Category Archives: Pig Psalms

Pig’s Psalm 1: 41 – The Meat Tray Way

07 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by in Pig Psalms, Sandshoe

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Dodgy types going down the Meat Tray Way.....

By Sandshoe

Blessed is the one

who does not walk in mud with the weather or begrudge the weight of the Pigs Arm’s take

or sit in the stall with mockers

[mocking piglets’ passing]

But who oinks hard at the jokes of The Big Pig and who meditates on the slough day and night.

That piglet is like the mud laid down by streams of water, which yields its mud in season and whose hock does not wither —

whatever they do prospers.

Not so non-virtuals!

They are like straw

that the fox [it is written huffing and puffing] blows away.

Thus the non-virtual will not stand in judgment, nor stragglers into this assembly of our piglets.

For The Boss watches over the way of the piglets, but the way of the bad pig leads to the meat tray.

Apologies:

Psalm 1: (New International Version, 2010) BOOK I Psalms 1:41

Pig’s Psalm 15 – Blamelessness

30 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

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Our Merv

Who may dwell in your sacred pub ?

Who may sip from your hoppish streams ?

The one who can walk across the car park blameless and untouched

by the Hells Angles or the Lambrettistas

Who speaks no scorn of the Rabbits and follows the Tigers meekly

Whose tongue utters no slander

Nor makeths the quip about Voice’s verandah

Who makes no complaint when the wind blows eyebrows

from the skip next to the Pig’s Legs Waxing and Beauty Salon all over his car

Who accepts hot tips but quietly does not bet on losers

Who carries through and keeps the faith

Who is touched for a loan but who expecteths not the repayment – especially from Foodge.

Who does these things may dwell in the Pig’s Arms

and sitteth on the right hand side of the juke box.

Pig’s Psalm 14 – Unto the Pub A Children are Born

24 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

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Simulated picture of Merv, Janet and the twins Viv and Ian

For it came to pass

In the town of Cyberia that to a publican

A child was born.

To be precise two children

Came into the house of Merv and Janet.

Two wise men from the east followed the GPS

Lately installed in their Zephyr car

And brought with them the gifts of

A yeasty extract and an elusive substance of pink.

And they said unto Merv

Be not afraid for these unto you shall bring

Considerable beverage.

And Merv and Janet looked unto the wise men

And they knew that it was good.

And from the car park came a host of Angles

Obtuse, in general, but some acute

But not as acute as the babies.

And looking down upon the babies and their

Generously endowed Mother, they said unto the

Hostelery  gathering

“Coor, these little buggers aren’t  going to go Hungy.

And a general glee swept o’er the host and

The taps were opened and the beverage was bountiful.

And to the gathering sayeth Merv and Janet as one Voice

Behold into the House of the Arms of the Pig

We welcome the twins, Viv and Ian.

And the attending Angles and the good DRMICK and a host of nurses

Gave thanks and broke wedges

After that they broke wind

And laughed and laughed and laughed.

Praise be to the host of the Pub and the Patrons de Porc.

Pig’s Psalm 12 – the Director of Music

09 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

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It is to you, our Waz,  whizz of musicological magic

That we look for inspiration

And a howling reminder of the great tunefulness of the youtube-o-sphere

Thy range is inexhaustible.

Thy tastes hyper-eclectic, tinged with soppiness

But

Counterbalanced with edgy Zappa-like overtones.

And a tendency to lope off into the sunset with a jaunty, sandy-furred carefree gait.

Blessed be you, our Waz for the music is in you and you are in the music.

Amen (Chorus)

Psalm 11 – On Arrogance and Indifference

06 Sunday Feb 2011

Posted by in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

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Why is it, our Merv,

That representatives of telcos

(Whose parents have not entered into wedlock)

Stand at great distance from those in their care

And upon us scorn, indifference and arrogance, they heap.

Why dost thou not simply deny them the libation of barley and the essence of pink ?

For they placeth on hold our inquiry, these many seasons

And they handeth us over to some other goose who knows not the difference

betwixt their anus and their elbow

They knoweth not how to solveth our problems of incomprehensible billing

They dwell in the house of some foreign landlord

Indifferent to our suffering.

To them we insist must go yesterday’s wedges

And the shitty seats close to the men’s urinal.

For the telco-wrath of the Pig’s patrons is great

The memories of the public bar are long

And the honeyed  taste of revenge on the telcos is sweet indeed.

Thus spaketh the customer.

Pig’s Psalm 10 – The Last of the Samaritan

03 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

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In the pub I take refuge (and libation)

How then can Merv say unto me

“Jump in your Zephyr and hit the road

Until you payeth off your tab”

For wicked are the car park youths

And afeared I am of going home hungry and thirsty.

For although broke most of the time I am,

In my heart is the optimism of the debtor

That el Dorado is just over the next hill if

Only this trusty steed of the Ford Motor Company

Shall carry me in fourth (or third for hills).

Merv’s generosity is great

And this inconvenience soon he will overcome.

And in the land of refreshing foamy ale and wafting wedges shall I dwell

Now and in the later evening.

Pig’s Psalm 9 – Death of the Pub Galah

02 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

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Death of the Pub Galah

I      ……… will give thanks to you, our Merv

That all the cold Trotters Ales are

Fulsome of flavour, fresh and crisp

Unfortunate it is we learn that

Charlie our sulphur crested galah has died.

Kicked off his perch within his prime

I heard he was 1 for 31, one time

Now what will we Piglets think of that ?

Did Foodge suspect it was George the cat ?

Instead, should we search out a granny wedge or

Expect that we should blame the hedge ?

Distressed it is we are, our Merv, may we have another serve.

Note: Psalms 9 and / or Ten were alleged to be acrostics.

A Psalm for Foodge

11 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by in Foodge Private Dick, Lehan Winifred Ramsay, Pig Psalms

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.... for gourd's sake

By Lehan Winifred Ramsay

1 What advantage then hath the Publican? or what profit (is there) of circumcision?

2 Much every way: chiefly, because that until the stirring of the Oracles the drinkers were commited.

3 For what if some should not continue their drinking? shall their women sunder the faith without effect?

4 God forbid: yea, let the Gourd be true, and every man a drinker; as it is written, That though mightest be absolved in thy Tab, and mightest overcome The Stirring when thou art served.

5 But if our unrighteous commend the righteousness of Forsaking the Gourd before it Closeth, what shall we say? And Is She who taketh our man Foodge from the Gourd a vain Gent? (I speak as a man)

Pig’s Psalm 23 – the Cole-ridge Rondo

09 Sunday Jan 2011

Posted by in Lehan Winifred Ramsay, Neville Cole, Pig Psalms

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Watering Hole by Lehan Winifred Ramsay

By Neville Cole

THE PIG’S ARMS IS MY WATERING HOLE

The Pig’s Arms is my watering hole,
I shall not thirst;
Emmjay makes me submit green manuscripts.
Shoe leads me beyond sweet poetry;
Warrigal restores my soul.
Atamou leads me in paths of classical righteousness
for Theseustoo, Gerard and Helvi’s name’s sake.

Yea, though I travel through the valleys
of Nairobi and through space, time and alternate realities,
I fear no submission;
for Nev is with me;
Hung’s wit and Viv’s recipes, they comfort me.

Surely Voice, Big M, Lehan, Astages, Gregor and Julian shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
famous pink drinks and Trotter’s ale forever.