My eldest son sent me this clip probably just to show me that I wasn’t that great after all, just kidding.
Acoustic Blues at it’s Best
23 Sunday May 2021
Posted in Mark
Category Archives: Mark
Foodge versus Buntings
24 Saturday Apr 2021
Posted in Foodge Private Dick, Mark
Tags
Written by Mark
Foodge was feeling pensive, no apprehensive, no nervous and a little ill as he had just taken a long swig from a pocket flask with South Seas Blue Label scotch that O’Hoo just happened to have in his jacket pocket. This was his day in court after being kicked out of Buntings for wearing his pant bulger.
“I rang the clerk of the court last night to find out who the Judge is” says O’Hoo “ It’s genitalia”
“Genitalia is your private parts, you know your dingle dongle” replies Foodge.
“Here look, I writ in down”
“That’s Jenny Taylor not genitalia. You have a one track mind O’Hoo and Judge Jenny has her own television show, you know, on one of those channels that no one watches.”
“Here, drink this” as O’Hoo passes the flask as he steers the Zephyr down the main boulevard to the court house “and granny has put a couple of semi-automatic rifles plus extra ammo in the back seat just in case we need a fast get away. Isn’t she a sweetie.”
Hmm, thinks Foodge, neatly doing away with the need for apostrophes saving the author extra typing. What have I got myself into. Well if anything at least it makes a good story. Gee this South Seas Island Blue Label tastes great as the scotch kicks in.
“Park here” cries Foodge.
“It says no parking and we wouldn’t want to encourage kiddies to break the law now would we.” replies O’Hoo desperate to get more screen time.
Hmm, thinks Foodge, since when has O’Hoo developed a conscience. At least Judge Jenny will give us a fair trial and with the extra whiskey Foodge’s confidence is growing.
Judge Jenny addresses the court “Ladies and Gentleman we are gathered here today to join this loving couple in matrimony, oops, that was the last case, anyway we are gathered here today to hear the case of Foodge versus Buntings for personal and professional damages. Mr Foodge a poor downtrodden man who not only has lifted himself off the floor of the Pigs Arms to prop up the baa to being appointed to the baa of the legal profession. Versus Buntings, a mutlibillion dollar international conglomerate that steps on anyone to get their own way. The poor downtrodden Mr Foodge is naturally representing himself and for Buntings Mr Blah Blah.” The groans are palpable, this guy can talk under water with a mouth full of pebbles.
Mr Blah Blah kicks off “Well ma’am, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I refer you to your book of documents ma’am 1 A, B and C. A being the story written by Big M with B and C being statements from the sales attendants. We plead not guilty.”
Foodge gets thrown out of Buntings https://pigsarms.com.au/2021/03/31/foodge-gets-thrown-out-of-buntings/
Foodge replies “No dispute from me ma’am however I do have a witness who was standing behind me in the queue. I call Private Road.”
Private Road takes the stand and swears and oath “I swear to tell the whole truth nothing but truth so help me Gordon O’Donnell, oh and maybe a few porkies, just kidding.”
Judge Jenny intervenes “Are you in the Army?”
“No ma’am”
“So what is your first name?”
“Well it’s private ma’am”
Hmm, thinks Judge Jenny “Well yes when my husband and I go for a weekend drive in the country we can see you are very popular.”
“Ma’am, I would like to question my witness, with you leave.” interjects Foodge as he senses this episode is getting away from him. “Can you tell the court what you witnessed on that day being the 31st June 1904?”
“Well yes. Big M’s story and the attendant statements are all true however Mr Foodge here wasn’t doing anything wrong, he simply had his pant bulger in place. I was standing behind him with two of the same. You see ma’am I have Micropenile encephalopathy, colloquially called small dick brain however the medical fraternity refer to it as MP’s. I had two pant bulgers in my hand when security guards pounced on Mr Foodge and threw him out and he didn’t even get a sausage from the sausage sizzle.”
“Yes well, Mr Foodge, what are you seeking in damages?” asks Judge Jenny.
“Well ma’am ten million Inner Cyberia Dollars and free sausage sizzle on white bread with onions and tomato sauce for the rest of my days.” replies Foodge.
“Order granted, case upheld. All damages accepted. Court costs to be paid by Buntings seeing you sell pant bulgers. Just one last question Mr Foodge, what does a pant bulger do?”
“Well it makes you appear more attractive to the opposite sex, not that I would ever tell granny that, by giving the impression that you are well endowed ma’am.”
The packed gallery went wild.
Mrs O’Way is Aggro
30 Tuesday Mar 2021
Posted in Mark
Tags
Belinda, Gordon O’Donnell, Hung One On, janowrite, Mark, Merv, Mother O'Way, Mrs O'Way, Sister Yvonne
“I’ve had enough of this shit” roars Mrs O’Way, whose first name is Belinda by the way. Belinda is the the little sister of Glenda from Glenda’s Pain and Torture Clinic, just down the road and around the corner from the Pigs Arms. “The Fictional Characters Union has just amalgamated with the Characters Fictional Union to become the FUCU(Fictional Union of Characters United) and we’ve become the laughing stock as now everyone is referring to us as fuck you.”
“Merv, pour me a double South Sea Island Blue Label and are you fictional or real?” she demands.
“I think I’m real, no hang on a minute, that’s right I’m fictional but a union member of FUCU” replies Merv.
“So fuck you” says Mrs O’Way.
“ Hello, look author here. I’m not into this swearing stuff so please close your eyes when you are reading some rude words. Anyway kiddies may be watching.” says Mark from the commentary box.
“So hands up, who here is real?” demands Mrs O’Way. A limp response is recorded. “What about fictional?” same sort of reply.
“Are there any cats here we can shoot?” asks Algernon.
“Hope so” replies Big M. “Anyone seen Mother O’Way?”
“STFU Big, do you want Gordon to zap our brains out?” cries Algernon.
“What brains would that be?” Big M replies. Good point thinks Algernon.
“Look I used to be real till I came across the Pigs Arms” says Sister Yvonne.
#Metoo say the girls, oh boy, I can see a movement happening.
“Now, now, lets just all keep this in Perspex” says janowrite out of left field.
“Drinks on the house” says Merv trying to avoid a disaster, “did you mean perspective jano?”
“Probably but a South Seas Blue Label will do me” janowrite struggles at this point to attempt to see what’s happening in this story but you are in it now, bad stinking luck, just ask Sister Yvonne.
“Where’s my Sandy” cries Mrs O’Way, oops I mean Belinda.
“Well sorry love but he’s down at the dress shop”
“You’re not allowed to say that Merv otherwise Gordon will zap our brains out, hey there’s a cat” says Algernon in a timely fashion as only he can do.
Big M and Algernon open fire with their shotguns and unfortunately after open heart surgery the cat dies. Snigger, snigger. Oh well, that’s how it goes, snigger, snigger.
Mrs O’Way, oops, sorry, Belinda, belts the boys around the head with an umbrella.
“Where did that come from Belinda?”
“Out of the props section, they have lots of things in there, even dildos”
“Yeah I can see a #catkiller movement starting as well, lucky I’m smart” says someone unnamed form the FUCU. Is that you Hung?
“Not me, I’d never say something rude or smart, I’m a nurse you know and us nurses never are rude or swear or are smart aren’t we.”
Some History
07 Sunday Feb 2021
Posted in Mark
This is where I grew up. The photo was taken in 1904. So if you take 1904 from 2021 you get twenty five. Makes me 26 this year. That’s right isn’t it Algy?
As you can see, transport hasn’t changed and the big building on the corner is the Ryan’s Hotel which meant getting to the pub was much harder than getting home. My brother-in-law and I can attest to this on many occasions.
The Illawarra Escarpment hasn’t changed a dickie bird whereas me and my brother-in-law have.
The town is called Thirroul which means “easy to pub, hard to get home” in the local lingo and in the late 1880’s everyone spoke French so the locals knew that then.
The roads are still shit and now traffic lights are needed to control the flow of horse drawn buggies. Gee how things have changed.
The Bishop is Worried
25 Friday Dec 2020
Posted in Mark
I think I better go to the pub. That’s where Father O’Way is and that’s how I, Bishop Bishop, come into the story. If you don’t know the story about me then look through the archives under the Church of St. Generic Brand or something like that. I’m really famous, or so I think.
So anyway I digress, which is the only thing that I’m good at. I’m called the Bish for some reason that escapes me but I’ll drop into the Window Dressers Arms Pig and Whistle. Boy Big M, does that increase the word count or wot.
I ask some questions “Where is Father O’Way? Why am I doing this? Is Valium really that bad? Can I have a pint of best with a whiskey chaser? So many questions so little time.”
Merv pours a beer and some whiskey for me but he doesn’t speak so he doesn’t have to include inverted commas and the he says she said bit in the next part of this dialogue. Thank Gordon for spelling correctors. It also cuts down on paragraphs.
Sister’s Yvonne and Barbara levitated onto their stools. “Pink drinks all round ” said Sister Yvonne who hadn’t learn the lesson from the above paragraph where it’s better not to say much so there’s a lot less typing. Get the picture.
“Is your stool satisfactory Sister Barbara?”
“Yes, more than satisfactory I would say Sister Yvonne” helping get the word count up.
Meanwhile Algernon and Big M sat on their usual stools with their shotguns loaded just in case a cat happened to come through the door. One can only hope.
I says to Merv “You look rah,rah,rah, um stuffed” ignoring my own advice on inverted commas.
Didn’t you read Meet Mervette thinks Merv, oh good boy, he knows the rules.
Where’s Sandy I think.
Well he can go home now seeing I’m back behind the bar thinks Merv.
Gee, isn’t it good when you think things through. Gordon will be pleased.
Merv thinks I need another beer and whiskey chaser. This is getting better by the minute.
Parrot Fish
29 Thursday Oct 2020
Posted in Mark
I feel sorry for the parrot fishes! Yes this fish can be eaten, but for us divers this is a big No No!!! There are important reasons why we should not eat them and we should educate the fishermen to stop catching these beautiful fish! Please do spare them … the ocean needs them to regenerate. Read below to be educated. They’re lots of fish you can catch in the sea. They can sell and cook the other fish, but leave the parrot fish!
Here is why: (c&p from the web)
Parrotfish eat algae and dead coral*. They spend up to 90% of their day nibbling. In other words, they clean the reef. This is important because most of the reefs across the tropics are being smothered by algae because there are not enough parrotfish and other herbivores out there grazing.
After all that eating, get this: They poop fine white sand – lots of it! Each parrotfish produces up to 320 kilograms (700 pounds) of sand each year.
Their numbers are so depleted, and algae levels are so high, that they cannot be fished sustainably right now anywhere in the Caribbean. These flamboyant, algae-eating, sand-pooping fish need to be left in the water. And when they are left to chomp away, they do a brilliant job. A massive new report concludes that reefs where parrotfish were abundant in the 1980s are the reefs that are healthy now.
There is a reason for their existence so please let’s not eat them … To our Govt. Please educate our fishermen… Say no to catching parrot fish! Let’s not buy parrot fish so they won’t catch them anymore.
Please share..
Kangaroo Court
18 Sunday Oct 2020
Posted in Mark
Kangaroos hop down my street every day or so. They eat your lawn, veggie patch and anything else that takes their fancy. They are environmentally friendly and let vegetation regenerate.
The king kangaroo would stand at over two metres high and would kill you if you got too close. People around here hate them and will shoot them at any opportunity. Dickheads around here love to run them down in their four wheel drives, makes me sick at times. Roadkill, what for? Fucking nothing.
I can’t eat them as once I got really sick but the details are gory so I won’t go into it except to say that it wasn’t the kangaroo steak that made me sick.
When it’s drought I leave water out for them but I don’t tell my neighbours as the shotguns would come from me. They eat so little compared to sheep and cattle. It’s the sheep and cattle that are ruining the river flats.
In the last week I’ve seen, snakes, turtles, roos, echidnas, wallabies and goannas. After 35 years in Adelaide I’m now the lucky one. I can look outside my side door and watch Rosellas, King Parrots, Major Mitchells, White Cockies, Wheat Birds, Kookaburras and have Sea Eagles, Owls, Hawks and other birds that stay high up in the gum trees. The only bird I don’t like is the Koel bird that has an awful cry and is a cuckoo. The Koel bird comes down from Indonesia each summer and is a pain in the arse. Lays it’s eggs in the nest of honey eaters. The hatched chick eats the other eggs in the nest then keeps the parents feeding it till it flies home.
If I go down to the headland and can see whales going up and down the coast depending on the time of year, dolphins surfing and the local creek has flathead, bream, ducks and pelicans.
Geez, I’m lucky and I never realised it.
Written and authorised by Mark at a town near you.
Merv meets no Name
12 Saturday Sep 2020
Did you say root darling?
Written by Mark
Hello, Merv here or hear, whatever you like. Never been one for correctness. Anyhoo this geeza walks into the bar the other day. This is what happened.
“Gidday mate” replied in my normal friendly but neutral composure.
“Yeah mate, I’m here for the job” says this geeza.
“So what job was that?”
“An exciting new character at the Pigs Arms Hotel. Here, I was sent by the agency, the Fictional Characters Union, all the paper work is here.”
“So, what’s your name then?” being always on the lookout for a scam.
“Um, dunno. They didn’t tell me”
“So you don’t know your name, your from the agency, hmm, so what can you do that’s exciting and new ?”
Never get between Merv and a pie…
“Well, I can play chess, sort of and the ukulele, sort of , oh yes and I once had a piano lesson.”
Things were starting to go downhill.
I decided to ramp up the atmosphere.
“No skydiving, no rodeos, so how exciting does it get. So if you have no name then the Pigs Arms will have to name you” Merv is now ruining a good story.
[Merv we didn’t want that till later. I frigging hate you sometimes]
“How about Neville or Baxter?” says the man with no name.
“Fuck off, something spicy for the viewers like Gonzales or Geoffrey.” Funny thing was that I hate both of those names.
“So, Merv, what is your last name?” says Gonzales or Geoffrey or Neville or Baxter.
I wished I looked this good…
“I don’t have one” says hypocrite Merv. “Wot’s yours?”
“Smith actually”
“So no first name Smith, lets call you Abba Zoodoo” Merv ponderously states.
“Okay from now on my name is Abba Zoodoo Gonzales Geoffrey Smith Neville Baxter ” says Abba. “Fuckin’ happy now.” Gez I hate authors.
“ So Abba Zoodoo Gonzales Geoffrey Smith Neville Baxter getting the word count up with you new name is invaluable, but in your view given this is comedy should have I said knew instead of new? And if I had a last name I would call myself …”
Merv wants to go to School
12 Wednesday Aug 2020
Posted in Mark
Yes, we are all for education…
Merv wants to go to School.
by Mark.
Hi, Merv here, I fink like, you know, I wanna go to school, just so I can say smart arse things at the bar when I’m working. Like you know if some gezza comes in and orders two pints of Special, I can turn around and say “I think therefore I am”. Whadda ya reckon, sounds good to me. But education is shit so I talk to my good friend Foodge(FOO), who is my legal adviser and any direct questions from this article should go directly to him via the Fictional Characters Union, 000, at your nearest capital city.
FOO: So what’s in an education for you. Let me ask you this. If you have nothing to start with and nothing at the end what do you have?
Merv: Nothing
FOO:1 take away 1
Merv: Nothing
FOO: Two hungry navvies arrive at the bar and order a pint and a pie. What’s left?
Merv: Nothing.
“Thank Gordon we have turned that interview technique off, so Merv you don’t need school” says Foodge reverting from FOO.
“Well I did have to go to the doctor” says Merv, “hey why can’t we go back to that old interview technique, boy, is this eating up the word limit and it’s good fun”.
FOO: What did the doctor say?
Merv: He said I was sick and that I should go home.
FOO: So what’s wrong with you?
Merv: I don’t know. He said it would be a breach of privacy.
FOO: But it’s you and your health.
Merv: Yes, he said I’d need birth certificates and affidavits from my parents just to prove that they were there at my birth so he could go ahead and release the information. Shit happens as they say.
FOO: I’m ringing your lawyer right now, we’ll get you out of this.
Merv: You are my lawyer.
FOO: Oh shit.
Merv wants a Robot
15 Tuesday Oct 2019
Posted in Mark
Don’t buy these robots. They forget things.
Merv and the Robot.
As usual, it’s Merv that attends to the bar jobs, oh yes, so that the pub is open for business, helps pay off his 457 visa card or something like that. Never been great with pames or naplces, don’t know why, it’s not that I’m a drongo or anything.
As bar manager, Merv needs to attend to a level of acceptable bar etiquette, like no guns, pitchforks, effigies or blow up replicas, for example, voodoo dolls, just sayin’ like.
Did you hear that…
Today however, something unusual is happening at the Pigs Arm’s, no one is calling for the government to step down and they’re all too busy drinking Trotter’s Lager to worry about it. And let’s face it, why shouldn’t they be.
Meanwhile, in the office, out the back, so no one can really tell what’s happening, Merv calls to Foodge, you know our own private dick and barrister, “Come and have a look at this Foodge, a typewriter and a television screen rigged up together. Can’t see it getting far but who nose.”
“No, you just said who nose, when you meant who knows. Are you a moron Merv, even O’Hoo nose the difference between who knows and you nose or even, fuck nose.”
Merv isn’t put off by the bar banter, he starts to stay up late at night learning how to use this typewriter and make orders for the pub and eventually he looks up a website that sells robotic barman. Can you see where this is heading, I can and I’m the author.
See Merv has only ever had one day off since the beginning of the Pigs Arms. What better than an AI(Artificial Intelligence) robot to do your job. Yes a holiday.
Yeah, just hangin’ round.Trotter’s on the house…
“Hey Merv, this robot you have ordered so you can have a holiday, can do everything better quicker faster, why do we need you when you come back” says someone. Okay, if you what to know who that someone is ask Big M, not that he said it.
Something in Merv thinks, oops. Okay let’s send it back.
Algernon wanders in , shotgun cocked, brain, well, engaged, “WTF is that whatever your name is that I’m talking to”
“It’s Merv Sir. He’s got a reply email from the Postmaster that says Do Not Reply” says the script reader.
After wanting to return the robot barman, Merv sent this email to the robot company that had told him that he couldn’t reply. Merv was fuming. Here is a redacted form of Merv’s reply, just in case there are kiddies watching,
Wot
Dear Automated Email,
Thank you for your request. I just wish to tell you how much I miss you.
Fond memories pervade over this valley of time given your lengthy absence.
Hoping the rumours about your ill health aren’t true otherwise it has been nice knowing you.
Love
Merv
************
“Merv, you can say that about whatever” says Nurse Barbara. “Maybe you want to talk to that bloke over there. He’s been asking about emails and Moooovveee which I reckon might mean Merv. And he has been talking about cans of magic elixir.” Wink, wink, oh my Gordon, how far do I have to go thinks Nurse Barbara. Jesus Fucking Christ I give up,sorry kiddies.
Just as a mosquito was about to fly by, a man entered the bar at the Pigs Arms. He ordered a beer and said “Has anyone here ever heard of a bloke called Merv?”
“Nah mate, who the eff are you?” says someone to whom I haven’t aligned this comment to.
“My name is Nap O’Leon and here is a can of my magic elixir” says the bloke that says
get some of this down ya
this. Nap O’Leon places a can on a bar. “This is French champagne” he continues “I’m from French and I’m here to investigate an email that was sent to our No Reply Email service. The depression rate in our Postmaster Offices has increased. We must stop this or else.”
“Hey fellas, how about a dip in the ocean before our next chug along?” says Sister Yvonne.
“Nah, that would put me fag out” replies Nurse Barbara.
“What about the French champagne. Hasn’t it just been proven that nothing plus nothing equals something” says Foodge, our community sitarist.
“Oh no, not this hoary old chestnut however it is ridiculously delicious just like I like my boiled eggs sunny side up.” replies Nap O’Leon.
“I’ve bet you have never been to a fuel and produce store, hmm, didn’t think so, follow me dribbler” says a really surprising retort from one of the list of characters that could possibly answer so this time I’ll go to Sister Yvonne.
“Have you any fuel or produce?” Yvonne asks the young assistant behind the counter.
“No, but I do like chicken”. Yum, yum.
Trotter’s Lager
