Author Archives: Therese Trouserzoff

Abbott to Bring Back Conscription

30 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

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conscription  Emmjay – Can’t Help Himself Again

Not content with being at the cutting edge, Pig’s Arms ranga reporter Brian O’Kerry speaks to us from over the event horizon today, beyond the Western skyline.

This is his story.

He choses to start now.

In a shocking, but entirely consistent way, the PM with the leastest, the man with no money in his budget, no heart in his budget and in fact no budget in his budget, is about to spend millions each day sending our troops into Iraq (AGAIN !).

The retired military (only place to be when a war is on…. retired) are all advising that this will be a long war. Long these days means more than a decade. So get ready for a fucked economy for ANOTHER decade at least.

But there’s a more pressing item on the neo-fascist Abbotian agenda. Youth unemployment. Hmmm. War and unemployment. Hmmm. What did we do when we had this problem in the sixties ?

I REMEMBER ! We brought in an entirely unfair ballot that forced young men (note – only young men – and young men from the working class to boot to boot camp on the way to having their lives entirely fucked up in Vietnam.

Now we all know how massively unpopular that was, but it was at a time when people gave a stuff about a fair go and stood against political evil – shoulder to shoulder. This is now. Every man and woman for themselves. Stuff you, I definitely am all right Jack.

So, it is with heavy heart that, looking over the horizon, our Pig’s Arms cub reporter reports that the Abbott Government will be bringing in conscription on the first Tuesday in January when the Reserve Bank will raise interest rates and sell bonds to fund Australia’s contribution to the newly discovered fresh war on terror (a.k.a. demonising everyone with a beard, a burqua or both. Especially both.)

In a fresh departure from his usual punitive stance, Abbott will be offering nashos a holiday at an unnamed country retreat with unlimited paintball credits and the chance to play “Fortune of War” after their usual bedtimes. And after that, if they reach level 47, they will win an all-expenses paid tour of sun and sand resorts in exotic places. Much more fulfilling than doing break and enters to fund a crack habit in some hole in the ground housing commission suburb.

Did I mention the opium ? Free opium too.

So, don’t worry Australian youth – about having an unpropitious birth date. There will be just one exemption – for the poor bastards unlucky enough to be born on a day without a “y” in it. Hah ! Just joking. Everyone will be able to go – unless they have a dad or mum in the cabinet, in which case they’ll be given a non-existent scholarship worth $60,000 to a fashion college.

So, there you have it, FOPA (Friends of Pig’s Arms). Welcome to the new Abbott bastardry – Conscription II.

Cephalopod Human

24 Wednesday Sep 2014

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Hello everyone,

Calling all scientists, artists, photographers, writers, cinematographers, reporters …etc

In less than a minute see the cephalopod-human in the Living Data Lab at UTS last Monday lunchtime:

He will come again next Monday 1-2pm IF enough people want to watch, photograph, videotape, draw, write, and distribute their recordings online.  Let us know !

Organised by artist, environmental activist and Friend of the Pig’s Arms,

Lisa Roberts

http://lisaroberts.com.au

‘

VIVIENNE’s Back on the BBQ

23 Tuesday Sep 2014

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butterflied-lamb

One boned leg of lamb

The marinade is from Stephanie Alexander’s The Cook’s Companion (1st edition). I first used it to marinate a boned leg of lamb in the late 90s.

Mix together –

  • 3 tablespoons Dijon mustard
  • 1 tablespoon light soy
  • 1 tablespoon plain flour
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1 teaspoon of finely chopped rosemary leaves
  • Ground black pepper

Stephanie omitted recommending how long to marinate but experience says a good four hours. It is more like a paste so spread it over a butterflied leg of lamb having trimmed excess fat.   Because the lamb is butterflied it does not take long to cook and cooking time depends on the level of preferred pinkness. Please do not overcook. Best cooked on the hot plate. Serve sliced up with salads or whatever takes your fancy.

Chicken skewers

finalchicken

Marinate 2cm cubes of chicken thighs in the following mixture. (This would do at least 1 kg of chicken.)

  • Juice and grated rind of a whole lemon
  • Crushed garlic – about 5 standard cloves
  • Handful of chopped fresh Oregano
  • Salt (preferably Murray River flakes)
  • Freshly ground pepper
  • A finely chopped fresh red chilli and a sprinkle of dried chilli flakes
  • 2 teaspoons cumin
  • 2 tablespoon brown sugar
  • Olive oil to combine all together and enough to coat the chicken

I recommend tasting the marinade to see if it is to your liking. You may wish to adjust things a little. A couple of hours marinating is all that is needed. Skewer up and cook on the BBQ grill.

You might like to make this rice salad – it is rather delicious.

Brown rice salad

Cook one cup of brown rice, allow to drain well and completely cool. Then add the following dressing and vegetables.

Dressing –

  • Juice of a whole lemon
  • Teaspoon of crushed garlic
  • 3 tablespoons of soy sauce
  • 2 tablespoons of peanut oil/vegetable oil

Add 3 sticks celery chopped up; half a large red capsicum chopped up; small can of corn; currants (handful) and 3 spring onions sliced. Mix altogether. Then add couple handfuls of roughly chopped cashews dry toasted in pan (add salt if they are unsalted).

—ooo—

Beheading the Labor Party

21 Sunday Sep 2014

Posted by in Emmjay, Politics in the Pig's Arms

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Rant by Emmjay

It was tense at the Pig’s Arms this week with the news that the AFP and NSW coppers had saved one or two of our random population from suffering the fate of those unfortunate and now deceased westerners in the wrong place at the wrong time – anywhere in the Middle East.

I’m referring to the news coming down on the electric television in the front bar of the pub – about the pre-dawn raid on 25 western suburbs Sydney homes – and some in Brisbane looking for weapons, explosives and computers and phones laden with incriminating evidence of terrorist malfeasance plotting.

RIGHT HERE in the backyard of the pub.

There it was in graphic detail and I might add, beautifully choreographed and shot – dudes with cheap tracky dacks and beards with their hands cable-tied behind them, sitting on the nature strip with reaaallly beefy storm-trooper cops standing over them in the pre-dawn dark. Lots of those pics. Man, how lucky are we being protected by these heroes!

Amazing how the reporters were there on the job to get the action ! Helicopters with search lights !

Fifteen people taken into custody. Three charged after two days – and the rest let free.

But we did get a glimpse of a longish object under a cloth that COULD have been a sword.

And there’s an allegation that there was a phone call from some bearded psychopath supporting the Islamic State to target arrestee #1 instructing him to behead some random bystander and drape them with the IS flag in some really public place. Somewhere.

And so the media went into hyperdrive pedalling rumours about domestic terrorism. Not much actual evidence mind you, but since our illustrious illustrated illusionist leader was busy despatching troops back to Iraq – a nation to which we just recently cut all economic aid – and since we have had to tighten our belts (pay attention poor, sick and disadvantaged people, mentally ill, victims of domestic violence, unemployed people and students) – I guess Tony had to beat up some excuse for doing what America told us to do – even if we clearly cannot afford it.

I mean – what does a squadron of fighter planes and a few thousand troops cost per day compared to keeping open a few women’s shelters and schools for troubled youth ?  Gotta be much cheaper to fund sham military actions than look after our own, doesn’t it ?

I don’t know about you, friends of the Pig’s Arms, but I have a strong feeling of being sold a pile of poo tickets by the government and the media. And I’m ashamed at how keenly our media wants to whip up racism and antipathy towards our Muslim brothers and sisters.

The fact that (on the pretext that the confiscated computers and phones have so much data that it will take time to go through it all) the Australian Government had to trot out Howard era draconian anti-terrorist laws (unlimited detention without charge) to be able to hold the alleged criminals in custody indefinitely speaks volumes.

Here, friends we see it before our own eyes – Tony Abbott’s own ‘children overboard’ moment.

This government is bad enough without creating wild and irrational fear and turning Australia into a dyed in the wool police state. Check out the pictures. They say it all.

Which is in stark contrast with the Labor party who just stand there, looking concerned in case some of the mad bullshit might be remotely true – and saying nothing.

But as far as the Labor Party is concerned, they might as well pack up their tent and abandon the next election, because when the mindless people who voted these scum in have a choice between Bill Shorten and Australia’s answer to Vlad Putin,  I’m pretty sure we can all guess who they think will best protect them.

So, show us the evidence, politicians and cops – some weapons of mass destruction or something, you lying bastards. Hurry up and manufacture some at least.

Or shut the fuck up, let the arrested people go and then you can just piss off.

Pig’s Arms Top 40

04 Thursday Sep 2014

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From Your Hostest with the Leastest

Remember when Friday bought the 1960s most important news – the Top 40 ? It was the information that kept us in touch with life’s most important issues – like whether Dave Clarke Five’s “Ferry ‘Cross the Mersey” would overtake Freddy and the Dreamers “Do the Freddy”.

Well, in recognition that things have changed, but the Top 40 helps us maintain a sense of our priorities, here – for your edification is the Pig’s Arms World Top 40.

  1. What Have they Done with Ukraine, Ma ? – European Cover Band – number 1 with a bullet !
  2. Going to War with ISM – Barack and the Bombers -a solid performer with tour dates announced for Kurdistan.
  3. Ebola – Fearan Epidemic
  4. My Budget Lies Over the Ocean – Joe and the Jokers
  5. Six Months in a Leaky Boat – Scott and the Protected Borders
  6. University Soldier – Chrissy and the Pynefields
  7. War – What is it Good For ? Dick Cheney with Donny and the Rumsfelds
  8. Money, Money, Money – Gina and the Rhinos
  9. Newcastle Mining Disaster – Nat Tinkle and the Panhandlers
  10. Baby Love – George and the Pellmen
  11. Sweet 16 – Rolf and the Harridans
  12. Fighting in the Streets – The Ferguson Stompers V the Police
  13. Turn Turn Turn – Clive Palmer and the Do-Wop Girls
  14. Help ! – The Economy – down from number 12
  15. How Can I be Sure ? – the Renewable Energy Band
  16. Bad Moon Rising – CSIRO and the Scientists
  17. I Wanna Be Sedated – Cara More and the Environment
  18. Do the Eddie – ICAC
  19. Do the Eric – Joe Tripod
  20. Do the Tripod Stomp – Eric and the Roozens
  21. One Day, Some Day – Pete Costello and the Second Fiddles
  22. Edelweiss, Idle White – Georgie Brandis and the Far Right
  23. Sally Had to Get Married – Echo Abetz and the Backyard Abortionists
  24. Tax the Poor – Joe and the Jokers
  25. Have You Seen My Wife, Mr Jones ? Craig and the Thompsonettes
  26. Barangaroo Boogie – Jimmy Packer and the Rolling Inits.
  27. Bus Stop – Gladys B and the Inner West Transport
  28. Waiting for a Train – Gladys B and the Inner West Transport
  29. Fly Me to the Moon – Alan Joyce and the Joyce Boys
  30. Can’t Buy Me Love – Tony and the Front Benchers
  31. Classical Gas – AGL and the Lamplighters
  32. Frackin Me Baby – AGL and the Lamplighters.
  33. Under My Bed – Peter and the Slippers
  34. The Bicycle Song – Tony and the Speedos
  35. Green Green Grass of Home – Cara Bon and the Tax
  36. You Only Live Twice – Phil Nitschke
  37. Jump ! – Psycho Boyfriend and the Block of Flats
  38. Mine, Mine, Mine (It’s All) – Gina and the Rhinos
  39. Talk to Me, Talk to Me – the iPhone 6
  40. It’s All Over Now – Earth and the Seven Billion

Shoeleather Critic

21 Thursday Aug 2014

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Pedestrian Review by Ian Stepp

As if you didn’t already think that humanity has sunk to new lows in trivial pursuits, today I received some footwear spam inviting me to offer my views about the New Waverider 17 Retro Mens running shoe – yours for a mere snip short of 200 buckeroos.

So far two earnest running types raved about the New Waverider, so in the interest of new balance, I thought I’d offer my views – always here to help .

I wear these shoes for lying on the couch in front of the TV drinking beer and eating chips.  On the way to the fridge, I value a shoe that gives me more support than my mistresses and is less slippery than a used car salesman if I spill stuff on the lino.  

They are so comfortable that I take them to bed and the running shoes are good too.

Most of the time I don’t take them off until I have a bath, so stay tuned when I reveal my inner sole next year.

Highly recommended.  Get yourself an au pair.

The King and Aye

14 Thursday Aug 2014

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Story by Emmjay

So, as the sun rises on another balmy day in the kingdom of Burmalia, the king and his advisers sit, crossed-legged, on the veranda of the west wing of the palace. The early morning sun warms the pandanus palms in the garden nearby and the dew wafts gently from the leaves and vanishes like the hint of a good idea.

They sip tea. No-one speaks. The air is taught with anticipation. The king stands and concentrates on the massive teak door in the garden wall. The latch turns and a slim and short man in the uniform of the palace guard steps inside, noiselessly closes the door, turns and walks towards the group on the verandah. He approaches with the purposeful but cautious gait of a man bearing difficult news. Not bad news, but news likely to cause the king some concern.

He arrives at the steps, stops and bows deeply. Waits.

“Brandis” says the king, acknowledging him and inviting him to speak his news. The group are all standing now, silent.

“Majesty”, he replies “the honourable minister for the navy sends his greetings and wishes to inform you that another boat carrying Australian politicians is approaching our shore. He respectfully asks for your instructions”.

“Thank you, Brandis” says the king. “Please take tea with us for the moment while we confer. Gentlemen, be seated”.

“Be so kind as to call the minister for foreign affairs, please Mr Hoo-key” says the king.

“How many boats this time, Brandis?” asks the king.

“One, Majesty”.

“One” replies the king, unworried.

“How many refugee politicians ?”

“One hundred and seventy-two, majesty” says Brandis.

“I see” says the king. “Not so many”.

“No, Majesty”.

“Women and children ?” says the king.

“No, Majesty” says Brandis.

The minister for foreign affairs enters and bows deeply.

“The Australian boat politicians, minister. What is making these people seek refuge in Burmalia ?”

“Your majesty, since the revolution began, working families in Australia have turned on their former political masters and many have fled or remain in hiding.”

“I see. Why are they so objectionable ?”

“Majesty, it is said that they have scant regard for the needs of ordinary people. The popular blogsphere says that they feather their own nests, cheat on their travel expenses, look after their friends to the exclusion of everyone else. Worse, it appears, Majesty, they tax the poor and the sick, remove funding from education and speak ill of their indigenous neighbours”.

“I have heard that they are warriors” says the king.

“It is true, Majesty, they seem to enjoy fighting in other people’s wars” says the minister for foreign affairs. “They regard themselves as deputies to the Americans” she adds.

“And the Americans ?” says the king.

“Could scarcely care less so long as Australia continues to provide safe investment and harbour for American military” adds the minister.

“No women or children on the boat ?” asks the king.

“No, Majesty, Australians do not take female politicians seriously. No children because Australian male politicians don’t take any women seriously” says the foreign minister.

“What is the feeling of the people of Burmailia”? asks the king.

“The people of Burmalia are sad that Australian politicians are so despised by their own people. We understand that Australian politicians are a very low caste, are overwhelmingly ignorant and uncaring neo-conservatives, no doubt”, says the minister of the interior.

“But we should show them the care and courtesy we give to all our citizens, Majesty. With your assent, Majesty, we will feed, house and clothe them first. Then we will ask our monks to attend to their spiritual education.”

“Let it be so” says the king. “I will offer them the opportunity to work with the lepers” he says, smiling. “They may feel that they are amongst friends”.

“Are we finished ?” asks the king, which is to say that “We are finished”.

“Shall we meditate on loving kindness ?” says the king, closing his eyes and feeling the warmth of the sun rising above the pandanus.

 

 

 

Chubby Girlz Butz Bar and the Taste of Memory

30 Wednesday Jul 2014

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pumpkinbutt

 

 Story by an Ominous Anonymous Correspondent

One of the many gifts of being a flaneur is the encounter with the absurd, even surreal notions of what to do with a life.

On Broadway, on the way to the Apple Store is a rhymeless couplet of retail malapropisms second, possibly, to none. I mean, WHAT were they thinking when they rocked down to the Department of Fair (irony ?) Trading to register the names in their fertile imaginations ? Did they not notice a trace of wry smile on the faces of the signwriters who, if they were astute in matters of debt recovery would certainly have insisted on cash up front.  As opposed to expecting a lump sum in derriers.

Take a wild guess what Chubby Girlz Butz Bar sells. Let’s eliminate the usual connotations of the word “bar”. No, this esteemable establishment does not sell alcoholic beverages. That narrows it down a bit.

No, wait, “narrows” isn’t quite the right word. It’s a broader concept than that.

This emerging retail giant has an expectation that ladies with oversized rear ends are going to swallow their pride with the same alacrity as they swallow upsized fast food portions and sprint through the gaping maw of an establishment that insists on them admitting to the world that they have a fat arse.

More to the point, if that’s not another “not quite right” term, unlike what you might imagine, CGBB does not vend silk panties made from a quantity of silk reminiscent of a WWII parachute. Oh, no. They design to sell teeny weeny G-string numbers, which, when applied would disappear without the attachment of a colourful recovery device or maybe a bookmark. And perhaps that’s their marketing trump card. A CG with a BB and a poor memory might forget that she’s already put one on and could apply another, and another and another.

Is this not some kind of cruel joke ? Is this as non PC as one could get this side of a world trouble spot ?

But if such an unfortunate lady was to fall victim to their evil marketing ways, relief in the form of comfort food (both cause and effect here) is near to hand to mouth. Hard up to CGBB we have “The Taste of Memory”.

Now to save you more mental torment, I’ve thought this one through for you, tested a few theories and I can get us over the understanding line pretty smartly. Hold my hand. Here we go.

First, “memory” ….. word association ….. brain…… This eponymous retailer sells offal, probably lambs’ brains. Relieved to learn that they do not ? So was I.

Second, “Taste” ….. noooo, clearly an organisation committed to good taste would hardly cosy up to a Chubby Girl’s Butt – or at least not in public.

Third, (and I think we might be getting warm here), perhaps they sell food that reminds us of past happy times …. Childhood ?   Infancy ? Aha. So I think this shop must sell breast milk. THIS I have got to see.

“Do you need some assistance, sir ?”

“No thanks, I was just admiring your packaging”