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Tag Archives: humor

Geoffrey the Inept VIII – Uva Takes a Break

07 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Big M

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

Geoffrey the Inept, humor, male nurse

Heaven Stent

 

By Big M

The first Senior Nurse’s Meeting of 2011 wasn’t as harmonious as it could have been. Dr James was keen to show of his abilities as a great administrator by producing a power point presentation, complete with graphs and pie charts, of the costs saved by closing wards over the Christmas/New Year period. He was tanned and relaxed after three weeks of annual leave, most of it spent either, at the beach, or indoors with Acacia. He was wearing a crisp, new, white shirt and paisley tie, both purchased at the post Christmas sales. Acacia was poised, ready to take the minutes. She gave him one of those ‘come hither’ smiles that made him feel weak at the knees, amongst other anatomic regions.

James was about to launch into his rehearsed tirade when Uva Kent cut in. “Don’t you dare address this meeting with talk about budget cuts, bottom lines and benchmarking!” She angrily ground her Camel into a Styrofoam cup. “Your penny-pinching staffing cuts have cost this hospital a hundred and seventeen thousand in overtime, over three weeks. Twenty-three complaints about lack of nursing care. Four back injuries because of a shortage in wardsmen, also cut to the bone. Nine to twelve ill patients lying on trolleys in Emergency every night because of lack of beds…”

James held his hand up. “Sister Kent, we are still under budget, because state health will pay the overtime from its emergency fund. This hospital may well have saved the most money on wages over December-January.”

Uva was livid. “Forget about special funds. The total monetary cost is exorbitant, plus the loss of face in the media, as well as injuries from which some staff may never recover.”

“Oh, I really think you’re over exaggerating.” James simpered.

“Exaggerating…” Uva suddenly clutched at her chest. Her face was grey, and her lips moved like a carp on dry land. She collapsed to the floor.

Tess was at her side immediately. “She’s got a pulse. Call a MET Team, and someone grab some oxygen.”

Acacia rang the switchboard, whilst the Marie, the Director of Children’s Services ran to the nearest ward, returning with an oxygen cylinder on a trolley, with various masks and nasal cannulae. Tess quickly fitted a mask, all the time trying to reassure Uva that everything would be OK. Uva just looked up at Tess, clutching her chest with a look of absolute terror in her eyes. James continued to tap away at his laptop at the boardroom table, convinced it was all a sham.

The MET team arrived, and quickly placed an IV cannula, took some blood then ran off an ECG. The lead doctor started speaking on his mobile phone. “Yeah, frail looking, peripherally shut down…T-wave inversion… yeah, you know Sister Kent.” Uva was quickly bundled up onto a trolley, the MET nurse continued to infuse some morphine as they move off to Coronary Care. Tess never left her side, occasionally skipping sideways to get through doorways, all the while holding Uva’s hand, and murmuring encouraging words.

Uva woke up in Coronary Care. Tess was holding her hand. Her throat was a dry, and she was desperate for a smoke. There was an IV in each hand, and ECG electrodes across her chest. Tess leaned forward, her eyes glistened with tears. “You’re awake. Thank Christ, you gave us a scare.” She proffered some water from a plastic cup, with a straw. Uva took a long sip.

Dr Kumar and Dr Campbell swept into the cubicle. “Ah, you’re awake. You’ve had a big inferior infarct, so we’ve inserted a couple of stents, but your heart and lungs are in pretty bad shape. A couple of things; no more smoking. We’ve already started some patches. Your cholesterol is sky high, so you need to start on a statin, and you will, when you’ve recovered start some exercise.” Dr Kumar looked very stern.

Dr Campbell stepped forward, grinning, giving her a little hug. “Thank God you’re OK, girly.” With more than a hint of a Scottish brogue. The two cardiologists left, leaving Tess and Uva alone to listen to the reassuring beeps of Uva’s ECG.

“Tess, there’s one thing you can do for me.”

Tess leaned forward. “Yes, anything.”

“I’m busting for a wee. Help me up.”

Tess shook her head, and then headed for the pan-room. While she was gone, there was an almighty crash from outside the curtains. Two nurses rush in to help the hapless visitor, who’d, not only tripped over the ‘Wet Floor’ sign, but also, had knocked over a mop and bucket. When they helped him to his feet, there stood Geoffrey, half covered in dirty water, a dry bunch of flowers held triumphantly in one hand. “Oh…er…I’m sorry…er Sister.”

Uva held out her hand. Geoffrey stepped forward, and took it. “I was…we were…all so worried….”

“Thanks Geoffrey.” Uva rasped. “I’m a tough old cow…” She finished the sentence with a rasping cough. Geoffrey passed her some water, and helped her sit up. Tess arrived with a bedpan.

“I see you’ve found a younger, male nurse to look after you.” Tess grinned.

“Oh, I’m sorry… I should go.” Geoffrey started backing out of the room, walking straight into the ‘Wet Floor’ sign, this time narrowly avoiding another fall.

Uva spent five days in hospital, and then was taken to Tess’ house to be fussed over, cooked for, and watched like a hawk for any evidence of cigarettes! Naturally, the house overflowed with flowers from various wards, and well-wishers, as well as a case of shiraz and a bottle of gin with a box of Anginine taped to the side, with a plain card, ‘ Get well soon, you old bugger, love from the MaNICS*!’ Uva had tears in her eyes every time a gift arrived, but was careful to hide them from Tess, who seemed to thrive on caring for her.

Dr James was furious. Firstly, Kent, and her cronies, had refused to utilise his award-winning PENIS during the Christmas-New Year rush. Secondly, both Kent and Tickle had taken time off unexpectedly, which meant two people would be acting in higher positions, and being paid accordingly. This would ruin his finely tuned budget. Thirdly, for reasons, which completely escaped him, Acacia had decided to not move into his townhouse, and had called him a ‘dispassionate bastard’. She had also requested a transfer away from the position of his secretary. Ah well, he thought, at least Lynx have a new ‘chick magnet’ fragrance on the market!

*Male Nurses’ Imbibers Club.

Pig’s Psalm 10 – The Last of the Samaritan

03 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

humor, Pig Psalm, Samaritan

In the pub I take refuge (and libation)

How then can Merv say unto me

“Jump in your Zephyr and hit the road

Until you payeth off your tab”

For wicked are the car park youths

And afeared I am of going home hungry and thirsty.

For although broke most of the time I am,

In my heart is the optimism of the debtor

That el Dorado is just over the next hill if

Only this trusty steed of the Ford Motor Company

Shall carry me in fourth (or third for hills).

Merv’s generosity is great

And this inconvenience soon he will overcome.

And in the land of refreshing foamy ale and wafting wedges shall I dwell

Now and in the later evening.

Pistol Palin’s AMERICA

29 Saturday Jan 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Neville Cole, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

humor, North America, Palin

The Pig’s Arms welcomes our new North American Correspondent

Miss Pistol Palin

Hiya everyone! I’m Pistol Palin from Alaska and I’m proud as punch to be the new official North America correspondent for the The Pig’s Arms (I can’t wait to try one of them famous pink drinks)

Now before you even go ahead and ask “no” I’m not related to the ex-governor of Alaska and all-round super woman, Sarah Palin. People up here would laugh at that because it’s a well known fact that Palin is a real common name in Alaska, as common as Smith is in the lower 48, or Chong is in China, or Hitler is in Germany. No, seriously doesn’t it make you sad to think that there are probably thousands of little boys in Germany who are nothing like Obama at all but still get teased every day just because of their name!

Anyway, I know that people all over the world look up to Sarah Palin and I’m not saying I don’t (of course I do, duh) but still my bestest hero in the whole world is my own mom, Sara! She taught me everything I know! She showed me how to shoot and skin a moose, how to make beaver pie and caribou stew, how to drive a dog sled team and how to keep my truck running all winter. Love you mommy! But Pistol Palin’s America is about more than the great state of Alaska because you see in my capacity as the National spokesperson for the Abstinence Now and Forever Foundation I’ve had the opportunity to travel all over and see lots of things and meet lots of Tea Party Patriots.

There’s just so much that I want to share. About things that can make America great again. About things that can fix the whole world and that’s my hope. My hope is that soon we won’t be just talking about how great is it to live in Pistol Palin’s America we’ll be talking how amazing is Pistol Palin’s World!

Boo too Obamacare!

It is a super great day in My America! The brave super smart godfearing Republicans in the senate house (yay!) have unanimousely repealed the job-destroying Obamacare Health (so called) Plan. (boo!)

Obama (double boo) and his communist croneys wont be able to give free doctor care to lazy welfare mothers and illegal Mexicans and make good Americans like me pay for hundreds of millions of abortions a year and peddle free drugs to drug addicts. Also, no old grannys and pappies will have to go before a death panel and have some high priced Washington insider lawyer decide weather they should die or not.

Take that Nancy Pelosi! (boo times infinity) Go back to Soviet Russia where you belong! I am sooooo glad you got fired and that nice Mr Boehner got your old job. He is so much more better a speaker than you it’s not even funny. Anyone can tell how much he cares about America because he cries about it all the time. Have you ever cried about America, Nancy Pelosi? Only about their not being enough taxes I’m sure! The only time Nancy Pelosi cries is when she has to look at herself in the mirror (because she’s so ugly).

Speaking of ugly…I’ll tell you what is ugly with a capital U and 2 double Gs…the job-destroying spending binge Obama has been on for the last two and a bit years! All it has done is leave America with nothing but the most historic unemployment and the most hugest debt in the history of the world and he wasn’t even born in this country. That’s what you all get for voting in an African as president! Go back to Kenya Obama! (boo boo boo)

But now for some of the good news I promised America. Guess what? I’m going to be on another TV show! This ones called “Dancing With The Tea Party Patriots!” I’m going to be paired with Brain Darling (can you imagine – how dreamy is that?) but I am sure to face a BIG challenge from Christine O’Donnell who has only been paired with Tea Party co-founder and all round heartthrob Mark Meckler (as if she wasn’t popular enough already!). The awesome Sarah Palin is going to be one of the judges but even though we are both from Alaska and have the same last name even she might have to vote for the O’Donnell/Meckler team. After all, wasn’t it O’Donnell who proved that teaching sex education in schools was just plain and simply wrong? She pointed out that if kids get comfortable talking about personal yucky things to there teachers, “then suddenly talking to that stranger with candy on the playground is not so creepy.” I know I never talked to anyone about how to do sex and I did just fine! Little Colt is doing great by the way…thanks for asking! I saw him just last week when I was back home during a break from my “Abstinence Now and Forever” speaking tour.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Here’s something my mom used tell me all the time before family shooting time. She’d say: The only thing that can protect us from bad people with guns is good people with more guns! I don’t know that I ever heard a more smarter thing in my whole life.

Until next time…See ya 4 now!

Pistol

Stay Loud and Proud America!

EDITORS COMMENT

As noted by the author herself, Pistol Palin should NEVER be confused with Bristol the daughter or Sarah Palin and world’s most famous teen mother who has since become an abstinence speaker. It is important to note that for one thing Bristol is NOT scheduled to appear on Dancing With The Tea Party Patriots (although she did do quite well on Dancing With the Stars)

OTHER IMPORTANT NOTES:
Nancy Pelosi is the ex-speaker of the house. She was the driving force behind getting Obama’s Health Care plan through the house and senate. She is currently the most hated woman in America…having recently wrestled the crown away from Hillary Clinton.

John Boehner in the new Speaker of the House. He is solidily right of right, has a bright orange tan and has broken down and cried numerous times on TV since becoming speaker – especially when discussing America, the flag, puppies or brave fighting men overseas.

Christine O’Donnell nearly won the Delaware Senate Seat even though Delaware is a traditionally liberal state and O’Donnell is an ultra-right-winger who used to be a witch but who now rallies Tea Partiers against sex-education (she says, for instance, that maturbation is adultery). She also is a staunch creationist; all in all you’re typical Tea Party Patriot.

Brian Darling is a brilliant Tea Party strategist. Enough said.

Mark Meckler is the co-founder of the Tea Party (the most powerful political force outside the NRA since the Moral Majority)
The Tea Party is against any taxes or the government doing anything about anything ever – except for banning abortion, going to war, putting prayer in schools, and, of course, making guns freely available to any god fearing American. Tea Partiers believe that the US Constitution is a sacred document passed down from Jesus to the founding fathers. They also believe that the 2nd Ammendment – the right to bear arms – is the only really important part to worry about. Tea Party is, of course, all in favor of limitless military spending.

Tea Party Theme Song is: War! What is it good for? Huh! Absolutely America!

Friday Night on Saturday

29 Saturday Jan 2011

Posted by Mark in Bands at the Pig's Arms, Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

humor, music, Warrigal

By Warrigal Mirriyuula

 

Getting In Touch With My Inner Gay Guy

It’s a great pity that men who enjoy a little musical theatre every now an then are often dismissed as tired and emotional gays guys with little or no grip on reality. It’s said that the merest sight of Judy Garland can send them into paroxysms of hand flapping and gushing praise.

Well I enjoy a well turned out musical and frankly my inner gay guy has helped me out of some scrapes that the deployment of my more masculine tendencies would have seen me throttled, or worse.

So; got ya tights on? It’s time we went into our dance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icr71H1nb3Q

There’s No Business Like Show Business from Annie Get Your Gun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_C6J9gij5SQ

Oh What A Beautiful Morning from Oklahoma!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuHAh-2xGxw

If I Loved You from Carousel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAYUuspQ6BY

Why Can’t The English Teach Their Children How To Speak from My Fair Lady

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLuwyTzAQH8

Hernandos Hideaway from The Pyjama Game

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QS7wWzwak4

“America” from West Side Story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LzmdovYoAI

Consider Yourself from Oliver

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3oimHJCURbo

The Lambeth Walk from Me And My Girl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wCXr_6wgns

What’s The Matter With Kids Today from Bye Bye Birdie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkRIbUT6u7Q&feature=related

Money Makes The World Go Around from Caberet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95cECKO3-A8&feature=related

I Will Wait For You from The Umbrellas of Cherbourg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GY-dgWfjwM

Lullaby In Ragtime from The Five Pennies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZ9rSeu1CR0

The Music Goes Round and Round from The Five Pennies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_QffCZs-bg

Tonight from West Side Story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMauNjr7_ZE

Tenterfield Saddler from The Boy From Oz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7kzsZreG0o&feature=related

Sit Down You’re Rocking The Boat from Guys and Dolls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bc80tFJpTuo

Sweet Transvestite from The Rocky Horror Picture Show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRnbtRPC6v4

Thank Heaven For Little Girls from Gigi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akGziOmgEvs

Hello Dolly from Hello Dolly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPKH-BJ5rO4

Flash Bang Wallop from Half A Sixpence

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaY4OeSbN30

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire from High Society

Geoffrey the Inept VII – Geoffrey Draws a Short Straw

26 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Big M

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

Geoffrey the Inept, humor, male nurse

By Big M

Geoffrey had drawn the short straw, again. Night shift over the New Year weekend. He’d settled into ‘walking wounded’ area at the back of the Emergency Department. New Year’s Eve was, naturally, busy to the point of chaos. He’d ended up with some patients who’s level of illness was beyond his abilities, and above the level of acuity for his area, yet, he’d held it together, at the expense of, even, getting one short break each night.

 

Even Sister Kent had come down to help. She relieved as the night supervisor over Christmas and New Year to allow ‘the girls’ with ‘littlies’ to take a break. She was in her element, suturing cut faces, inserting IVs, taking blood, and lending plenty of shoulders on which to cry.  At one stage it was complete mayhem, a couple of car accidents generated five adults and two small children, with injuries, there were two victims of separate glassings, who would need plastic surgery, and a bikie, who’d been admitted unconscious, had woken up thinking he was Cassius Clay. Sister Kent walked in, and barked some commands at some junior doctors and nurses. The bikie collapsed as soon as the injection hit his thigh. He was soon in the recovery position, on a bed with some very pleasant medicine coursing through his veins. Everything seemed more manageable at this stage.

Uva tried to exit via the back of ER, when she ran into Geoffrey, who was trying to admit an elderly lady. “Want a hand, Geoffrey?”

“Well, no-one else will, so, yes.” Geoffrey and the ambulance officer had just transferred her onto the bed, and were still trying to assess her.

 

“What’s your diagnosis?”

“She’s got a deficit in global awareness…”

“Not mumbo jumbo uni talk, what’s wrong with her.” Uva had no time for any bullshit.

“Well, she’s disorientated, and may be in pain.”

They both quickly assessed poor old Mrs MacDonald. She couldn’t answer any questions coherently, and moaned. The reason for her moans was pretty obvious. “What do you think is wrong with that leg, Geoffrey?”

“Broken?”

Yes, it’s bloody broken, but where! Here’s a clue. Old lady, probable osteoporosis, externally rotated right thigh, must be a fractured NOF.”

Geoffrey had never heard of a bone called a nof. “I don’t think there’s such a thing.” He thought himself rather clever, what with his university training, and Sister Kent probably hadn’t finished high school.

“Neck of Femur, you dill! Why do you think she’s disorientated?”

“Dementia?”

“No, the ambulance picked her up from her home, where she’s probably been lying on the floor for hours. Uva was getting exasperated. There was no doctor available, so Uva helped Geoffrey immobilize the leg, then inserted an IV cannula, through which, she took various blood tests. She then started some IV fluid to slowly re-hydrate the patient in preparation for her operation.

Geoffrey was amazed. He’d always been taught to model himself on nurses with degrees and qualifications; yet, old Sister Kent could out-perform the lot of them. She went to harass a doctor to write up the request forms, X-Ray form, IV fluid and order some pain relief whilst Geoffrey did another set of observations on his other patients. He narrowly missed being vomited over, then rushed out to get mop and bucket. At least he’d learnt to duck.

Uva rushed off to counsel a family about organ donation, from their daughter, whilst Geoffrey assembled the notes o his new patient. He’d barely sat down when a wards man appeared with a post-op patient on a trolley. The nurse in charge was loudly remonstrating with him about the fact that ER wasn’t a recovery ward. His response was that he only pushed patients from recovery to the wards, and, as far as he was concerned, this was her ward. The nurse was then heard to say, rather loudly, that she’d ‘only’ had a D and C; so silly, bloody Geoffrey could look after her. Whist Geoffrey was personally insulted; he thought it terrible that a patient should be spoken about like that. He stepped forward, and pushed the trolley into the end of his little ward, whilst the recovery nurse quickly handed over. “ Ten weeks… miscarriage…D and C…obs have been stable.” Then disappeared.

Geoffrey didn’t have much idea about ‘D and C’, as he’d fallen asleep during his gynaecology lectures (he hadn’t really, he just couldn’t bring himself to look at the pictures), but thought to himself they probably need the usual observations, plus some check on the level of bleeding, ‘down there’. He pulled the curtains around the bed, introduced himself then started on the usual blood pressure, pulse, and temperature. He didn’t know how to go about checking ‘down there’, so decided to go for it. “Mrs Jones, I’m really, really sorry, but I have to check ‘down there’!” He blurted.

Mrs Jones promptly started to cry. The sobs were interspersed with snatches of words. “Second miscarriage…my little baby…Tom doesn’t even know…that nurse was so rude, only a D and C.”

Geoffrey had no idea of what to do with crying women, or, for that matter, men. He held her hand and said. “ I’m really sorry about the baby. I can’t imagine how you must feel, but my Mum always said she had lots of miscarriages, before she had me. Anyway, if I can just check for bleeding we can call Tom and take it from there.” Geoffrey finished his observations, brought a phone over, plugged it in, and called Mr Jones, who was working over in WA. He explained what had happened, then handed the phone to Mrs Jones. As he turned to leave he slipped in another patch of vomit from one of his patients.

Geoffrey turned to rush to the change room when his little old lady called out. “Porter, porter. Hurry up and get my bags onto the flyer. There’s tuppence in for you!”

“Hello Mrs MacDonald, do you know where you are?”

Mrs MacDonald looked around, suddenly less sure that she was standing on a train platform, in 1961, and more sure that something had happened to her, that had landed her in some alien place. Geoffrey could feel the vomit wet against his skin. “Mrs MacDonald, you’ve had a fall, and hurt your leg, you’re in hospital waiting for an operation.”

Mrs MacDonald looked at her hand, with the IV, then down at her leg.  She suddenly seemed to take it all in, then looked at Geoffrey. “Then why are you covered in filth, young man? Go on, clean yourself up! “She ordered.

Geoffrey returned to Emergency to do another round of observations and found that two of the drunks wanted to discharge themselves against medical advice, which the Resident Medical Officer was quite happy to allow. Geoffrey then called a friend for Mrs Jones, who came promptly to collect her. He’d offered to take her to the shower, but she declined, just quickly dressing in her friend’s spare clothes. She made a point of shaking Geoffrey’s hand, as she left, her eyes still red and puffy.

Mrs MacDonald lay in bed. “You look a bit better now, Porter.” She had a twinkle in her eye. You can call me Peg, what am I supposed to call you?”

“Mr…er…no…Geoffrey.” He smiled. “I’m the nurse who’s been looking after you. We’ve been trying to contact your daughter, but her mobile’s switched off. I guess it is New Year’s Eve…sorry…day.”

“You mean I missed the fireworks, love, must’ve been out of it for a while.” Peg seemed amused by this, but she had a fair dose of morphine, earlier.

Two big bleary-eyed men in theatre scrubs marched in. “Peg MacDonald?”

“Over here.” Geoffrey indicated. “Fractured right NOF.”

The two doctors busied themselves over Peg, and then helped the wards man move her off to the operating theatre. “See you, Porter!” She yelled as she went off.

It was just on five, and Uva sat at her desk, her head in her hands. It was like this every holiday. Wards and clinics closed, staff given leave, theatres and radiology barely staffed, at the busiest time of the year. There were still ten patients in the Emergency Department with no hospital beds to go to, plus four in the recovery ward. This would be partially remedied by the next shift, when she’d opened a half ward staffed by casuals or full timers on overtime. This would cost a bundle. No doubt bean counters like Dr James would claim to have saved the hospital money, by shuffling costs around. Plus she’d fielded various complaints from patients, or their relatives. She shook her head, and then finished her tepid black coffee in one gulp.

Geoffrey was nervous as he knocked on Sister Kent’s office door. “Come.” She rasped from too many cigarettes.

“Geoffrey, sit down…coffee?”

Geoffrey glanced at the coffee pot, which had clearly sat at low tide for many hours, from the telltale stain three centimetres up from the base. “Er…ah…no thanks.” He mumbled, thinking that coffee was to butter him up for the bad news.

“Geoffrey, I’ve had a very serious complaint from one of your patients, overnight.”

Geoffrey’s throat went dry, and his heart rate shot up to about one hundred and ten.

“The patient was intending to take her complaint to the Area Health Service, as well as State Health. She said that the reason that she was going to leave the complaint at hospital level, was the excellent care and compassion she received from the male nurse who cared for her in Emergency.”

Geoffrey blinked and didn’t know what to say. “So, who is this male nurse?”

“You, you dill.” Uva Kent’s eyes crinkled at the corners, then she smiled. “Mrs Jones said that you were the only person who offered to ring her husband, or even recognise that she had lost a baby!”

Geoffrey’s heart rate dropped back to normal. “Thanks, I didn’t really know what to do, so I held her hand and said that I was sorry. Thanks, by the way, for helping me with old Peg. You showed me that even you old, hospital trained nurses know some stuff.”

“Geoffrey, I know that the uni tries to inculcate you younguns with the idea that us ‘old’ hospital trained RNs are stupid, but just open your eyes and look at what some of us old RNs have achieved. By the way, most of us have been to uni, albeit, late in life, I have two Master’s degrees, and am thinking about enrolling in a PhD. Tess, I mean Sister Tickle is half way through a degree in engineering. There are nurses around the hospital who are published authors of crime, biographies, history, and so on.”

Geoffrey was gob smacked. “You’re right, we were told from day one to watch out for the old RNs who knew nothing. I’m sorry Sister Kent.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Geoffrey, you’ve worked hard these last two weeks, and, by the way, if you ditch the strangely worded ‘nursing diagnoses’ and think about what’s actually wrong with the patient, you can easily plan your care from there, now, off you go”. Uva already had another Camel in the corner of her mouth, a one eye half closed as she lit it with a disposable lighter. It was clear that the interview was over.

On The Road…Again

25 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Neville Cole

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

humor

By Neville Cole – former Pig’s Arms North American Correspondent

Boop BOOP boop, boop BOOP boop, boop BOOP boop…

The insistent tones of Skype beckoned me with all the urgency my Dell’s tiny speakers could muster. For three desperate weeks I had ignored its daily implorations but the devilish gravatar of The Pig’s Arms creator, founder and editor-in-chief, Mike Jones, virtually demanded my immediate attention. Trembling slightly, I reached out and clicked “answer with video” which prompted the gravatar to morph into the terrifying digital visage of Mr. Jones himself.

“So you’re alive after all, you old bastard!” Mike bellowed with all the warmth of a merchant marine. “I will cancel the obit I was just about to post.”

“I’m sorry, Mike,” I know I am a little behind on my submissions.”

“A little behind?” Mike guffawed. “I suppose J-Lo is a little behind too? I suppose Kim Kardashian is a little behind? I suppose Jayne Mansfield was a little behind as well!”

I’ve learned when Mike Jones gets on a pun roll it’s best to let him burn himself out, so I sat quietly by and waited which proved to be the right choice because he ended up stopping at three behinds and moving on to his main point.

“You haven’t sent me anything in months!  One day you are all gung ho to join the Movember team and next…you fall off the planet.”

“The Mo looks great, by the way, Mike!”

“Don’t interrupt…” Mike reached up with his right hand to smooth down his brimming moustache. “But thanks, the first mate isn’t too fond of it; but…I think it looks, you know…distinguished. Anyway, that’s beside the point! Do I have to remind you that you are The Pig’s Arms one-and-only official North American correspondent? We are the finest subscription-free online virtual pub and readery in the world and we currently have zero representation from the largest English proficient continent on the planet? What on earth are we paying you for?”

“You don’t actually pay me, Mike,” I noted.

“Now you sound like Hung,” Mike snapped. “Is that what this is all about? A little scratch? You think by withholding submissions you can strong arm me, eh?”

“No, I…”

“Now you listen, Neville and you listen good; because I am only going to offer this once!”

Mike paused momentarily. It’s always difficult to interpret Mike’s intentions exactly as he rarely appears online without his customary guise which includes a pair of highly reflective goggles and a horned cap made of tin foil; but I took the gap in the conversation an invitation to reply.

“I’m listening…”

“First off,” Mike hollered, “you are no longer The Pig’s official North American correspondent. You clearly have no grasp of basic journalism. As a result, this morning I conducted a successful Google search and signed an up-and-coming online reporter who is delighted for the chance to work for t-shirts and pink drink coupons. Her name is Bristol Palin and I am sure her submissions will be timely and…well, timely. ”

“Is that the offer?” I asked.

“No you damn fool,” Mike chirped, “did that sound in any fashion like an offer?”

“Well, it’s just you said I should listen carefully because you were going to make me an offer.”

“I was setting context.”

“I see,” I said, even though in truth, I didn’t.

“It seems your little stories…you know, the ones you used to write?” By now Mike’s voice was quite literally dripping with sarcasm. He had to wipe back driblets off his chin before he could continue. “Anyway, it seems you have piqued the interest an anonymous but substantial fan. He, or she, is willing to offer The Pig’s a hefty sponsorship if we can guarantee regular weekly postings from you.”

“I don’t know, Mike…” I stammered slightly. “I’ve been really busy lately and frankly I’ve been running low on story ideas as well.”

“Hear me out. I’m not done.” Mike cut me off as if the call was costing him a fortune. “I have a plan. I figured you needed a little inspiration. I want you to return to your roots. I want you to do what you do best. I want to send you out on the road…again!”

“You want to send me…” I asked suspiciously.

“All expenses paid,” Mike stammered slightly “within reason, of course.”

“Of course,” I noted.

“The people like it when you rough it a bit,” he added.

“I could make that part up.”

“No,” Mike said with increased emphasis. “It’s better for the stories if that part is real. So…are you interested?”

I have to admit I was interested but more than that I was suspicions.

“What’s the catch?”

“No catch.”

“There’s always a catch, Mike.”

“I’m telling you there’s no catch. I’ve made all the arrangements. Just say the word and I’ll have funds forwarded to you and you can be on your way.”

I was in desperate need of a break from the office and well overdue for a long holiday. I was also pretty certain I could at least get a month off and all in all an all expenses paid trip was a tempting offer indeed. Besides, if I did things right I could set myself up for a dream career. Most my favorite writers – Ernest Hemingway, Somerset Maugham, Spike Milligan, Hunter S Thompson, S.J. Perelman, Bruce Chatwin, Jack Kerouac – did their best work on the road…”

“I hate to interrupt your obvious deep thoughts,” Mike interrupted. “But I need your answer. We have to get this show on the road one way or another.”

“All right, Mike. I’ll do it.” I said without further deliberation. “I’ll just have to make some arrangements at work and put together a plan. I should be ready to head off in a few weeks.”

“A few weeks!” Mike blasted. “We can’t wait that long? We need you out there! Can’t you see? People are clamoring to live vicariously through your adventures! The world needs you on the road now!”

“But I haven’t even had a chance to think about where to go? I need to book flights, find hotels.”

“Just get in a car and drive. This is on the road not in the air! Sure, you might eventually need to take a flight or catch a train or hop on a boat…but that’s not how true adventures start! Don’t over-think this, man…that will be the death of you. Get out there and live in the moment! Then be sure to write all those moments down take a few snapshots and send it all to me post haste!” With that Mike was done with the conversation except for one final parting shot. “I’ll look for the first installment one week from today! Bon voyage!”

The moment Mike hung up my doorbell rung. I rose in a daze, shuffled to the front door and opened it. I was greeted by a man about my age and height, with the eyebrows of Groucho Marx, the haircut of Mo Howard and dressed in the traditional green and gold of the Australian national cricket team.

“G’day Nifty!” he chirped inviting himself in before I asked. “Did Mike chat with you yet?” As the man barged past me I finally recognized him as The Pig’s infamous intergalactic cricket correspondent, Hung One On.

“Hung?” I stammered with little certainty.

“Yeah, of course…who were you expecting?”

“Not you, that’s for sure. What are you doing here?”

“That depends. Did you talk to Mike yet?” Hung asked dropping his duffel in the middle of the hall and making his way directly to the fridge.

“I just got off a call with him,” I answered following the tornado on two legs to the kitchen.

“You bewdy,” Hung laughed. “Then this calls for a celebration! You got any beer?” he asked while ripping open the fridge. “Miller Lite? That don’t sound too good. That all you got?”

“Yeah, ‘fraid so,” I replied already picking up his accent.

“Well, here’s to “On The Road with Hung.” Hung passed me a bottle and took a long gulp of his own. “Strewth! Is this beer or chilled dishwater?”

“On The Road with Hung?” I repeated slowly.

“We can work out the name later, no worries.” Hung took another long gulp draining the remainder of the bottle and instinctively reaching for another. “I just figured you’re writing the stuff so your name is like, a given, you know? Don’t really need it in the title. But, that’s up to you, really. You are writing this stuff, right? You did take Mike’s offer.”

“I took the offer,” I countered “but I didn’t know about…”

“Oh, thank Christ for that,” Hung blurted. “You had me worried there for a minute. Mike’s backup plan was that I would go off alone and pretend to be you. I didn’t like that idea one bit.” Hung smiled warmly and gripped me by the shoulder with his non-drinking hand. ”We’re gonna make a great team you and I… We’ll  be like Dean Moriarty and Sal Paradise… Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo… and Bob Hope and Bing Crosby.”

“Mike didn’t mention any back up plan…”

“I didn’t like it either. No fear. You write too many bloody words. But don’t you worry, I’ll take care of everything. I’ll manage the funds, make the bookings, keep things rolling…  Maybe from time to time I’ll send in a few of my own observations; not to upstage you or nothing! Don’t worry, you won’t have to do a thing but watch and write. We’re gonna make a top team….and guess what I’ve already figured out the perfect first destination for us! Vegas, baby!”

NEXT UP: BEER AND BLOATING NEAR LAS VEGAS

Psalm No 8 – Totally Meaningless

08 Saturday Jan 2011

Posted by Mark in Pig Psalms

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

humor, humour, Pig Psalm, Pigs Arms

Totally Meaningless Picture by Warrigal

There is a pub called the Pigs Arms

That once ran a competition writing pslams

But when old mother Hubbard

went to the cupboard

She found Merv holding kegs in his zephyr

*Work that one into a limerick, I dare you

 

10 Mongrel and the Runt – Fire and Rain

15 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Mark in Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Australia, Dog, fiction, humor, Mongrel, Runt, Warrigal

Story by  Warrigal Mirriyuula.

Pat Hennessey the Fire Warden was walking over as Chook pulled off the highway up through the road gate in the Police Ute. The building had been almost entirely destroyed by the fire and a plume of grey and black smoke was drifting into the sky. The rain had stopped and the clouds that had hung low over the district all day were now beginning to slowly clear. Chook got out and dragged his Wellingtons from the back of the ute. As he undid his bootlaces Pat filled him in.

“Thanks for comin’ out Chook. I would’na ordinarily bothered ya ‘cep’ this isn’ what it first seems. Now that we’ve got the thing pretty much out we’ve found some things about this one that aren’t right.” The warden paused. “For a start we’ve got a body.”

That got Chook’s attention. He quickly looked straight at the warden as he pulled the left Wellington on. “A body?”

“At first it just looked like an outbuilding fire with a few dead sheep but, yeah, then we found the body. Ya better come an’ ‘ave a look.”

The warden turned to walk up the muddy path to the remains of the burned outbuilding. Chook didn’t like the sound of this and the sight of Bagley standing off to the side, his hat dripping and his driz-a-bone glistening in the rain, his arms crossed and a foul look on his face didn’t auger well. Chook pulled on the other boot and followed after Pat.

As Chook caught up to the warden the building was still just alight in spots, tiny flames leaping like dancers across the charred timber. Most of the ruin was smoking and steaming as the firemen played water over the blackened mess. There was the distinct sickly stench of burned wool, sheep flesh and diesel.

The smoking pile had been used to store feed and hay, odd tools, discarded machinery and obviously fuel for the tractor. The foundations, floor and gabled end walls of the building were constructed from local rubble blocks mortared with lime cement made from Molong limestone. The front and back had been timbered with thick axe cut slabs. An iron roof had replaced the original Sheoak shingles over the rough timber trusses. It had survived for well over a hundred years, an iconic piece of bush architecture, a practical and pragmatic building from the very earliest days of white occupation. The stone and heavy timber walls providing some security for early shepherds worried about aboriginal attacks as the white man’s mutton invasion continued inexorably into the Wiradjuri lands beyond the early colony’s Limit of Settlement.

The roof iron had collapsed into the building and lay, twisted, still hot, amongst the ash and charred wall slabs, roof beams and trusses. The carcasses of the dead sheep lay in a deep bed of ash, all in one corner where they had no doubt retreated from the flames only to be trapped and burned alive. Chook noted they had been rams, the blackened bony cores of their horns clearly visible. Chook felt a shiver run up his spine. Were these the prize Merino rams that Bagley claimed had been interfered with? No wonder Bagley looked dark. This could put a whole different complexion on the day.

As Chook followed the warden around to the rear of the building the smell changed and then there where the wall had partially collapsed out, Chook saw inside, the body; only the head and shoulders were visible, all tangled in charred timber and bent iron, the head reduced to a leering skull with adhesions of cartilage, charred flesh and burnt hair. The eyes had cooked in their sockets. The lips, shrunken back revealing blackened gums; the teeth, big, strong and dazzling white against the black, gave the appearance that the skull was laughing hysterically. Chook gagged and shivered again. It was unsettling, gruesome to look at. This burnt offering had once been a human being.

The warden stood back as Chook tried to get a better look at the corpse. He leaned inside the wall line. The whole business was still smoking and the smoke was getting in Chook’s eyes. He pulled his head away, his eyes watering. He reached out to get his balance and leaned on the rubble-stone wall. The stone was still uncomfortably hot and Chook pulled his hand away too quickly, loosing his balance and falling on his bum in the mud.

“Bloody fantastic!” said Chook, getting up to wipe the mud of his uniform serge.

“Yeah, we’ll have to wait until the whole thing’s cooled down before we can get the body out.” the warden offered a little too late for Chook’s griddled hand and muddy bum.

“Yeah, let’s do that.” Chook said sourly, but enjoying the soothing relief the mud was providing his hand. He waved it around a bit.

“Listen, has Bagley offered anything on the cause or nature of the fire? Bagley was still pacing some way off, his face a mask of dark animus.

“Hasn’t said a word mate” pulling his head to one side, chin in, and looking at the ground. “Not a dicky bird.”

Chook’s eyes narrowed and he looked over at Bagley. “That’s not like him.” His gaze stayed on Bagley.

“No mate it’s not.” The air between the men thickened with suspicion as they both kept Bagley in their gaze. “Once ‘ed arrived I expected to get chapter and verse on fire fighting delivered in the usual style.” The warden paused and looked at Chook. “’e ‘asn’t said a word, to anyone. Not a word. He’s just stood there were ‘e is. Highly unusual I’d say.”

“So he wasn’t here when you arrived. Who reported the fire?”

“Miss Hynde at “The Pines” over on the other side of the valley.” The warden pointed to a cottage about two miles away on the opposite side of Molong Creek, nestled in a corner where two tall stands of old Monterey Pines met. The little white house was magically aglow in the deep dark green of the pines, at that moment illuminated, picked out in a beam of sunlight breaking through the dispersing rain clouds. “You can see the whole valley from her place.”

Chook was momentarily transfixed by the uncanny scene. He shook his head and deliberately looked at Pat.

“Does Bagley know about the body?” Chook looked back at Bagley.

“Well the men got pretty excited when they first saw it. There was some shouting and hoying but I don’t know whether Bagley knows or not. Like I said, ‘e hasn’ come any closer than “e is now since ‘e arrived.”

The fire was out and the rest of the fire crew had begun to rake out the embers to spread the heat and hasten the cooling. They were about to start pulling off the crumpled iron when Chook shouted for them to stop. The firemen stopped and turned looking to the warden for direction.

“What’s on ya mind Chook? The warden asked while the men waited.

“Something about this doesn’t sit right.” Chook said with classic understatement. He took a good long slow look around the area. “Look it could be anything at this stage. Misadventure, suicide, manslaughter, or it might be murder. I’m gonna have to call it a crime scene anyway, so no one touches anything until I can get the Inspector out from Orange. How much water have you got left in the tanker? Have ya got enough to just keep damping the hot spots?”

“Yeah, sure; we’ve prob’ly got a couple a hundred gallons left. If we run low we can call the other tanker but I don’t think that’ll be necessary. Why, whata ya thinkin’?”

Chook didn’t feel like explaining himself. He wasn’t sure he could anyway, but there was a growing feeling that the thing better be done by the book. Whatever had gone on here, it wasn’t simple. There was a whole lot more that Chook didn’t know. This was MacGuire’s land, his building; those were probably his rams; which meant Bagley was going to be a fixture of the investigation.

Chook wasn’t certain about what he was thinking and decided that a simple cover story would hold the warden. “Have you met Inspector Beuzeville from Orange? He’s a stickler for the regs. We’ve got a body therefore this is a crime scene until it’s released by the Inspector.”

“Whatever you say Chook.” The warden was happy to be shot of the responsibility of being boss of the fire. It’d save him from having to deal with Bagley. If the police said this was a crime scene then a crime scene it was. Someone else could do the worrying.

“I want your men to pace out 50 yards in all directions from the fire. Then they’re to stay outside that perimeter except for the bloke on the hose and he should try and move around as little as possible. As soon as there’s no more smoke or steam, he has to move outside the perimeter.” Chook looked over at Bagley again. He’d have to talk with him. “I’m gonna have a yack with Bagley then I’ve got some calls to make. I’ll get someone out here as soon as I can, just make sure that there’s someone here all the time until he gets here. I’ve got a feeling in me water about this one.”

“Whatever you say Chook.” the warden said again, taking his cue from Chook’s serious tone. He turned and shouted at the firemen, “Righto, disconnect the pumps, pack it up. Bob you hook up to the tanker and run the little pump. Set ya nozzle to spray and just keep it playing over the hot spots. Mick, you pace out and mark a fifty-yard perimeter; and remember, all of you, don’t move anything, don’t disturb anything. This is now a crime scene, the cops are in charge.” The half dozen young volunteer firemen got to it. Mick was pacing out the perimeter and flagging it with tagged stakes, the others were emptying and rolling the hoses. The one called Bob had reconnected to the tanker and started the little petrol pump. He took up a position on the high side of the blackened ruin and commenced damping down.

Chook walked over to Bagley who had stopped pacing and was looking blackly at Fowler.

“You took ya bloody time Fowler.” Bagley always started every encounter with an insult or criticism. “If you’d been here first thing like I said maybe this wouldna happened.” Bagley let that sink in. “Those bloody rams were worth a small fortune. Every one of ‘em’s a ribbon winner.” His anger and frustration were plain.

Chook wasn’t in the mood for Bagley. He had no patience for the man’s abrasive and insulting way.

“Ya can’t go up there Bagley. It’s a crime scene for the next few days. I’m gonna have ta call in the D’s from Orange.”

“What, can’t handle a little fire Fowler” Bagley smirked.

That was it. Chook had about as much from Bagley as he was gonna take. The man was unfit for civilised congress.

“Look Bagley, there’s a dead body in the back corner. This “little fire” is much more important than the loss of some bloodstock no matter how valuable they mighta been. Bloody hell man, the rams are insured aren’t they?”

Fowler was just hitting his straps. “A man’s dead Bagley. Burned liked a forgotten Sunday roast.” Bagley didn’t react and didn’t seem to care. Just like the bastard, thought Chook.

“You don’t go closer than fifty yards and if I find out you have, then I’ll arrest you for interfering in a police investigation.” Chook looked Bagley straight in the eye “Have ya got that?”

“Ya wanna watch ya self Fowler. I’m not without influence round here.” Bagley threatened, inflated with pride, “While ever I’m manager here I’ll go where I damn well please and do what I need to.”

The fact that a dead man had been found on the property he managed didn’t appear to be figuring in his calculations at this point. To Bagley it was obviously a bloody inconvenience but essentially someone else’s problem. “What about my bloody rams?”

“MacGuire’s rams Bagley. Remember? You’re just the help.” Chook was really getting on Bagley’s tits now, he could see it, and saw no reason to back off. “I’ve had enough of you Bagley. You may think you’re a big wheel round here but to me ya just a bully; a loud mouthed common thug. Those you can’t thump ya threaten. You push ya luck on this and you’ll find out just what the NSW Police are capable of. Have I made myself clear enough now?”

Chook always felt a slow surge of blood when he invoked the brotherhood of the force.

“You’ll regret this Fowler. I’m not a man to make an enemy of.” Bagley was fuming. He spat into the mud, turned and walked back to his Land Rover.

“I’ll need to talk to you later. Make sure you’re somewhere where I can find you.” Chook shouted at Bagley’s retreating back.

“You can go to buggery Fowler. I’m sure you know the way.” Bagley got in the Land Rover and took off down the valley towards the main homestead, on his way to report to MacGuire.

Chook wondered what made a man like Bagley. Even a dead body didn’t move him. He had no friends so far as the Policeman knew; and though he was married, he and his wife had no children. All he had was his job at MacGuire’s, his own high opinion of himself and an indefatigable drive to get what he wanted no matter the cost to those around him.

He was a brutal boss known for violence against casual hands. He’d blinded a young rouseabout in a fistfight when Chook was a teenager. He’d been charged with grievous bodily harm but the charges were dropped when the complainant failed to show for court. There was talk he’d been paid off.

Over the years there had been many stories of Bagley’s cruelty and he reserved a specially callous contempt for the Fairbridge boys he took on, treating them little better than the animals themselves and reminding them all the time that they were the waste and detritus of the empire and they should be bloody grateful he employed them at all. In short he was a shit of a man in Chook’s opinion, and this investigation was going to be all the more difficult with him involved.

Fowler got on the radio in the ute and contacted the station in Orange. He made a quick report to Inspector Beuzeville who agreed it was suspicious and that it should be looked into more thoroughly. He couldn’t come right away; he’d be out at 6AM tomorrow morning. Best to get the body out before the heat of the day. In the mean time the Inspector told the Sergeant to secure the scene, cover the body as best you can and no one to touch anything, he’d bring the Coroner’s Pathologist and a police photographer with him, “Over and out.”

Chook got out of the ute and walked back up to the burnt out building. He told the young fiery that he had to go into town but that there’d someone back in an hour to relieve him. The young bloke just nodded as he distractedly continued to hose the sodden remains of the building.

Chook got in the ute and took off back into town. The sky was now clearing rapidly and the road was steaming as the afternoon sun came out from behind the clouds. There were still several hours of light yet and there was a lot Chook wanted to get done before Beuzeville came out in the morning. He’d get young Molloy to sit the night watch at the scene, Chook wanted to talk with Miss Hynde and he’d have to beard Bagley at home; and just to be sure he’d talk to MacGuire too, if he wasn’t down in the smoke.

This was more like it, Chook thought. Real Police work, hopefully with a real outcome. This wasn’t dealing with drunks or scolding kiddies, or another turn in the eternal dance with Jack. This was meat and potatoes Police work.

There weren’t that many bodies turn up in Molong in suspicious circumstances and Chook always took these cases very seriously. People needed to know what happened and the dead man, lying in the cooling ruin, that horrible skull silently screaming for justice, he would have one last mate and Chook wasn’t about to let a mate down.

Chook realised at that moment that though procedure required an open mind, the gut feeling that was developing deep inside him was insistently shouting “foul play”. Chook had learnt young not to deny his gut feelings, but what had exactly gone on here was still a mystery waiting to be deciphered.

Chook put his foot down and for the first time in months turned on the siren.

Shock Link Between Gretsch and Lennon Suggests Communist Plot

13 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

fiction, humor, Lenin, Lennon

In rapidly unfolding developments from Afga today, an Email traced by the APF (Another Pathetic Fuckwit) to Orrigalway, revealed an undeniable link and a possible Communist plot –  between two characters of the moment:

The Email reads :

Mear JM

I hab fotaphic, fotogab,  pruf of connextyon, lungk, ti up  between Grech and Lennin. Ziz komi plod.
C attamens

 

Dizzy

The photographic evidence taken by the Greco-Sino papparazo Photos Hop is unassailable.

This is without a doubt the “smoking gun” to which “Smokin’ Joe Hockey has been referring

 

9.1 The Adventures of Mongrel and The Runt – A Tea Party

12 Sunday Dec 2010

Posted by Mark in Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Australia, Dog, fiction, humor, Mongrel, Runt, Warrigal

By Warrigal Mirriyuula

Beryl had boiled the kettle and their tea was now brewing while she made some sandwiches. This morning’s shopping had taken a little longer than they thought and so it would be a light lunch rather than tea and a bun.

Alice had gone quiet since their almost encounter with Doc and Gruber, and Beryl was casting around in her mind for a way to broach the subject anew, perhaps help her friend get to grips with what Beryl now thought of as the “The Doc Problem.”

Alice’s quiet ruminations got there first and out of the blue she began to list the items on the positive side of the ledger.

“I have enormous professional respect for Doc.” She said nodding with that respect, “You know I trained and worked at RPA,” she knew whereof she spoke, “well Doc is a better diagnostician and a better physician than any I met there. Molong is very lucky to have him.” Alice pursed her lips, paused momentarily, as if hooking up the next component of her analysis. “He’s got a generous nature and a terrific bed side manner.” This last attribute though, was somewhat problematic, but she’d deal with that later. “He really does care for his patients, both bodily and spiritually.” Lips pursed again; “Hmmm”, that wasn’t quite right. Doc was known for denying the role of the spirit in human affairs. The care and curing of the body, the defeat of the various ails and ills it’s prone to, a matter of science and skill according to Doc. “Apart from his “godlessness” he’s a good man.”

“Godlessness,” Alice was surprised at the vehemence with which Alice had imbued the word and just had to jump in. “I wouldn’t say Doc was “Godless”. I think he believes in his own way.” but she wasn’t so sure about this. Maybe Doc was agnostic, but she wasn’t about to start the negative ledger with an uncertainty. “It might be that God works through Doc without permission.” Beryl looked over at her friend hoping her little joke might have lightened her mood. It hadn’t, so she continued, “Anyway, isn’t the important thing that he’s a good man and a wonderful doctor? His patients all love him. There are some women in this town that see Doc as some kind of Christ like figure.”

Beryl smiled as she and Alice both pictured Mrs. D, who even now would be putting the finishing touches to a meal fit for a vice regal dinner, let alone a Monday lunch for two doctors.

“I don’t think this has anything whatsoever to do with God Alice. He didn’t make the rules you’re applying to Doc.” Beryl said speculatively. She went on to explain, “When I was a young girl on the farm, even before I went to school, I loved the bible stories Mum and Dad read to me at bedtime. It seemed there was always a lamb in the story and I thought how lucky I was to be surrounded by lambs. To me it was as if Jesus was everywhere.” Beryl smiled inwardly as she remembered those pre-war days filled with sunshine and innocence. “That’s remained the shape of my faith ever since. Jesus is everywhere working with the faithful to do better and helping those who have lost the way, or never found it. Doc isn’t “Godless” Alice. That would mean that God had abandoned him and I can’t believe for a moment that Doc’s skill and knowledge aren’t God given.” It wasn’t usual for Beryl to interrogate her faith like this. She liked the stories, hers was a narrative faith and the more she thought about it the more certain she was that Doc’s story seemed to fit the mould; a good man struggling with life to find meaning and purpose. Besides, she was married to a good man who had trouble with his faith, and with good reason, she’d always thought.

“All sorts of things happen in life. You meet all sorts. The good people you cherish. The bad ones you turn away from.” Beryl began to wonder herself where she might be leading with this. “People can be a bad lot, do terrible things. Compassion and forgiveness seem at the heart of it for me.” Yes, that was it! “Don’t you think you could be a little more forgiving towards Doc? After all, he can’t know the rules you’re failing him on.”

That was the truth of it, Alice thought as she heard again her mother’s vituperative hissing whisper in her ear, “Men are evil thoughtless creatures; manured pasture for the devil to grow discord and division. Drunkards, whoremongers and criminals, the lot of them.” It was painful to remember.

Alice began to cry as she further remembered her father going quietly to an early grave. Having married for love he then failed throughout that marriage to meet his wife’s high standards of Godliness and Christian rectitude; but he never stopped loving her and Alice had never heard him utter a single word of criticism or dissatisfaction. Alice remembered again as she often did in times of trouble, his gently holding her hands in his and telling her of the love he had always felt for her, how proud he was of her accomplishments in nursing; his body emaciated by disease, his face a hollow sepulchral mask animated only by the fire in his eyes as the cancer ate away at him leaving little but pale skin and the bone almost visible beneath that loose papery blue and white sack. He’d been a big man, well liked outside his family, respected even, in that way that quiet, uncomplaining hard workers are in a country town.

His diagnosis had prompted his suggestion that Alice attend the Royal Prince Alfred Nursing School. He’d worked right up to his final illness to pay for it; and suddenly, today, as the rain rattled on the iron roof of the pub, she realised why. As her parents’ marriage descended into a siege of attrition and the progress of her father’s disease continued inexorably, her father, in his usual quiet way, had been trying to free his beloved daughter from the malign influence of his demanding wife and the spectacle of a decaying and cankerous marriage. To provide her with an experience of the wider world, different people, to make the place in which Alice might find herself and begin to make her own decisions, free from her mother’s rules and constant criticism. And now here she was, a grown woman, both parents gone, and she was still applying her mother’s malignant rules to the only man she’d ever felt anything for. She couldn’t help her feelings; not her love for Doc or the uncertainty she felt about him. As she had always been she was torn between her parents, between her past and a possible future.

Bee laid a comforting arm over Alice’s shoulder. “It doesn’t have to be like this Alice. Why can’t you just tell him how you feel? It’s nonsense you saying you don’t know. You can’t even think about him without losing your composure.” She offered Alice her hankie to dry the small tears and they both settled to sip their tea and quietly eat their sandwiches.

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