Category Archives: Emmjay

Gough Whitlam – the Greatest Australian Prime Minister

21 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by in Emmjay

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

vincent-lingiari-and-gough-whitlam-data

Vincent Lingiari and Gough Whitlam

Story by Emmjay

Words fail me in expressing my deep sadness at the passing of Gough Whitlam.

He was literally a giant among men and he created a vision for the greatness that Australia can be.

Some of Gough’s legacy:

  • Ended Australia’s participation in the Vietnam War
  • Ended Conscription
  • Created Medicare – the best universal health care system in the western world.
  • Recognised China – first western diplomacy initiative – copied by the remainder of the west including the USA.
  • Created the Family Court and ended the lawyers picnic with no-fault divorce
  • Provided income support for single mothers and homeless people
  • Championed land rights for indigenous Australians
  • Made University Education free
  • Abolished the death penalty
  • Created the Australia Council and the Australian Film Commission.
  • Strongly supported the Arts

In short his reforms marked the beginning of Australia’s emergence on the world stage and the beginning of a modern, vibrant, cultured, fairer nation.

When Gough came on the TV, my Dad, a staunch Metal Trades Union man, used to stand up.  Our working class family loved Gough.  Making university free was, for me and for so many of my generation the way out of genteel working class poverty.

Gough, we will NEVER forget you and your magnificent work.

—ooo—

 

Bulletin – Bob Katter Makes Sense (Snowball survives in Hell)

16 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

, ,

yorghp0ccl53qmhq3tqh

 Rant by Emmjay

It’s a rare day indeed when Bob Katter doesn’t sound like a barking mad homophobe bushie, but hey, did I just spot a blue moon ?

Did you see his rant on the TV a few days ago apropos the nurse returning from West Africa in Townsville coming down with a fever and being suspected of having a dose of Ebola virus ?

A whole raft of people in white coats went into justification mode, defending our wonderful quarantine measures – and did we sense their palpable relief when the woman in question came up with a negative to the virus ?

What wasn’t so well highlighted was how the nurse voluntarily put herself into in-house quarantine and helped cover the naked arses of her employers and the quarantine specialists.

Bob, in his ten gallon hatted wisdom pointed out that this lady had landed in Perth airport and transited to Melbourne airport before she finally landed in Townsville. There you go – chances for not one, but three planeloads of fellow travellers – plus everyone else at those locations to have gone down with this deadly disease – had she been so unfortunate to have actually had Ebola.

It’s a mind-numbing catastrophe waiting to happen. Fascinating to see how the good people of Texas are responding to their actual real thing crisis.

For some reason, Bob, going off like a sack of prawns in the sun seemed to make sense in my mind (I know…. I’ll need to get this checked). He was suggesting that while Australians are heroically responding to the call to help the peoples of West Africa in ways that make a lot more sense than random bombing the poor Iraqis again, it would be prudent for the Australian immigration minister or the foreign affairs minister or the clown posing as the Australian Prime Minister to insist that non-aid people do not travel to West Africa.

And as a useful afterthought – anyone who has been there should be obliged to spend three weeks in some resort island – preferably excised from the Australian territorial waters. Say, Manus Island, Christmas Island – or somewhere that the medical care is second to none – like say, Cambodia. Just in case.

As Sam Kekovich says “You know this makes sense”.

So there we have it – in our own lifetimes – ice skating with the devil.

 

 

Bit of Sexism on Our Plates

12 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by in Emmjay, Pig-Tel Products

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Man Smell 1Car Plates 2

Let’s hear it for the NSW Roads and Maritime Services marketing team for hanging on to the dark ages with such iron-fisted bone-headedness.

Now lest you think that this is another Pig-Tel marketing joke, I can faithfully report that this is real – another example of the NSW Government forging onwards into the 1950s.

Can we imagine the outcry if anyone tried to market car number plates designed to annoy women ?  Something elegant like “Tired of that Woman Smell in your car ?”  Ooops, I think that’s already somewhere in the pipeline with DIY jobs like :

Rude Plates

Not so much sexist, I guess.  More like tasteless.

Bill to Ban Constipation

02 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

,

bill1-20131205142857693703-620x349

Bill thing working on a hard one.

Emmjay puts another one in for the mob. 

In a clear display of masterful leadership, the leader of Her Majesty’s Australian Opposition, Bill something has announced the Labor Party’s answer to Tony Abbott bringing back constipation.

This was a shock move mainly because it came from Bill thing, whereas everyone in the press gallery expected Clive to be the one with constipation on his mind.

Bill whatshisname hinted at a firm position he called Labor’s Three Stools Policy. Details are scant, but it is thought that Labor stalwarts are in the process of working things out.

In late breaking wind news, Bill was heard to say “Oh, conscription ! I thought Tony said constipation”.  Albo pointed out to Bill that this was unlikely because the ever-tactful Tony had contrary form, quoting Tony as being renowned for his “Shit happens” line delivered in the face of a sad loss of life.

Sources close to Bill said he was more likely to have be engrossed with a forthcoming white paper – a long, soft white paper, kinder to arseholes than abrasive crap like Tony and that Bill was suddenly caught shorten.

Abbott to Bring Back Conscription

30 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

, ,

conscription  Emmjay – Can’t Help Himself Again

Not content with being at the cutting edge, Pig’s Arms ranga reporter Brian O’Kerry speaks to us from over the event horizon today, beyond the Western skyline.

This is his story.

He choses to start now.

In a shocking, but entirely consistent way, the PM with the leastest, the man with no money in his budget, no heart in his budget and in fact no budget in his budget, is about to spend millions each day sending our troops into Iraq (AGAIN !).

The retired military (only place to be when a war is on…. retired) are all advising that this will be a long war. Long these days means more than a decade. So get ready for a fucked economy for ANOTHER decade at least.

But there’s a more pressing item on the neo-fascist Abbotian agenda. Youth unemployment. Hmmm. War and unemployment. Hmmm. What did we do when we had this problem in the sixties ?

I REMEMBER ! We brought in an entirely unfair ballot that forced young men (note – only young men – and young men from the working class to boot to boot camp on the way to having their lives entirely fucked up in Vietnam.

Now we all know how massively unpopular that was, but it was at a time when people gave a stuff about a fair go and stood against political evil – shoulder to shoulder. This is now. Every man and woman for themselves. Stuff you, I definitely am all right Jack.

So, it is with heavy heart that, looking over the horizon, our Pig’s Arms cub reporter reports that the Abbott Government will be bringing in conscription on the first Tuesday in January when the Reserve Bank will raise interest rates and sell bonds to fund Australia’s contribution to the newly discovered fresh war on terror (a.k.a. demonising everyone with a beard, a burqua or both. Especially both.)

In a fresh departure from his usual punitive stance, Abbott will be offering nashos a holiday at an unnamed country retreat with unlimited paintball credits and the chance to play “Fortune of War” after their usual bedtimes. And after that, if they reach level 47, they will win an all-expenses paid tour of sun and sand resorts in exotic places. Much more fulfilling than doing break and enters to fund a crack habit in some hole in the ground housing commission suburb.

Did I mention the opium ? Free opium too.

So, don’t worry Australian youth – about having an unpropitious birth date. There will be just one exemption – for the poor bastards unlucky enough to be born on a day without a “y” in it. Hah ! Just joking. Everyone will be able to go – unless they have a dad or mum in the cabinet, in which case they’ll be given a non-existent scholarship worth $60,000 to a fashion college.

So, there you have it, FOPA (Friends of Pig’s Arms). Welcome to the new Abbott bastardry – Conscription II.

Beheading the Labor Party

21 Sunday Sep 2014

Posted by in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

, , ,

5752014-4x3-940x705

Rant by Emmjay

It was tense at the Pig’s Arms this week with the news that the AFP and NSW coppers had saved one or two of our random population from suffering the fate of those unfortunate and now deceased westerners in the wrong place at the wrong time – anywhere in the Middle East.

I’m referring to the news coming down on the electric television in the front bar of the pub – about the pre-dawn raid on 25 western suburbs Sydney homes – and some in Brisbane looking for weapons, explosives and computers and phones laden with incriminating evidence of terrorist malfeasance plotting.

RIGHT HERE in the backyard of the pub.

There it was in graphic detail and I might add, beautifully choreographed and shot – dudes with cheap tracky dacks and beards with their hands cable-tied behind them, sitting on the nature strip with reaaallly beefy storm-trooper cops standing over them in the pre-dawn dark. Lots of those pics. Man, how lucky are we being protected by these heroes!

Amazing how the reporters were there on the job to get the action ! Helicopters with search lights !

Fifteen people taken into custody. Three charged after two days – and the rest let free.

But we did get a glimpse of a longish object under a cloth that COULD have been a sword.

And there’s an allegation that there was a phone call from some bearded psychopath supporting the Islamic State to target arrestee #1 instructing him to behead some random bystander and drape them with the IS flag in some really public place. Somewhere.

And so the media went into hyperdrive pedalling rumours about domestic terrorism. Not much actual evidence mind you, but since our illustrious illustrated illusionist leader was busy despatching troops back to Iraq – a nation to which we just recently cut all economic aid – and since we have had to tighten our belts (pay attention poor, sick and disadvantaged people, mentally ill, victims of domestic violence, unemployed people and students) – I guess Tony had to beat up some excuse for doing what America told us to do – even if we clearly cannot afford it.

I mean – what does a squadron of fighter planes and a few thousand troops cost per day compared to keeping open a few women’s shelters and schools for troubled youth ?  Gotta be much cheaper to fund sham military actions than look after our own, doesn’t it ?

I don’t know about you, friends of the Pig’s Arms, but I have a strong feeling of being sold a pile of poo tickets by the government and the media. And I’m ashamed at how keenly our media wants to whip up racism and antipathy towards our Muslim brothers and sisters.

The fact that (on the pretext that the confiscated computers and phones have so much data that it will take time to go through it all) the Australian Government had to trot out Howard era draconian anti-terrorist laws (unlimited detention without charge) to be able to hold the alleged criminals in custody indefinitely speaks volumes.

Here, friends we see it before our own eyes – Tony Abbott’s own ‘children overboard’ moment.

This government is bad enough without creating wild and irrational fear and turning Australia into a dyed in the wool police state. Check out the pictures. They say it all.

Which is in stark contrast with the Labor party who just stand there, looking concerned in case some of the mad bullshit might be remotely true – and saying nothing.

But as far as the Labor Party is concerned, they might as well pack up their tent and abandon the next election, because when the mindless people who voted these scum in have a choice between Bill Shorten and Australia’s answer to Vlad Putin,  I’m pretty sure we can all guess who they think will best protect them.

So, show us the evidence, politicians and cops – some weapons of mass destruction or something, you lying bastards. Hurry up and manufacture some at least.

Or shut the fuck up, let the arrested people go and then you can just piss off.

Shoeleather Critic

21 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by in Emmjay

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

528603_01

Pedestrian Review by Ian Stepp

As if you didn’t already think that humanity has sunk to new lows in trivial pursuits, today I received some footwear spam inviting me to offer my views about the New Waverider 17 Retro Mens running shoe – yours for a mere snip short of 200 buckeroos.

So far two earnest running types raved about the New Waverider, so in the interest of new balance, I thought I’d offer my views – always here to help .

I wear these shoes for lying on the couch in front of the TV drinking beer and eating chips.  On the way to the fridge, I value a shoe that gives me more support than my mistresses and is less slippery than a used car salesman if I spill stuff on the lino.  

They are so comfortable that I take them to bed and the running shoes are good too.

Most of the time I don’t take them off until I have a bath, so stay tuned when I reveal my inner sole next year.

Highly recommended.  Get yourself an au pair.

Paris, Cherchez La Femme

13 Friday Jun 2014

Posted by in Emmjay, Foodge Private Dick

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

Building-the-Eiffel-Tower

Story by Emmjay

O’Hoo looked phased. It was a single phase, not drawing much current. He was unshaven, gaunt. Not exactly fully gaunt; it wasn’t that bad. He was more gauntlet than gaunt.

“You look …” paused Merv.

O’Hoo frowned.

“Drawn” Merv said. “Not exactly ‘drawn’, more ‘sketchy’ than ‘drawn’” he said, pouring the detective a glass canoe of Trotter’s Old, named after Hung’s horse. It was a former pacer (the horse not the beer) and had successfully adapted to Hung’s milieu of fast women and slow ponies.

“Have you seen Foodge ?” O’Hoo asked to no-one in particular, but if he was more particular, he would have admitted he was talking to Merv, particularly since the bar was empty save for the two of them.

“He’s been adopting a low profile. Well, not exactly ‘adopting’…” said Merv, “more like fostering”. He paused. “Not the beer, O’Hoo, you know the thing where you mind other people’s kids for a while so the parents can get stoned more and the kids can nick your stuff and pawn it to buy the parents more drugs”.

“The Dickens” said O’Hoo. “Like Fagin in Oliver Twist ?”

“I’d say he was being more like a nancy boy, O’Hoo” said Merv.

“More pork or chalk a lager yaya” said O’Hoo, inadvertently joining in with Labelle’s ‘Lady Marmalade’ – playing on the Wurlitzer.

Merv ordered up a schnitzel and poured O’Hoo another beer – a Trotter’s Ale this time.

“Wise Foodge laying low ? said O’Hoo.

“Yeah he is” said Merv.

“No, it was a question” said O’Hoo.

“Well how come Emmjay wrote ‘wise’ ?” asked Merv.

“I think he’s doing the chemical enhancement thing,” said O’Hoo. “That or he’s off on a pun spree again”.

“How did you know it was a question ?” asked Merv.

“Are you reading the script right ?” said O’Hoo.

“Are we working off a script ?” asked Merv. “Unusual for Emmjay”.

“True” said O’Hoo. “Now where was I ?”

“You were asking me some pointless thing about Foodge” said Merv.

“Oh yeah. I was wondering why he’s lying low” said O’Hoo.

“Who ?” asked Merv.

“Foodge, said “O’Hoo.

“Oh, Foodge !” said Merv. “Is he lying low”?

“YOU TOLD ME HE’S LYING LOW” said an unusually phased O’Hoo.

“Oh, yeah, I did, ” said Merv. “Why is he lying low ?”

“Yeah”, said O’Hoo.

“Dunno,” said Merv.

O’Hoo’s schnitzel arrived with a generous pile of Granny’s wedges, sour cream and sweet chilli sauce. O’Hoo warmed to the prospect of savouring the wedgie goodness.

“Hmmm” said O’Hoo.

“Hmmm” said Merv, ordering himself a chaser.

“Hmmm” said Foodge.

“Shit !” said Merv and O’Hoo in two part harmony. “Where the fuck did you come from ?”

“I’ve been laying low” said Foodge.

“We’re past that bit,” said O’Hoo. “Merv cocked it up on the last page”

“Are we working off a script ?” said Foodge.

“We’re past that bit too” said Merv.

“What’s my line then ?” asked Foodge.

“I think we’re up to the bit where you tell us why you’ve been laying low” said O’Hoo.

“Oh, righto” said Foodge. “Ready ?”

“Yeah, we’re ready” said Merv.

“Roger” said Foodge.

(pause)

(pause)

“Well ?” said Merv.

“It’s complicated” said Foodge.

It was looking like a long afternoon coming, so Merv poured another round and drew up a chair. Not satisfied with the comfort, he rubbed out the first attempt and drew one with more padding.

“We have all day” said O’Hoo.

“Really ?” said Foodge.

“No, not really” said O’Hoo who, visibly, was losing the will to live.

“Her name is Paris” said Foodge.

“Aha ! Cherchez la femme !” said Emmjay who had dropped in to see how things were going with the script.

“Is this really credible ?” O’Hoo wanted to know.

“What Foodge going to ground over Paris ?” said Emmjay.

“No, the whole script !” said O’Hoo.

“What script ?” said Merv, who clearly wasn’t on the same page – which was not surprising since the script had taken on a life of its own and was pouring itself a glass canoe of Trotters, waiting for Merv to find his place behind the bar.

“I think it works… in a fashion” said Emmjay.

“I’m a work in progress” said the script, downing the last of his Trotter’s Ale.

“Well, fucking do it yourself” said O’Hoo to the script.

Emmjay took out an eraser and deleted O’Hoo from the remainder of the scene and scribbled “Directions Off” in the margin.

This was not the first time Emmjay had marginalised O’Hoo and something told O’Hoo that it probably wouldn’t be the last. The script looked at the fresh wound on its abdomen, sighed and poured another drink.

“Paris, France ?” asked Merv, suddenly lurching into real time.

“No, Paris Brown” said Foodge.

“You mean the lady of dubious repute working at Rosie’s Tattoo Emporium and House of Pain ?” said Merv.

“Yeah” said Foodge, “The one who was Eddie O’Bad’s favourite”.

“You’ve been seeing Paris Brown ?” said Merv with a mixture of incredulity and admiration for Foodge’s hidden talent. “In a professional capacity, Foodge ?”

“Kind of” said Foodge.

“Your profession or hers?” said Merv.

“It’s complex” said Foodge.

 

 

 

 

Change.org

29 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in Emmjay

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Every now and again, I sign a change.org petition when I’m presented with (usually) some unfathomable piece of bureaucratic or political bastardry that’s either wrecked or threatening to wreck the lives of a person or a group of people doing it tough.

So, whereas I might not have signed a petition from Twiggy Forest and Gina Rhinestone complaining about the 2% deficit tax for people earning over $180k a year, I did sign a petition from a fireman with years of service and properly-diagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder being denied his rights by a crappy insurance company that bleeds NSW taxpayers dry in premiums for firies, cops and ambos – but rarely if ever pays up when they need it and deserve it.

In my view, mass organisation against bureaucratic, commercial and political twats is a really good thing – more effective than litigation and a lost faster at resolving fundamental inequities.  I give them my support when it’s appropriate to do so – and like maybe 2 million other change.org participants, you might like to consider helping out too.

More satisfying than and far more effective than ringing up some minion at your local MP, and not a big time waster like trumped up commercial shock jocks who dance for whomever is paying the piper.

Residentless

11 Sunday May 2014

Posted by in Emmjay

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

,

IMG_1335Story and Photograph by Therese Trouserzoff

In Inner West Cyberia, dwell hipsters and basket weavers.

But there are also many people doing it tough, struggling with a substance abuse problem, mental illness, begging outside the small local supermarket.  And there are many people around this fair land sleeping rough with no home or place to call their own.

So it’s with some concern that we see this house, four up the road from Cambria.  This place has been empty for at least eight years.  A few years ago there was a small flurry of activity when (what appeared to be) the owners put a bit of paint on the outside and pulled out all the weeds in the front yard.

But still the place went unoccupied.  That is, it went unoccupied until some ghostly types made entry and sheltered there sans power and water for a few weeks.  I never saw an actual person moving about the property, but there was the occasional light low down casting a glow on the windows at the back of the place – visable from the back lane.

IMG_1336

Then the owners hunted the squatters out and put the nice shiny new padlock on the front gate.

That was at least a couple of years ago.

Apart from the fact that land and houses cost a small fortune around here (a renovated semi quite like this freestanding Victorian place sold for $1.24M two years ago) and that only a mad person would leave such a valuable asset sitting unused and racking up costs (as well as decaying to no good purpose), it strikes me as just plainly morally reprehensible to have unused housing of a modest type, vacant for years while people are forced to live on the street.

I read somewhere that it is usual for maybe 2-3% of houses and flats to be vacant at any one time, but I wonder what proportions of these places are vacant for years on end.

Our local council should triple or quadruple the rates and charge the owners of vacant but habitable properties for routine maintenance and pest control.  And remind them, as absent landlords, that they have an obligation to our society to live in the place or rent it out – or even provide free accommodation to a relative, for example.  But council should send the message loudly and clearly that if the owners aren’t prepared to maintain the house and have someone live in the place, they MUST sell it.

The other positive outcome might be that more properties come on to the market and take some of the upward price pressure off – for purchasers and renters alike.

Homelessness and residentlessness – two sides of the same coin.