02 Sunday May 2021
Posted in Uncategorized
Quip by Emmjay
No doubt Jeremy Clarkson is some kind of provocateur, and many, but not me of course, say he’s an unspeakable wanker, but thanks to Algy posting a comment with the latest Australien government advertisement, showing electronic vehicles doing all sorts of miraculous things (hopefully real), I couldn’t resist this …
Stay until the last bit the he tells us the price – in the UK .
Cheers,
Emmjay
30 Friday Apr 2021
Posted in Emmjay
From the Pig’s Arms Cub Reporter Boo-boo.
In late breaking news, the entire Australian Government has lodged a class action suing the entire Australian population for defamation.
A spokeswanker for the government said they are sick and tired of being called cunts by everyone, but they are aware that Australian defamation laws cannot be used against the rest of the known – and unknown universe.
A degree of uncertainty was injected into the action when it was pointed out to the government that it is not defamation if a) it is a matter of public knowledge and b) if it can be demonstrated to be true.
Someone on paid empathy training leave was said to be considering withdrawing the government’s defamation suit but that he and his little mate Mr Potato Head were bang on with their own lawsuits because they were both great guys who would never ever think of raping anybody, especially people who might dob to the press*
*not actually true.
More on this in the late bulletin.
28 Wednesday Apr 2021
Posted in The Shovel
27 Tuesday Apr 2021
Posted in The Shovel
Re-blogged with thanks to the Shovel.
A video emerged this week of the Prime Minister claiming he has been called upon to ‘do God’s work’.
But is he really carrying out the work of God? It turns out, yes. We’ve uncovered eleven quotes from the Bible that substantiate Mr Morrison’s claim.
John 12:16 – John 12:16 – And the people said unto the Lord ‘Why hath we no immunisations?’ And the Lord said unto them, ‘That is a matter for the states’.
Luke: 5:21 – Jesus looked at the poor and the helpless and the needy, and he said unto them, ‘Unfortunately I have no money to give you because I gave a $22 million taxpayer-funded handout to Gerry Harvey’.
Romans: 8:33 – And John, who was one of the Lord’s 40 media managers, said to Jesus, ‘Lord, your poll numbers are down. Let’s set up a photo shoot of you building a cubby house for chickens’.
Matthew 25:35 – For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you locked me up in an island prison for an unspecified amount of time.
Mark 8:17 – The people suffered through the worst pandemic in a hundred years. And Jesus went to Bunnings.
John 11:18 – Jesus said, ‘Send me your sinners and lepers and Robodebt collectors. Especially your Robodebt collectors’.
James 2:8 – And Matthew, one of the Lord’s disciples, said, ‘God’s love is for everyone. But especially those living in marginal Liberal electorates’.
Luke: 2:12 – The fire burnt for 40 days and 40 nights. And Jesus hopped on the first flight to Hawaii.
Mathew 21:12-13 – And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the money changers. And then – furious at what they had done – he demanded they go on a six-week empathy training course, on full pay.
Corinthians 6:21 – Peter, Jesus’ disciple, didn’t like the mean things people said about him. So he sued for defamation.
Mathew 13:47-50 – Jesus told the people the parable of the three workers. The first worker called a rape victim a ‘lying cow’, but she kept her job because the government had only a one-seat majority. The second worker took a photo up a woman’s skirt, but he kept his job and was sent on an empathy training course. The third worker gave her staff Cartier watches, “And if she does not wish to stand aside, she can go!”
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26 Monday Apr 2021
Posted in Algernon
Playlist by Algy – the Glenn A Baker of the Pig’s Arms
The Letter – Joe Cocker (Cocker happy and Mad dogs and Englishmen)
Wild World – Cat Stevens (Tea for the Tillerman)
Wah Wah – George Harrison (All things must pass)
Too many people – Paul and Linda McCartney (Ram)
Isolation – John Lennon/Plastic Ono band (John Lennon/Plastic Ono band)
Mercedes Benz – Janis Joplin (Pearl)
Paranoid – Black Sabbath (Paranoid)
Immigrant Song – Led Zeppelin (Led Zeppelin III)
Child in Time – Deep Purple (Deep Purple in Rock)
Aqualung – Jethro Tull (Aqualung)
Black magic woman – Santana (Abaxas)
Up around the bend – Creedence Clearwater Revival (Cosmos Factory)
I feel the earth move – Carole King (Tapestry)
Lay down (Candles in the rain) – Melanie (Candles in the rain)
If not for you – Bob Dylan (New Morning)
Mandolin Wind – Rod Stewart (Every picture tells a story)
Wild Horses – Rolling Stones (Sticky Fingers)
Love her madly – The Doors (L.A. Woman)
Burn down the mission – Elton John (Tumbleweed Connection)
19 Monday Apr 2021
Posted in Uncategorized
With the failure of his daily debacles of selfish publicity to convince the public, Scomo will address his flagging popularity by piggy-backing on the popularity of the premiers on a twice weekly basis. This was announced with the subterfuge that a war footing is necessary in contradiction the need for such action over the previous year.
This manoeuvre was required when his tactical retreat to Facebook failed. He resorted to Facebook to avoid accountability to questions about his blatant failure to communicate a credible schedule for vaccination. His blatherings on Facebook contradicted his own advice that no-one should use it for government anouncements and highlighted that he is less popular than the disgraced Kelly in promotion of fake news.
So the master of marketing pivoted with the grace of an overstuffed dead feline.
He made another bellicose announcement with the distractions of vaccination hubs he had previously dismissed. This was…
View original post 580 more words
16 Friday Apr 2021
Posted in Uncategorized
Tags
Unverified Rumour by Pig’s Arms Cub Reporter Boo-Boo Bear
In a late breaking unverified rumour, allegedly started by Pig’s Arms Cub reporter Boo-Boo Bear, it is said that the Hollywood star Daisy Duck has passed away at the age of 101 due to natural causes (Duck a l’Orange).
There is some dispute that the oft-time paramour of Donald Trump Duck was actually 101 years old (born in 1920)- especially since Donald was born in 1934 – suggesting that DD was dating a pretty old broiler straight out of the hutch.
Birth records were sketchy – especially before colour came into the picture. Some celuloidists claim that she used a former name “Donna” however other experts insist that Donna Duck was the friend of a Mexican waterbird DD was dating for a time.
What IS known is that Daisy had a clutch of relatives and that her unnamed brother was married to triplets “April”, “May” and “June” – one of which is the mother of another brood of triplets more familiar to officianrdos of cartoons and comics – Huey, Louie and Dewey – or if you prefer, Hewey, Dewey and Louie. Louie was killed in a tragic shooting accident on the ironically-named Lake Placid.
The Pig’s Arms tried to contact the previously irascible but now apparently inconsolable Donald, but he was unavailable for comment.
Friends close to Daisy including Daffy Duck were quoted as saying “Psuffering Psuckertash”, Big Bird came out in spots and Foghorn Leghorn said “Ah say,Ah say, Ah say, Boy …”
The family is not expecting Uncle Scrooge to pick up the tab for the funeral despite the cost being described as “chicken feed”.
13 Tuesday Apr 2021
Posted in Uncategorized
Tags
Story by Pig’s Arms Cub Reporter Boo-Boo Bear
Faithful wife of 70+ years admits that it was a mistake to allow her late husband to drive himself to his own funeral.
“I should have known that no good would come of this” she told the Pig’s Arms.
Bystanders reported that the driver, referred to only as a Mr Duke swerved to avoid an allegation that he was an entitled racist bigot, before losing self control and rolling joints several times.
First responders on the scene administered Tenant’s Lager and confiscated all cameras, except that of our PA reporter who was cleverly disguised as a hedge fund manager.
The crack Edinburgh Metropolitan Police specialist VIP traffic accident cover-up team attended and reported that although the man was known to them, whether he in fact was licensed to do anything he wanted was unclear, but pretty likely to be the case and who am I to drop any big wig into the poo and still have a pension in tact said an alleged man dressed in serge.
Mr Duke was whisked away in an unmarked (because he hadn’t driven it) whisk and given the royal treatment by a generously proportioned celebrity chef given to sampling her own creations from the tips of long, sensuous fingers that have never seen a day’s work in their lives beyond the morning struggle with an unruly bra strap.
The Range Rover’s black box flight recorder has been recovered and is undergoing psychiatric analysis.
11 Sunday Apr 2021
Posted in Uncategorized
Tags
Playlist by Algernon
Imagine – John Lennon
It’s too late – Carol King
Won’t get fooled again – The Who
Eagle Rock – Daddy Cool
Changes – David Bowie
Levon – Elton John
The night they drove ol dixie down – Joan Baez
How do I mend a broken heart – The Bee Gees
Maggie May – Rod Stewart
Long cool woman in a black dress – The Hollies
Black Dog – Led Zeppelin
What’s going on – Marvin Gaye
Family affair – Sly and the family Stone
Bang a gong (get it on) – T Rex
06 Tuesday Apr 2021
Posted in The Shovel
| This morning it was revealed that, in August last year, The Shovel was awarded a $400 million contract to oversee the rollout of Australia’s COVID-19 vaccination program. While this was intended to remain commercial-in-confidence, some irritating journalist, probably from the ABC, used a Freedom of Information request to release the details of the contract, and we’ve been inundated with angry emails ever since. This statement is designed to answer some of the most common questions. How the fuck did a satirical news organisation get awarded the contract to oversee Australia’s COVID-19 vaccine rollout? A lot of people seem to be very angry about this, but we were just as entitled to apply for the contract as anyone else. It was a rigorous tender process, with several checks and balances along the way. The fact that one of our writers went to school with Greg Hunt and we donated $1.5 million donation to the Liberal Party last year is purely coincidental. Does the Shovel have any experience managing vaccination programs? No, but we did organise a very complex pub crawl for 80 people in 2012, which involved multiple venues, several different brands of beer (some imported, some made here in Australia) and a range of nasty side-effects. So it’s basically the same thing. What? A pub crawl isn’t like a vaccination rollout at all Obviously you haven’t seen our COVID-19 vaccination rollout yet. Do you have any medical experience? The morning after the pub crawl required a fair bit of medical ingenuity. But, apart from that, no. But what we lack in medical expertise we more than make up for in comedic ability. What comedic skills could possibly be of use to a vaccination program? Timing. Actually, no, bad example. We’ve totally fucked up the timing. But we have incorporated one of the other central tenets of comedy – the element of surprise. GPs are constantly telling us how surprised they are when they receive eight vials of the vaccine rather than the 400 they had been promised. This is a disaster, isn’t it? No, not at all. Everyone seems to be focusing on targets, but we put those targets in place purely for satirical purposes. And I think we can all agree that setting a target of 4 million vaccinations by March, falling short by almost 3.5 million vaccinations, and then getting Greg Hunt to say ‘‘The national vaccination program is accelerating exactly as intended” has all the hallmarks of great satire. Although nitpickers would argue that, technically, it was farce rather than satire. Is this the first time the government has awarded a commercial contract to a satirical organisation? No, in 2019 the Government awarded News Corp $345,000 to set up a spelling bee website. Has The Shovel been awarded any other government contracts? Apart from a recent engagement to run a series of empathy training courses? No. |
Sorry, could not resist borrowing this one from the Shovel.
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 