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Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle

~ The Home Pub of the Famous Pink Drinks and Trotter's Ale

Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle

Monthly Archives: June 2011

Foodge 27 – Merv Spills One

30 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Big M

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Foodge; Merv; Humour

Not the black one, the grey one......

Story by Big M.

Foodge had slept half of the day after his workout with the Pig’s Arms crew, so showered, dressed in his second best suit, unsuccessfully tried to beat his black  Fedora back into shape, gave up, and decided to wear the grey one that ‘shoe sent from South Australia. He sauntered into the Main Bar half hoping to catch up with Wes , to finalise the surf gang investigation and fully hoping to avail himself of some brews. “Pint of Trotters, thanks Merv.” As he gingerly mounted the bar stool, using the footrest to push his flabby buttocks all of the way onto the seat.

Merv complied. Foodge downed the amber liquid in one long gulp. “Another, thanks Merv.”

“No, Foodge, that’s it. We’re gunna wean you orff the piss, and try’n get you fit!”

“But…psht…arr…but, you can’t. I’m a paying customer!” Which wasn’t strictly true, as Foodge only sporadically paid his tab.

“Listen, Foodge, this is for you own good!” Merv’s brows were even more firmly knitted together. “I don’t want you to end up they way I used to be.”

“What’s the John Dory, Merv?” Foodge was down with the young people’s way of speaking, back in the 50’s.

“Listen Foodge, I’ll tell yer this once, and once only, and if yer tell anyone else, I’ll job ya, OK?”

Foodge nodded.

“I’m a reformed alcoholic” Merv was deadly serious.

“But you drink beer all day.” Foodge immediately thought he had the upper hand.

Simulated non-alcoholic beverage (not actual size)

Merv shook his head. “Cold green tea, fizzed up in the Soda Stream, very refreshing, and gives you punters a good impression.” Merv poured Foodge a pint of carbonated green tea to try. “Anyway, it all started when I was in the coppers. Beryl came and made allegations of cheating in the local African Violets Growers Competition. She alleged that a well-known identity, who shall remain nameless, but was married to the, then, mayor, had cheated by illegally importing African Violets from Africa, and entering them in the competition. I knew it wasn’t a police matter, but I went ahead, seeing as how Beryl was good to all of us kids when I was a little’n. He stopped to have a long pull from his pint.

African violence

“I managed to find a paper trail all the way from a wholesale grower in Africa, all the way to the local identity’s address. Took the evidence to the DCI only to be told, in no uncertain terms, to drop it. So I did, much to my shame.” Later that year Beryl came to me again alleging that the same person had cheated at the Lewisham Fair Sponge Baking Competition. Once again, paper trail all the way from a well known hotel in Sidney, all the way to ‘er letterbox. This time I didn’t let Beryl down, I went straight round to ‘er ‘ouse and arrester ‘er. Unbeknown to me, one of my colleagues managed to ‘lose’ all of the evidence, and I was in strife for wrongful arrest.” Merv couldn’t look Foodge in the eye, which was good, because Foodge was bloody uncomfortable hearing all of this.

“The other blokes started pickin’ on me. You know? Little things like decoratin’ me locker with icin’, or dispatchin’ me to an incident at a flower show, and so on.” Merv had a tear in his eye. “I loved bein’ a copper, but I couldn’t go on. The whole of the pleece force knew all about it, blokes used to snigger at me, ‘here comes the patty cake police’. I’d ‘ad enough. Took redundancy, and hoped to open me own private detectin’ business.” Merv stopped to blow his nose.

Cruel cake for a policeman

“Never took off, no contacts in the coppers, not like you ‘n’ O’Hoo, ‘e’s a good mate to you.” Foodge nodded. “Started drinkin’ in ‘ere every night, lookin’ for contacts, an’ woke up every mornin’, face down in me own piss ‘n’ spew. One mornin’ Granny rolled me over,  slapped me across the face, and said to me. ‘Merv, you’re a good man, you need a job, and I need a barman, so let’s get it sorted!’”

“So, who taught you how to fight?” Foodge was eager to get as much out of Merv as possible.

“Doctor Umentry was me first trainer.”

“What, the old bloke who owns the gym, is he a doctor? Maybe I should se him?” Foodge saw an opportunity for free medical care.

“No, not a medical doctor, ‘e’s got a PhD in philosophy. Still does some lectures over at the uni, but loves ‘is boxin’. Anyway ‘e was me original trainer when I was a youngin’. I was one fight away from becoming the NSW ‘eavyweight champ, when a brawler named ‘Peabody’ blindsided the ref, kneed me in the tackle an’ broke me nose as I went down clutchin’ the goolies. Never fought again, well, not in the ring!” Merv absent-mindedly adjusted the ‘men’ before he went on.

“Anyway, Granny ‘ad seen me fight in me younger days, so, not long after she gave me the job, she started to train me, ‘opin’ I might make a comeback. Never did, me ‘art wasn’t in it.”

“So, Granny was a boxing trainer? Foodge’s head had been a bit muddle this week.

“Not so much a trainer, as a fighter. Boxin’ ‘as always been illegal for women in New South Wales, but, there was a shortage of boxers in the war, so girls like Granny used to either, enter illegal fights in gyms dotted about the place, or, enter legit fights pretendin’ to be a bloke, which probably weren’t to ‘ard for ‘er.” Merv laughed. “Anyway, ‘ere’s Granny with your salad, want some more tea with that?”

The Restless Booksearcher (number 3)

30 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

books

The wandering book searcher had in the meantime surveyed the rag-tag of books on the shelving. He cast his eyes over the titles, holding his head askew this way and that way trying to read as much as was still visible on the torn covers. He munched approvingly on his rotating burger which was now almost eaten to its core.

His usual modus operandi was to exchange his quarry inside the back-pack for any unread ones. He mainly succeeded in that, especially if he traded two books for just one.  Depending on his limited finance he would just sometimes buy a book, a reckless splurge of the moment which so far he had never regretted.  His need for books was till now still unrequited dating back to childhood, deprived of letters and words printed on pages by an uncaring culture and not made better by a bookless neighbourhood. He would never fill the void but made up the deficit as good and as diligently that he was still capable of. He was lucky to have been taught reading in the first place. He knew that if he was to catch up with books and the reading of them he could never waste time working for a living and money. He wanted to understand more of the world that he lived in. Time was of the essence, and because of that he could not afford wasting time in working for anything, let alone just money whose value could never be read.

His reading skill had been installed when very young and in a far away country of which he still had some vague memories. He also remembered fondly that a distant uncle, rumoured to have emerged from a Tsarist Russian background and nobility, had taught him to play the mouth organ. He now had a small ‘Hohner’ organ with a button on the side for half-notes. His early childhood training had stood him in good stead despite the deprivations later when circumstance had transferred him to the relenlessly hot and dusty world he now resided in. When he arrived at a place that, through no intent of him, featured a market he would put down his belongings, told Bluey to ‘sit’ and start to play his mouth organ. He would only play long enough for people to provide him with enough coins for some future food and a frayed but un-read book.  He knew that by following a certain repertoire the coins would be dropped in his hat, especially during his playing of the very popular ‘When the Saints come marching in’. The combination of the music with Bluey’s mournful looking eyes, cast upwards towards the audience; many would not walk past without chucking a couple of pennies.

When the hamburger had finally been eaten and the last of the tea been squeezed and scored from the tea bag our searcher stood up and paid for the food including a couple of Spam-ham  cans, making sure the cans still had the keys attached at the top.  He already knew that there was yet an unread book on the shelves that he badly wanted. He took a book from his back-pack. It was a well thumped ‘The Brothers Karamazov’. He asked the large breasted shop-owner if he could swap this for the maroon coloured hard cover book on the top shelve. He also offered to top his offer up with a tuppence coin. She agreed and offered him the use of the outhouse for a shower; that’s if you want to shower, she asked?  He, for a split second thought there was something in the furtive way she looked sideways as she made the offer, away from his open gaze.

She knew the rule for wanderers with swags and cattle dogs. Itinerants, ringbarkers, fencers and shearers, they were the ones that she still managed to eke a living from. Some she befriended and even loved for a night or so, snatched away from the uncompromising hard fist of an otherwise solitary life, a life not unlike those that she sold her wares to. She hardly remembered her husband who had vanished without a grunt of a good-bye years ago. A hopeless drunk of piss-pot, he was. That’s the most she recalled. Her solemn but generous giving of relief to the itinerant wanderers and flotsam of those on endless dirt roads cut both ways and she preferred that to her previous marital mishap. Besides, it did give her business a chance to limp on.

To be continued.

That’s ENOUGH ! Take Your Hat and Hit the Road

30 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Julia Gillard, Kevin Rudd, Peter Reith, Tony Abbott

It’s been a long time coming, but yesterday I think our politicians hit the bottom of the barrel – but they somehow seem always to be able to head further south.

The ABC reported an outraged Peter Reith and ran a clip of him being interviewed wherein he said that he was encouraged to run for the leadership of the Liberal party by none other than Tony Abbott – only to have Abbot abandon him and lose the contest by one vote.  The TV footage of Tony smarmingly showing his voting paper to whatever his name is who was the incumbent (recumbent) showed naked skullduggery as far as I can see.  Reith was ropable and embarrassed to the max.  Ouch !  Poor diddums.

So to get square, Pete threatened to talk up Workchoices 2 – guaranteed to lose Tony the unlosable election coming.  Nice.  Party solidarity.

The sad thing is that there was no surprise here.  I for one have come to expect no less than lying, cheating and whatever-it-takes to gain and hold power behaviour from Tony and his team. I described the lower primate as “a shit sandwich” – and got away with it in the olden days of Unleashed.  The other half of the quip was that it didn’t matter how Tony changed the bread – the exterior appearance –  the contents always stayed the same.

Worse than that, it’s the state of play for Labor as well.  Kevin had his little snit with the proposed anniversary of “when I was knifed – a sitting PM assassinated” party, put on hold on advice from large men in dark glasses.

I have seen some serious political shit go down in my 40 years as a NSW voter.  For a while I put my trade union son political beliefs into gear, joined the ALP, went to branch meetings (despite the risk of actual physical harm), voted on resolutions that went no effing where, handed out how to vote cards at election times and did my share of scrutineering.  I had the dubious pleasure of seeing their woman (Dawn Fraser) do our man (Peter Crawford) like a dinner.  It was a salutary lesson.  Peter was a one parliament parliamentarian.  So, it turns out was Dawn.  She was and is a much loved local identity and a trusted NRMA board member.  Both took their defeats on the chin and retired gracefully.  Not a  sore loser in sight.

But those were the days when people who ran for office actually believed in something other than their own self-interest and the headlong rush to grab power at any cost.

Stephanie Dowrick wrote in her 2004 Book ” Free Thinking” a few hundred words on public and private lying – and the corrosive effect of both.  She talked about how it has become the norm and that bare-faced lying or as we have come to know it “offering non-core promises” hardly raises an eyebrow.  Children Overboard, Reith’s mobile phone, No GST and the latest “No carbon tax” fiasco and reversal after reversal of policy as a matter of expediency if the polls even threatened to head south  are all de rigeur today.

But not for me.  I have had it with the big parties.  I just don’t know about the Greens or the independents.  I was imagining a day when parties become banned and that all elected representatives have to be independent.  Did I hear a wail of “that way NOTHING would ever get through the parliament” ?  Are you reaching for your favourite Steve Fielding non-sequitur or some pure and simple Bob Katter madness ?  OK, you win.

Maybe a party-free every vote-is-a-conscience vote still is a better approach than the useless abuse and character assassinations that we see so often filling up our governments’ sitting time.  It’s a disgrace.  I’ve had enough.  Time for Ten Gallon Bob and the rest to do us all a favour, take their hats and head off into the sunset.

Waz – Update 29 June

29 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 16 Comments

Digital Mischief by Warrigal MirriyuulaDear Mike,

Dear Patrons de la Maison de Porc,

Apparently it gets worse before it gets better. That’s where I am now.

I remain in good spirits and confidence is high, though vigour and concentration seem at a premium at the moment.

However my tiny nurse angels continue to do a great job and are constantly stopping by to amuse me. (See attached image.)

Not much energy for anything more but I’m there in spirit.

Regards,

W

The Restless Booksearcher (Number 2)

29 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Breasts, fly strips, hamburger, hospital, Laminex

The ceiling was of pressed metal, bravely keeping some semblance to a floral pattern somewhat obscured by the numerous coats of paint applied through the decades. It was now painted a light hospital green and decorated with the hangings of three brown fly strip spirals that had lost its fatal attraction to anything in flight some years back. The whirring of a ceiling fan above the custard tarts glass case might have finally been installed to at least show the flies they were not all that welcome anymore.  Besides, the health inspector had become somewhat grumpy and insisted the fan to be installed, as well as a written direction to clear out the dead flies from the glass display cases.

The man put down his swag and back-pack outside, told the dog ‘stay’, which he instantly obeyed, squatting next to the swag. The dog was thirsty as well as hungry. After entering through the fly screen door, the solitary walker surveyed the interior and took in the sparsely filled shop. He knew that he could rely on a hamburger and cup of tea. The rancid smell of 50/50 hamburger mince and 100% lard had permeated floor, ceiling, furniture, not even giving the hard Laminex a chance in warding it off.

The day had been hot. The back-pack of the walker contained a small hoard of books as well as clothing. Dried fruit, including apricots and sliced apple, some nuts with a couple of bottles of water completed the solitary walker’s total inventory.  The heat had weighed him down more than usual. He needed sustenance as well as to replenish water for himself and his dog. A woman appeared. She was dishevelled looking, hugely breasted and all crumpled. The TV blaring out with canned laughter from somewhere at the back indicated the possibility she might have been horizontally positioned when he entered the shop. He asked for a hamburger, a pot of tea and some water.

 His daily walk in search of new and unread books had taken him longer than usual and even though he passed several small settlements, none had books. His roving eyes had spotted shelving with frayed looking books just behind the tables facing the right hand wall away from the counter. His spirit lifted even before the hamburger arrived, which the shop-owner plonked on the fiery Laminex table in the well practised and desultory manner of the country shop. She came in again and served a pot with cracked spout filled with hot water and a separate dusty tea bag and sugar and milk. She also, without wasting a single word, walked through the fly screen door with a dish of water for the dog outside. The Bluey dog was still camped next to his master’s swag. His grateful slurping was heard inside with his dog- tag tinkling against the metal dish.

The man’s thirst quenched by tea, the intrepid walker started on his well layered hamburger, bits of beet-root trying to escape slipping and sliding towards the edge which the solitary book searcher prevented  from falling by rotating the bread bun while  expertly eating the protruding slices of guilty vegetables including the brown rings of fried onions.

Will be continued.

The restless Booksearcher.

28 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman

≈ 52 Comments

Tags

Hohner, Oodnadatta, swagman

 Daffodils and Go Back where you came from

 

The Restless Book Searcher ( part 1 )

By gerard oosterman


The Restless book searcher.
The sun was at its highest this time of the year. A man carrying a swag and back-pack was seen walking the deserted streets. His cattle dog cleverly walked in the limited shade that the walker was still casting. The merciless heat was parching the dust which was as much in need of water and as thirsty as the man and his dog.

He finally arrived at a small shop which had a ‘Tip-Top bread’ sign hanging from its awning. On the shop window there were plastered a variety of signs, including one on ‘Big Ben’ pies, also a poster of Camel Cigarettes featuring a goggled fighter pilot in his cockpit with ‘nerves of steel’ and a ‘Vincent’s APC Headache’ powder advertisement. Even though the torn and battered fly screen door was slightly ajar, it had a ‘closed’ sign facing any possible customer on the outside of it. The owner of this shop had lost the will to turn the sign around to ‘open’ a long time ago, and anyhow, with the fly-screen refusing to shut properly for some years, the shopkeeper reckoned people would guess the shop was open regardless of any sign. The few locals would know. It was just about the only ’mixed goods’ shop for the next fifty miles. The settlement still had a garage and a butcher shop, a left over from a gold rush mania long time gone.

The interior of the shop had a couple of tables and matching chairs, all from the same vintage with splayed legs. The tables had an aluminium strip screwed all round the sides and over the edge of the Laminex which had bubbled up here and there. The shop’s counter was levered towards the customer and made of a glass display cabinet which had a crack at the front, where at some earlier times, efforts had been made with tape to try and prevent it from falling either out towards the floor or inwards towards the listless display of custard-tarts, dry looking Lamingtons and some lonely mince pies. The tape was still holding on even if somewhat yellowed and curled. Against the back wall was another glass case with a bowl of floating beetroot slices and a plate holding sliced onions with next yet another couple of plates holding some limp artichokes with a hard boiled mess of what looked like chopped up eggs which had been sprinkled with Keens yellow curry powder. The Keens curry powder tin was still standing next to the plate, leaving open the optimistic possibility for future use.

will be continued.

Foodge 26 Foodge Gets into a Scuffle

27 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Big M, Foodge Private Dick

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

humour

Foodge tried to relax in the Emergency Department bed, but, clearly they were designed to discourage both, relaxation, and any desire to stay on the med for more than a couple of hours. He was waiting for the doctors to read the CT scan of his head, but, by the sound of the conversation, weren’t looking at his. “Fair bit of brain shrinkage.”

“No focal signs, but could have dementia.”

“Sometimes see this sort of pattern in older alcoholic males, but, seems OK for a sixty two year old.”

“Look at the date of birth, he’s only forty two.”

Forty-two, thought Foodge, I’m forty-two. Sounds bad for the poor old fellow.  A young doctor, wearing green ‘scrubs’, who, to Foodge looked more like a mechanic’s apprentice than an Emergency Physician, pulled the curtain back.

“Mr Foodge, I’ve reviewed your CT with one of my colleagues. We think you’re OK to go home, as long as you stay with someone, do you have any family?”

“No…err…actually, yes.” Foodge had a bright smile on his bruised and battered face. He realised that the Pig’s Arms was his second home, and that Merv and Granny would keep an eye on him. Wes had driven him to the hospital, in Merv’s Bedford truck, straight after the incident, and had hung around to see if Foodge was OK (this wasn’t strictly true, Wes has spied a pretty emergency nurse, and was trying to invite her out for a drink).

“Who’s your local doctor, Mr Foodge, so I can send a discharge summary out?”

“Doctor Hewson, near the Pig’s Arms Hotel.”

“I think you might be telling porkies there, sir, as he’s been deregistered for some years, you know, after the ‘trouble’?’ The doctor winked conspiratorially. “How about I send the letter out to the new medical centre on the main road, and you can make an appointment this week?”

The doctor closed the curtains so that Foodge could remove the backless gown and struggle back into his, now, torn trousers and jacket, and picked up the flattened, felt disc that had once been a new black Fedora. He hobbled passed the nurses’ station, picked up a copy of the discharge letter and into the waiting room where young Wes was happily typing his number into the aforementioned nurse’s mobile phone. “Ah, Foodge, you OK? Uncle Merv said to bring you back to the pub, if that’s OK with you? Do you want me to swing by your joint, to pick up some toiletries, or whatever?”

Foodge shook his head, and immediately wished he hadn’t as all the hangovers of a lifetime came back for drum practice. “No.” He whispered.

Like all of the events at the Pigs Arms, there’s a story to it. It was early evening and Foodge had carefully parked his Zephyr in the area behind the pub, and felt quite lucky, as he’d managed to park in a single parking spot, between the shed and the chicken coop (it was really the parking spot that was reserved for Granny, but she preferred Merv’s truck), and was whistling away, looking forward to a debriefing with Wes, who was still on the surf gang case, as well as a cleansing ale, or three. Out  of the shadows stepped a figure which deftly pulled the back of Foodge’s jacket down, pinning his arms behind him as a second figure punched him in the eye, whilst a third started Flamenco practice on Foodge’s ribs. He remembered someone yelling to ‘kick him hard in the guts!’ almost at the same time as a familiar voice yelled, “Get outa ‘ere you flamin’ dingoes!” Merv appeared and helped Foodge into the Main Bar, where Granny started applying first aid.

“Must’ve been six of them, big blokes, they were.” Mumbled Foodge, as Granny dabbed blood away from his right eye.

“No, Foodge, three. Three teen-agers, in fact. Our local identity beaten up by three kids.” Merv shook his head. “ They’re the little buggers who hang around the back of pubs trying to con someone into buying them some beers.” Merv was interrupted by Janet’s screams (The sight of blood had set her off, again), followed by the cries of the twins.

Merv and Granny had insisted that Foodge go to hospital to have his ‘noggin’ checked out, so Wes, being ‘nearly a doctor’, in spite of the fact that he wasn’t yet a nurse, was allocated the job of escorting Foodge to and from hospital.

Foodge returned to the pub to find that Merv had made up a room next to Wes’ on the third floor. He ended up spending two nights, which is about the same time that it took for the headaches to settle. Foodge was intended to pay mere lip service to the doctor’s request that he go to the new medical centre, but Granny physically dragged him there (it was in the same shopping complex as Aldo’s). Foodge had assumed that the doctor would find that he was the fittest forty two year old he’d ever seen. Unfortunately the truth was somewhat different; overweight, hypertensive with abnormal liver enzymes and hypercholesterolaemia. The doctor’s advice was less beer and wedges, more leafy greens and exercise. Merv decided that he was just the right person to sort Foodge out with ‘boxin’ lessons’!

One week later found Foodge in front of the Pig’s Arms at 06:00 a.m, waiting for Merv. Foodge had only ever seen six in the morning from the other side, having been up all night ‘on a case’, or, more often, drinking. Merv, Granny and Wes all burst from the front door of the pub, all in running shorts, T-shirts and joggers. “Who’s car are we taking?” Foodge looked around.

Merv laughed. “Car! We’re runnin’, it’s only five clicks”

I won’t describe the journey, but, let’s just say that it wasn’t a ‘run’. They arrived at ‘Doc Morton’s’ gym, which, like all boxing gyms, stank of sweat and dust. There was the usual boxing ring in the middle, weight lifting area in one corner, punching bags in the other, with the other two corners clear for skipping, etc. Merv and Wes headed over to the weights where they started on some squats whilst Granny tried to teach Foodge how to skip. She terminated the experience after he’d fallen for the fifth time. Merv and Wes decided that the best way to learn was for him to watch them spar, with Granny giving running commentary, which started with simple things like, ‘Merv’s got a great right-left-right combo’ and, ‘note how he punches from the waist, uses his whole body’ but quickly degraded to “Give it to ‘im, Wes.” “Get orff the ropes.” “Hit him harder!!!”

Merv put Foodge in the ring with Wes and tried to teach a basic move which involved stepping out of the way of a punch, then countering with a  right to the mid-section and a left to the side of the head as the he stepped past the opponent. Unfortunately Foodge got his left and right mixed up for the first four attempts, so walked straight into Wes’ fist. The fifth time he literally tripped over his own feet, landing heavily on the canvas.

“OK Foodge, that’s enough for today, ready to run home?”

Foodge shook his head, pulled out his iPhone and called for a taxi. Training was over for the day!

Father O’Way: Religion for Dummies

24 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by Mark in Mark

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

Father O'Way, humor, humour, Sandy O'Way, science fiction

Hello. Hung One On (HOO)  here. Look, all this brouhaha about religion has sent me to the far corners of the earth to interview our own parish priest form the inner western suburbs of Inner Cyberia Father “Sandy” O’Way (FOW). As two intellectual giants we will battle it out about religion, God and life after death. Here’s a transcript.

HOO: So Sandy, all this stuff in the media lately about religion over at the old Unleashed, you know about how Chaplains are being placed in schools and how they may proselytize?

FOW: Sorry Hung but I take deep offence that you accuse us of us having sex with little boys.

HOO: No, Sandy, that’s paedophilia, I mean proselytize.

FOW: If you think that I’m going to get dressed up in black suspenders and stockings and stand on a corner then you have another thing coming.

HOO: No, Sandy, that’s prostitution, I mean proselytize.

FOW: We can never be guilty of that however we usually do this,  convert someone to another religion or opinion; convert to another religion or faith; enlist someone to one’s cause (also proselytise) . Get the picture?

HOO: So Sandy, the big one, is there a God?

FOW: Well, there’s a Gordon but don’t know about God.

HOO: Is there life after death?

FOW: No, unless you owe the tax office.

HOO: What do you think about the articles posted by Astyages an atomou concerning their views on Greek mythology?

FOW: Isn’t it marvellous watching two geniuses arguing over absolute bullshit, I mean they take bullshit to a new level. I mean the different side of the river bank, cut me to pieces that one.

HOO: Hmm, Do you speak with God?

FOW: Oh, shit yeah, all the time, I have his number in my mobile, lets talk to him.

[Ring, ring]

GOD: Hello God, here, Gordon O’Donnell [GOD]

HOO: Er, Hung here God, there has been a bit of a storm here lately about religion and you know the big one, life after death, that sort of thing and I was wondering if I could get your view on these issues?

GOD: Jesus Hung, pretty big subjects but let me see, religion is the choice of the individual but should be kept away from kids, life after death, well sort of, I’d probably give you two to one on but you probably just die, well sort of, you know what I mean.

HOO: But Gordon, that sounds like you are trying to have a bit each way?

GOD: Well Hung, I’m not dead yet so I can’t answer the question, anyway got to go, watching 25 years of The Bill.

Whew, heady stuff. Anyhoo I’ll sign off, Hung One On, Inside his House, No Where.

The Eye of God as seen from the Hubble Telescope

 

PS: For Warrigal, hopefully a smile has been delivered by the good Father.

A Lesson from Life, for our friend Waz

23 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Gregor Stronach

≈ 13 Comments

Another Banksy piece of brilliance


By Gregor Stronach

It was such a horrible cliché of a day: I was travelling cross country – it doesn’t really matter from where – with the arse out of my trousers and barely two pennies to rub together, when I fell short of luck.

I was stranded at a cross roads, and to be honest, I had no idea where I was. I rummaged through my pockets and discovered a neatly folded $20 note – the last of any currency, I was sure, that I would see for some time.

I’ll spare you the preamble – the back-story is as long and tedious for you as it would be hellishly painful for me to recount. But, in the interests of understanding, let me say this:

I have never felt as mournful, and as alone, as I did on that night. Devoid of spirit, bereft and broken of heart. Poor in health and material wealth, I had all but given up entirely. Bad news had piled on bad news. Broken bones and broken homes. I’d had everything I wanted, and I’d let it all burn.

But I digress. You don’t need to know all about that. I’ve something more important to pull on your coat about. Because something happened. After months of tears and questions and bemoaning a horrible fate that I felt no control over at all, something happened.

On that darkening evening, stomach growling, I decided to spend my last paltry dollars on food, to satiate the gnawing beast that was singing praises to the demigods from just above my beltline.

It was a cheap, nasty and difficult place – one of those commercial crossroads that sprout like concrete mushrooms wherever major highways converge, where families and travellers stop to pee for the twelfth time that day, and the truckies can pull in for a bite to eat and some small comforts from the lot lizards who ply their sexual trade among the parked-up semis in the yard.

I had a choice of eatery – the slick, hard-tack of fast food, whose golden arches soared above a parking lot full of Subarus and Volvos, or the promise of something greasier and easier from the smaller, danker diner surrounded by Macks and Kenworths.

I chose the latter – selfishly, to be honest. I was far more likely to find a ride to where I was going from within the ranks of the professional drivers than I was with a family, racing home so Dad can get back to work on time in the morning and the 2.4 kids in the back can take a break from their in-car DVDs just long enough to stop being carsick.

I pushed through the door, slouched past the ready mob of occupants, and took a seat at a booth in the corner, away from the window. I’d had enough of watching the road over the past three weeks. I was making my way vaguely northwest, away from my hometown and out into the interior, with an eye to heading further west if the stories I’d heard of a mining boom were true. I had nowhere to be.

Nowhere to be.

The waitress stopped by, took my order and gave me a once-over with a well-practiced eye.

“You’ll be waiting here a while for a ride, champ,” she sniffed, and motioned around the diner. “Most of these guys will be tucking in and bedding down for the night. Which way are you headed?”

I told her.

“Yeah… you’ll catch a ride in the morning. You can stay in here as long as you need to, but you can’t sleep here. It’s a diner. Not a motel. Understand?”

I nodded, wearily, confused that the mere mention of sleep had made me instantaneously tired. I ordered my food – one burger, some chips, and a coffee to warm me up. She didn’t even bother writing it down – she just scooted off in the direction of the kitchen, deftly avoiding a pinch on the bottom from one of the truckies at a seat three booths over.

My food arrived four or five uneventful minutes later, and it was just as I’d expected. The chips were limp, but plentiful. The burger, magnificent. And the coffee strong enough to take on Tyson and go 12 rounds … but not strong enough to win. I was halfway through my meal when she wandered by again.

“How’s the food?” she asked, not really caring.

“Fine. Rather good, actually,” I replied, not really caring that she didn’t really care.

“Great. Wanna refill on the coffee?”

I started to rifle through the shrapnel in my pocket, when she touched me on the arm and pointed to a sign on the counter. Handwritten, rather hurriedly, it hadn’t been there when I’d looked up a few moments before.

“Free refils on coffee just ask your waitres,” it read.

I nodded. She smiled. The coffee was refilled. I settled in to wait out the long, dark hours of the night.

…

It was probably around 2am that I noticed things had gotten pretty quiet. The diner was a 24-hour affair, but even places like this have that magical witching hour, when everything shuts down slowly and even the cockroaches take time off from their scurrying to nap quietly among the crumbs of the diner’s detritus.

Which is why I was so surprised when the opposite bench seat of my booth was suddenly occupied by a man, all dressed in black, with a glint in his eye so wicked that I was sure I was about to become the unwitting star in an apocryphal crossroads urban tale.

“…help you?” I managed, before the stranger beamed a smile.

“You can see me now. That’s great! I’ve been waiting ages…” he said. His voice was deep, confident without being loud. But I could hear him like he was shouting, and I doubted he could be heard more than a metre away.

“Who are you?” I asked. I’d heard stories that started like this before – where a lonely traveller meets a dark, fearsome stranger in a truck stop who turns out to be a murderer. Or the Devil Himself.

“Oh… I’m not the Devil, my friend. Nor am I Death,” he said, reading my thoughts. Very quietly, I began to feel fear. There’s no way this could end well…

“It will end well, my friend. It’s okay. I’m not Death,” he smiled. “I am Life.”

I slumped. A Christian. Here… in the middle of fucking nowhere, and I was about to receive a two-in-the-morning proselytising from a grinning weirdo with no hope of escape.

“Relax… I’m not here to preach. I just want to talk.”

I looked him up and down once more.

“Well… more accurately, I’m here to show you a few things. Here…” he grabbed at my hands.

This made very little sense, and I became convinced that I was, perhaps, asleep – against the very wishes of the helpful young waitress and her hastily hand-lettered sign.

“You’re not asleep. At least, not yet… but you will be soon. I need you to sleep, because the things I need to tell you – well, your mind won’t cope with them while you’re awake.

“Look,” he said, reaching across the table once more. “It’s probably best I just show. Close your eyes. Relax… relax… relax…”

“Ummm… are you touching my leg?” I asked.

“Yesss… just a bit…” he whispered. “Just relax… it’s okay…”

“Yeah, no. It’s not okay. Really,” I said.

“Sure. Sure… no problem,” he said, looking a little bit disappointed. He brought his left hand up above the table once more, clasped my hand again and began to breathe. Small tendrils of smoke whisped from his nostrils on the exhale, only to disappear once more when he inhaled.

“This… this is what I need you to see…”

And it began:

It was an accident scene. Gruesome and appalling, the road was wet with oil, water and gore. Two cars were engaged in a brutal, violent head-on waltz – clinched like roman wrestlers, motionless as twisted metal gargoyles, watching silently over the corpses of their occupants.

I was stunned. He was grinning.

He motioned to the rear seat of the furthest car.

“Go,” he smiled. “Look.”

Without sensing any movement, I was at once at the window, peering in like a hideous voyeur. In the back seat was a baby capsule. In the capsule, a small, wounded child.

His eyes, bright blue, were staring straight through me – I clearly couldn’t be seen. In that instant, I realised that there was absolutely nothing I could do to help. I was merely a spectator – not forced to watch, not strong enough to look away.

“Is he okay?” I asked Life.

He shrugged, and smiled.

“Probably not – but I’ll do you a deal. Understand the lesson, and I’ll do what I can.”

“Lesson? What lesson…”

He said nothing. I looked in through the window once again, and the same sight greeted me. His tiny mop of blonde hair was matted with blood. I would have expected he would be crying his little lungs out by now.

“He’s in shock,” Life explained from just next to my left ear. “That’s why he’s so quiet. But he’ll start wailing soon.”

I paused.

“But no one will hear him…” I whispered.

“Except us,” Life smiled.

I looked once more into the toddler’s bright eyes, then turned my head to follow his gaze. Across two lanes of empty blacktop, upon a tilting star picket holding up a rusting three-strand wire fence, stood a crow.

The black bird’s piercing gaze had met that of the child. There was not even a skerrick of understanding between them, but I knew what was happening.

The child, without knowing it in the slightest, was fighting for its life. The bird, unemotional, was waiting for its dinner. The universe would sort this out. I couldn’t help myself.

I started to cry.

“Oh, come now,” Life beamed. “Your money’s no good here… and your tears aren’t for him. They’re for you.”

He touched my arm…

And we were gone.

We were standing in a darkened living room, in a suburban house in northwestern Sydney. A large buffet, bulging with knick-knacks stood along one wall – and pride of place on top, in the centre, was a tiny aluminium-framed fish tank.

Surrounding the fish tank was a not-inconsiderable quantity of water. It dripped quietly from the edge of the buffet, landing with a series of soft woollen ‘plops’ on the tight-weave carpet between the bare feet of a young boy. He was about three.

He stood next to a chair, dragged from the dining room and placed strategically by the buffet, so as to allow him access to the fish tank. In his cupped hands – a single goldfish. It looked dead, the boy distraught.

“Oh, man…” I moaned.

“It’s even worse than it looks… watch…” Life smiled.

There was a movement, and the boy’s mother arrived at the door. She took in the scene with one glance, as mothers are universally able to do, and sighed.

“What’s happened, little man?” she asked.

The boy sobbed. Once. Very quietly.

“I think he died,” he said, proffering the fish to his mother. “I took him for a walk and now I think he’s dead.”

The mother leaned in, looked closely.

“I think he might be,” she said quietly. “I don’t think he’s okay…”

“Are you sure?” the boy asked, before brightening suddenly. “Can I put him back in? See if he’s okay?”

The mother pulled the young boy into an embrace. Whispered that everything would be okay. And even without seeing his face, I could see that for a split second, that little boy honestly believed her… and that everything would be okay.

But in my heart, I knew that it wouldn’t be.

And we moved

To a bar, where an elderly man looked around the pub with rheumy eyes, before asking if someone could please drive him home.

“What’s wrong, Harry?” asked the woman behind the bar.

“It’s me wife… I think she’s dying, and I need to get home”

And we moved

To a park, where a young man was watching his girlfriend die, her asthmatic lungs too weak to work, and the wail of an ambulance barely audible in the distance.

And we moved

To a public toilet where, with the last vestiges of consciousness, a junkie realised that the fix he’d just piped directly to his heart would probably be the last thing he ever did.

And we moved

To a stark, featureless emptiness. I felt a sudden ghastly vertigo, and Life was instantly at my side, grasping my elbow with one hand and smiling like a carnival clown.

“Why?” I asked, shuddering. “Why show me these things?”

“You needed to see them. Therein lies the lesson…”

He smiled. We waited.

I turned the scenes over and over in my mind, but with each passing minute, my confusion overrode my ability to think. There was no lesson here. I sobbed in frustration, the sobs giving way to long, wailing howls of anger and remorse.

…

I don’t know how long I shouted for. But eventually, I simply ran out of steam.

But I knew. There was no lesson here.

“Are you okay?” Life asked, smiling politely.

“I hope so,” I said.

“Now there’s a word…” he grinned. “Hope.”

I arched an eyebrow by way of a question. After all I’d seen on this dark and horrible night, I could barely muster a word.

“If I were to ask you, ‘what have you seen tonight?’ what would you answer?”

I pondered for a moment.

“Death. You say you are Life, yet all you’ve shown me is death… and despair,” I murmured. My strength returned.

“You’re not a blessing. You’re a fiend,” I spat. “Every scene tonight has been a hopeless, horrifying experience. Innocence at the cusp of ending forever. Vitality oozing toward oblivion. Tears. Blood. Pain. Unimaginable utterings from the mind of the kind of beast that haunts the boundaries of my dreams…”

He smiled throughout.

“And…?”

I stopped.

He waggled his eyebrows.

“Hope?” I asked.

His eyes twinkled.

“Hope?”

His eyes brightened even further.

“Yes!”, he exclaimed. “YES!”

He danced a Snoopy-like dance of joy.

“Beyond all of the fear, above all of the pain, through all of the blood and surpassing even death itself, is hope,” he shouted, falling quiet so suddenly, I thought I’d been deafened. He rushed toward me, and grabbed my face between his hands, squeezing my cheeks with his palms.

“Let me help you… Think back…”

And I did.

The toddler’s eyes were vacant, devoid of expression – but at their very heart burned a flicker of hope with every tiny sound he heard.

Each drip… “Is that my mother?”

Each creak of the car… “Is that my mother?”

And on we moved

The young boy’s hands were trembling, and with each gentle shake, the fish seemed to quiver.

“He’s moving!” the boy exclaimed.

But the mother knew. She knew the truth.

And on we moved

To the front door of Harry’s house, where he let himself in with as much pace as he could muster. He heard a sound in the living room, and his heart seemed to leap. Could she still be alive?

And again, we moved

To the park, where the ambulance seemed to be getting louder, and the woman’s breathing more laboured and coarse.

And once more, we moved

To the toilet, to the junkie, whose panicked flailings had embedded the needle deeper into his arm, providing just enough pain to provide a point of focus – possibly just enough to stop him from closing his eyes, forever.

With a sound like a furious rushing wind, I was back with him once again.

“Hope…” I whispered.

“Hope,” he agreed. “It’s the single greatest gift that a man can have. You live your lives on the basis that one day, you all will die. And for most of you, that day is always considered so far away, that you barely give it a moment’s thought.

“If you did, it would paralyse you. Fight or flight is the primal response to fear with which you’ve been hard-coded. And the vast majority of people are so de-tuned to it all, that even that has been dulled to the point where you don’t consider death, even for a moment, most days of your life.

“And the people who aren’t desensitised are the ones you say are “mad” – the ones who fight the world around them with every drawn breath. The ones who rage to the skies – torture, bind and kill others…”

He paused.

“And then there are those who are, on an otherwise unremarkable day, confronted with the reality of their own mortality. Some buckle, and weep. Others grow defiant, and angry. Others simply retreat into their own special darkness.

“But every single one of them harbours a hope. And it’s the ones who lose hope, who are the ones who don’t survive…”

I barely had time to register my thoughts, before once more we were on the move.

Back

To the child in the car. Life leaned in the window, wiped the blood from the toddler’s face, stepped back and scared away the crow. He touched the lifeless hand of the young woman in the front seat, which twitched.

The movement caught the youngster’s eye, dragging his gaze from the receding image of the huge black crow flying away to find sustenance elsewhere. He barked out a short, coughing cry.

“Honey?” the woman said, and the boy – recognising his mother’s voice – howled.

“Sshh…” she whispered, fumbling at the seatbelt that she was sure had saved her life. “Mummy’s coming… Sshhh…”

Back

To the dining room, where a mother guided her young son’s hands, with their precious cargo of rapidly stiffening goldfish back towards the fishbowl in the hope that she was wrong.

As the fish touched the water, Life touched the fish. With a flick, it was away, the solemn silence broken by the delighted peals of joyous laughter. The smile on the young boy’s face was only matched in its intensity by the look of surprise on his mother’s.

Back

To Harry’s house, where he called from the front door.

“Ivy! Ivy, my love!”

Silence, punctuated by a slight rustling.

Urged on, Harry moved into the living room. There, on the floor, clutching a cross to her chest, which rose and fell slowly like a gentle tide, was Ivy. Kneeling beside her, smiling, was Life.

Back

To the park, where Life himself was breathing tenderly into the young woman’s tortured lungs. And where the sudden arrival of a stranger with Ventolin had changed the course of two young people’s lives.

Back

To the park toilet, where Life was squeezing the arm of the junkie, extruding the morphine from his vein like a river of white death.

And I was back at the diner.

Alone.

…

Postscript: Mike let me know that Waz could do with some cheering up. So I sat down to write something funny, and short. But this came out instead. It’s easily the longest thing I’ve written in about ten years. And I’ve no fucking idea where it came from.

 

At the heart of it, it’s just a story. And there’s a ham fisted attempt to tell impart some form of wisdom in there. Fuck… I dunno. It’s just a story. Make of it what you will.

 But I’d like to underscore the take-home message here.

Without hope, we are nothing.

Pig Psalm 17: Your balm is oinkment to mine eye

23 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Pig Psalms

≈ 14 Comments

Hear us, Oh Merv.

When Hedgie comes into your garden,

Smote him not because he meaneths no harm.

Take him unto your bosom and give to him the

Bailey’s of human kindness.

 

On ice.

For unto Hedgie a great burden has been visited.

He is a compulsive trimmer of the bush,

And he knoweth not the restraint.

 

After all, our Merv,

The difference between a seriously rogered hedge and a decorative border

Is about two weeks.

 

So long as Glenda and the girls at the Pig’s Legs Waxing and Beauty Salon

Receiveth not any crazy ideas of a similar ilk,

Fear not.

 

Your sideburns are safe in the trusted hands of herself.

 

And ever shall you enjoy tonsorial delight.

 

And the patrons de la palais de porc saw that Merv was happy

And the Bailey’s of human kindness flowed.

 

On ice, as it is in Antarctica

(And the backstreets of Kings Cross).

 

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