the counter Merv, I’m ringing Viv and she can come with me. None of you layabouts are any good to me” asserts Barbara.

“It’s Saturday afternoon for Gordon sake, every one will be on the grog or just about to” informs Merv in his laconic rasp.

“Not us nurses mate, never off duty” says Nurse Barbara.

The phone rings out on the farm. Viv’s Husband answers the phone “Hello, Hollow MagpiesHollow here, Viv’s Husband speaking” says Viv’s Husband surprisingly.

“Viv” continues Viv’s husband, as my fingers wish I had thought of shorter name to call him “It’s the telephone, you know with the wires and stuff, like the tin cans with strings, like in the good old days, it’s Nurse Barbara” laments you know who.

“Yes Nurse Barbara” Viv states as she marvels at the technology built into these tales, how quaint  “come over now and pick me up or at worst follow the script. It’s the girls, they’re into this new fad, gravel rock it’s called, No Through Road is the album they just all must have” continues Viv in concern for her two daughters DeeOne and DeeTwo, phew says my fingers.

“What’s the name of the band?” asks Nurse Barbara as she orders a pint at the bar. Bloody smokes, she thinks must give them up one day, next we will know that they’re harmful, can’t have that now can we.

“Boom Crash Opera or Severe Tonsillitis, something like that” says Viv thinking back to the good old days of gramophone records and that dinner music band, hmm, ACDC.

“I’ll be there straight away” says Nurse Barbara downing her pint and butting her fag out.

nev blond walk away survillanceNurse Barbara arrives at the farm and is greeted by Viv along with DeeOne and DeeTwo.

“Now it’s good to see that you girls are alright after that gravel rock, knock, knock, crying sort of stuff, music as you loosely describe it but it can causing bleeding and permanent damage” says Nurse Barbara.

“Oh, look Nurse Barbara” cries Viv, “My husbands toe has just dropped off” as the astonishment builds so much here it’s almost palpable, palpable a nice word used to describe something that barely has a pulse.

“Damn” says Viv’s Husband “was going to work on the lawn but looks like I might have to put up what remains of my feet and watch the cricket, cheery oh” as he strides to the lounge room  via the fridge to get a beer. Now that’s a man.

“See girls” says Nurse Barbara as she shakes her head at the waste of it all

Tacit pause while all players readjust their priorities. Usually happens after an event like this, a debrief so to speak, yes folks, gravel rock can ruin your life unless you have SAVLON(Super Anti Vaccine Lancomycin On NetGel), yes an acronym, finally, you all say.

savlon“No Barb it’s not wasted” says Viv as the typing gets harder “what you need is SAVLON see up and to the left of screen, yeah that will fix any girls desire for gravel rock, or boom crash crying whatever” talks Viv, as seen on TV, “even tipped some in hubby’s port, hasn’t had a drink since”

“But…” interjects Nurse Barbara  as her hit count drops.

“Barb, I’m telling you, this will stop sheep’s guts from going rotten, seen it myself  I did, own two eyes, yep, sheep lived long enough to make it to market, er, um, to, er, be, um….” says Viv

“Sheet Viv, sheet” is all Barbara could muster, eyes widened as the authors BGL levels diminish.

 

 

 

 

 

Nurse Barbara – Are you Serious?

19 Saturday Mar 2016

Posted by in Mark, Vivienne

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Written by Mark. True stories by Vivienne.

If you haven’t read the first part go here

Nurse Barbara Bees Lips Misses Finger

After all this time writing here and elsewhere I have rarely written anything serious or should I say real or factual. This will be different for us both. No pictures but stick with me, I think this is important.

I have recently had some conversations with Vivienne asking if she could provide some snippets about Nurse Barbara, as you know Vivienne and Nurse Barbara are the same person. Vivienne sent half a dozen snippets or so and gave me editorial control of that information to use here at the Arms.

I used humour on some of the ones that had ready to go material in them but the real story is quite different. It shows a multiple skill set application used by someone who lives somewhat isolated. That skill set develops over time and often comes from events. Mainly these events are urgent  however you usually have to do something or you know that something bad is going to happen. So you do something. This needs to be recognised.

Now the dog was bitten on the lip by a bee, Viv’ husband called out to her that the dog didn’t look right and Nurse Barbara better come and attend.  Nurse Barbara removed the sting and applied Beechworth honey to the wound. The dog recovered half an hour later. The name Nurse Barbara has stuck ever since.

The said friend did have his finger saved by Nurse Barbara and the gag about the finger going the wrong way came from Viv or one of her family going to hospital and being asked why they thought their finger was broken to which they replied “well, it’s pointing in the opposite direction for a start…”

All what we would call the nursing process, assess, plan, implement and review.

Now here’s a first, well at the Arms any way. Here’s the next episode of Nurse Barbara but the truth first, Dr HOO’s version will come second. I’m combining these two snippets in to one story but I want you to hear the real ones first, unedited.

 

Road gravel and broken wrist

“Viv’s daughters were riding their bikes one Saturday afternoon. The road was safe, a gravel no through road. It was good as daughter No.2 had just recovered from a severe bout of tonsillitis. A lovely spring day too. Then knock knock and crying could be heard. Viv opened door to the sight of daughter No.1 covered in blood and crying in pain and panic. Daughter No.2 was okay but they were both exhausted. They’d crashed into each other. One hit the gravel badly. Nurse Barbara went into action. Where was the source of the blood. To the bathroom and a lot of gentle washing and picking out of gravel from chin and knees and hands. Then finally – oh dear, broken wrist. Panadol first, then phone off duty doctor. Drive to town. Doc wants an X-ray. Off to hospital –what a bugger. Back to doc who confirms what Nurse Barbara said – broken wrist (really!). Finally back home. The next day hubby cut off his big toe in ride-on mower accident. This time Nurse Barbara called the ambulance. She then hosed the blood off the verandah. Next day she fixed the mower so it automatically cut out the mower when no one on it. Then ensued three months of nursing. The toe did not grow back.”

That’s a busy weekend and when I read it, I could strongly identify with most of the aspects of the work. One of my nursing roles was, you’re it, look after anyone that comes through that door.

The other issue here is outcome. Injury and illness cause consequence. At many stages on our journey through life the truth tells us what those consequences really mean. Humour can but won’t necessarily do all of that for us. Again this requires recognition.

Now I am going to tie all this in with this gem. Excellent work here by Nurse Barbara.

The Mauled Lamb

“Savlon to the rescue. The lamb’s stomach was ripped open. Nurse Barbara – we have to save it says hubby as he pours himself a port. Do something! All I’ve got is Savlon and a sheet. Squeezed whole contents of tube of Savlon into open wound, cuts up sheet, winds it around lamb’s body, put lamb into laundry with a Hessian sack covering whole body. Next day – it was alive and got up and took off to join the other sheep. It recovered – sheet gradually unravelled after a few days. Got top money at market a year later.”

Clever work for certain. Now the Dr HOO version isn’t written yet but it will be soon as the writing bug continues. Nurse Barbara will have to go herself because Sandy won’t want to get out of bed, Gordon is busy watching TV and the Bish is in the den smoking. Can’t wait.

Cheers

Mark

 

 

 

 

Nurse Barbara – Bee’s Lips Misses Finger

18 Friday Mar 2016

Posted by in Vivienne

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tiny microbus

The 4WD

Based on trues stories by Vivienne

Hi all, Sandy here from Inner Cyberia. The Bish wants me to investigate this amazing, well actually incredibly amazing story that a bee’s lips misses someone’s finger and here I am in the four wheel drive heading way back out the back of out there somewhere, hmm.

Anyhoo I have brought along with me Nurse Barbara. “Say hello Barbara”

“Hello Barbara” says Nurse Barbara “been wantin’ to that one for years. Got any cigarettes, hidden stash, bottle, cash?” asks Barbara “Nah, didn’t think so, don’t seem the type.”

“I hope you can fix this poor person” I inform “it’s a lady called Viv, but it’s not Viv” I ramble.

“So, you purse carrying nancy boy, you are dragging me out here to see someone who was called Viv but then it changed and then it became Viv again! Crikey you have a nerve” completes Nurse Barbara.

“It’s Viv’s husband, not Viv.” I say.

“What’s his name ?”asks Nurse Barbara.

“Viv’s Husband, er, um, yeah that’s right, it’s Viv’s Husband for certain, yes his bee’s lips have missed someones finger” I confabulate wonderfully.

“Turn in here” points Nurse Barbara. Waiting at the gate is Viv and we pull over and get out and meet her.

“That bloody husband of mine let that bloody dog in the back yard and yelled ‘Nurse Barbara’ so we thought it must have been yours” says Viv.

“Nah not mine” says Nurse Barbara with typical nurse authority, “Oh and what happened to all of those things in the title, see read it at the top of the screen. It says Bee’s Lips Misses Finger.”

008

So cute

“That’s true, guess we got Nurse Barbara bit so far then it says ‘Bee’s Lips’. That’s right the script goes, well I looked at the dog, the dog wasn’t right, or left for that matter and her mouth was swollen bigger than big, right” continues Viv.

“Sit, stay” says Nurse Barbara to the cute little dog who is simulated on the right, opened up her magnificent and world famous chest and with her best and finest tweezers and skilfully removed a bee sting from the dogs lip.

“I’ll put Beechworth honey on those lips and they’ll be fine in half an hour. Fancy a sherry Nurse Barbara?” asks Viv. “The men can sit out side and scratch their nuts, lets face it, that’s all they are good at aren’t they, oh that and the reproductive organ” laughed the girls as they strolled arm in arm up to the veranda in the shade.

“Now what about Misses Finger?” asks Nurse Barbara reading the rest of the story title.

“Oh Mrs Finger, she lived down the road and round the corner. Moved on ages ago anyhoo a friend, who shall remain nameless, was doing a little chainsaw work for her.  Due to a lack of attention said friend sawed off the said side of his right said forefinger.” say Viv, totally ignoring tense due to “said” overuse in the last sentence. Thankfully at this moment her cat and keyboard are no where in sight.

my kinda santa

Nurse Barbara

What would Nurse Barbara do, hmm thinks Viv– I don’t have a big enough bandaid. “Please sit down while I drive to town for some supplies.”  Can’t you just hear the Benny Hill Theme Song playing here. At the chemist Viv found just the ticket – a couple of metres of continuous fine medical material, gloves and an internal applicator (with instructions and gel!). Hmm.

“Every day Nurse Barbara” says Viv now returning to tense and sense “I re-bandaged the finger until it had healed. Miraculously the finger also grew back.”

“You’re saint Viv, me and you are like minded” gushes Nurse Barbara.

“Well there is only one tiny little problem” fesses Viv “Well I put the finger on the wrong way…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Holly’s Pork Dumplings

30 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by in Vivienne

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Vivs pork dumplings 

Vivienne’s Daughter Can Cook Too – and please note that they are gluten free.

Filling:

  • 500g pork
  • 2 cloves garlic
  • 2 tsp finely diced ginger
  • 4 medium sized spring onion sliced finely
  • 2 tblsp of finely chopped coriander leaves, stem and root (give them a good rinse first)
  • 1 tsp Korean chilli powder
  • 2 tsp Soy Sauce (MegaChef brand)
  • 1 tblsp Shaoxing Rice Wine
  • 1 tsp Fish Sauce (Megachef brand)
  • 2 tsp Ketjap Manis
  • Pepper

Combine all ingredients together in a bowl mixing thoroughly so all ingredients are evenly blended through the mince. Have a good smell and it should have a nice sweet, sour and salty smell to it. You will be able to smell the Shaoxing wine mostly – however this will settle once cooked and it ensures the mince is beautifully seasoned.

Sit this in the fridge for a couple of hours or even over night if convenient. Just make sure it is well covered so the mince doesn’t dry out.

Wrappers

  • ¾ cup of Potato flour
  • ¾ cup of Besan flour (chickpea flour)
  • 2 tblsp Tapioca Starch
  • ¾ tsp Xanthum Gum
  • 1 tsp salt
  • ½ to ¾ water

Mix all ingredients together well (there is no need to sift the flours as they are so fine). Boil a kettle of water. While the water is still really, really hot, pour in a bit at a time while stirring the flour vigorously.

You may only need ½ cup to ¾ cup of hot water to combine – you will notice that while you stir it will come together and the potato flour will almost cook. Do not add too much water as the dough wont have the right texture.  It may take a couple of goes to start to understand the dough which reacts very differently to a normal dough (it took me a few goes!).

Once it has come together sprinkle with a little more potato flour and knead until the outside becomes lovely and silky smooth. Set aside to cool before use.

Viv Dumnpling 2

To make the dumplings:

Break off a 20 cent sized ball of dough and on a floured board (use potato flour or rice flour for the board) roll out thinly.  You want it quite thin (the same as shop bought wonton wrappers).

Then make the pork mixture into small balls and place into the middle of the wrapper and pinch the edges up around the sides of the pork mixture but leave the top exposed – this just makes it easier to tell when they are cooked (and it looks more authentically ‘dim sum’).

To cook, place in a steamer on top of some non stick baking paper.  Steam for about 5 minutes, not much longer- they actually cook very quickly.

Serve on their own, with a dipping sauce of your choice and or in a lovely warming broth of your choice.

Suggested dipping sauce:

Soy sauce with a dash of sesame oil and a glug of ketjap manis, stir well.

Enjoy!

Holly’s Korean Style Barbecue Steak

26 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by in Entertainment Upstairs, Vivienne

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Vivs Daughters Recipe

VIVIENNE’s Daughter Can Cook Too

Recipe for one hungry person!

  • 1 good quality scotch fillet steak

Marinade

Holly Pic 2

  • Korean BBQ marinading sauce (see photo)
  • 1 glove garlic crushed
  • 1 tsp ginger diced very finely
  • 1 tblsp good quality soy sauce (I recommend the MegaChef brand)
  • 2 tsp good quality fish sauce (I recommend the MegaChef brand).

Accompaniments

Holly Pic 3

  • Kim Chi – available at your Asian grocer or Asian food market. Cabbage Kim Chi is most suitable.
  • Blanched julienne carrot (as much as you like)
  • Blanched julienne zucchini (as much as you like)
  • Blanched bean sprouts  (as much as you like)
  • White bean paste (see photo) (just a small ‘dollop’)
  • 1 small bowl of steamed jasmine rice (cooked in water with plenty of salt)

Method:

Slice steak into thin strips then mix in with the Marinade ingredients for at least ½ hour. No need to marinate for longer than an hour.

Heat a heavy based pan.  You can add a small amount of oil if you wish but if you know your pan can handle it, just leave it dry.  Once the pan is almost smoking hot, add the marinated steak and cook until well done, aromatic and caramelised.

Take half of the blanched zucchini and half the blanched bean sprouts and place in a small bowl with some Japanese style mayonnaise and a good squeeze of lemon. Mix together. This goes well with the plain crunchy vegetables.

Place the cooked beef on a suitable plate and add the side dishes but keep your rice bowl separate so you can have each mouthful as the perfect bite- a little bit of everything. You might like to use a nice big spoon and then with chopsticks put a bit of everything on the spoon and then shove it in your gob! Yummy!

VIVIENNE’s Back on the BBQ

23 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Vivienne

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butterflied-lamb

One boned leg of lamb

The marinade is from Stephanie Alexander’s The Cook’s Companion (1st edition). I first used it to marinate a boned leg of lamb in the late 90s.

Mix together –

  • 3 tablespoons Dijon mustard
  • 1 tablespoon light soy
  • 1 tablespoon plain flour
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1 teaspoon of finely chopped rosemary leaves
  • Ground black pepper

Stephanie omitted recommending how long to marinate but experience says a good four hours. It is more like a paste so spread it over a butterflied leg of lamb having trimmed excess fat.   Because the lamb is butterflied it does not take long to cook and cooking time depends on the level of preferred pinkness. Please do not overcook. Best cooked on the hot plate. Serve sliced up with salads or whatever takes your fancy.

Chicken skewers

finalchicken

Marinate 2cm cubes of chicken thighs in the following mixture. (This would do at least 1 kg of chicken.)

  • Juice and grated rind of a whole lemon
  • Crushed garlic – about 5 standard cloves
  • Handful of chopped fresh Oregano
  • Salt (preferably Murray River flakes)
  • Freshly ground pepper
  • A finely chopped fresh red chilli and a sprinkle of dried chilli flakes
  • 2 teaspoons cumin
  • 2 tablespoon brown sugar
  • Olive oil to combine all together and enough to coat the chicken

I recommend tasting the marinade to see if it is to your liking. You may wish to adjust things a little. A couple of hours marinating is all that is needed. Skewer up and cook on the BBQ grill.

You might like to make this rice salad – it is rather delicious.

Brown rice salad

Cook one cup of brown rice, allow to drain well and completely cool. Then add the following dressing and vegetables.

Dressing –

  • Juice of a whole lemon
  • Teaspoon of crushed garlic
  • 3 tablespoons of soy sauce
  • 2 tablespoons of peanut oil/vegetable oil

Add 3 sticks celery chopped up; half a large red capsicum chopped up; small can of corn; currants (handful) and 3 spring onions sliced. Mix altogether. Then add couple handfuls of roughly chopped cashews dry toasted in pan (add salt if they are unsalted).

—ooo—

Vivienne’s Chowder

18 Friday Jul 2014

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viviennes chowder

Recipe and Photograph by Vivienne

This soup, or chowder, has had rave reviews from my family so clearly it is as good as I say. It’s magnificent.   Please do not try to substitute any of the ingredients because I can’t possibly guarantee the flavour, the yummy scale or the look.

 Ingredients

  • 60 g butter
  • 1 big or two small rashers of bacon
  • half a large or one whole leek
  • 1 carrot
  • 1 celery stalk
  • 1 large potato
  • 3 dessert spoons of wholemeal plain flour
  • 5 cups of stock made with Massel Vegetable powder (about 5 teaspoons altogether)
  • 16 – 20 Tasmanian scallops (they’re fresh and available now)
  • 300g of raw prawns (Aussie)
  • 1 whole prepared fresh calamari/squid
  • 150-200 g cream
  • parsley and chives
  • salt and pepper

Finely chop all the vegies and the bacon.

Using large Le Creuset pan/pot – melt the butter and fry bacon over low heat (cook it, don’t crisp it) and then remove and set aside.

Into the butter add all the vegies and cook over medium heat stirring all the while for about 5 minutes until they are softened.

Add the flour and cook for a minute then gradually add the warm stock. Cook and stir for a further 5 or so minutes until it boils and thickens, then simmer for another 10 minutes giving it a bit of a stir. Then whiz gig it until relatively smooth.

Leave scallops whole, cut prawns into 3 or four pieces and thinly slice the squid (and cut into 2-3 cm lengths). Add all the seafood and the prepared bacon to the pan and keep on low simmer until seafood is cooked.

Now taste for seasoning. It didn’t need much salt. Add the finely chopped chives and parsley (about tablespoon) and stir in the cream.

Serve with a sprinkle of parsley/chives for garnish and some sour dough bread rolls.

VIVIENNE’S Happy 5th Birthday to the Pub – The Spread

05 Monday May 2014

Posted by in The Dining Room, Vivienne

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Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

In the spirit of a milestone birthday party, the big 5th, half a decade, I’ve prepared some virtual food. As they say, get stuck in, please enjoy, bon appetito, smakelijk, velbekomme, kali oreksi, selamat makan, douzo meshiagare etc.

CANAPES

On arrival pub patrons will be offered plates of beautiful homemade canapés (or ‘orsesdoovers). Nibble on small pancakes topped with smoked salmon, sour cream and caviar, melba toast with chicken liver pate, smoked trout and pickled water melon rind or baba ganoush. Gluten free homemade crisp bread is there too – all delicious.

Then there is the cheese board to peruse: French brie, Australian cheddar, Milawa blue and goats cheese and some more, the names of which I can’t spell or remember how to pronounce.

THE COLD BUFFET

With Trotter’s Ale, mystery pink drink, wine or whatever in hand move on to the cold buffet.

Help yourself to slices of double smoked ham right off the whole leg, fresh tiger prawns, Sydney Rock or Coffin Bay oysters freshly shucked, cold roasted chicken drumsticks, rare roasted whole scotch fillet and any of the many enticing salads (potato, coleslaw, mixed lettuce, homegrown tomatoes/cucumber/fetta/olive or tabouleh). For the vegetarians I’ve gone to a lot of trouble and made devilled eggs and a spicy lentil patty with so little meat in it you’ll hardly notice.

THE HOT BUFFET

Then waddle over to the hibachi in the new slightly enclosed verandah for smokers. The coals are ready for cooking. COOK YOUR OWN HOT FOOD. Just select any or all of the prepared meats on a stick. There is my fabulous malay satay (lamb), original beef kebab, chicken satay and more garlic prawns and scallops on sticks. For the vegetarians – sorry there is nothing so you are stuck with baba ganoush, devilled eggs and salad and cake.

DESSERT

There is no dessert. (I only do crepes but I used all the mixture up to make the little pancakes for the canapés.)

But there is a BIRTHDAY CAKE. In keeping with the pub theme this is one laced with brandy and sherry. It’s full of dried fruit, wholemeal wheat, brown sugar, butter, free range eggs, crushed homegrown almonds and another dash or two of brandy and cream sherry.. Yes, it is actually a rich fruit cake.   I could have done my carrot sponge cake with strawberries on top but there are no strawberries and the fruit cake is easier to prepare ahead of time and I needed that time to get to the fishmonger for the oysters and seafood which are clearly of greater importance.

So here’s happy birthday to you – to be hummed with gusto and toasted with a glass of sparkling shiraz durif from a vineyard down the road from me (it’s bloody good).

PS: there is an excellent jug or two of percolated real coffee on the table near the cheese. Some drinking cups too if you must. But I’ll probably open another bottle of sparkling somethingorother ..….. hic.