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Category Archives: Politics in the Pig's Arms

The Russians are Coming !

14 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 5 Comments

Fort-Denison-File-5702137

Late Barking News

Our Pig’s Arms “Over the Horizon” news scout, Manne le Trenches, reports today that in an atmosphere of rising tension with former super power and general tough bastard Russia, following the Putanians sending warships to Australia (for the kind of military exercises America likes to do around places they might want to invade any minute now), fearless Australian minnow  leader Tony “feel my pecs” Abbott has instructed the Minister for Deference to re-arm Fort Denison.

The ADF is reportedly saving up the ferry fare to ship tonnes of sticks and stones to the fort in readiness for a protracted siege.

In other developments, negotiations are reportedly underway with Great Britain to put pressure on Moscow by releasing Rolf Harris into Muscovite care – on his own cognisance.

Sources close to the Kremlin (in the actual Kremlin, truth told) said “Oh NO !  not the fucking wobble board, anything but the wobble board !”

 The UN Security Council has been called to address an urgent motion to ban wobble-boarding.  The motion was apparently called by …. Russia.  And the Secretary of the Security Council ……. Australia …. was quoted as saying “Sorry, I was on holidays and I must have missed the Email.  I’ll get onto it when I get back in the office”.

A “Bay of Pig’s Arms” capitulation is anticipated at any moment.

Bulletin – Bob Katter Makes Sense (Snowball survives in Hell)

16 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Bob Katter, Ebola, Quarantine

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 Rant by Emmjay

It’s a rare day indeed when Bob Katter doesn’t sound like a barking mad homophobe bushie, but hey, did I just spot a blue moon ?

Did you see his rant on the TV a few days ago apropos the nurse returning from West Africa in Townsville coming down with a fever and being suspected of having a dose of Ebola virus ?

A whole raft of people in white coats went into justification mode, defending our wonderful quarantine measures – and did we sense their palpable relief when the woman in question came up with a negative to the virus ?

What wasn’t so well highlighted was how the nurse voluntarily put herself into in-house quarantine and helped cover the naked arses of her employers and the quarantine specialists.

Bob, in his ten gallon hatted wisdom pointed out that this lady had landed in Perth airport and transited to Melbourne airport before she finally landed in Townsville. There you go – chances for not one, but three planeloads of fellow travellers – plus everyone else at those locations to have gone down with this deadly disease – had she been so unfortunate to have actually had Ebola.

It’s a mind-numbing catastrophe waiting to happen. Fascinating to see how the good people of Texas are responding to their actual real thing crisis.

For some reason, Bob, going off like a sack of prawns in the sun seemed to make sense in my mind (I know…. I’ll need to get this checked). He was suggesting that while Australians are heroically responding to the call to help the peoples of West Africa in ways that make a lot more sense than random bombing the poor Iraqis again, it would be prudent for the Australian immigration minister or the foreign affairs minister or the clown posing as the Australian Prime Minister to insist that non-aid people do not travel to West Africa.

And as a useful afterthought – anyone who has been there should be obliged to spend three weeks in some resort island – preferably excised from the Australian territorial waters. Say, Manus Island, Christmas Island – or somewhere that the medical care is second to none – like say, Cambodia. Just in case.

As Sam Kekovich says “You know this makes sense”.

So there we have it – in our own lifetimes – ice skating with the devil.

 

 

Bill to Ban Constipation

02 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Bill Shorten, constipation

bill1-20131205142857693703-620x349

Bill thing working on a hard one.

Emmjay puts another one in for the mob. 

In a clear display of masterful leadership, the leader of Her Majesty’s Australian Opposition, Bill something has announced the Labor Party’s answer to Tony Abbott bringing back constipation.

This was a shock move mainly because it came from Bill thing, whereas everyone in the press gallery expected Clive to be the one with constipation on his mind.

Bill whatshisname hinted at a firm position he called Labor’s Three Stools Policy. Details are scant, but it is thought that Labor stalwarts are in the process of working things out.

In late breaking wind news, Bill was heard to say “Oh, conscription ! I thought Tony said constipation”.  Albo pointed out to Bill that this was unlikely because the ever-tactful Tony had contrary form, quoting Tony as being renowned for his “Shit happens” line delivered in the face of a sad loss of life.

Sources close to Bill said he was more likely to have be engrossed with a forthcoming white paper – a long, soft white paper, kinder to arseholes than abrasive crap like Tony and that Bill was suddenly caught shorten.

Abbott to Bring Back Conscription

30 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

Abbott, Conscription, unemployed youth

conscription  Emmjay – Can’t Help Himself Again

Not content with being at the cutting edge, Pig’s Arms ranga reporter Brian O’Kerry speaks to us from over the event horizon today, beyond the Western skyline.

This is his story.

He choses to start now.

In a shocking, but entirely consistent way, the PM with the leastest, the man with no money in his budget, no heart in his budget and in fact no budget in his budget, is about to spend millions each day sending our troops into Iraq (AGAIN !).

The retired military (only place to be when a war is on…. retired) are all advising that this will be a long war. Long these days means more than a decade. So get ready for a fucked economy for ANOTHER decade at least.

But there’s a more pressing item on the neo-fascist Abbotian agenda. Youth unemployment. Hmmm. War and unemployment. Hmmm. What did we do when we had this problem in the sixties ?

I REMEMBER ! We brought in an entirely unfair ballot that forced young men (note – only young men – and young men from the working class to boot to boot camp on the way to having their lives entirely fucked up in Vietnam.

Now we all know how massively unpopular that was, but it was at a time when people gave a stuff about a fair go and stood against political evil – shoulder to shoulder. This is now. Every man and woman for themselves. Stuff you, I definitely am all right Jack.

So, it is with heavy heart that, looking over the horizon, our Pig’s Arms cub reporter reports that the Abbott Government will be bringing in conscription on the first Tuesday in January when the Reserve Bank will raise interest rates and sell bonds to fund Australia’s contribution to the newly discovered fresh war on terror (a.k.a. demonising everyone with a beard, a burqua or both. Especially both.)

In a fresh departure from his usual punitive stance, Abbott will be offering nashos a holiday at an unnamed country retreat with unlimited paintball credits and the chance to play “Fortune of War” after their usual bedtimes. And after that, if they reach level 47, they will win an all-expenses paid tour of sun and sand resorts in exotic places. Much more fulfilling than doing break and enters to fund a crack habit in some hole in the ground housing commission suburb.

Did I mention the opium ? Free opium too.

So, don’t worry Australian youth – about having an unpropitious birth date. There will be just one exemption – for the poor bastards unlucky enough to be born on a day without a “y” in it. Hah ! Just joking. Everyone will be able to go – unless they have a dad or mum in the cabinet, in which case they’ll be given a non-existent scholarship worth $60,000 to a fashion college.

So, there you have it, FOPA (Friends of Pig’s Arms). Welcome to the new Abbott bastardry – Conscription II.

Beheading the Labor Party

21 Sunday Sep 2014

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Abbott, indefinite detention without charge, police arrests, terrorism

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Rant by Emmjay

It was tense at the Pig’s Arms this week with the news that the AFP and NSW coppers had saved one or two of our random population from suffering the fate of those unfortunate and now deceased westerners in the wrong place at the wrong time – anywhere in the Middle East.

I’m referring to the news coming down on the electric television in the front bar of the pub – about the pre-dawn raid on 25 western suburbs Sydney homes – and some in Brisbane looking for weapons, explosives and computers and phones laden with incriminating evidence of terrorist malfeasance plotting.

RIGHT HERE in the backyard of the pub.

There it was in graphic detail and I might add, beautifully choreographed and shot – dudes with cheap tracky dacks and beards with their hands cable-tied behind them, sitting on the nature strip with reaaallly beefy storm-trooper cops standing over them in the pre-dawn dark. Lots of those pics. Man, how lucky are we being protected by these heroes!

Amazing how the reporters were there on the job to get the action ! Helicopters with search lights !

Fifteen people taken into custody. Three charged after two days – and the rest let free.

But we did get a glimpse of a longish object under a cloth that COULD have been a sword.

And there’s an allegation that there was a phone call from some bearded psychopath supporting the Islamic State to target arrestee #1 instructing him to behead some random bystander and drape them with the IS flag in some really public place. Somewhere.

And so the media went into hyperdrive pedalling rumours about domestic terrorism. Not much actual evidence mind you, but since our illustrious illustrated illusionist leader was busy despatching troops back to Iraq – a nation to which we just recently cut all economic aid – and since we have had to tighten our belts (pay attention poor, sick and disadvantaged people, mentally ill, victims of domestic violence, unemployed people and students) – I guess Tony had to beat up some excuse for doing what America told us to do – even if we clearly cannot afford it.

I mean – what does a squadron of fighter planes and a few thousand troops cost per day compared to keeping open a few women’s shelters and schools for troubled youth ?  Gotta be much cheaper to fund sham military actions than look after our own, doesn’t it ?

I don’t know about you, friends of the Pig’s Arms, but I have a strong feeling of being sold a pile of poo tickets by the government and the media. And I’m ashamed at how keenly our media wants to whip up racism and antipathy towards our Muslim brothers and sisters.

The fact that (on the pretext that the confiscated computers and phones have so much data that it will take time to go through it all) the Australian Government had to trot out Howard era draconian anti-terrorist laws (unlimited detention without charge) to be able to hold the alleged criminals in custody indefinitely speaks volumes.

Here, friends we see it before our own eyes – Tony Abbott’s own ‘children overboard’ moment.

This government is bad enough without creating wild and irrational fear and turning Australia into a dyed in the wool police state. Check out the pictures. They say it all.

Which is in stark contrast with the Labor party who just stand there, looking concerned in case some of the mad bullshit might be remotely true – and saying nothing.

But as far as the Labor Party is concerned, they might as well pack up their tent and abandon the next election, because when the mindless people who voted these scum in have a choice between Bill Shorten and Australia’s answer to Vlad Putin,  I’m pretty sure we can all guess who they think will best protect them.

So, show us the evidence, politicians and cops – some weapons of mass destruction or something, you lying bastards. Hurry up and manufacture some at least.

Or shut the fuck up, let the arrested people go and then you can just piss off.

Corruption ? What Corruption ?

03 Saturday May 2014

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

Barry O'Farrell, Chris Hartcher, Eddie Obeid, Ian Macdonald, Joe Tripodi, Mike Gallacher, NSW political corruption

NSW ICAC Map

 

 

We have to hand it to NSW’s Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC).  They’ve certainly got their work cut out for them.

This is a grab from an interactive map produced by the ABC – it rearranges itself when you click on anything – a person or a relationship line.  Bear with me here (colour blindness is a real bugger so forgive me if I see different colours to you – BUT – pink dots indicate a neutral relationship , a bluey green grey dot indicates a friendly relationship and the orangy dot indicates a hostile relationship. Light blue circled names have been investigated by ICAC.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/interactives/icac-relationships-graph/

As a confirmed conspiracy theorist, I love those circles like “Australian Water Holdings” (Australian Water Holdings (AWH) is an infrastructure company that consults on water services. It is currently being investigated by ICAC over attempts by its management to procure a public-private partnership with Sydney Water that would have vastly increased the company’s value, as well as the billing of inappropriate payments and expenses to Sydney Water.), “Free Enterprise Foundation” (A Liberal Party trust that ICAC alleged was used to funnel prohibited donations to the Liberal Party from developers, who are banned from making donations) and “The Terrigals” – (A sub-faction within the right wing of the New South Wales Labor Party, headed by Eddie Obeid and named after Mr Obeid’s beach house at Terrigal).

It’s important to note that not every person on this map is (or is likely to be) alleged to be corrupt.  For example, Nathan Reese when he was premier, sacked Ian MacDonald – a member of the Terrigals ICAC has found to have acted corruptly, and like Morris Iemma, Nathan Reese was dumped by the ALP when the Terrigals withdrew their support.  Kristina Keneally was given the poison chalice of the premier’s job and she torpedoed a doctored cabinet minute that would have handed a lot of cash to AWH.  And lastly, nobody has proven that Barry O’Farrell has acted corruptly – but he did have a massive memory failure about accepting an inappropriate gift (smelling quite like a setup if you ask me) and he did / does have some dubious friends – which is not of itself a crime.

This sort of relationship map is a well-used tool by police investigating organised crime and when a relationship map starts to look more complicated than a map of the greater Tokyo Urban Transit system, you can bet you are looking at one seriously networked crime empire.

Go over to the ABC site and have a good look at the interactive map and ask yourself, if you are / were a NSW voter, who the fuck would you vote for in 11 months time ?

Enjoy the information while you can.  Arthur Sinodinos was John Howard’s chief of staff and Tony Abbott regards John Howard as God – and since Tony has it in for the ABC, I’d say excellent reporting like this probably has a short shelf life – until Australia sobers up and throws out Tony and a whole lot of other counts* on both sides of politics.

* Delete the vowel of your own choosing.

 

Vale Neville Wran 1926 -2014

21 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

Neville Wran

Sky News and Fairfax reported today that Neville Wran’s family has accepted the NSW Premier’s offer of a State Funeral – date yet to be announced.

The Publican and staff of the Pig’s Arms are saddened by the Telegraph report of the passing of one of Labor’s great leaders.

Their headline read simply “Wran Dies”.

We are equally sad to report that the graceless and insensitive editorial policy of the Telegraph  – like its proprietor, is unfortunately still alive.  We can but live in hope.

 

The Bottom of the Barrel

16 Wednesday Apr 2014

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 74 Comments

Tags

Arturo Sinister Demons, Chikka Kerryovski, Colin Peters, Eddie O'Bad, Gez, granny, Greiner, H, Hung, Ivan Milhat, Manne, Merv, Obie 'One Barrel" Fatobie, Peter Snidearse, Sir Lunchalot, the Rodent, Viv, Voice

One down and one to go

One down and one to go

Story by Emmjay, Photo borrowed with undying thanks from the Canberra Times.

“But he was one of the better NSW premiers,” said Voice.

“That’s a load of cobblers” said Gez.  “His mates are up to their tits in it”.

“Not a chance of being up to my tits”, said Viv, adjusting her polo neck.

The usual suspects were having a quiet one or fifteen in the main bar of the Pig’s Arms and the ABC was re-running an interview (if you could call it that) of Robbie Robertson repeating over and over and over some horseshit about three cabinet ministers and one premier gone already and three more sitting members to face ICAC after Easter.  And “This has nothing to do with a bottle of wine.  It’s got everything to do with the untrustworthiness of the Liberal Party, blah, blah, blah. And I’m not going to draw any comparisons with anyone on this side of politics who has made a career out of corrupt behaviour and scored top billing at ICRAP”.

Arturo stirred his 1959 Grunge with a finger previously dipped in Granny’s wedges sauce – for that extra bit of piquancy.  He looked piqued, for sure. And he could have easily landed the lead role in Baz Luhr’s upcoming pulp movie ‘The Piquinese Falcon’.  Sinister, didn’t raise his eyes above the rim of the glass when Hung demanded to know where he got the Grunge.

“I don’t remember”, said Arturo.  “Wot, so the label embossed with ‘Compliments of the O’Bad Empire’ is no clue ?” inquired Hung.  Manne emerged from the cellar in the Greiner of time and added helpfully “I remember the Grunge, Mr Demons”.  That was the one that Merv had lying under his bed for a rainy day and he lost it in a poker game with Sir Lunchalot.  I dropped it off at your place on the way home, and you scribbled a note that I delivered to Mr O’Bad.  It said “Not half O’Bad, many thanks, the Rodent”.  “I thought it was very funny, Mr Demons.

“I don’t remember” said Arturo. The juke box was playing the Beatles’ “Baby said she’s drivin’ on the one after 59”.  “That reminds me”, said Manne, “Is (former) Justice Sin Minefield out of the slammer yet ?” “Nope said Gez, it’s getting pretty crowded in the P-wing library out at the Bay”. “Is it true that Ivan Milhat and Peter Snidearse asked to be moved out to avoid the corrosive influence – or more likely the smell of bent politicians ? I mean – even psychopathic killers have standards”.

“Most likely” said H (who was renowned for thinking the best of even the most obviously evil criminals).  “I’m given to believe that they adored their mothers and were kind to sparrows”, she added.

The acoustically-enhanced Pig’s Arms car park gravel gave up its customary crunchiness under the weight of a huge white NSW government Falcon piloted by Chikka Kerryovski and Colin Peters.  Obie, One Barrel Fatobie, rolled out of the back seat onto the deck trailing about a half a canteen of cutlery from the back of his commodious jacket.  The other half of the canteen was in the Kent street lunchroom – lacking almost all the knives.

The entourage entered the side door of the pub and took up the more comfortable seats in the ladies lounge.  “I had a serious memory failure” said Obie One.  “Thank Cripes for that”, said Arturo, who had been wondering whether the Cook’s River was going to give up more flotsam.  More in the shape of a Sinister Demon, he was thinking.

“GEEZUSS”, said Hung, holding a rather tired napkin over his nose.  “Someone must be cleaning out the grease trap in the Ladies Lounge”.  “There IS no grease trap in the Ladies Lounge, said Manne in his ever-helpful way”.

“For some reason I feel like a felafel” said Gez.  “You must be kibbehing me” said Hung  “I’m smelling the overwhelming stench of hypocrisy.  “How can you hommusly think of Foodge at a time like this ?”

“I feel awful”, said Voice.  “Our good ship NSW is without a rudder”.

“Perhaps” said Gez. “But there’s no shortage of ballast”.

Tabouleh continued ……

Those Fracking Bastards

18 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

blackmail, coal seam gas, CSG, fracking, natural gas

828793-coal-seam-gas-protest

Rant by Therese Trouserzoff

So we’ve heard this crap before.  Unless governments roll over and allow coal seam gas (CSG) exploration and exploitation wherever and whenever these cretins want, they will wreak havoc amongst local consumers.

The latest piece of blackmail is an application to increase the domestic price of natural gas by 20% – and the justification is that the massive new finds are ‘for the export market’ and there will be a shortage locally.

Fuck these people.  The natural resources belong to Australia, and any government that allows some piss head energy company to hold it to ransom, threatening to send local businesses to the wall in the name of export commitments, ought to be thrown down a disused well and burnt.

We have gas hot water and cooking.  Not a problem to install solar hot water and switch to electric cooking.

While I accept that in general, no business would want to sell at lower prices into a local market when there is a higher return available internationally, there is a point where national interest and preventing environmental degradation have to take precedence as the determinants of corporate and social action.

So, just as the Australian government told Coca Cola Amatil to pull its head in over their  SPC Ardmona blackmail attempt, it’s time for ALL Australian jurisdictions to insist on actual serious control over energy extraction.  Simple solution – resources tax on the energy producers and subsidies for disadvantaged Australian consumers.  Wait – didn’t a previous government talk about something like this ?  Isn’t this about looking after your own family before thinking about screwing the rest of the world ?

If there was a natural prime target to attack hateful corporate bastardry, fracking CSG companies would have to be at the top of the list.  All power to the farmers and local action groups.  Go hard against these fracking mongrel bastards.

Ruddy Moves Out

17 Sunday Nov 2013

Posted by Voice in Politics in the Pig's Arms, Voice

≈ 30 Comments

Oh, bother it all. This topic is too interesting to be relegated to  the back rooms, and no-one seems to be up to the job of writing a piece. So in the  (new and quite iffy) Pigs Arms tradition, I’m just going to copy someone else’s article and give it my own title. Here’s Annabel Crabb’s piece from the Sydney Morning Herald.

There was wonderment in Caucus when the headline finally broke
That the Nambour Kid was giving it away.
They found out only when he rose, and tremulously spoke,
Instead of in the customary way.

To such a huge Kevelopment would normally accrue
An exordium of heraldry and archers.
But not this time; no hints leaked out, no Twitpic with a clue,
Or tantalising scoop of Peter Hartcher’s.

He stood alone; no team of chums around him all a-simper
Or kids in shirts with Kevin’s name embossed
And ended – not with bangs, but with a well-constructed whimper –
The civil war that everybody lost.

His government now packed away, his Lodge keys handed back
His bureaucrats now resting or retrenched
The Nambour Kid at last gave up the dream of one more crack
At the job from which he twice was cruelly wrenched.

The ”Gotta Zips”, the trips in VIPs, the phone-calls from Barack;
Are now the privilege of his successor.
His red-haired rival’s gone now too, and never coming back.
She’s off to be a visiting professor.

No more trips to high schools, then, with selfie-centred hordes
And miniskirted schoolies shrieking ”KEVIIIINNNNNN!!!”
(So different from the Gillard visits, when – hostile and bored –
They pelted her with sandwiches and devon)

The Kid’s Brisvegas-bound, for now; he wants a quiet life.
He has his new granddaughter, and his health.
And (thanks to early prescience in Kevin’s choice of wife)
He knows the thrill of independent wealth.

This comet leaves a complex trail; some see the Triple A
And recall the ”Sorry” speech that healed a nation.
But others look aloft and see things quite a different way;
All leaky boats, and dodgy insulation.

Historians will one day have a cooler, distant view
Of Kevinism’s arc to death from birth
The rest of us will never quite forget the year or two
When Kevin really was a place on Earth.

 

 

 

 

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