Hell To Relocate Main Office To Sydney

13 Friday Dec 2019

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Uncategorized

By The Shovel on December 12, 2019

Satan has announced plans to shift Hell’s HQ to Sydney, saying conditions there are more favourable.

“Our vision has always been to create a place where people can come to feel uncomfortable, so Sydney is perfect,” Satan told journalists today.

“One of the things that’s always bothered me about the current location is that it’s virtually possible to breathe. Our residents won’t have that problem in Sydney”. He said the current Hell headquarters and Sydney had a lot in common. “On the one hand you have this dystopian shitshow of smoke, fire and anguish, and then you have Hell which is very similar, although the rent is a little more affordable”.

Satan said there were other benefits of moving the headquarters to Sydney. “It’s difficult to get around, which I love. And we’ll be just a stone’s throw from Hillsong Church, which is where we source a lot of our residents”.

Pig-Tel’s Christmas Wonderland

10 Tuesday Dec 2019

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 4 Comments

For the Pet who has everything…

This year, Pig-Tel kicks off the Christmas spendfest with one of our all-time great pieces of completely useless shit..

The Pug-Tel automatic ball tosser – for the tosser who’s too lazy to bother throwing a ball for Rover / Rex / King / Rinty to fetch.

Yours for a modest $399 … batteries not included ….. solar powered model, complete with solar powered dog out soon. Free upgrades guaranteed.

Optional Petguard health insurance for the pooch who runs out before the batteries do…… just $39.99 per month*

*Covers 15% of your vet bills if you can come up with a sworn affidavit from a supreme court judge or QC.

Sadly, punters, this shit actually exists ! Kind off explains the last election result, doesn’t it….

Music for Pleasure Volume 20

07 Saturday Dec 2019

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Algernon

≈ 5 Comments

Playlist by Algernon

Music for gong gong – Osibisa

Do it again – Steely Dan

Promised Land – Johnnie Allen

Living in another world – Talk Talk

The piss, the perfume – Hayley Mary

I got a thing, you got a thing everybody’s got a thing – Funkadelic

The Wall Street shuffle – 10cc

Behind the wall of sleep – The Smithereens

Walls come tumbling down – The Style Council

Apeman – The Kinks

If you leave me can I come to – Mental as Anything

Live it up – Mental as Anything

Berserk warriors – Mental as Anything

Back of love – Echo and the Bunnymen

Kiwanuka – Michael Kiwanuka

30 Saturday Nov 2019

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Algernon

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Michael Kiwanuka

Album presentation by Algernon

This album has been released in recent weeks, his musical style is Indie and Folk rock with a fair dose of R&B. Michael is 32 and from London, the son of Ugandan parents who escaped the Idi Amin regime. He lists influences from Jimi Hendrix, Bill Withers, Otis Redding, Jack Johnson, Pops Staples, The Band, Joni Mitchell, Bob Dylan, Eric Dibb, Tommy Sims, Wham!, Richie Havens and Funkadelic, what’s not to like about that, list. Enjoy this, I did.

Kiwanuka – Michael Kiwanuka

Hip Hop for Seniors – and Cultivation Rap

25 Monday Nov 2019

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 8 Comments

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Hip Hop

The front line lady WITHOUT the cane at the start …. is 96, yo !

Story and Post by Emmjay

OK, well, I have to admit that I personally cannot stand rap music – I hesitate to call it music at all – especially that misogynist shit, but this hip hop clip inspired me to look and listen to rap from a senior perspective.

It strikes me that the kind of rap coming out of black ghettos in the so called United States is every kind of bad. But I thought, maybe if the topic was not so much violence against gangsta hoes but a topic closer to senior sensibilities, we could be onto some kin d of connection that might drag the fans of Ray Coniff Orchestra and Geoff Harvey’s Big Band (the late great Geoff Harvey … or was it Jeff ?) into the 21st century.

So, for your pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Cultivation-Rap.

C-Rap for Gardeners. (language warning).

I hate them fuckin aphids
Fuckin aphids, fuck eh,
Me an my crew gunna fuckin squash dem to a pulp
Fucken aphids, fucken aphids yo

An dem dirty fucken snails is de worstest fucken bugs
We’s gunna salt dair fucken arses
An squash dair fucken mugs.

We gunna shovel on some cow shit
Ta make de roses grow but mainly coz it pisses off

the fucken neighbours, yo ep. ep. ep. yo.

Evictions R Us

24 Sunday Nov 2019

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 4 Comments

The Latest from Pig-Tel Franchises. Get in at the Ground Level

Hey there ~~mug punters,~~ astute investors, what with the economy tanking and the rope a dope dipshit robodebt Centrelink Nazis running the roost, there’s never going to be a better time than this to get in at the ground level.

Pig-Tel is offering you, for the modest investment of $15,000 a fully paid-up franchise in our Evictions-R -Us Corporation.

We have an unlimited number of ~~grubby landlords~~ eager clients who need your services.

Bring your truck, muscles, a huuuuge and not too bright – but trainable – mate called Wayne or Bilal and your skills and knowledge of the midnight dumping industry …. And $15,000 in cash to the Pig-Tel Corporation Offices (in the rear of Rosies’ Tattoo Emporium and House of Pain – opposite from the Pig’s Arms and we’ll guarantee you a business opportunity that will never look back (not if it knows what’s good for it).

And remember our motto “Look, mug, if you had of paid the fucken rent, you wouldn’t be being chucked out on your arse…. Don’t give me that shit about you’ll be good on pension day… we’re past that, arsehole”.

Stop Press !!! Evictions R Us is offering a special premium franchise for rural operators ! Get into our office – and don’t get burnt !

Fire Revisited

23 Saturday Nov 2019

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Fire Revisited

Playlist by Algernon

With unprecedented fires burning across the country, the Prime Minister running away, hiding and unwilling to talk about climate change I thought it appropriate to revisit this list from May of 2014.

The Pig’s Arms sends our heartfelt wishes for the welfare of everyone harmed by the present environmental disaster. Let it rain, brothers and sisters, let it rain.

We didn’t start the fire – Billy Joel

Jump into the fire – Nilsson

The fire down below –Bob Seger

I’m on Fire – Bruce Springsteen

Light my fire – The Doors

Fire – The Pointer Sisters

Ring of Fire – Johnny Cash

Fire – The Ohio Players

Sex on Fire – Kings of Leon

This Wheels on Fire – The Byrds

The Unforgettable Fire – U2

Chariots of Fire- Vangelis

Beds are Burning – Midnight Oil

Rooms on Fire – Stevie Nicks

Fire on the mountain – Grateful Dead

Fields of Fire – Big Country

Smoke from a distant fire –Sanford Townsend

HRT

22 Friday Nov 2019

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Foodge Private Dick

≈ 9 Comments

Simulated picture of Granny – not to scale.

Story by Emmett

Big ? Yes, Foodge. Big, You know a bit about women’s health, don’t you ? A bit, yes, Foodge. What’s troubling you ?

It’s about Granny. What is it about Granny, Foodge ? Well, she’s not herself. In fact she’s, um, er, quite a lot crankier than she usually is.

Really ? Yes, and she, um, er, is a bit, you know, demanding – in an um , er, you know, wink wink kind of way. Just saying.

Go on. Well, she went on some kind of HRT thing and I’m a bit worried that something’s not quite right.

So how did that come about, Foodge ?

Well, she went to see her women’s business doctor and he gave her a bunch of hormone pills. And as I was saying, Big, she’s not been herself – but she does seem to be turning into some bloke she met at … you remember when Merv had that mixed marital arts competition in the tent in the carpark… it was after that. And he said that he could get her the hormone pills a lot cheaper than from the Cook’s River Compounding Pharmacy.

” I see” said Big. “And is she working out ?” Yes, I think so, I don’t reckon she’s got this way by eating wedges and tidying up the Farrowing Crate Merlot leftovers.

“No, I guess not” said Big