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~ The Home Pub of the Famous Pink Drinks and Trotter's Ale

Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle

Author Archives: Therese Trouserzoff

Rithmetic

25 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Uncategorized

≈ 12 Comments

Joe (Peter Griffin) Hockey

Joe (Peter Griffin) Hockey

In late breaking news today, Treasury Department staff were asked to take extended leave while the Treasurer works out how to do that ‘rithmetic thing.  This in itself has been hailed as a budgie saving.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Went to See a Man about a Boat

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

Indonesian sailors, island trader, Pinisiq

Pinisi1

Story by Emmjay

The fact that Indonesia has a multitude – literally thousands – of inhabited islands in the archipelago is often lost on we of the big island.  And I’m betting that by extension we fail to recognise Indonesia as the great seafaring nation that she is.  Our media seem to suggest that our maritime neighbour is characterised by unsavory people smugglers trafficking death and misery in rotten leaky sinkers.

The truth is that brave Indonesian (often Sulawesi) sailors have been plying a vigorous trade amongst islands in their archipelago and throughout south east Asia since well before the Indian hindus, then their Moghul conquerors, followed by the Portuguese, British and Dutch muscled in.

And like the fleets of the ancient Mediterranean, the Indonesian ships were – and still are – crafted from the iron wood trees of rapidly disappearing forests.  Indonesian flagged ships come in all shapes and sizes, but the fleet of island trading wooden ships and boats these days come in two main forms.  One is a variation on the Chinese Junk – efficient, spacious and with a low draft (but you’d be struggling to suggest the cargo versions have beautiful lines) and the other – in this story – is about a stalwart of their island trade – the Pinisiq.

Perhaps you might like to have a birds-eye view of one of Tony Abbott and Scott Morrison’s soon-to-be purchases.

This one carries mainly bagged cement and is loaded by 8 sinewy crewmen who weigh only a few kilos more than the bags of cement they stack in the hold.

Bridge

Unbelievably harsh conditions – heat and dust and hard work stacking cement bags in the hold – view from the wheelhouse

Wheelhouse

Our host – the big wheel is a relic of the sailing past – the tiny wheel to the right steers the now diesel- powered boat.

Crews Quarters

View along the main deck from the stern – next to the crew’s quarters

Galley

The galley. Serving a ships complement of nine. There was another badly fire damaged Pinisiq being repaired further along the quay. The propane cylinder had exploded and killed the cook. The crew went hungry for a week and the boat has been unseaworthy for a month after limping back to Jakarta.

Water Supplies

The “fresh” water supply – filled from a hose when in port. When at sea, the sailors rely on rainwater collected from the roof and channelled into these poly tanks.

Above Decks

Crew’s sleeping quarters. This was pitch dark – in the middle of the day and the camera insisted on using its flash to get the shot. Note the cement dust everywhere.

I asked our host how much one of these boats might cost Tony and Scott (Ship Chandlers to the Asylum-seeker Classes)- and the answer was “About 5 billion rupiah (about A$500,000).  The boat is totally hand-made and plying its trade through the archipelago feeds up to nine families of hard working sailors.

Considering this boat is a lot bigger than the fishing boats that come to Christmas Island – carrying scores of people for days on end, imagine carrying five or ten times the number of people.  Enough water ?  No scope for cooked food.  Sea sickness and one toilet perched off the portside stern – a sea-going version of the long drop.  All on a boat less than half this size.

museum

Renovated Batavia Maritime Museum – date above the door says 1719 – or nearly 70 years before Cook discovered our island.. 

Garbage Days

23 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Lehan Winifred Ramsay

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

climate change., garbage, Hokkaido, Matsumae, Seaweed, Town kids

KYOKO

KYOKO

 
Painting and Story by Lehan Winifred Ramsay

It is Big Burnable Garbage Day and I have waited three weeks and four or five years for this, it is the last of the Big Burnable Garbage of my little junk house in this seaweed village.

And it is the second time I have put out this garbage. One one of my first holiday days here I went for my morning walk and found garbage up and down the street all put out and ready to be collected, and I came back and assembled my own pile, very excited. From the dilapidated General Store I bought a page of Garbage Stickers, ten for three dollars and stuck them on each and every bundle.

There was a very big chest of drawers with all the drawers taken out and tied up into more piles. Stacks of plywood, wooden doors, paper doors, a bicycle. Sadly my neighbours were wrong, and their garbage was rejected, but worse still was that almost all of mine was too. They took the rusted bicycle. They put the doors into the truck, smashed out all the glass and then put the doors back on the road. And I had to pull it all back in. I stacked it in the lane with the permission of my neighbours and it cluttered up the street for two weeks.

And then again today was Big Burnable Day and there was nothing, nothing that was going to keep me from being here. Even the final funeral ceremony of my friend did not keep me from being here. Early I rose and dragged the chest of drawers back up to the road. All the plywood, now swollen with rain and mouldy and full of bugs, threatening to fall apart, to be retied, and the drawers, retied, and all the bits of wood from the glass doors, bundled, and I stacked this big pile by the side of the road and this time I did not check to see what my neighbours had put out because two weeks ago they were wrong.

And it was all out there, and quite early the garbage men came, about nine-thirty, and I went out to see them trying to figure out how the hell they were going to get it all into the truck, already pretty full, and lest they find a reason not to take some of it and break my heart I just waved and fled back into the house. And it was gone.

Even though it was a huge pile of garbage and I had fretted over it for two weeks and for five years before that it did not give me that feeling of huge success, because there was already more. All the plywood that had splintered and fallen apart in my garden, I had bags full of that, and all the broken glass from other doors people had put over the weeds to try to control them in my absence, that had all been scraped up and pulled up and put into more bags and all I could see were those bags. Was I going to be able to rid my house of those bags before my holiday was up.

There was a knock at the door and a neighbour appeared, one of the women who work part-time for the konbu fishermen, laying out the konbu to dry, sorting it, picking it up, laying it out to dry again. She had a bag. Here, she said. This is curry. This is seaweed. This is nira. I don’t know what nira is in English, it is a bit like a green onion and a bit garlicky.

It was all frozen, she had brought it from her freezer but I only have an esky in my kitchen and only sometimes with ice in it, ice is laughably expensive now that it is only for luxury, so it is not so practical. She stepped out of her shoes and into the house, which is only half-properly built these days, and sat down on all the things I had thrown onto the couch because I have thrown all the cupboards away. I cleared the couch for her and made her a cup of coffee and she had a cigarette and looked around.

Oh that’s a good painting she said, I made it I said make one of me she said okay come here at nine o’clock tomorrow I said, I have one canvas left.

She laughed with delight, had some cigarettes and the big cup of coffee and told me about her family; three sons and one daughter and six grandchildren and the youngest son married only last month and her husband and some complicated arrangements to be where things are now.

My next-door neighbour appeared, she was wearing a bright yellow scarf and she was pretty happy, she went to the Big Town on Monday and saw some movies with her friends and I think she may not have done that nearly enough since her husband died earlier this year but today – again! – she is going into the Big Town for an enka concert – some old-fashioned folk-wailing about love and the sea – and she said it wasn’t really her thing but anyway she was off soon on the bus.

And she pointed out the bags of plastics I had put beside the house because I put them out on the wrong day last week and they were refused, and that the crows had got into them and thrown everything around. My life here is about garbage disasters, I tell her and she says you BOUGHT garbage! You bought this HOUSE! It is true, I am without any common sense. Anyway while I have my neighbour in my house drinking coffee I can ask her lots of questions. She gave me some food. This is curry I thought she said but actually it is kare, a kind of fish. Quick! It’s an exchange of local produce! Throw it in a pot!

This village is dying out, is what people say. Even with the shinkansen coming in, still maybe five years away if we are lucky, it is dying out. They are lucky to make three classes for the Junior High school but the big thing is that even if the kids in High School were smart their parents cannot afford to send them to university, they don’t have dreams of going to university so it is unlikely that they will bother to do particularly well at high school. They get jobs and they go away. All of her kids live in Tokyo, and Sapporo, they got jobs there because there were no jobs here.

The sea is unwell, for a long time it hasn’t had much fish, it hasn’t had much seaweed, people only just manage on what they catch. She says the coast of Korea is much the same, the sea is dirty, who would swim in it. For a long time, not just for the three years of nuclear disaster. The sea is dirty from people using it as a dump. That is pretty terrible for an island like Hokkaido.

Perhaps it’s not a bad thing to be neglected at all in such circumstances. My student says it’s not so much the dirtiness of the water as the temperature of it that has risen, sending all the fish who lived around here up north to Russia, it’s global warming that is the problem. And then my friend the car man rides his motorcycle down for morning tea and says the coastline around here is much dirtier than other places, people have no respect for the sea and it’s that that’s the problem. But he also says we’re too far from the big town and anyway the big town has sea. And the sea walls aren’t very high and the houses close to the shore, there are more earthquakes and more tsunami than there used to be and it’s just dangerous these days.

I would like to feel that there was a way in which these villages could thrive. But what incentive is there for that. When you want fish you go to the big supermarket and you buy what everyone else buys. There is no fresh fish shop, there is no fresh vegetables shop to sell the produce that is grown around here. You buy what people in the city buy and it is more expensive and you have less choice because nobody will buy expensive stuff so only cheap stuff is what you see here.

But the worst thing I think is the kind of evolution of neglect. If your best kids cannot be their best then the natural effect of that will be that kids settle for moving to a big city and being second best. They don’t get what the city kids get – a fair chance. So they will always have lives that are a bit if a struggle and it is more unlikely that they will thrive and come back here, saying: I have some good ideas for this town.

This kind of city-led intelligence is creating overcrowded cities and dying towns, and just when our technology could be making a difference, when our enlightened thinking could be finding ways to bring people back to their villages, we are settling for big-town/moderate-climate intelligence.

I think that it is not intelligence. I think that any time a moderate climate dictates construction know-how, living know-how and system know-how the extreme edges of the climate are going to suffer, I see that in Australia too, where the very hot places are still negotiated using moderate-climate thinking. And where centralized distribution ensures that the advantage lies in a cluster and there is little advantage to not joining that cluster.

We should somehow be giving these small town kids, who have experienced life here, a way to use their knowledge to make something of their towns. And we’re not. My neighbour says that nobody famous has come from Matsumae in the past twenty years and I think in a country where there is a constant search for local specialities and curiosities, that should not be the case.

If seaweed kids do not go to university and become Masters and Doctors we will have no more seaweed kids, we will lose the species. More simply, more short-term, if we forget how easy it is to say to someone: that is very good, you are very good at that, then we are relying on the system to find those people. This moderate-climate city-cluster system is never going to find anything that doesn’t suit it. It is not to be relied on.

Here is the painting I painted of my neighbour, her name is Kyoko.

Girl’s Talk

20 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Uncategorized

≈ 18 Comments

girls_talk

Playlist by Algernon

Time for a little music to soothe the soul after a week of teeth gnashing. Time  to calm down the hoards.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTkhBuNdMgY

Girls talk – Dave Edmunds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9GlC9GyF4Y

Alison – Elvis Costello

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDkKyBU7GCs

Rhiannon – Fleetwood Mac

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOGxBpMmPHw

Pamela Pamela – Wayne Fontana

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSzURtkp36k

Emma  – Hot Chocolate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b31L4P7G5j8

Eloise – The Damned

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBt3_TuhuEw

Janie Jones – The Clash

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nlX7P0nhaI

Shenna is a Punk rocker – The Ramones

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8srPkl2PzJ4

Oh Jean – The Proclaimers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otJY2HvW3Bw

Suzanne – Leonard Cohen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3EmA-eJPxs

Roxanne – The Police

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RjqcTsxx-8

Ophelia – The Band

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5_QV97eYqM

Cecilia – Simon and Garfunkel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67BFvgOio58

Delilah – Tom Jones

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLvBpnaVHE8

Gloria – Them

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ixqbc7X2NQY

Lola – The Kinks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fX5USg8_1gA

Layla – Eric Clapton

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nelson the Cat Update V2.1

12 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Ricardo

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Nelson the Cat, Ricardo Vaughan

Nelson 3

Editor’s Note:  So, if you own a smartphone or an iPad, you’ll be familiar with the daily update notices where lovely application developers seek to improve their worthy products.  Well, digital publishing seems to be working the same way.  Herewith, Ricardo Vaughan offers a DIY update to his favourite feline’s estimable tome.  

THE TRAILS AND TRIBULATIONS OF NELSON THE CAT (AMENDS)

p.6 final para – please replace ‘for my testes?’ with ‘concerning the irrevocable surrender of my reproductive organs?’

p.9 1st para – replace ‘the lamentable buffoons who alleged to be’ with ‘certain’ so it now reads ‘…continually distracted by the outrageous exploits of certain buffoons within the England Rugby Team.’

p.11 2nd para – please replace ‘the Haka’ with ‘their pre-match ritual’

p.11 final para – please expand 4th line to ‘on or off the pitch’

p.12 1st para – please delete the entire section from ‘Or maybe it was partly due to the Mediterranean lifestyle in Toulon… to …anything else that can be sold on the black market.’

And replace with ‘Hopefully this outstanding servant to English Rugby may one day become coach of England and produce a team of champions on the pitch and gentlemen off it.  Though if it were me I would not want to give up the Mediterranean lifestyle in France which I imagine would be slightly more agreeable than life on the Tyneside Riviera.’

p.12 3rd para – please replace ‘JW’ with ‘Gentleman Johnny’

p.13 4th para – please expand to ‘…spear tackled by two catapulted midgets…’

p.13 4th para – please change the sentence from ‘I felt I had run into a miniature Tana Umaga and Kevin Mealamu’ to ‘I felt as if I had run into miniature versions of the fearsome Samoan wingers Tonna Brix and Craig Moltenlava.’

p.13 5th para – replace ‘…he had staggered off to another bar, accompanied by his entourage’ with ‘he had disappeared along with his entourage.’

p.14 2nd para – please delete ‘No wonder she is in the Olympic Team.’

p.14 3rd para – please replace ‘I was soon bored to death by …’ with ‘I was mesmerised by…’

p.16 1st para change the quote to ‘Why don’t you bugga off back home to Pommieland you stupid mongrel cat.’

p.16 2nd para – delete entire para from ‘But every long white cloud… to … most welcome to watch the match with them.’

p.16 6th para – amend to ‘….presumably decided to train for the triathlon by diving into Auckland harbour.’

p.16 7th para – amend ‘the rest’ to ‘some of the other members’

p.16 last para – please expand to ‘Going back to the Albino Blacks’ pre-match ritual…’

p.17 1st para – replace ‘…‘The Caveman’ Sebastien Chabal…’ with ‘the two metre giant Jean-Luc Chasseur des Laineux-Mammouths’

p.17 3rd para – replace ‘JW’ with ‘Gentilhomme Jean’

p.18 4th para – replace delete ‘of misfits’

p.20 last para – please replace ‘(supposedly trendy)’ with ‘retro’ and delete ‘(and was the spit of Morrisey)’ so it reads ‘He wore big, black, retro National Health Service glasses which accentuated his doleful demeanour.’

p21 1st para – please replace ‘Morrissey’ with ‘Professor Smith’

p.23 3rd para – please replace ‘…queried David Attenborough…’ with ‘…queried my ornithologically challenged LHC…’

p.28 2nd para and p.32 1st line please amend ‘e-coli’ to ‘E.coli’.

p.29 2nd para – please change ‘999%’ to ‘9,999.01%’

p.32 3rd para and p.33 1st para – please replace ‘Kate Winslet’ with ‘the most beautiful actress in the world’

p.36 last para – please delete hyphen next to ‘30’

p.41/ 43 #26 – please replace ‘Marie-Madeleine Lapin’ with ‘Aimée Toutlemonde’

p.41/ 44 #27 – please replace ‘Vincent Cassel’ with ‘Mathieu Allezengrève’

p.41/ 44 #32 – please replace ‘Gerard Depardieu’ with ‘Guillaume Taxe de Séjour’

p.42/ 44 #38 – please replace ‘Bradley Wiggins’ with ‘Chris Froome’

p.42/ 44 #39 – please replace ‘Lance Armstrong’ with ‘El Diablo’ (‘an El Diablo’ on p.44)

p.46 (new) #12 ‘Enchanté de faire votre connaissance, Madame. Je m’appelle Oui.’

p.47 (new) #12 ‘Delighted to meet you, Madam. My name is Noddy.’

p.48 2nd para – please replace ‘Twinings’ with ‘Darlinks’

p.54 penultimate para – after ‘Summer has come early. Hurrah!’  please add  ‘After two consecutive days of sunshine in England the water authorities up and down the country sprang into action and imposed hosepipe bans with immediate effect.’

p.55 3rd para – please delete ‘…as a tax exile…’

p.57 final para – please delete the hyphen after ‘2’

p.61 5th para – please expand to state ‘an English Lorena Bobbit.’

p.65 2nd line – please expand to ‘Go the Gers. I hate Lennon.’

p.66 after para ending ‘…get together and play football?’ please add a new para:-

‘At least humans exchange pleasant and polite messages on Facebook unlike many of those who use Twitter. Another deplorable trait in humans: socially inept scoundrels who hide behind the anonymity of the Internet to be vitriolic, offensive and ill-mannered. If they cannot say anything pleasant or constructive about someone then why say anything at all?’

Stay tuned for the next action-packed injection of hilarity updates when we release V2.1S

Guns is Big Business – Blow away 60 seconds !

11 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Uncategorized

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

American gun industry, Big Bertha, Michelle Cox

Big Bertha WWI German Cannon

Big Bertha WWI German Cannon

http://www.onlinemba.com/blog/business-of-guns

From time to time we get unsolicited pieces offered to our august little pub.

This one comes from Michelle Cox – who would like to hear your comments.

Michelle was alerted to our interest when Gerard’s posts on guns flew in through the pub door.

The Sounds of Sirens – The Final Conclusion

10 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Lehan Winifred Ramsay

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Abbott, Rudd

Conclusion to Lehan Winifred Ramsay’s mini-series

IT’S HERE. BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND. THE STORY THAT THE OTHER MAINSTREAM MEDIA REFUSED TO RUN

Two men stand on the dais before the Great Walk On The Water. It is The Course of History and Only One Man can Survive. There is Mister A Boat. And there is Mister Rudder.

Neither of them of course prepared to admit that the most vehement, the most emphatic subject of their campaign was based entirely on the boatiness of their names and how that was going to resonate to the public. Even Mister Rupert Murdoch has not been shameless enough to invoke the name of the McCales Navy in this fight-to-the-death, preferring a more nuanced referencing of Hogan’s Heroes. This is probably because he can edge in not only a reference to women but also the ongoing social controversy in America concerning weapons and therefore get the conversation round to John Howard again.

This is The Walk On Water and it should not even be attempted by someone who is not prepared to swear that they will in their determination to become the Leader of This Great Country of Ours try absolutely anything. Things that ordinarily you would be put into a mental hospital for, things that ordinarily might be considered not cricket. Mister A Boat is prepared to say that he would consider anal sex, that’s pretty shocking and it is not going to be topped by Mister Rudder and that is probably why he is going to fall through that great Partisan Platform out there. We all know that, apparently, even though the contest has not yet begun. Anyone who doesn’t know that is really dumb.

There are other rituals for the attaining of manhood and Leadership of course but since that nasty incident last year with the Walking Barefoot On Coals at one of those Tony Robbins events nobody is even going to suggest them. So that’s enough of a lead-in here, our two candidates are at the waters shore now and they have taken off their shiny black shoes being careful to untie the laces first and peeled off their breathable socks cuts down on athletes foot and they have taken their first steps and YES! It DOES! It DOES look like they can walk on water! In fact they ARE, they ARE walking on water it is a small miracle here today folks but a big one for Christianity which is being redeemed as we watch. Oh god, the humanity.

A bold step each of them takes out onto the water and another and another both looking very confident and somehow bigger and more emphatic with each step. But oh Mister Rudder has just dropped below the surface of the water some of the security are just donning life jackets and reading health and safety regulations they will be out there in just a moment. But oh wait there is a kind of choir that has popped up there they are singing. Everything’s all right now everything’s fine. And it’s cool and the ointments sweet for the fire in your head and feet and I think this was meant to be an interlude it is clear that Mister Crow has really done a lovely job with the local volunteers and this could be a bit of a highlight. We are just segueing smoothly into Les Miserables now. Mister Rudd has been pulled in by a pole with a robotic looking arm there.

Mister A Boat, he is still walking. He is just walking and walking, across the water, and from here his hair it seems to be growing, almost leonine, the hair dye seems to be fading, from here he appears almost hawkish, it is quite remarkable. I understand that it looked good to start them both off at the Parliament House but Mister A Boat is just getting further and further away, who knows where it is going to end today. People have started blowing whistles now, trying to get his attention there is talk of ordering in some of those things from the South African World Soccer Cup vuvulesas perhaps but he seems distracted by something, he is looking a little up into the sky, he seems to be seeing something there, something up there, in the sky. Anyway that’s how it happened here today.

The Green T-shirt

10 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in LindyP

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

LindyP, the Greens

 TheGreensBlack

Story by LindyP

Every state and federal election day I stand there -the lone figure -in my green T shirt – searching for faces that I think will vote Green. Unfortunately in Perth , they are few and far between and so instead I like to observe people’s body language as they pass by.

I like to put them into groups –

First come the angry ones ,full of unspeakable resentment and horror that a person in a green T shirt has the nerve to stand there and offer them a card -they glare at me as if they could tear the T shirt off my back ,stamp on it and burn it in front of everyone there and then. They storm past me in silent fury and I can almost see the steam rising out of their ears.

Then come the quiet stony faced ones ,they avoid my glance and outstretched
hand ,keeping their own hands deep in pockets and completely ignoring the fact that I am present -I am invisible to this group -perhaps I am living in a parallel world -or perhaps like the bower bird they only recognise the colour blue.

Finally there are the cringers , avoiding my glance and hugging their shoulders as they furtively slip past me in a widening semi circle -as if they will catch some terrible disease if they come too close. The look says it all.

At the end of my shift I join the queue and go inside to vote. People in the queue are pleasant , friendly and chatty .

Little do they know that underneath my coat, my green T shirt lies waiting for it’s day of glory !

lindyp

The Sound of Sirens

09 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

election barbie

Story by Lehan Winifred Ramsay

Suddenly we’re transported back to the seventies, the primary schools are full of nice neighbourly types mutiplying cakes and sausages like spelling bee champions. And it’s welcome to Australia, the votes are stoppable again and real, sensible, machine wash and drip-dry cotton synthetic mix politicians are in charge. There are tie-pins, and small floral bouquets, and the women are wearing hats.

I go down to the local primary school but even from the gate I’m starting to perspire anxiously. There are no stalls and the caretaker is looking at me with suspicion. I’m here to vote, I say but no, he says there is no voting here today. But it’s happening, everyone, around the world I say, they are voting in New York, in LA, in London town. He goes in a phones someone and I can hear him talking no he says she says she wants to vote, and comes out and tells me maybe come back on Monday when the principal will be here.
Maybe there’s another school somewhere close with a sausage sizzle.

I want to check the ABC because I know people were saying the geo-block is off but no, the internet, it’s not working, did they forget to ungeoblock here? We don’t usually get the internet around here and I was looking forward to tuning my television in to it and also checking the football. I’ve only got until six o’clock and time is running out.

Some men walk on the water, everybody looking on. It isn’t a miracle, for years and years they’ve been building under the water a kind of platform that cunningly disguises itself as fluid. One man he miraculously turns back time; he puts the women back in their places, he puts the ratbag party members back in their places, he shows us how in the bathtub we can just push the boats with our fingers and make them head off to a mythological Papua New Guinea. Ooh, we say. What can the other man do? He makes his daughters dress up in nice sensible dresses and stand politely. Say nice things about their dad. And smile while they do it. Oh we say. Now that’s something we like to see.

The young people are all staying out of trouble, voting for the Pirate Party and the Sex Party and the Computer Hackers party so there ain’t gonna be any swings or roundabouts there. It’s down to the line, down to the mums and dads and grandmas and grandpas. For the grandmas and grandpas it’s Christine Keeler, a bit of a whiff of profumo and Bob Hawke. Hogans Heroes and those Nazis, things we can really get our chalk into. But what to do for the mums and dads, they can be a bit flighty now they know how the internets work.

We can have the men do a bit of cooking that’s always a bit contemporary. Nothing too fancy we all know it’s possible to make something restaurant like in fifteen minutes thankyou Jamie Oliver but who has the time these days the economy is always so sensitive these days. What we need is the kind of blokey stuff their dads did when they were kids. What we need is a bit of a Paul Hogan thing; the surf club and the barbeque, so that when they get to the sausage sizzle they feel more comfortable with those complicated voting cards. A smooch at the ladies, a bit of a joke about the men, one that doesn’t alienate the homosexuals, makes them still feel included. We’ll put in the multicultural candidates and some women, in some of the seats we’re likely to lose, if they fail it won’t be too much of a disaster.

Taxes are covered, we’ve got that carbon tax. So we don’t have to raise anything or lower anything else it’s great! In fact we can stay off most of the usual economic things. Nobody’s complaining about petrol, the banks have covered interest rates so we’ve got that off our backs too. But back to the election day coverage. We’ve got the surf clubs. We’ve got the schools working with us and the choirs are out. Higher education is just crossing its fingers. All those movie stars were lining up for the backing vocals of Les Miserables but we told them to just pipe down and they’re good, they’re just writing funding applications now.

But we’re here in Canberra, at the lake in front of the parliament house, and on national television two men are going to step out onto that water and only one is going to make it, and that’s how we’re going to know who should lead the country in this election. The crowds have assembled. They’re well-behaved, they should be for the kind of overtime rates they’re getting today. They’ve been vetted for political preference and they’re prepared to say anything if they can have a job on Monday, they’ve signed up for that. They’ve all been given a boxed lunch and a bottle of water and the portaloos are standing by.

Two men step onto the red carpet that takes you from the parliament house down to the lake. Behind them you can see the hilt of the Excalibur Sword buried in parliament house facade, it’s gleaming in the mid-morning light. One of the men is wearing his speedos on the outside of his blue nylon Myer suit and you can see, it wrinkles here and there but those wrinkles just fall away with a bit of stretching. The other man is just not looking very athletic at all, he’s looking tense and worried that his glasses might get pushed off. It’s clear already who is gonna have the faith that this stunt is going to work, and it’s clear who thinks that nifty underwater platform is gonna suddenly open up and with a Big Brother scream of jubilation see him sink into the water toward a fate of political oblivion. It’s a tense moment for the cameramen who have been told the suspense has gotta carry us through to the evening programming.

Which of our feckless political candidates will win this battle of confidence. Stay tuned for next week’s exciting conclusion to
The Sound of Sirens.

This Week’s Playlist

09 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Uncategorized

≈ 11 Comments

spare tyre

Playlist By Halfpasthuman (HPH)

These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ -Nancy Sinatra

Sunny Afternoon – The Kinks

Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick- Ian Dury

i put a spell on you -creedence clearwater revival

Life on Mars -David Bowie

Deep Purple – Child in Time (Official Video) [HQ]

Dare- Gorillaz

Dire Straits – Once Upon A Time In The West

“Hotel Hell” Eric Burdon & The Animals 1967

how blue can you get -Cyndi Lauper

back to black- amy winehouse

Main Title Theme (Billy) – Bob Dylan

sadeness – enigma

Twosome -deep forest

Punjab – karunesh

cesaria evora and salif keita yamore

Tiffany Poon plays Beethoven Moonlight Sonata

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