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Tag Archives: Australia

My first Christmas at Revesby

24 Saturday Dec 2011

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman

≈ 59 Comments

Tags

Australia, Bogong moth, Christmas, Cicada, Revesby

Christmas in cold climates involves snow that covers rooftops and streets. It deadens noise and yet has a sound that defies reasonable description. Perhaps the closest is when in olden times and at funerals of kings or queens, the drums and sticks would be cloth covered and the rolls became muffled. This gave somberness to the occasion fitting the importance of the procession of the uncontrollable grief sobbing of thousands following the coffin. Not that I can actually remember ever having followed a queen or king to a grave, nor having witnessed grief sobbing of thousands, but it reads rather nicely, don’t you think?

For me the Christmas was the time for our dad installing a real Christmas tree which was always a prickly spruce bought a few days before. The tree would be decorated with candle holders that had to remain reasonable upright having to carry the weight of the candle. This was always tricky, especially when the tree aged and dried out and branches started to hang.  The tree was supposed to last till the three kings met the fallen star. Now, my religious memory might be a little hazy or unsteady, but was this a period of 30 days? Anyway, in our family the tree would be exploited till the very end of festivities. This was usually when snow had melted, the toys either lost, eaten or broken, and we had to go back to school.

Going back to the candle holders and hanging branches. It was inevitable that we would experience a dying dead and tinder dry spruce on fire. My dad in his pyjama and early in the morning got up out of bed and without a word, grabbed the burning tree, opened the window and hurled it outside from three stories high. The burning tree ended up in the chicken coop belonging to the tailor living at the bottom floor, much to the consternation of the chickens. Those living at the bottom floors were always the envy of the neighborhood because they had a garden and could keep chickens. We had been playing with matches and had lit the candles, one of which had sagged and started licking the dry branch and needles near it. I think that the burning Christmas tree might well have been the catalyst for my parents’ idea of migrating elsewhere.

After the ensuing migration and settling in Australia’s Revesby our first Christmas was different. The spruce morphed into a pine with long needles and for us less gracious looking. My dad went about decorating the tree, but now very wisely, changed to electric lights. Instead of snow (and muffled drums) there was heat and flies. The congregation in the church smelled of beer and there were huge moths flying about the size of small birds. There was a hellish noise coming from the bark of some giant gum trees in the next garden which, at that time still had an old farm house on it. At night we were bitten by mosquitoes. We missed the snow!

 Later on, and after some years, we learned to associate the noise of cicadas, the giant bogong moths and the smell and cheer of beer and prawns, the glass of a chilled Barossa Pearl with mum and dad, the friendly neighbors with the pouring of foaming beers from brown longnecks and the sticking of Christmas cards through venetians to be part of a Christmas just as joyous as the ones left behind. As kids we soon got tents and started to discover beaches and Blue Mountains, 22 rifles and rabbits and some years later, motor bikes and sheilas with concrete ‘lovable’ bras. Dancing lessons from Phyllis Bates and The Trocadero in George Street. My first ‘dipping of the wick’. The Christmases’ became associated with all that and more.

 It is just different, that’s all.

Father O’Way in Sri Lanka

08 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by Mark in Mark

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

Australia, cricket, Father O'Way, fiction, humor, humour, Pigs Arms

Licky licky goo goo

 

Hi, look Father O’Way here. I’m really miffed. The Bish, you know Bishop Bishop of the St Generic Brand Church of Inner Western Cyberia has got the audacity to ring me in the Caribbean on my holidays with the beautiful Belinda to do a job.

 Anyhoo, enough whingeing. I have to go and find out what is going on behind the scenes in the Australian cricket team. Apparently the selectors have been dumped and everyone hates Greg Crapell, I mean, is this the bleeding obvious or what.

So I fly to Sri Lanka, you know the home of the paradise island, tea, coconuts and rocket launchers. Geez, thanks Bish.

Using some suspicious white powder, some green looking dried vegetable and gold bars I work my way into the inner sanctum of Australian cricket, the bar.

As usual all of the players have finished their lines, cocaine usually and are chatting around the bar.

“Did you all hear old chaps that Greg Crapell will be staying on for the tour?” I asked the group of players.

Ah f#@k, s@#t, p@#s, Geez a@#s were some of the more notable replies.

“What do think Greg can add to the team?” Geeps, who are my script writers, I’ll get killed for this.

F@#k all, he’s absolutely s#@t from a alpaca, for f@#k sake burn him at the stake and he doesn’t even eat meat, eeeewwww, were some of the more common answers.

“You have won the first test and would be confident going into the next match. I see that a former groundsman has been capped and did well, what are your thoughts on this?” Man, I’m shitting my self asking this one, I mean these guys are on coke, pissed, rich, ego centric, fit, aggressive, nasty, win at all costs sort of dudes.

F@#king good on ‘im mate, geez them wops are p@#s weak, can’t beat a f@#king groundsman, a@#s lickers mate, again were some of the more notable comments.

“Do you think Greg  Crapell is the sort of guy that attracts lots of # symbols and @ symbols?” I venture rather nervously. This crowd is getting ugly.

F@#king oath, you bet you a@#e and F@#k you uncle, again were more of the notable replies.

Father O’Way here. Signing out, in his lounge room, Nowhere, I hope….

The Cost of Obstinacy

21 Sunday Aug 2011

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman

≈ 54 Comments

Tags

Australia, boatpeople, Refugees, Treasury

The treasury informs us that 2.4 billion has been spent on detaining boat people since 2000. This has worked out at $100.000, — per boat people. I wonder how long this stupid waste of money will be allowed to continue. The tide in favour of off shore detention has now been shrinking, and ever so slowly there now appears the realisation, that, if not from an humanitarian point, but from a financial point of view, we might be better off to swallow our pride or blind obstinacy and simply do what the rest of the world has been doing for many years, dealing with a difficult problem that presents itself directly on most of their doorsteps on a never ending and daily basis.

After all, not many countries have the luxury of spare and submissive countries or excised islands close by where refugees can be send to and let to slowly languish into a trickle while getting their status processed.  In the meantime, as we get pointed out daily, concerns about their treatment, resulting in hundreds of cases of self harm and mental break-downs, riots and AFP involvements is ringing alarm bells worldwide especially amongst the UNHCR. No matter what we do to try and repel the boat people, they will undertake those dangerous voyages, no matter what we try to discourage them or brutalize them. They have nothing to lose.

So what is that fear that Australia has about dealing with boatpeople that, no matter what, will continue to arrive at our doorstep? Are they armed or pose threats? Do they come with murderous intent, rape and pillage? The most and not unreasonable assumption is, that many more will arrive, if we let our guard down. That might well be true. So what?  Australia happily takes in more than a hundred thousand migrants in a year. Suppose, if a thousand boatpeople a week arrive on our shores a week. What is the problem with that?

Surely, by reducing our normal intake of migrants by fifty thousand would still not increase the overall number. Consider that the reduction of fifty thousand migrants from ‘normal’ channels are those that are probably with much less urgent needs to come here, then why not kill 2 birds with one stone. Consider how our image would change overnight?

 Instead of being looked upon by many with the horrors piped out on TV’s world- wide, first with The Tampa and then the terrible sights of roof-top refugees, burning and self harming, those terrible drowning at Christmas Island. Sometimes, the footage resembles something close to the torture on Guantanamo Bay where hundreds are also still languishing after many years.

The advantage of age is the luxury of hindsight. I remember still a similar fear of refugees and new-comers in the late fifties and sixties. The ‘reffos’ and Italians and Greeks were knife pullers and worse, garlic eaters. They would catch trains or buses while speaking strange languages. That fear for Southern Europeans later changed into a fear for the boat-people from Vietnam. They would bring exotic diseases and wore funny hats.

All of those fears were unfounded. Can you imagine Australia without the huge benefits from all those brave enough to have had the guts to come here? We would all still be slurping milk-shakes, eating meat pies with lamingtons in hand, and thronging around the 6’o’clock ‘time-out gentlemen’ pubs. The Sundays, they were deadly quiet with just the stray dogs about, scratching their fleas at deserted suburban rail-stations.

We now again still seem to harbour those fears for the Afghans, Burmese or Iraqis, again based on fried air, nothing much more.

What is that fear and why do we allow fear to compete so sadly with compassion?

Come on Aussies. Open your hearts. Take the risk and deal with those unfortunate boat-people arrivals as best as we can. Deal with the problem with honesty and do it in the country where they wanted to come to, Australia. Show the world we care and have compassion. We are the largest and least densely population country in the world. Not just a country but a complete continent.  Let’s also have the largest hearts.

12.3 The Birthday Final

06 Friday May 2011

Posted by Mark in Mark

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

Australia, cricket, Father O'Way, humor, humour, science fiction

Pic by Warrigal

The story so far, Sandy, that’s me, I have to reset the expiry date on Gordon’s One Card. The only place I can do that is at the bottom of a mountain guarded by a blood thirsty war tribe on a distant planet. Sounds fun, not.

The girls are out fighting the Stumponian Battle Fleet while I look for every hiding place I can find. Not into this fighting thing. Alas the S.S. Julian II has been able to beam me down into the room at the bottom of Mount TheKerb that houses the ATM. The bad part is only I could get through and I’ve come face to face with the evil Lord Axelrod the Marauder, who also turns out to have been my brother David in a previous life, being mine. One scary dude let me tell you.

“So Sandy we finally meet” grins Axelrod. Yeah, great. Just what I needed.

“Ur, um, yeah, like, you know, like I have to reset the card er, um, like, you know what I mean Alexrod” I stammer.

“We fight to the death with swords” he reply’s thrusting  the weapon in my direction.

“Hey look, I did that trip with Dad and he didn’t come off to good” I relate, thinking about Lord Deaf Visions untimely death. “Look how about hand paper scissors or draughts, occupational health and safety and all that” I plead.

“You have been sent for the bail as well Sandy” says Alexrod “so we fight to the death”

Zark. Why does everything in space involve a fight. I mean just can’t we all love one another plus I’m a coward and just want to get the zark out of here.

I didn’t last long in the sword fight and in less than a few minutes Alexrod has me pinned in the corner and is about to kill me when the Helvi-bot arrives and kicks Alexrods sword away while simultaneously shooting him in the arm. Who says women can’t multi-task.

I reset the expiry date and pick up the bail while Helvi holds a gun on Alexrod. Wow, you wait till I tell my work buddies. “Waddya do in the holidays Sandy?” they will ask to which I might just say “Oh, held a murderous tribal leader with a gun or two in an intergalactic war where cricket rules”. To which they reply “That Sandy is one crazy dude”.

I examine Alexrods wounds and say “Not to bad, you’ll live”

“Don’t worry Sandy, I’ll be Bach” replies Alexrod.

“No, I think you mean back don’t you?”

Australia moving forward (kicking and screaming)

04 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman

≈ 81 Comments

Tags

Australia, CO2, Fed3eration, handpiece, maritime, Queensland, shearing, sheep

Having experienced the last few decades living in Australia and overseas one can form an opinion of what some of the differences were.. One difference that sticks out is our love of staying put, resist change. Australia is many things but it will never get accused of being at forefront of progress, rearing to try out new things, seek change, make things work better. It is true that we do advance in certain areas but often behind many others having done and proven it first. We are somewhat scared of testing the water.

It doesn’t matter what is proposed, our immediate reaction are howls of protests and rejection no matter what the merit, no matter what the proposal. It is part of who we are; fear of change is deeply embedded in our national psyche, none more so than with the latest outcry and the political tsunamis over the proposal to charge for CO2 emissions. 

It started with Federation, a bit before my time, when Australia would only consider a form of unity away from Britain, if independence was promised to each state. Australia today is a federation of States whereby each state still has many of its own laws and regulation differentiating from each other. Commit a crime and you still have to be extradited from the state where one has escaped to. As is still the norm today, Queensland then did not want to change too rapidly and become part of Federation, preferred to remain a British colony for a while longer. The struggle for Federation went on for a number of years. Even though Australia finally became ‘Australia’, it still took another 26 years for the Australian parliament to meet and hold its first sitting in its own Parliament building in Canberra 1927.

http://www.kidcyber.com.au/topics/federation.htm

We now jump over the next sixty years or so to the next hurdle, the acceptance of a decimal system. My god, this was heresy. What? Change from our beloved Pound of Twenty shillings and one shilling containing 12 pennies to a foreign currency? The sixpence, the Zac and Bob, the quid, the guinea, give all that up?  Even then, we could not bring ourselves to giving this new decimal currency an Australian name; (austral, merino and royal.) preferred instead the Yankee Doodle name of “Dollar.”  It felt safer and the US was our protector.

Then, in the 1980’s Australia was struck down by the wider-comb sheep shearing equipment dispute. It occupied the Arbitration Commission for over four years. It was a fight to the death between the National Farmers Federation with new ideas of how Australian society should be organized and The Australian Workers Union… Shearing sheds were subject to arson, burnt to the ground amongst shouts of ‘scabs and mongrels’. Even worse was that the wider combs had been introduced by New Zealand. The indignity of it all was all too much. It was however a huge shift into modernity in its final acceptance of the wider and more economical shearing hand-piece from a traditional staid rural society. The sheep kept their calm through-out.

http://www.shearingworld.com/Information/widecombs2.htm

The next bit of progress to oppose was the containerization of our wharves. Boy oh boy, I remember it well. This was going to be the death knell of all employment on the wharves. The picket lines were stretched between Darling Harbour and Botany Bay. Stevedoring was finished, doom and gloom would spread and we would all end up queuing at soup kitchens. It didn’t matter that containerization had been effectively introduced in many countries. It did not matter what took a month to turn around in Darling Harbour took a day around the wharves in Rotterdam. By hook and by crook, this progress had to be stopped in the bud. It took many legal battles and endless compensations to the workers and their unions to finally get it accepted. Harold Holt called the whole lot ‘red commies’.

The latest revolution to jar our conscience to an extreme edginess is the proposal to introduce carbon trading or taxing. It’s on par with having similar percentages of pro and against as that old smelly herring of becoming a ‘republic’. Having our own head of state just doesn’t seem to cut it here.

The primitive fear of change is well known by savvy politicians and exploited to the maximum by all parties. The ‘children overboard’ resplendent with ’armadas and hordes’ of boat people would invade our shores, corrupt Australia with foreign gangs raping our mothers and daughters and ripping off our generous welfare to boot. It is almost daily fare in our media.

With taxing carbon polluters, fear against change is again being exploited. “We all have to pay and become poorer”. “We are being led by lying Prime ministers”. “It will cause massive unemployment”. “The climate is not changing”. “The big miners will take our resources and go overseas”.”Industry will go overseas”. Our harvests will fail. Kids will run amok.

Nothing is surer that we will finally end up with some kind of carbon trading or carbon taxing but not before we have steadfastly refusedto accept it as much and as long as possible. We’ll object, protest, linger and point finger. Our beloved motto, ‘don’t fix if it isn’t broke’ will raise its ugly head again and again.  “It’s all the fault of leftist latte sippers”. Kicking and screaming we will finally get it. In the meantime the world has moved forward again. Again we will waste years, battle on and play catch-up.

This is Australia.

Swingin’Like Tiger Woods

08 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Mark in Bands at the Pig's Arms, Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

Australia, Barry White, Benny Goodman, Big Bad Voodoo, Billy Field, Brian Setzer Orchestra, Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Chuck “Wagon” Maultsby and The Wheels, George Melly, humour, Joe Jackson, music, Non Stop Dancers, The Porkers, The Specials, Warrigal

Jumpin’, Jivin’ an’ Swingin’ Like Tiger Woods

By Warrigal Mirriyuula

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDQpZT3GhDg&feature=related

Duke Ellington It Don’t Mean A Thing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iP6IUqrFHjw&feature=related

The Ink Spots Java Jive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0ffdwBUL78

Mary Ford & Les Paul How High The Moon (“Does that mean 24 tracks?” the host asks innocently. Yes! It Does! This was the first time this was done and it represents a huge leap forward for multi-track recording. The sort of thing you can buy 64 digital tracks of for under two hundred bucks and stick it on your computer these days.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=027HcOsmsic

Gino Vanelli Jack Miraculous

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uk6fcGL1DI0&feature=fvsr

The Mavericks Tonight The Boogie Let Me Down (Go hard you good thing! Watch the guitarist, and the drummer, oh look, just watch them all! What a band!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MfDmu5WB_0&feature=related

Raul Malo A Fool Such As I (Because you simply can’t have too much of a good thing!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhJLqeAUcA0&feature=related

Chuck “Wagon” Maultsby and The Wheels My Girlfriend Passed Out In Her Food

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IqH3uliwJY&playnext=1&list=PL6B48D9D21F287BCA

Cherry Poppin’ Daddies Zoot Suit Riot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tYFC4aWyo8

Joe Jackson Jumpin’ Jive (You can hear why FOH guys call the Entertainment Centre the “empty container centre”.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHWcN5YxuYc

Brian Setzer Orchestra Jump Jive an’ Wail (This Stray Cat isn’t aging well.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62ZSQUyU00s

Benny Goodman Sing Sing Sing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7KLA52Xy2g&feature=related

Non Stop Dancers Shake This city (Trivia: Larry Van Kriedt, the tall angular sax player, is the son of Dave Brubeck Quartet saxophonist Dave Van Kriedt.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WhhSBgd3KI

The Specials Ghost Town (The Specials go cruising for Caspar in MJ’s Zephyr)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyCjExc72Xw

Joe Jackson Beat Crazy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO-UdXViyo0

Barry White The Time Is Right

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBBJZDCk6tY

George Melly My Canary’s Got Circles Under His Eyes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xphZkAiJve0

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy King of Swing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eETES1xP-IM

Billy Field Bad Habits

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhtGUt703oA

The Porkers Swingin’ Like Tiger Woods (This Newcastle band should be our house band. Whaddayarekkon?)

Keywords: Chuck “Wagon” Maultsby and The Wheels, Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Joe Jackson, Brian Setzer Orchestra, Benny Goodman, Non Stop Dancers, The Specials, Barry White, George Melly, Big Bad Voodoo, Billy Field,The Porkers

Tonight The Boogie Let Me Down (Go hard you good thing! Watch the guitarist, and the drummer, oh look, just watch them all! What a band!)

12.2 The Pigs Arms World Cup Team

14 Monday Mar 2011

Posted by Mark in Mark

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

Ashes, Australia, cricket, Father O'Way, fiction, humor, humour

The Pigs Arms First XI by Warrigal Mirriyuula

Here’s the list of the World Cup Pigs Arms Eleven or so……by Hung One On

At the  rear: Hung One On with unravelling brain, Lehan Winifred Ramsay listening for clues, Atomou gaze firmly fixed to the job at hand, Hadron keeping an eye on each way.

Middle row: Merv, Commander Al Foyle in full uniform, Astyages caped and ready for the next journey, Vectis Lad the old fox, Lord Algernon the ICCB representative, Sandshoe as the capped bear, Bishop Bishop wearing his favourite number 3 T-shirt instead of his lucky Pigs Arms T-shirt [hint hint], Helvi with gun in hand.

Front row: GO the artist droid(just), Warrigal the chief sensor who unfortunately couldn’t bring his head as in was in for maintenance, Michael Jones the publican of the Bats Droppings with a spare skull, Big M with battle axe at hand, Throwdough Haggins , Vivienne with Catherine the central controlling computer in her lap, Voice and Neville the navcom illustrating a star, just in case you didn’t know.

Little did they realise but they had to play a game of cricket against the droids at the local village green.

The Pigs Arms won the toss and batted. Here is the scorecard 50 overs per side.

The Pigs Arms XI

Atomou,  bowled Cassandra for 69

GO the artist droid,  Caught Van Gough bowled Lawrence Hargraves for 78

Hung On One retired hurt for 0

Michael Jones,  Caught Sleeping bowled Over for 10

Vivienne, not out 110 and still raging

Helvi, bowled By  Boredom 1

Neville, caught by Bourbon bowled With Coke 30

Big M, not out 55 however several members of the opposing team are nursing wounds

Lehan caught Holding On Bowled by Tsunamis for 50

Astyages bowled by Harpagus for 15

Vectis Lad, run out by a short half nose photo finish for 25

443 off 50 overs. Droid team declared 0/0 as the bar was opened conveniently by Michael Jones.

Headin South

03 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by Mark in Bands at the Pig's Arms, Warrigal Mirriyuula

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Australia, music, Warrigal

By Warrigal Mirryuula

Headin’ South of The Mason Dixon Line It’s different down there.

By Warrigal Mirriyuula

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vppbdf-qtGU

ZZ Top La Grange

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ithYo2pCCyc&feature=related

Lynard Skynard Sweet Home Alabama

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGBPJQYOFDQ

The Atlanta Rhythm Section Jukin’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gDhR1R3S0s

The Allman Brothers Band Stormy Monday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UYJeibgbVs

The Amazing Rhythm Aces Third Rate Romance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiYfQSD4Xao

Jimmy Buffett Come Monday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4NTn3Pn05A

The Dixie Chicks Long Time Gone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ct_lSAgJDXs

The Cate Bros. In One Eye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XluWvWa8pIc&feature=related

The Charlie Daniels Band A Few More Rednecks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6efQ_GyQW3o

Ry Cooder How Can A Poor Man Stand Such Times And Live

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lhn2ITL8uOY&feature=relmfu

Allan Jackson Small Town Southern Man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ticcOE_0sLw&playnext=1&list=PL8ED95C1FD1B13EB9

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers Southern Accent

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkxGdTeeIJ8&feature=related

The Neville Brothers & Friends Tell It Like It Is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUYGyIk37bc

Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine Anything For You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7q5hD9cRQ9k&feature=fvst

Ray Charles Georgia On My Mind

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gQEDwjhaDE

Robert Cray Smokin’ Gun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIdIqbv7SPo&feature=related

Bill Withers Ain’t No Sunshine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMFMf9cN64U

The Georgia Satellites Keep Your Hands To Yourself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAPo0EMfdLw&feature=related

Stevie Ray Vaughn Cold Shot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPWo38JHuQ4

Jim Stafford Swamp Witch Hatty

12.1 We Drop in to the Mire

01 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by Mark in Mark

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

Australia, cricket, Father O'Way, fiction, humor, humour, Sandy O'Way, science fiction

Pictures by Warrigal

We drop in to the Mire, that’s the planet the Haggins’ live on, on the way to meet Alexrod, convenient hey. Mire revolves around a star called god knows what. God Knows What is around about the size of the sun. Don’t just some things run in your favour when you are out in space, fantastic.

Throwdough Haggins

So Gordon has told me that the Habits, that’s the Haggins tribal name, believe in magic, you know, goblins and sorcerers and all that airy fairy nonsense that we all know ain’t true however some folk, some planets do.  The Habits live in Inhobitable. They are always having parties, loud music and of course plenty of ale. Sound like my kinda guys however Habits are smaller then us so things are a bit cramped for us apes on Mire. Gordon suggested I try a 3 wishes deal with the Habits to test the water. You know,  one the two then the punch line. So okay lets try.

“So Throwdough, you like the party time hey, must go through a lotta beer?” I ask with great interest, well sort of.

“Lots of beer Sandy” he replies.

See the beer on Mire is called Oink Lager and the name says it all. Tastes like bats piss but hang on what does bats piss actually taste like? Yuck! And what sort of person would drink bats piss? I think I might change the subject, I’m feeling ill and I’m the one writing this.

Sandy O’Paramatta

“Look, on my planet we have this great technology. You just chuck this in here, fill with water and it makes beer, 25c per 375 ml bottle, waddya say?” I pitch like a car salesman on Parramatta Road.

“Just this stuff and water, Sandy is that right?” replies Throwdough.  “Well, hmm, well, no, hmm, hmm no, no oh no, hmm, oh no,  I’ll have two more of them.”

So with that Throwdough and Dildough handed over their cards. We left minus six home brew kits, oh and enough supplies to last them a century. I’m sure though the Habits will do as much as they can with addictive substances.

Viv having a break, literally

Back onboard the Julian we now start to head for Automaticus Tellericus, reset the password on the One Card and grab the bail. Easy for sure, well not really.  Meeting my brother is going to be very interesting.

“I’ve ordered the Vivienne 59 for tea Sandy” chirps Belinda who walks in with Helvi.

“Hi Helvi, kill anyone today?” I quip hoping it’s taken in jest.

“No but if you want me to” grins Helvi.

“Anyhoo, what’s a Vivienne 59?” I request

“Some blokes name Ross Jogan, you know, curry it’s your favourite” says Belinda.

“Ready to fight Sandy or still shaking at the knees?” declares  Helvi

Daves jigger

Dave the Guitar Droid goes “Hey, It’s. Shakin All Over”

“When you move in a-right up close to me
That’s when I get the shakes all over me
Quivers down my back bone
I got the shakes in my thigh bone
I got the Quivers in my knee bone
Shakin’ a-all over
”

“Well perhaps not Dave” I say rather limply “ but a good rendo.”

“Girls, battle plans okay, lets go.” I float and with that the battle council gathered. They are well armed and well trained. Us’, well, we are just a pack of losers. However we have the Julian, the best spaceship in the galaxy but not necessary in the universe. Lets try and overlook that.  This is complex fiction and I don’t want to lose you.

Helvi and Al Foyle with Catherine and Neville take charge. Ships are launched and deflector shields are activated. We are on silent mode. The ship runs on minimum power. Warrigal, the chief sensor,  is flashing his torch at his tranny trying to get some sort of

Silence is Deadly

positive response, under the quilt, late at night, yeah. Noise of any kind a this time is not welcome. I can’t help myself and I take my part in all this very seriously, as you all know, none more dedicated than me, oh yes. So I says, you know, I says, you know,  to the command group “Hey listen, I need to fart, but, look, you know silent is deadly” I announce to the delight of the crowd.

The Command group is thrown in to Chaos, “Oh, no, Sandy wants to ffffaaarrrtttttt’……”

Central Computer calling…..

Warning!

Warning  again!!

Look I’ve told you, there is a warning of some description. !!!

Look, don’t keep pressing the escape key, it won’t help. !!!!

I’ve issued a bloody warning what else do you want?

I think I’ll shut down.

My Fishing Life

18 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by Mark in Mark

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

Australia, Fishing, humor, humour

 

My Fishing Life

Recently the owner of the  Pigs Arms asked for some fishing stories so here’s mine. Fishing, I hate fishing. If there is something more boring then cricket it has to be fishing. Bait up, throw your line in and wait, boring. Having said all of that there have been times when I have gone fishing. Usually just to keep the other person company. A good friend of mine is an excellent fisherman and will always barbeque some Tommy Ruffs when Tutu and I go to his place for a meal. Tommy Ruffs you ask? They are like a herring or sardine and having there own oil, lightly crumbed and sautéed on a BBQ plate with a nice white wine or beer they are beautiful.

Now I like eating fish but only when someone else has caught it and did all the cleaning etc., so I can then whip up a nice meal of flathead or Atlantic Salmon. I suppose that crustaceans and mollusc’s don’t count in fishing stories but give me a feed of prawns, crab, lobster, oysters and mussels any day.

Probably my main reason for disliking fishing is a general lack of success. I remember one occasion when my boys where very little I went fishing with my brother in law and his father both of whom where very good fishermen. We hopped in a boat and fished off Crescent Head on the north coast of NSW. Flathead and Squire galore, this was heaven even though I met Errol down the back of the boat. Errol? He’s the bloke you meet when you suffer a wave imbalance of the middle ear that forces you to release the contents of your stomach overboard, you know Eeerrrrroooolll!

Where’s Hung?

The only other success I’ve had is when I was down on my luck and was unable to work due to the Black Dog, that plagues me still to this day, a mate of mine and I would fish in the Port River off Torrens Island and I caught the largest Bream ever seen. Truly a local hero and admired for my feat by the gathering crowd to witness this event. When I put the poor creature back in the water well lets say the throng was in quite some disbelief however I couldn’t do the killing and cleaning bit so back it went.

So that’s my fishing life except for this one tale that I must tell. Tutu told me one day that on all of her fishing adventures she had never actually caught a fish. Others in the group had but never her. Tutu went on the say that it was one of her unfilled ambitions in life to catch a fish so we loaded up the car with the lads, Seek and Destroy, and went to Tooperang. Tooperang you say? Yes Tooperang and the Tooperang Trout Farm.

Tooperang is about 1.5 hrs drive from the Adelaide CBD travelling past the McLaren Vale wine region and the lovely town of Mt Compass turning left up the hill to the farm. Now while there are several different fishing methods the only one we wanted was a go in the “Sure Thing” pond. I know there are lots of analogies at this point of the story however lets not go there.

The Sure Thing pond meant literally that. So you pay to get in and you are issued with some bait, a hand reel and a club. “What’s the club for?”  I asked stupidly. “It will all become evident” I was told. Anyway Tutu and the boys were already on their way, they knew. So you bait up and cast in and yes, you catch a fish. No one fails and yes you club the trout to death once you land it. Lots of people were catching trout and then barbequing them in park and rest area at the farm. All very tranquil and peaceful except for the farm dog, a collie, that had great pleasure trying to stalk ducks. Now the catch is, pardon the pun, that you have to buy the fish by weight. It cost me $27 for four rainbow trout when I had $30 left in the bank from my enormous earnings that was to last for the rest of the week. Looks like trout sandwiches!

When we got home I did the cleaning thing and cooked up the trout. Well they were bloody awful, muddy and not much texture. I probably didn’t cook it right as I had had no experience in cooking this type of fish. Even our cat wouldn’t eat it. I went and got a pizza on credit for tea and threw the lot out. However Tutu had got her wish and had caught a fish all by herself. We still laugh about that day and we drove past the farm recently on our way to the Murray mouth. It brought back all of those rich memories of family life, raising children and paying mortgages, all the good and the bad and how I would have it all back again tomorrow, if only I could.

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