Tag Archives: Father O’Way

Father O’Way on the State of Oregon

21 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Mark, Warrigal Mirriyuula

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Story by Hung One On and Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

Hey. Hi. How are you? Sandy here, you know Sandy O’Way your local parish priest. Look I’ll cut to the chase. I need to get my word count up otherwise the Bish will kill me so I will be chucking in a few more words in this article, you know, like, words, words and more words. Wow, 50 words already, who said I’m an idiot.

Anyhoo, look, by the way that’s my second look, the Bish wants me to report on the State of Oregon that is about to be played between two teams, how interesting [groan].  But look, hey my third look, why does the Bish want to know about a state in America but look, okay, let’s take a look.

The State of Oregon is the 33rd state of the USA with a population of almost 4 million.

[ Okay. Stop right there Sandy. Hung here, look, I told you State of Origin, you know, football and the big decider coming up on the 4th July. You know mate I would call you and idiot but that would be an insult to idiots, now get on with it.]

Bloody hell. Did Hung get out of the wrong side of the bed or what but look I was enjoying the story so far. Now I have to write about football, ewww, yuck.

So look, hmm another look, I slip some security guards some suspicious white powder that they think is drugs but is really talcum powder to get an interview with the coaches. Boy, I can’t wait to see the faces of those stupid guards when they start sticking talc up their noses.

The two coaches are Ricky Poofart for the New South Wales Blues and Mal Meningitis for the Queensland Morons. I start with Ricky.

“So Ricky” I ask on the front foot just to let this guy know that I am a footy expert “Who’s going to win the upcoming game of Collingwood versus Manly?” That will stump him.

“Well I’m sorry Father but those teams play in different competitions” Ricky informs.

“Oh, so there is more than one competition?” I ask not knowingly.

“Well yes Father. Collingwood play Aussie Rules but Manly play the real game, Thugby League.” Ricky informs.

Darn. I was hoping for some inside information so I could make a killing down at FabSportsBet. I’ll throw another curly one at him. “What about the clash of the Saints, you know, Saint George verus Saint Kilda?”

“No Father. They are separate games with separate rules. They play on a big oval and we have referees and they have umpires” informs Ricky.

“Yes, yes, of course” I twaddle looking for another gag. “Yes, Ricky, I hear you are ecstatic about the umpires, oops, I mean referees?  I probe.

“It’s always their fault that we lose” Ricky spurts, on his feet now and frothing at the mouth. He grabs me around the throat “The referees are always wrong and we are always right that’s what makes them so wrong and us so right and if we lose it’s rigged” spews Ricky.

“Look Ricky, chill man. So you are called the Blues. I love the blues, you know George Thorogood, Stevie Ray Vaughan that sort of thing” I enquire meekly, fearing for my life.

“The Blues is the colour of our jumper Father, er, um, sorry about the strangle hold.”

Hmm. I dust myself off and head to the next interview with Mal Meningitis, the coach of the Queensland Morons.

“So Mal, I mean Big Mal” hmm, big, M, couldn’t be. I ask the obvious “ So big Mal, you don’t live in Newcastle do you?”

“No Father. I am a true Queenslander. I live in Canberra” Mal replies.

“So Mal, are you are you going to beat those southern hicks, the Blues?” I ask.

“Don’t you worry about that” Mal replies “Look I have just finished making some pumpkin scones, replaced the faded curtains and fed the chooks, so don’t you worry about that Father”

Gordon zarking O’Donnell, what have we here. “Well Mal, have you ever thought about a career in politics?” I state rather dryly.

“Well Father, yes, no, maybe.” Mal states. Hey, maybe we do have something in common after all.

“Look Mal, I’m a fictitious character on a piece of paper that appears on a website called the Pigarms. What state of origin would I fit into?” I ask rather forlornly, you know,  that feeling of not belonging.

“Well Father, by reading some of your stories I think you would fit into the Mental Health state” states Mal.

Yes, finally, I can cheer for my team, the state of Mental Health but I wonder which competition do they play in?

“So Mal, how do you feel about the referees?” I ask trying to hide my complete boredom.

“Look Father” says Mal “You pay them enough money and you get the result you want. In fact the State Premier, Camp Bellnewman, supports gay marriage.”

“I’m sorry Mal but I don’t get what you mean” I state innocently.

“Well look” says Mal “come over sweetie here and I’ll give you a kiss and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.”

Look, someone get me outta here.

[PS: I would like to thank the word look that appeared over 19 times and did nothing for the story at all except improve my word count.]

Father O’Way Saves Julian

08 Friday Jun 2012

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Excellent

Story by Hung One On,  Cartoonery Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

Hi. Sandy here. You now Father O’Way from the parish of St Generic Brand. I have just got Shappy out of jail and rescued Greece from the Eurozone  and now the Bish, you know Bishop Bishop, wants me to do the same for Julian Arse Sarge, from Wikileaks, whatever the zark that is.

“Get Julian out of trouble or you are fired” arcs up the Bish.

“But hey Bish, leeks are something you put in soup?” I ask  knowing I will get hammered.

“No you ninny, leaks as is letting things slip” retorts the Bish rather viscously.

“So he is incontinent?” I reply is my most nonchalant parish priest voice.

“Look, I don’t care what continent he is on Sandy, just find him and save him or else” barks the Bish.

Oh for zark sake. Is the Bish a full time wanker, I think so.

Anyway, I do a bit of homework and I find out that Julian is living on the Bold Coast, which is in Australia some where. Julian is pretending to be a conservative business man running a business and whingeing at every opportunity to bag the government. I have been told that he has an alias called Feat Slipper.

I travel to this Bold Coast to try and find this Julian character. I enter the bordello called “The Slip Inn” and am ushered into a room to meet the owner. A man is sitting at computer and is listening to some old Yes albums. Drugged out hippy no doubt.

“So Julian, the CIA are after you along with the FBI, MI5, AISO and the AFP, but which is the best Yes album?” I cut to the chase.

“Fragile Sandy” Julian replies “but could you have potato soup without leeks?” asks Julian.

“No. Not on mate, but I was told it was leaks as in you are incontinent?” I ask rather innocently.

“Piss off, gerrit!!!!”  Julian asserts.

“No, not really. But Julian you are leaking all over the place, surely you have some sort of plan?” I ask.

“Zarking oaf Sandy. My aim is to take over the Pigsarms. Total world domination follows. Control the Pigsarms and you control the world.”

Sad, but true.

Greece is the Word

31 Thursday May 2012

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Story by Hung One On and Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

Hi. Sandy O’Way here, you know the, yes I guess you know by now. I’m in a cab on my way to the Nazi Goering Airport on Barley when the phone rings. Guess who, the Bish.

“Sandy, hop a plane to Greece. They are in great trouble and need your help to prevent them dropping out of the Eurozone” bleats the Bish.

“Hmm, Eroticzones, sounds good to me Bish” I answer eagerly.

“No you dimwit. The Eurozone is a common European currency used by all European countries, you know like Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain, Austria, Romania, Moldova and Switzerland you must rescue them or you’re fired” demands the Bish.

Hmm, there goes my comfy retirement but Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain, Austria, Romania, Moldova and Switzerland spells PIGSARMS. It’s a sign from Gordon, I’m on a mission from GOD! This must be connected to the Pigs Arms, the home of  pink drinks and Trotters Ale, well I’ll do it for them, they are worth saving.

On the plane I am seated next to a strangely attractive female dressed in black leather and teased hair however there is something not quite right here, like since when do women have an Adams apple and a five o’clock shadow, hmm.

“Hi cutey. I’m Olivia Neutron Bomb” er, um, she states and extends here rather hairy hand.

We shake hands and she nearly crushes it, crikey more grip than a hooker up the Cross. “Er, um Sandy O’Way, nice to meet you, now can you give me my hand back” I blurt in pain and agony.

“ I’ve just finished my last year at Rydell’s High School and had to leave behind my boyfriend, John Travolting, but look sweetie I’m always open to any mile high suggestions” she gushes batting her eyelashes faster then a hummingbird on heat. “You see Father, I got chills. They’re multiplyin’. And I’m losin’ control. Cause the power you’re supplyin’, it’s electrifyin’! You’re the one that I want, (you are the one I want), o,o, oo, honey, The one that I want. (you are the one I want), o,o,oo, honey. The one that I want, (you are the one I want), o,o, ooooo, The one I need.
Oh, yes indeed”

“Er, um, well, look Miss, I’m a parish priest and I’m on a mission from GOD.” I search unwittingly for an answer to dispel, well, um, this young lady.

“So you’re in the missionary position Father? See Greece is the word, Greece is the word, is the word that you heard, It’s got groove it’s got meaning, Greece is the time, is the place is the motion, Greece is the way we are feeling” she says.

“No I’m off to save Greece from dropping out of the Eurozone.” I state rather firmly.

“Well look up my old friend, Evangeos Venizelopoulos, he is a handsome Geek man that likes things Greek style in every way, if you know what I mean”  he, er, um, she smirks.

Well no, I don’t know what you mean but someone get me out of here.

I head to Evangoes’ office but I mean fancy being in Greece, the centre of the world, handsome men, pretty women and the best food I have ever eaten. Yeah, Greece is the word.

“So Evangoes” I start “ the country is up shit creek. What are you going to do about it?”

“Well, I will win the next election and trash everything from the IMF and anyone else” he says rather firmly.

“The IMF?” I ask rather dimwittingly.

“Yes, the Internationally Myopic Financers” he replies.

“Hmm, what about asking people to pay tax? I mean Christine “Frenchy” LaGrange, head of the IMF,  said so herself only the other day” I moot carefully.

“Sir, you insult me and my nation. We pay no tax. Tax is a pox. When I attend the school dance with the T-Birds and the Pink Ladies there is no talk of tax. We will win the dance off and fund the country that way. Anyway, Frenchy has insulted my car, a Datsun 120Y, and I have challenged her to a race to the death” he asserts loudly and demonstratively.

“So Evangoes, what is life for you after politics?” I ask.“Well” says Evangoes “Frenchy has promised me a head job in the car park so I expect to be Le Comminsioner de stationnement [The Commissioner of Parking] I guess.”

I rest my car.

The Return of Father O’Way – in Barley

28 Monday May 2012

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Nazi Goering

Story by the Great Hung One On – Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula

Hi. Sandy O’Way here. You know the good father from the St Generic Brand parish, around the corner and down the street from the Pigs Arms. Well the Bish, you know Bishop Bishop, wants me to get Shappy Corebee out of jail. Apparently Shappy got caught smuggling thugs into Barley as the local thugs aren’t strong enough and that’s why they need Australian thugs and let face we have plenty of thugs in Australia.

[Stop.  Cut. Cease.  Hung here. Look Sandy you idiot it’s drugs not thugs, now get on with it and stop being silly]

Oh, sorry! Okay so she’s a drug smuggler and is in jail in Barley which is an island in Donesia. Donesia is rated the most corrupt country in the world just above Australia. The Barlenese don’t want to be part of Donesia but when asked to join they didn’t have enough guns, tanks and jetfighters so they agreed. Anyway what can you bribe corruption with?  I ask myself as I land at the airport in the capital of Barley, Nazi Goering.

I check into my hotel, The Nazi Goering Combination Hotel, and head for two private investigators, Beef and Chicken Satay. The Bish told me that these two old skewers are really peanuts but know the island. I send them out to get the low-down on how I can get Shappy out of the can.

The next day Beef rings me at my hotel “Look Sandy, we found high level criminal activity, hookers, inappropriate reporting procedures and set up merchants” Beef spluttered.

“Look Beef, I didn’t ask for a report on the Health Services Union, anyway you sound a bit overdone, I’ll take it from here”.

What in the name of Gordon am I going to do? The Bish said get her out or you’re fired so I better come up with something. I know I’ll ring the jail and make an appointment with the Governor, Berguling Gado Gado.

“Mr Gado Gado’s office” the voice replied.

“Er,um, hi, can I make an appointment to see the governor?” I ask rather nervously.

“Certainly Sir, 10:45 tomorrow morning. And your name Sir?” the voice asks.

My name, zark, what’s my name, crikey it’s been such a long time I’ve forgotten, oh hang on it’s at the top of the page, you know how you characteristically introduce yourself, see Sandy O’Way. Don’t you just love having conversations with yourself, yes I see it now, I say Hi. Sandy O’Way here so that must be me. “Sandy” I reply confidently “Sandy O’Way”.

“Thank you Sandy Sandy O’Way we will see you tomorrow” the voice affirms.

“No my name is just Sandy O’Way” I state rather awkwardly.

“Okay then Just Sandy O’Way see you tomorrow”.

I give up otherwise I will chew up my word limit and you won’t find out what happens in the end. I mean lets face it that’s why you read anything, to find out what happens in the end. So me I just read the end first and that saves me a lot of time. Like Frodo drops the One Ring into the Crack of Doom, now that saved me a heap of reading.

“Well Governor how can I convince you to let Shappy out of jail?” I ask. May as well get on the front foot.

“Yeah sure. I have 27th July 1965, 8th Feburury 1982 or August 1st 2003. Which date would you like?” the Governor exclaims.

“But Governor all those dates are past” I state rather bewildered by it all.

“Well in that case we better let her out then”

And so that is how it happened, honest, well sort of.

Father O’Way in Sri Lanka

08 Thursday Sep 2011

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Licky licky goo goo

 

Hi, look Father O’Way here. I’m really miffed. The Bish, you know Bishop Bishop of the St Generic Brand Church of Inner Western Cyberia has got the audacity to ring me in the Caribbean on my holidays with the beautiful Belinda to do a job.

 Anyhoo, enough whingeing. I have to go and find out what is going on behind the scenes in the Australian cricket team. Apparently the selectors have been dumped and everyone hates Greg Crapell, I mean, is this the bleeding obvious or what.

So I fly to Sri Lanka, you know the home of the paradise island, tea, coconuts and rocket launchers. Geez, thanks Bish.

Using some suspicious white powder, some green looking dried vegetable and gold bars I work my way into the inner sanctum of Australian cricket, the bar.

As usual all of the players have finished their lines, cocaine usually and are chatting around the bar.

“Did you all hear old chaps that Greg Crapell will be staying on for the tour?” I asked the group of players.

Ah f#@k, s@#t, p@#s, Geez a@#s were some of the more notable replies.

“What do think Greg can add to the team?” Geeps, who are my script writers, I’ll get killed for this.

F@#k all, he’s absolutely s#@t from a alpaca, for f@#k sake burn him at the stake and he doesn’t even eat meat, eeeewwww, were some of the more common answers.

“You have won the first test and would be confident going into the next match. I see that a former groundsman has been capped and did well, what are your thoughts on this?” Man, I’m shitting my self asking this one, I mean these guys are on coke, pissed, rich, ego centric, fit, aggressive, nasty, win at all costs sort of dudes.

F@#king good on ‘im mate, geez them wops are p@#s weak, can’t beat a f@#king groundsman, a@#s lickers mate, again were some of the more notable comments.

“Do you think Greg  Crapell is the sort of guy that attracts lots of # symbols and @ symbols?” I venture rather nervously. This crowd is getting ugly.

F@#king oath, you bet you a@#e and F@#k you uncle, again were more of the notable replies.

Father O’Way here. Signing out, in his lounge room, Nowhere, I hope….

FOW – Climate change for Dummies

22 Friday Jul 2011

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Hi. Father O’Way(FOW) here. You know me now as Sandy, affectionately I’m sure. Anyhoo I have been asked to interview Lourdes Shitstirfer Muckrake(LSM). As you know there has been a lot of debate going on over at The Drum about climate change so I’m interviewing a leading critic against climate change. Here’s a transcript.

 

FOW: So, Lourdes Shitstirfer you oppose climate change and even say that the planet is cooling?

LSM: Please, call me Shit. Most people that know me refer to me by that name.

FOW: Okay, Shit, you claim that the planet is cooling?

LSM: Yes, from one year to another the temperature changed, big deal, I mean who gives a fig. If you look at 2000 to 2010 the temperature went down.

FOW: However the temperature from 1880 to now has gone up, how do you explain that?

LSM: That’s crap.

FOW: Sorry, I thought you said it was Shit.

LSM: Yes, it’s Shit but that’s crap.

FOW: Crap?

LSM: Yes, shit.

FOW: Hmm, how about the oceans are acidifying?

LSM: Hey, nothing wrong with a bit of acid man, I mean, my school days and that, wow.

FOW: What about the rising coastline?

LSM: Yeah, man, surf’s up in the western suburbs, whoa!

FOW: How about renewable energy?

LSM: If it’s renewable and that energy can be renewed then I think that renewable energy is very renewable and therefore renewable.

FOW: That’s crap?

LSM: No, Shit.

FOW: You actually didn’t say anything

LSM: No shit.

 

Sandy O’Way signing out, In His House, Nowhere.

Father O’Way: Religion for Dummies

24 Friday Jun 2011

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Hello. Hung One On (HOO)  here. Look, all this brouhaha about religion has sent me to the far corners of the earth to interview our own parish priest form the inner western suburbs of Inner Cyberia Father “Sandy” O’Way (FOW). As two intellectual giants we will battle it out about religion, God and life after death. Here’s a transcript.

HOO: So Sandy, all this stuff in the media lately about religion over at the old Unleashed, you know about how Chaplains are being placed in schools and how they may proselytize?

FOW: Sorry Hung but I take deep offence that you accuse us of us having sex with little boys.

HOO: No, Sandy, that’s paedophilia, I mean proselytize.

FOW: If you think that I’m going to get dressed up in black suspenders and stockings and stand on a corner then you have another thing coming.

HOO: No, Sandy, that’s prostitution, I mean proselytize.

FOW: We can never be guilty of that however we usually do this,  convert someone to another religion or opinion; convert to another religion or faith; enlist someone to one’s cause (also proselytise) . Get the picture?

HOO: So Sandy, the big one, is there a God?

FOW: Well, there’s a Gordon but don’t know about God.

HOO: Is there life after death?

FOW: No, unless you owe the tax office.

HOO: What do you think about the articles posted by Astyages an atomou concerning their views on Greek mythology?

FOW: Isn’t it marvellous watching two geniuses arguing over absolute bullshit, I mean they take bullshit to a new level. I mean the different side of the river bank, cut me to pieces that one.

HOO: Hmm, Do you speak with God?

FOW: Oh, shit yeah, all the time, I have his number in my mobile, lets talk to him.

[Ring, ring]

GOD: Hello God, here, Gordon O’Donnell [GOD]

HOO: Er, Hung here God, there has been a bit of a storm here lately about religion and you know the big one, life after death, that sort of thing and I was wondering if I could get your view on these issues?

GOD: Jesus Hung, pretty big subjects but let me see, religion is the choice of the individual but should be kept away from kids, life after death, well sort of, I’d probably give you two to one on but you probably just die, well sort of, you know what I mean.

HOO: But Gordon, that sounds like you are trying to have a bit each way?

GOD: Well Hung, I’m not dead yet so I can’t answer the question, anyway got to go, watching 25 years of The Bill.

Whew, heady stuff. Anyhoo I’ll sign off, Hung One On, Inside his House, No Where.

The Eye of God as seen from the Hubble Telescope

 

PS: For Warrigal, hopefully a smile has been delivered by the good Father.

Father O’Way and Burb Dylan

24 Tuesday May 2011

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Burb Dylan – Unlive

Hi. Father “Sandy” O’Way here. I have just landed an interview with Burb Dylan, you know, the singer. Anyhoo, apparently he has turned 71 for the tenth time. Here’s a transcript.

FOW: So Burb you are now 71 again, how does it feel?

BD: Sandy, you know, well the times they are a changing.

FOW: Hmm, yes well, I believe that you recently revealed that you were a heroin addict. When I was a kid my favourite heroine was Maureen O’Hara, do you remember her?

BD: Yes, sure do, in them pirate movies, I mean was she knocking on heavens door.

FOW: I believe you have lost money on the stock market?

BD: Yes Sandy, just like a rolling stone.

FOW: Hey Burb, are you going to answer me every time with a line from one of your songs?

BD: Just like a woman, I’m stuck in the middle with you.

FOW: But I’m a bloke

BD: Well hey Mr Tamborine man play a song for me

FOW: Do you think that you have succumbed to capitalism?

BD: Well Sandy, no matter what, you gotta serve somebody.

FOW: To wrap up Burb what’s the best advice you have for your audience?

BD: I think that lay lady lay, if not for you of course, Oh sister, forever young, tangled in blue, forever young with the joker man, so one day I will be released and can then shelter from the storm.

FOW: This is getting nowhere!

O’Way on the Trail

19 Thursday May 2011

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Osama Ben Lardin before seals

Hi. Father O’Way here. Just thought I’d let you know that I have had an exclusive interview with , you know, with the chief villain,  Osama Ben Lardin,  who is on holidays in YouBetYaStan. Here’s a transcript.

 FOW: So, Obama, mate, is it okay to call you Barrick?

OBL: My name is Osama, Obama is the president of the United States of America.

FOW: Wow, I love that band, you know, “Lump sits alone in a lonely heart dah dah dah da, yeah, She’s lump, she’s lump she’s in my head. She’s lump, she’s lump,  she might be dead, yeah, dah, dah, dah, da, dah, da”

OBL: No, you fool, my sworn enemy

FOW: Speaking of that, do you think Barry Hall should have stayed with  the Swans?

OBL: Hall and Swans, who are they, just kill.

FOW: Do you think Jamie Soward is the real play maker?

OBL: Just kill them and then find out

FOW: Do you think Shame Worn was fined to much for telling a zarking stupid cricket secretary that he was a zarking stupid cricket secretary?

OBL: Who the zark is Shame Worn I jus wanna kill yeah, man.

FOW: Will Mark Webber be able to repeat the feat of Alan Jones?

OBL: I’m coming to kill you !

FOW: Hand on a minute Ossie, there’s someone at the door

12.3 The Birthday Final

06 Friday May 2011

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Pic by Warrigal

The story so far, Sandy, that’s me, I have to reset the expiry date on Gordon’s One Card. The only place I can do that is at the bottom of a mountain guarded by a blood thirsty war tribe on a distant planet. Sounds fun, not.

The girls are out fighting the Stumponian Battle Fleet while I look for every hiding place I can find. Not into this fighting thing. Alas the S.S. Julian II has been able to beam me down into the room at the bottom of Mount TheKerb that houses the ATM. The bad part is only I could get through and I’ve come face to face with the evil Lord Axelrod the Marauder, who also turns out to have been my brother David in a previous life, being mine. One scary dude let me tell you.

“So Sandy we finally meet” grins Axelrod. Yeah, great. Just what I needed.

“Ur, um, yeah, like, you know, like I have to reset the card er, um, like, you know what I mean Alexrod” I stammer.

“We fight to the death with swords” he reply’s thrusting  the weapon in my direction.

“Hey look, I did that trip with Dad and he didn’t come off to good” I relate, thinking about Lord Deaf Visions untimely death. “Look how about hand paper scissors or draughts, occupational health and safety and all that” I plead.

“You have been sent for the bail as well Sandy” says Alexrod “so we fight to the death”

Zark. Why does everything in space involve a fight. I mean just can’t we all love one another plus I’m a coward and just want to get the zark out of here.

I didn’t last long in the sword fight and in less than a few minutes Alexrod has me pinned in the corner and is about to kill me when the Helvi-bot arrives and kicks Alexrods sword away while simultaneously shooting him in the arm. Who says women can’t multi-task.

I reset the expiry date and pick up the bail while Helvi holds a gun on Alexrod. Wow, you wait till I tell my work buddies. “Waddya do in the holidays Sandy?” they will ask to which I might just say “Oh, held a murderous tribal leader with a gun or two in an intergalactic war where cricket rules”. To which they reply “That Sandy is one crazy dude”.

I examine Alexrods wounds and say “Not to bad, you’ll live”

“Don’t worry Sandy, I’ll be Bach” replies Alexrod.

“No, I think you mean back don’t you?”