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Author Archives: Therese Trouserzoff

Unaustralian Australians at the Museum of Sydney

15 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cricics, Critics, Everyone's a Critic, Emmjay

≈ 36 Comments

Tags

52 Suburbs of Sydney, Australian Concentration Camps, Louise Hawson

FM, FM’s Mum and I went to the Museum of Sydney today to check out Louise Hawson’s photo exhibition –  52 suburbs of Sydney.   It’s highly recommended.  You should go if you can.

I was amazed to learn that there are currently 638 suburbs in Sydney.  Louise visited a fairly wide-ranging selection – one each week for a year.  She said that she took photographs for three days, spent another two working on them and then grouping them into related pairs.   Six days a week for a whole year.  And of course, she’s just scraped the surface.  She asks the rhetorical question “Just where is the suburb called ‘Canoelands’ and what might the good people of that suburb do ?”  Damned good question.

It brought home to me how amazingly culturally diverse our city  of many tribes has become – from the Anglo white bread village of my youth to quietly (with the exception of the occasional Cronulla race riot) morph into something unrecognisable as a suburb of  the middle of last century .  Dramatic change – in a good way.

Thinking that a city of four and a half million people that grows (apparently) at the rate of 1,000 people per week might in any way be comprehensible at a glance is clearly a big mistake on my part.  Louise’s exhibition is a wonderful study of colour, contrast, character and texture and her use of diptychs comparing and contrasting time and place and cultural reference is brilliant.

So – it’s a fascinating study, which BTW leads into two other really important small exhibitions.  First was a history of WWI German internment camps in NSW – Berrima Gaol, Holdsworthy and Trial Bay camps.

Holdsworth Internment Camp about 1915 (Government documents of the time refer to it as a "concentration" camp)

This is an extraordinary story about how about 7,000 people of German origin – even Australian citizens were locked up – some for six months after the WWI armistice.  Many were deported back to a devastated Germany.  These clearly dangerous and criminal krauts included none other than Herr Resche (whose Australian born sons were running his breweries while he was interred, and Australia’s only specialist orthopaedic surgeon of the day.  There was a class system where the wealthier German Australians got a better gig in a northern beach-side encampment.  And in addition the camps were run on a law of the jungle system where the “Black HandGang” at Holdsworthy terrorised other inmates and extorted and victimised them for gain – until remaining members of the crew of the Emden were interred with them, formed the “White Hand Gang”, and beat the crap out of the “Black Hand Gang”.  These beatings included throwing victims (deserving and otherwise, apparently) amongst the barbed wire while the guards turned a blind eye.

It makes it easier to understand the obscene way that Australians of many different ethnic backgrounds are so easily able to turn a blind eye to the plight of refugees – we’ve had form.

Then we went into an adjacent exhibition on housing in Australia.  There he was – the beaming visage of famous Viennese refugee architect, Harry Seidler –surrounded by images of his wonderful creations – Rose Seidler House (1950).

BTW Rose Seidler House is the venue for  the annual 1950’s fair at Wahroonga on August 16.  Don’t miss it hep cats and cool kitties.

 

Seidler’s  MLC Centre remains one of the CBD’s iconic buildings.

Construction started in 1960 (completely obliterating the delightfully bohemian Rowe Street) and was completed in 1967.  MLC Centre was for a very long time the tallest building in Australia at sixty something stories.  It was my workplace for five years in the middle 1980s.  The view from level 41 was spectacular.  The lifts were something less than spectacular and offered a service reminiscent of Sydney’s public transport systems.

And they also had pictures of the arsehole of Sydney Harbour landscape – Seidler’s Blues Point Tower.  We used to live across the harbour in Birchgrove and had to look at this eyesore every day.  I used to fantasise about starting a fund to buy all the units in there and pull the bastard building down – it is so ugly.  I gather that the alternative strategy is to save up, buy one of the tightly-held / rarely-sold units and look outwards.

But then the exhibition’s images looped back to another form of Australian ugliness – and perhaps the definition in my view of a total lack of charity and uncaring mongrel behaviour.

This image – reproduced without all the palaver that the State Library insists is necessary to have permission to republish, is a picture of William Roberts and his family – evicted from their home in Redfern in 1934.  William Roberts was an original Anzac.  And this is how he was treated.

My Mom used to tell me stories about the depression.  Her Intermediate certificate is dated 1939.  She got an A in History.  She said that neighbours used to help evicted families by waiting until the bailiffs had left and then break into the house again to let the evicted people back in.  If a landlord was such a bastard as to want to try it again, he would risk having the place burnt down – with a not-surprising lack of witnesses.  Not helpful for William, but not a bad way to discourage a lack of landlordly compassion.  My Dad used to tell me about how a kid with a pair of shoes to wear to school was the mark of a wealthy family.  And he also told me how the poorer kids used to beg apple cores from the richer kids because they were so hungry.

So while it is fashionable to wax on lyrical and wallow in the “Tradition of ANZAC”, it should not be forgotten about how Australia has a well-developed cultural capacity to act like total bastards towards those less fortunate in our midst.  Can’t accuse us of playing favourites, though.  We mistreated both ANZACS and Australian citizens of German descent.  We seem to have at least a hundred years’ practice at being bastards.  Probably twice that, really.

This visit to the Museum of Sydney (that likes to call itself the MOS for short) is a very worthwhile experience – this time, especially so.  It shows us at our best, culturally diverse, colourful, tolerant and inclusive, and also reminds us of how bad we can truly be if we try really hard.

COG

11 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Lehan Winifred Ramsay

≈ 52 Comments

COG

The Pig’s Arms warmly welcomes the return of Lehan Winifred Ramsay

At first in my dreams I found all the people and all the moments that I had lost, and I felt despair. But they came back night after night, each plot new and yet connected to the others. I realized that all these people and moments were now mine forever, and were performing only for me. They can never do better or worse than they have already done, but they are forced to stay with me in these dreams. And I can move on.

Cancer Can Kiss My Crease – the Waz Update

06 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 31 Comments

Dogital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

A Letter to the Ed and Picture from Medicare Central….

Dear Mike,

The white coated kadaitcha men gathered at the bottom of my bed this morning, sagely conferring over my latest blood  and urine results. “Looks like we’re getting it.” one of them opined under his breath, though there was still a little uncertainty in his tone. “Mmm”, said  the other, not committing either way. One of the little nurse angels grips my hand quietly and Sche, who has been a tower of strength, an absolute brick, smiles indulgently and kisses me, whispering, “You’ve won a heart there.”

The kadaitcha men continue to confer. They are now looking over pathology results relating to some grotesque little section of tissue that was previously me, but is now the object of their arcane interest. Apparently they’re quite pleased with themselves, their results. I remind them, in a quick efficient display of charm, that I’m in the room, I can both see and hear them, and they can include me in the conversation if they like. The tiny nurse angel giggles under her hand.

My intrusion into their collogue seems to surprise them. “Yes, of course,” says the consulting oncologist, a small Greek chap with an odd fancy for tweed suits and velvet waistcoats. “Well look, it’s all good news. All your results are within expected parameters, some are very good. In fact we think we’ve got it. You’re not clear yet but these numbers are very encouraging.”

Of course I immediately turn to Sche and sing, “By George I think they’ve got it!” Sche laughs and replies’ “indeed they have.” All of which goes over the doctors’ heads because neither of them has probably ever seen “My Fair Lady”.

To cut to the chase, it turns out that my cancer was or is, as the kadaitcha men said at the beginning, tiny, early and entirely manageable. I probably could have shouted at it and it would have run away. However I still have to continue with the treatment they say, though it will get easier now, and there’s a possibility that they will be able to limit the course to a mere six weeks depending on next weeks’ results.

The treatment remains much worse than the disease, though it transpires that my extraordinarily uncomfortable passage through last week was “not normal” and resulted from a faulty catheter messing up a particular dose of the genetic wonder drug they’re using on me. I’m assured that there has been no lasting damage and indeed the higher dose may have helped bring on the results the kadaitcha men are so happy with. No harm no foul.

So, it’s all good, and as I said to the oncologist, “Cancer can kiss my crease!”

In a few weeks anyway.

(“Ommmmmmmm, every day in every way I am getting less and less cankerous, ommmmmmmmm”)

Fondest regards to the pork chops.
W

Ry Cooder – A Musical Career with Great Collaborations

02 Saturday Jul 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Entertainment Upstairs

≈ 11 Comments

Buena Vista Social Club – Chan Chan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXwLBS3yUkA 

Ry Cooder and Bobby King – Chain Gang

Ry Cooder – Music for Wim Wender’s 1984 Film – Paris, Texas

Ry Cooder, David Lindley. Terry Evans, Bobby King, (Joachim Cooder on percussion) – Jesus on the Mainline  – New Orleans Jazz 1984

…. And Ry played with John Lee Hooker and the Rolling Stones (check the soundtrack to the early Jagger Movie “Performance” –

Here they are …

Ry and Taj – Corinna

….with VM Bhatt – Ganges Delta Blues.

… with Mali greatAli Farka Toure …..  Talking Timbuktu

… the Pahinui Brothers, David Lindley and Jim Keltner – Jealous Guy ..

…. and Flaco Jiminez… – Goodnight Irene

Foodge 27 – Merv Spills One

30 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Big M

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Foodge; Merv; Humour

Not the black one, the grey one......

Story by Big M.

Foodge had slept half of the day after his workout with the Pig’s Arms crew, so showered, dressed in his second best suit, unsuccessfully tried to beat his black  Fedora back into shape, gave up, and decided to wear the grey one that ‘shoe sent from South Australia. He sauntered into the Main Bar half hoping to catch up with Wes , to finalise the surf gang investigation and fully hoping to avail himself of some brews. “Pint of Trotters, thanks Merv.” As he gingerly mounted the bar stool, using the footrest to push his flabby buttocks all of the way onto the seat.

Merv complied. Foodge downed the amber liquid in one long gulp. “Another, thanks Merv.”

“No, Foodge, that’s it. We’re gunna wean you orff the piss, and try’n get you fit!”

“But…psht…arr…but, you can’t. I’m a paying customer!” Which wasn’t strictly true, as Foodge only sporadically paid his tab.

“Listen, Foodge, this is for you own good!” Merv’s brows were even more firmly knitted together. “I don’t want you to end up they way I used to be.”

“What’s the John Dory, Merv?” Foodge was down with the young people’s way of speaking, back in the 50’s.

“Listen Foodge, I’ll tell yer this once, and once only, and if yer tell anyone else, I’ll job ya, OK?”

Foodge nodded.

“I’m a reformed alcoholic” Merv was deadly serious.

“But you drink beer all day.” Foodge immediately thought he had the upper hand.

Simulated non-alcoholic beverage (not actual size)

Merv shook his head. “Cold green tea, fizzed up in the Soda Stream, very refreshing, and gives you punters a good impression.” Merv poured Foodge a pint of carbonated green tea to try. “Anyway, it all started when I was in the coppers. Beryl came and made allegations of cheating in the local African Violets Growers Competition. She alleged that a well-known identity, who shall remain nameless, but was married to the, then, mayor, had cheated by illegally importing African Violets from Africa, and entering them in the competition. I knew it wasn’t a police matter, but I went ahead, seeing as how Beryl was good to all of us kids when I was a little’n. He stopped to have a long pull from his pint.

African violence

“I managed to find a paper trail all the way from a wholesale grower in Africa, all the way to the local identity’s address. Took the evidence to the DCI only to be told, in no uncertain terms, to drop it. So I did, much to my shame.” Later that year Beryl came to me again alleging that the same person had cheated at the Lewisham Fair Sponge Baking Competition. Once again, paper trail all the way from a well known hotel in Sidney, all the way to ‘er letterbox. This time I didn’t let Beryl down, I went straight round to ‘er ‘ouse and arrester ‘er. Unbeknown to me, one of my colleagues managed to ‘lose’ all of the evidence, and I was in strife for wrongful arrest.” Merv couldn’t look Foodge in the eye, which was good, because Foodge was bloody uncomfortable hearing all of this.

“The other blokes started pickin’ on me. You know? Little things like decoratin’ me locker with icin’, or dispatchin’ me to an incident at a flower show, and so on.” Merv had a tear in his eye. “I loved bein’ a copper, but I couldn’t go on. The whole of the pleece force knew all about it, blokes used to snigger at me, ‘here comes the patty cake police’. I’d ‘ad enough. Took redundancy, and hoped to open me own private detectin’ business.” Merv stopped to blow his nose.

Cruel cake for a policeman

“Never took off, no contacts in the coppers, not like you ‘n’ O’Hoo, ‘e’s a good mate to you.” Foodge nodded. “Started drinkin’ in ‘ere every night, lookin’ for contacts, an’ woke up every mornin’, face down in me own piss ‘n’ spew. One mornin’ Granny rolled me over,  slapped me across the face, and said to me. ‘Merv, you’re a good man, you need a job, and I need a barman, so let’s get it sorted!’”

“So, who taught you how to fight?” Foodge was eager to get as much out of Merv as possible.

“Doctor Umentry was me first trainer.”

“What, the old bloke who owns the gym, is he a doctor? Maybe I should se him?” Foodge saw an opportunity for free medical care.

“No, not a medical doctor, ‘e’s got a PhD in philosophy. Still does some lectures over at the uni, but loves ‘is boxin’. Anyway ‘e was me original trainer when I was a youngin’. I was one fight away from becoming the NSW ‘eavyweight champ, when a brawler named ‘Peabody’ blindsided the ref, kneed me in the tackle an’ broke me nose as I went down clutchin’ the goolies. Never fought again, well, not in the ring!” Merv absent-mindedly adjusted the ‘men’ before he went on.

“Anyway, Granny ‘ad seen me fight in me younger days, so, not long after she gave me the job, she started to train me, ‘opin’ I might make a comeback. Never did, me ‘art wasn’t in it.”

“So, Granny was a boxing trainer? Foodge’s head had been a bit muddle this week.

“Not so much a trainer, as a fighter. Boxin’ ‘as always been illegal for women in New South Wales, but, there was a shortage of boxers in the war, so girls like Granny used to either, enter illegal fights in gyms dotted about the place, or, enter legit fights pretendin’ to be a bloke, which probably weren’t to ‘ard for ‘er.” Merv laughed. “Anyway, ‘ere’s Granny with your salad, want some more tea with that?”

That’s ENOUGH ! Take Your Hat and Hit the Road

30 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Peter Reith, Tony Abbott

It’s been a long time coming, but yesterday I think our politicians hit the bottom of the barrel – but they somehow seem always to be able to head further south.

The ABC reported an outraged Peter Reith and ran a clip of him being interviewed wherein he said that he was encouraged to run for the leadership of the Liberal party by none other than Tony Abbott – only to have Abbot abandon him and lose the contest by one vote.  The TV footage of Tony smarmingly showing his voting paper to whatever his name is who was the incumbent (recumbent) showed naked skullduggery as far as I can see.  Reith was ropable and embarrassed to the max.  Ouch !  Poor diddums.

So to get square, Pete threatened to talk up Workchoices 2 – guaranteed to lose Tony the unlosable election coming.  Nice.  Party solidarity.

The sad thing is that there was no surprise here.  I for one have come to expect no less than lying, cheating and whatever-it-takes to gain and hold power behaviour from Tony and his team. I described the lower primate as “a shit sandwich” – and got away with it in the olden days of Unleashed.  The other half of the quip was that it didn’t matter how Tony changed the bread – the exterior appearance –  the contents always stayed the same.

Worse than that, it’s the state of play for Labor as well.  Kevin had his little snit with the proposed anniversary of “when I was knifed – a sitting PM assassinated” party, put on hold on advice from large men in dark glasses.

I have seen some serious political shit go down in my 40 years as a NSW voter.  For a while I put my trade union son political beliefs into gear, joined the ALP, went to branch meetings (despite the risk of actual physical harm), voted on resolutions that went no effing where, handed out how to vote cards at election times and did my share of scrutineering.  I had the dubious pleasure of seeing their woman (Dawn Fraser) do our man (Peter Crawford) like a dinner.  It was a salutary lesson.  Peter was a one parliament parliamentarian.  So, it turns out was Dawn.  She was and is a much loved local identity and a trusted NRMA board member.  Both took their defeats on the chin and retired gracefully.  Not a  sore loser in sight.

But those were the days when people who ran for office actually believed in something other than their own self-interest and the headlong rush to grab power at any cost.

Stephanie Dowrick wrote in her 2004 Book ” Free Thinking” a few hundred words on public and private lying – and the corrosive effect of both.  She talked about how it has become the norm and that bare-faced lying or as we have come to know it “offering non-core promises” hardly raises an eyebrow.  Children Overboard, Reith’s mobile phone, No GST and the latest “No carbon tax” fiasco and reversal after reversal of policy as a matter of expediency if the polls even threatened to head south  are all de rigeur today.

But not for me.  I have had it with the big parties.  I just don’t know about the Greens or the independents.  I was imagining a day when parties become banned and that all elected representatives have to be independent.  Did I hear a wail of “that way NOTHING would ever get through the parliament” ?  Are you reaching for your favourite Steve Fielding non-sequitur or some pure and simple Bob Katter madness ?  OK, you win.

Maybe a party-free every vote-is-a-conscience vote still is a better approach than the useless abuse and character assassinations that we see so often filling up our governments’ sitting time.  It’s a disgrace.  I’ve had enough.  Time for Ten Gallon Bob and the rest to do us all a favour, take their hats and head off into the sunset.

Waz – Update 29 June

29 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 16 Comments

Digital Mischief by Warrigal MirriyuulaDear Mike,

Dear Patrons de la Maison de Porc,

Apparently it gets worse before it gets better. That’s where I am now.

I remain in good spirits and confidence is high, though vigour and concentration seem at a premium at the moment.

However my tiny nurse angels continue to do a great job and are constantly stopping by to amuse me. (See attached image.)

Not much energy for anything more but I’m there in spirit.

Regards,

W

Foodge 26 Foodge Gets into a Scuffle

27 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Big M, Foodge Private Dick

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

humour

Foodge tried to relax in the Emergency Department bed, but, clearly they were designed to discourage both, relaxation, and any desire to stay on the med for more than a couple of hours. He was waiting for the doctors to read the CT scan of his head, but, by the sound of the conversation, weren’t looking at his. “Fair bit of brain shrinkage.”

“No focal signs, but could have dementia.”

“Sometimes see this sort of pattern in older alcoholic males, but, seems OK for a sixty two year old.”

“Look at the date of birth, he’s only forty two.”

Forty-two, thought Foodge, I’m forty-two. Sounds bad for the poor old fellow.  A young doctor, wearing green ‘scrubs’, who, to Foodge looked more like a mechanic’s apprentice than an Emergency Physician, pulled the curtain back.

“Mr Foodge, I’ve reviewed your CT with one of my colleagues. We think you’re OK to go home, as long as you stay with someone, do you have any family?”

“No…err…actually, yes.” Foodge had a bright smile on his bruised and battered face. He realised that the Pig’s Arms was his second home, and that Merv and Granny would keep an eye on him. Wes had driven him to the hospital, in Merv’s Bedford truck, straight after the incident, and had hung around to see if Foodge was OK (this wasn’t strictly true, Wes has spied a pretty emergency nurse, and was trying to invite her out for a drink).

“Who’s your local doctor, Mr Foodge, so I can send a discharge summary out?”

“Doctor Hewson, near the Pig’s Arms Hotel.”

“I think you might be telling porkies there, sir, as he’s been deregistered for some years, you know, after the ‘trouble’?’ The doctor winked conspiratorially. “How about I send the letter out to the new medical centre on the main road, and you can make an appointment this week?”

The doctor closed the curtains so that Foodge could remove the backless gown and struggle back into his, now, torn trousers and jacket, and picked up the flattened, felt disc that had once been a new black Fedora. He hobbled passed the nurses’ station, picked up a copy of the discharge letter and into the waiting room where young Wes was happily typing his number into the aforementioned nurse’s mobile phone. “Ah, Foodge, you OK? Uncle Merv said to bring you back to the pub, if that’s OK with you? Do you want me to swing by your joint, to pick up some toiletries, or whatever?”

Foodge shook his head, and immediately wished he hadn’t as all the hangovers of a lifetime came back for drum practice. “No.” He whispered.

Like all of the events at the Pigs Arms, there’s a story to it. It was early evening and Foodge had carefully parked his Zephyr in the area behind the pub, and felt quite lucky, as he’d managed to park in a single parking spot, between the shed and the chicken coop (it was really the parking spot that was reserved for Granny, but she preferred Merv’s truck), and was whistling away, looking forward to a debriefing with Wes, who was still on the surf gang case, as well as a cleansing ale, or three. Out  of the shadows stepped a figure which deftly pulled the back of Foodge’s jacket down, pinning his arms behind him as a second figure punched him in the eye, whilst a third started Flamenco practice on Foodge’s ribs. He remembered someone yelling to ‘kick him hard in the guts!’ almost at the same time as a familiar voice yelled, “Get outa ‘ere you flamin’ dingoes!” Merv appeared and helped Foodge into the Main Bar, where Granny started applying first aid.

“Must’ve been six of them, big blokes, they were.” Mumbled Foodge, as Granny dabbed blood away from his right eye.

“No, Foodge, three. Three teen-agers, in fact. Our local identity beaten up by three kids.” Merv shook his head. “ They’re the little buggers who hang around the back of pubs trying to con someone into buying them some beers.” Merv was interrupted by Janet’s screams (The sight of blood had set her off, again), followed by the cries of the twins.

Merv and Granny had insisted that Foodge go to hospital to have his ‘noggin’ checked out, so Wes, being ‘nearly a doctor’, in spite of the fact that he wasn’t yet a nurse, was allocated the job of escorting Foodge to and from hospital.

Foodge returned to the pub to find that Merv had made up a room next to Wes’ on the third floor. He ended up spending two nights, which is about the same time that it took for the headaches to settle. Foodge was intended to pay mere lip service to the doctor’s request that he go to the new medical centre, but Granny physically dragged him there (it was in the same shopping complex as Aldo’s). Foodge had assumed that the doctor would find that he was the fittest forty two year old he’d ever seen. Unfortunately the truth was somewhat different; overweight, hypertensive with abnormal liver enzymes and hypercholesterolaemia. The doctor’s advice was less beer and wedges, more leafy greens and exercise. Merv decided that he was just the right person to sort Foodge out with ‘boxin’ lessons’!

One week later found Foodge in front of the Pig’s Arms at 06:00 a.m, waiting for Merv. Foodge had only ever seen six in the morning from the other side, having been up all night ‘on a case’, or, more often, drinking. Merv, Granny and Wes all burst from the front door of the pub, all in running shorts, T-shirts and joggers. “Who’s car are we taking?” Foodge looked around.

Merv laughed. “Car! We’re runnin’, it’s only five clicks”

I won’t describe the journey, but, let’s just say that it wasn’t a ‘run’. They arrived at ‘Doc Morton’s’ gym, which, like all boxing gyms, stank of sweat and dust. There was the usual boxing ring in the middle, weight lifting area in one corner, punching bags in the other, with the other two corners clear for skipping, etc. Merv and Wes headed over to the weights where they started on some squats whilst Granny tried to teach Foodge how to skip. She terminated the experience after he’d fallen for the fifth time. Merv and Wes decided that the best way to learn was for him to watch them spar, with Granny giving running commentary, which started with simple things like, ‘Merv’s got a great right-left-right combo’ and, ‘note how he punches from the waist, uses his whole body’ but quickly degraded to “Give it to ‘im, Wes.” “Get orff the ropes.” “Hit him harder!!!”

Merv put Foodge in the ring with Wes and tried to teach a basic move which involved stepping out of the way of a punch, then countering with a  right to the mid-section and a left to the side of the head as the he stepped past the opponent. Unfortunately Foodge got his left and right mixed up for the first four attempts, so walked straight into Wes’ fist. The fifth time he literally tripped over his own feet, landing heavily on the canvas.

“OK Foodge, that’s enough for today, ready to run home?”

Foodge shook his head, pulled out his iPhone and called for a taxi. Training was over for the day!

A Lesson from Life, for our friend Waz

23 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Gregor Stronach

≈ 13 Comments

Another Banksy piece of brilliance


By Gregor Stronach

It was such a horrible cliché of a day: I was travelling cross country – it doesn’t really matter from where – with the arse out of my trousers and barely two pennies to rub together, when I fell short of luck.

I was stranded at a cross roads, and to be honest, I had no idea where I was. I rummaged through my pockets and discovered a neatly folded $20 note – the last of any currency, I was sure, that I would see for some time.

I’ll spare you the preamble – the back-story is as long and tedious for you as it would be hellishly painful for me to recount. But, in the interests of understanding, let me say this:

I have never felt as mournful, and as alone, as I did on that night. Devoid of spirit, bereft and broken of heart. Poor in health and material wealth, I had all but given up entirely. Bad news had piled on bad news. Broken bones and broken homes. I’d had everything I wanted, and I’d let it all burn.

But I digress. You don’t need to know all about that. I’ve something more important to pull on your coat about. Because something happened. After months of tears and questions and bemoaning a horrible fate that I felt no control over at all, something happened.

On that darkening evening, stomach growling, I decided to spend my last paltry dollars on food, to satiate the gnawing beast that was singing praises to the demigods from just above my beltline.

It was a cheap, nasty and difficult place – one of those commercial crossroads that sprout like concrete mushrooms wherever major highways converge, where families and travellers stop to pee for the twelfth time that day, and the truckies can pull in for a bite to eat and some small comforts from the lot lizards who ply their sexual trade among the parked-up semis in the yard.

I had a choice of eatery – the slick, hard-tack of fast food, whose golden arches soared above a parking lot full of Subarus and Volvos, or the promise of something greasier and easier from the smaller, danker diner surrounded by Macks and Kenworths.

I chose the latter – selfishly, to be honest. I was far more likely to find a ride to where I was going from within the ranks of the professional drivers than I was with a family, racing home so Dad can get back to work on time in the morning and the 2.4 kids in the back can take a break from their in-car DVDs just long enough to stop being carsick.

I pushed through the door, slouched past the ready mob of occupants, and took a seat at a booth in the corner, away from the window. I’d had enough of watching the road over the past three weeks. I was making my way vaguely northwest, away from my hometown and out into the interior, with an eye to heading further west if the stories I’d heard of a mining boom were true. I had nowhere to be.

Nowhere to be.

The waitress stopped by, took my order and gave me a once-over with a well-practiced eye.

“You’ll be waiting here a while for a ride, champ,” she sniffed, and motioned around the diner. “Most of these guys will be tucking in and bedding down for the night. Which way are you headed?”

I told her.

“Yeah… you’ll catch a ride in the morning. You can stay in here as long as you need to, but you can’t sleep here. It’s a diner. Not a motel. Understand?”

I nodded, wearily, confused that the mere mention of sleep had made me instantaneously tired. I ordered my food – one burger, some chips, and a coffee to warm me up. She didn’t even bother writing it down – she just scooted off in the direction of the kitchen, deftly avoiding a pinch on the bottom from one of the truckies at a seat three booths over.

My food arrived four or five uneventful minutes later, and it was just as I’d expected. The chips were limp, but plentiful. The burger, magnificent. And the coffee strong enough to take on Tyson and go 12 rounds … but not strong enough to win. I was halfway through my meal when she wandered by again.

“How’s the food?” she asked, not really caring.

“Fine. Rather good, actually,” I replied, not really caring that she didn’t really care.

“Great. Wanna refill on the coffee?”

I started to rifle through the shrapnel in my pocket, when she touched me on the arm and pointed to a sign on the counter. Handwritten, rather hurriedly, it hadn’t been there when I’d looked up a few moments before.

“Free refils on coffee just ask your waitres,” it read.

I nodded. She smiled. The coffee was refilled. I settled in to wait out the long, dark hours of the night.

…

It was probably around 2am that I noticed things had gotten pretty quiet. The diner was a 24-hour affair, but even places like this have that magical witching hour, when everything shuts down slowly and even the cockroaches take time off from their scurrying to nap quietly among the crumbs of the diner’s detritus.

Which is why I was so surprised when the opposite bench seat of my booth was suddenly occupied by a man, all dressed in black, with a glint in his eye so wicked that I was sure I was about to become the unwitting star in an apocryphal crossroads urban tale.

“…help you?” I managed, before the stranger beamed a smile.

“You can see me now. That’s great! I’ve been waiting ages…” he said. His voice was deep, confident without being loud. But I could hear him like he was shouting, and I doubted he could be heard more than a metre away.

“Who are you?” I asked. I’d heard stories that started like this before – where a lonely traveller meets a dark, fearsome stranger in a truck stop who turns out to be a murderer. Or the Devil Himself.

“Oh… I’m not the Devil, my friend. Nor am I Death,” he said, reading my thoughts. Very quietly, I began to feel fear. There’s no way this could end well…

“It will end well, my friend. It’s okay. I’m not Death,” he smiled. “I am Life.”

I slumped. A Christian. Here… in the middle of fucking nowhere, and I was about to receive a two-in-the-morning proselytising from a grinning weirdo with no hope of escape.

“Relax… I’m not here to preach. I just want to talk.”

I looked him up and down once more.

“Well… more accurately, I’m here to show you a few things. Here…” he grabbed at my hands.

This made very little sense, and I became convinced that I was, perhaps, asleep – against the very wishes of the helpful young waitress and her hastily hand-lettered sign.

“You’re not asleep. At least, not yet… but you will be soon. I need you to sleep, because the things I need to tell you – well, your mind won’t cope with them while you’re awake.

“Look,” he said, reaching across the table once more. “It’s probably best I just show. Close your eyes. Relax… relax… relax…”

“Ummm… are you touching my leg?” I asked.

“Yesss… just a bit…” he whispered. “Just relax… it’s okay…”

“Yeah, no. It’s not okay. Really,” I said.

“Sure. Sure… no problem,” he said, looking a little bit disappointed. He brought his left hand up above the table once more, clasped my hand again and began to breathe. Small tendrils of smoke whisped from his nostrils on the exhale, only to disappear once more when he inhaled.

“This… this is what I need you to see…”

And it began:

It was an accident scene. Gruesome and appalling, the road was wet with oil, water and gore. Two cars were engaged in a brutal, violent head-on waltz – clinched like roman wrestlers, motionless as twisted metal gargoyles, watching silently over the corpses of their occupants.

I was stunned. He was grinning.

He motioned to the rear seat of the furthest car.

“Go,” he smiled. “Look.”

Without sensing any movement, I was at once at the window, peering in like a hideous voyeur. In the back seat was a baby capsule. In the capsule, a small, wounded child.

His eyes, bright blue, were staring straight through me – I clearly couldn’t be seen. In that instant, I realised that there was absolutely nothing I could do to help. I was merely a spectator – not forced to watch, not strong enough to look away.

“Is he okay?” I asked Life.

He shrugged, and smiled.

“Probably not – but I’ll do you a deal. Understand the lesson, and I’ll do what I can.”

“Lesson? What lesson…”

He said nothing. I looked in through the window once again, and the same sight greeted me. His tiny mop of blonde hair was matted with blood. I would have expected he would be crying his little lungs out by now.

“He’s in shock,” Life explained from just next to my left ear. “That’s why he’s so quiet. But he’ll start wailing soon.”

I paused.

“But no one will hear him…” I whispered.

“Except us,” Life smiled.

I looked once more into the toddler’s bright eyes, then turned my head to follow his gaze. Across two lanes of empty blacktop, upon a tilting star picket holding up a rusting three-strand wire fence, stood a crow.

The black bird’s piercing gaze had met that of the child. There was not even a skerrick of understanding between them, but I knew what was happening.

The child, without knowing it in the slightest, was fighting for its life. The bird, unemotional, was waiting for its dinner. The universe would sort this out. I couldn’t help myself.

I started to cry.

“Oh, come now,” Life beamed. “Your money’s no good here… and your tears aren’t for him. They’re for you.”

He touched my arm…

And we were gone.

We were standing in a darkened living room, in a suburban house in northwestern Sydney. A large buffet, bulging with knick-knacks stood along one wall – and pride of place on top, in the centre, was a tiny aluminium-framed fish tank.

Surrounding the fish tank was a not-inconsiderable quantity of water. It dripped quietly from the edge of the buffet, landing with a series of soft woollen ‘plops’ on the tight-weave carpet between the bare feet of a young boy. He was about three.

He stood next to a chair, dragged from the dining room and placed strategically by the buffet, so as to allow him access to the fish tank. In his cupped hands – a single goldfish. It looked dead, the boy distraught.

“Oh, man…” I moaned.

“It’s even worse than it looks… watch…” Life smiled.

There was a movement, and the boy’s mother arrived at the door. She took in the scene with one glance, as mothers are universally able to do, and sighed.

“What’s happened, little man?” she asked.

The boy sobbed. Once. Very quietly.

“I think he died,” he said, proffering the fish to his mother. “I took him for a walk and now I think he’s dead.”

The mother leaned in, looked closely.

“I think he might be,” she said quietly. “I don’t think he’s okay…”

“Are you sure?” the boy asked, before brightening suddenly. “Can I put him back in? See if he’s okay?”

The mother pulled the young boy into an embrace. Whispered that everything would be okay. And even without seeing his face, I could see that for a split second, that little boy honestly believed her… and that everything would be okay.

But in my heart, I knew that it wouldn’t be.

And we moved

To a bar, where an elderly man looked around the pub with rheumy eyes, before asking if someone could please drive him home.

“What’s wrong, Harry?” asked the woman behind the bar.

“It’s me wife… I think she’s dying, and I need to get home”

And we moved

To a park, where a young man was watching his girlfriend die, her asthmatic lungs too weak to work, and the wail of an ambulance barely audible in the distance.

And we moved

To a public toilet where, with the last vestiges of consciousness, a junkie realised that the fix he’d just piped directly to his heart would probably be the last thing he ever did.

And we moved

To a stark, featureless emptiness. I felt a sudden ghastly vertigo, and Life was instantly at my side, grasping my elbow with one hand and smiling like a carnival clown.

“Why?” I asked, shuddering. “Why show me these things?”

“You needed to see them. Therein lies the lesson…”

He smiled. We waited.

I turned the scenes over and over in my mind, but with each passing minute, my confusion overrode my ability to think. There was no lesson here. I sobbed in frustration, the sobs giving way to long, wailing howls of anger and remorse.

…

I don’t know how long I shouted for. But eventually, I simply ran out of steam.

But I knew. There was no lesson here.

“Are you okay?” Life asked, smiling politely.

“I hope so,” I said.

“Now there’s a word…” he grinned. “Hope.”

I arched an eyebrow by way of a question. After all I’d seen on this dark and horrible night, I could barely muster a word.

“If I were to ask you, ‘what have you seen tonight?’ what would you answer?”

I pondered for a moment.

“Death. You say you are Life, yet all you’ve shown me is death… and despair,” I murmured. My strength returned.

“You’re not a blessing. You’re a fiend,” I spat. “Every scene tonight has been a hopeless, horrifying experience. Innocence at the cusp of ending forever. Vitality oozing toward oblivion. Tears. Blood. Pain. Unimaginable utterings from the mind of the kind of beast that haunts the boundaries of my dreams…”

He smiled throughout.

“And…?”

I stopped.

He waggled his eyebrows.

“Hope?” I asked.

His eyes twinkled.

“Hope?”

His eyes brightened even further.

“Yes!”, he exclaimed. “YES!”

He danced a Snoopy-like dance of joy.

“Beyond all of the fear, above all of the pain, through all of the blood and surpassing even death itself, is hope,” he shouted, falling quiet so suddenly, I thought I’d been deafened. He rushed toward me, and grabbed my face between his hands, squeezing my cheeks with his palms.

“Let me help you… Think back…”

And I did.

The toddler’s eyes were vacant, devoid of expression – but at their very heart burned a flicker of hope with every tiny sound he heard.

Each drip… “Is that my mother?”

Each creak of the car… “Is that my mother?”

And on we moved

The young boy’s hands were trembling, and with each gentle shake, the fish seemed to quiver.

“He’s moving!” the boy exclaimed.

But the mother knew. She knew the truth.

And on we moved

To the front door of Harry’s house, where he let himself in with as much pace as he could muster. He heard a sound in the living room, and his heart seemed to leap. Could she still be alive?

And again, we moved

To the park, where the ambulance seemed to be getting louder, and the woman’s breathing more laboured and coarse.

And once more, we moved

To the toilet, to the junkie, whose panicked flailings had embedded the needle deeper into his arm, providing just enough pain to provide a point of focus – possibly just enough to stop him from closing his eyes, forever.

With a sound like a furious rushing wind, I was back with him once again.

“Hope…” I whispered.

“Hope,” he agreed. “It’s the single greatest gift that a man can have. You live your lives on the basis that one day, you all will die. And for most of you, that day is always considered so far away, that you barely give it a moment’s thought.

“If you did, it would paralyse you. Fight or flight is the primal response to fear with which you’ve been hard-coded. And the vast majority of people are so de-tuned to it all, that even that has been dulled to the point where you don’t consider death, even for a moment, most days of your life.

“And the people who aren’t desensitised are the ones you say are “mad” – the ones who fight the world around them with every drawn breath. The ones who rage to the skies – torture, bind and kill others…”

He paused.

“And then there are those who are, on an otherwise unremarkable day, confronted with the reality of their own mortality. Some buckle, and weep. Others grow defiant, and angry. Others simply retreat into their own special darkness.

“But every single one of them harbours a hope. And it’s the ones who lose hope, who are the ones who don’t survive…”

I barely had time to register my thoughts, before once more we were on the move.

Back

To the child in the car. Life leaned in the window, wiped the blood from the toddler’s face, stepped back and scared away the crow. He touched the lifeless hand of the young woman in the front seat, which twitched.

The movement caught the youngster’s eye, dragging his gaze from the receding image of the huge black crow flying away to find sustenance elsewhere. He barked out a short, coughing cry.

“Honey?” the woman said, and the boy – recognising his mother’s voice – howled.

“Sshh…” she whispered, fumbling at the seatbelt that she was sure had saved her life. “Mummy’s coming… Sshhh…”

Back

To the dining room, where a mother guided her young son’s hands, with their precious cargo of rapidly stiffening goldfish back towards the fishbowl in the hope that she was wrong.

As the fish touched the water, Life touched the fish. With a flick, it was away, the solemn silence broken by the delighted peals of joyous laughter. The smile on the young boy’s face was only matched in its intensity by the look of surprise on his mother’s.

Back

To Harry’s house, where he called from the front door.

“Ivy! Ivy, my love!”

Silence, punctuated by a slight rustling.

Urged on, Harry moved into the living room. There, on the floor, clutching a cross to her chest, which rose and fell slowly like a gentle tide, was Ivy. Kneeling beside her, smiling, was Life.

Back

To the park, where Life himself was breathing tenderly into the young woman’s tortured lungs. And where the sudden arrival of a stranger with Ventolin had changed the course of two young people’s lives.

Back

To the park toilet, where Life was squeezing the arm of the junkie, extruding the morphine from his vein like a river of white death.

And I was back at the diner.

Alone.

…

Postscript: Mike let me know that Waz could do with some cheering up. So I sat down to write something funny, and short. But this came out instead. It’s easily the longest thing I’ve written in about ten years. And I’ve no fucking idea where it came from.

 

At the heart of it, it’s just a story. And there’s a ham fisted attempt to tell impart some form of wisdom in there. Fuck… I dunno. It’s just a story. Make of it what you will.

 But I’d like to underscore the take-home message here.

Without hope, we are nothing.

Pig Psalm 17: Your balm is oinkment to mine eye

23 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

≈ 14 Comments

Hear us, Oh Merv.

When Hedgie comes into your garden,

Smote him not because he meaneths no harm.

Take him unto your bosom and give to him the

Bailey’s of human kindness.

 

On ice.

For unto Hedgie a great burden has been visited.

He is a compulsive trimmer of the bush,

And he knoweth not the restraint.

 

After all, our Merv,

The difference between a seriously rogered hedge and a decorative border

Is about two weeks.

 

So long as Glenda and the girls at the Pig’s Legs Waxing and Beauty Salon

Receiveth not any crazy ideas of a similar ilk,

Fear not.

 

Your sideburns are safe in the trusted hands of herself.

 

And ever shall you enjoy tonsorial delight.

 

And the patrons de la palais de porc saw that Merv was happy

And the Bailey’s of human kindness flowed.

 

On ice, as it is in Antarctica

(And the backstreets of Kings Cross).

 

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