Simulated simulated picture of Ricardo

Taa daa.

I got so fed up with women lying on internet dating websites…. here are some examples…

• curvaceous = clinically obese
• weight ‘would rather not say’ = even fatter than curvaceous
• looks are important = a vacuous, silicon chested gold digging bimbo
• looks ‘very attractive’ = had plastic surgery and botox
• looks ‘I’m hot ‘ = had plastic surgery, botox and a facelift
• don’t mind if you smoke = she smokes likes a chimney
• alcohol consumption defined as ‘moderate’ = raving alcoholic
• job = Doctor/Medical = receptionist in a clinic

…. so I decided to embellish my own profile slightly as follows:-

• Height = 5 ‘ 1″
• Weight = 18 st 12 lbs
• Tattoos= inked all over
• looks – ‘don’t look great’
• Exercise = never
• Heavy smoker
• Heavy drinker
• Favourite hobbies = karaoke especially Mozart
• Income = less than £7,000 p.a.
• Occupation = workman
• Favourite Book = ‘If I can make my personal fortune selling ceiling fans to Eskimos then so can you’ by Antonio Robbins
• Favourite pets = reptiles

  Simulated actual photo of Ricardo

Description of myself (if this doesn’t have peroxided strumpets banging on my door the nothing will…)

• An existentialist couch potato who loves to live life in the fast lane.
• I’m so hard up I can’t pay attention.
• My favourite hobby is to go scuba diving so I can stare at tourists through the hulls of glass bottomed boats
• I want to meet a girl who knows that Perrier is not French for ‘Tap’.
• I have slight physical impediment: a limp. I was once sat in traffic and got run over…
• If you think you can keep up with my turbo-charged lifestyle then feel free to get in touch.

To my utter amazement, I have so far had no takers….

Will this qualify me for being the dating guru of the Pig’s Arms??