Author Archives: Therese Trouserzoff

'Ear Ye, 'Ear Ye !

22 Sunday Mar 2020

Posted by in Emmjay

≈ 15 Comments

Our thanks to the Duke and Duchess of Essex for the loan of their town crier.

Be it known through all the lands that unto Lord Mervyn Purvis and family is born a Grandson Master William “Pigsarms” Pervis, 3.1kg.

Lady Emmlet 1 and Emmlets 1.1 and 1.2 are all well and sporting 60 fingers and toes between them. Lady Emmlet 1 looks more like she’s back from a trip to the PA Beauty Salon than having just punched out a sprog.

Lord Mervyn, Mr Emmjay and Ms FM are (as Jacky Geason might have almost said) “Over the Moon”.

Please leave flowers and chocolates at the pub door – we are all in lockdown (well, Lord Mervyn has been in lockup too).

Regards to all our friends and subjects (biology, history and English).

Emmjay 🙂

1990

20 Friday Mar 2020

Posted by in Algernon

≈ 4 Comments

Do you need a better argument for selective infanticide ?
Sometimes you really press my buttons, Algy !

Playlist by Algernon

Blue Sky Mine – Midnight Oil

Thunderstruck – AC/DC

Suicide Blonde – INXS

I need your body – Tina Arena

Nothing compares 2 U – Sinead O’Connor

U Can’t touch this – M.C. Hammer

Love shack – B52’s

Don’t know much – Linda Ronstadt with Aaron Neville

Janie’s got a gun – Aerosmith

Pump up the Jam – Techtronic featuring Felly

Vogue – Madonna

It must have been love – Roxette

Unchained Melody – Righteous Brothers

Enjoy the silence – Depeche Mode

Coal Seam Gas – in St Peters

20 Friday Mar 2020

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 30 Comments

Saw Jim Conway’s Big Wheel down in Camelot a few months ago. Jim, as some of us will know and Mick Conway were the anchor men for Captain Matchbox’s Whoopie Band in the 1970s.

Jim is often described as being the finest blues harp player in Australia – nowadays playing from a wheelchair because he has MS.

When he played at Camelot, he ordered a jug of ice water and half way through the set, poured it over his head – saying that one of the ways of reducing the impact of MS is to cool the brain. I wonder what other mental health problems might respond to a similar treatment.

Did you know that some patients receiving chemotherapy that causes all their hair to fall out sometimes use a cap that circulates cold water during their treatment. So, “keeping a cool head” might just have a ring of truth to it !

Meanwhile, enjoy Jim and his Band – here’s more on Youtube.

Regards,

Emmjay

Another Senior Falls Victim to the Corolla Virus

18 Wednesday Mar 2020

Posted by in Emmjay

≈ 2 Comments

Our thanks to Mal Lang for the loan of his lovely photograph.

Story by Emmjay

Another Australian Senior – General “Motors” Holden is the latest Australian icon to fall victim to the Corolla Virus pandemic.

How do you know you’ve got the Corolla Virus ?

Our Pig’s Arms specialist, Morris Major says these are the things to look out for:

  • There’s a small white deposit in your driveway
  • And a similar sized perforation in your bank account.
  • You find yourself defending an overwhelming blandness with statements like “It’s incredibly reliable and cheap to run”.
  • You have an urge to wear white long socks and sandals.
  • Friends will notice that you find boiled rice especially tasty.
  • You fart a lot when you drink the milk that every other grown up has stopped drinking – mainly because Milo is your beverage of choice.
  • You are secretly glad when a childcare centre opens up near you because you can drive at your comfortable speed of 40km/h without people honking and abusing you.
  • When you go on holidays, there is a familiar-looking white deposit in a driveway of a shack in Ettalong.
  • You do not need to clean birdshit off your car.
  • The one CD in your car was recorded by Enya.

Unfortunately, like chickenpox, the Corolla Virus is impossible to completely kill and you’re likely to experience occasional outbreaks particularly when you are under a lot of stress, like during pick up times at that childcare centre you used to wish for when tiny Mums in giant four wheel drives lose control, in shopping centre car parks and going to Andre Rieu concerts.

However, the Corolla Virus can be managed by staying away from the friends that you don’t have … and by asking a demented senior to mind your keys.

Pig-Tel Hand Sanitiser

17 Tuesday Mar 2020

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 16 Comments

Pig-Tel Hand and Throat Sanitiser

In the spirit of communal co-operation and to overcome lunatic panic buyers, herewith the famous Pig-Tel Hand and Throat Sanitiser (formerly) secret recipe.

Ingredients

    • Ingredients
  • 1 Litre of Pig’s Arms Famous Pink Drink – alternatively 2 Litres of Stolly Vodka.
  • 2 Packets of Aeroplane Red Jelly Crystals – shaken, not stirred yet. – alternatively Port Wine Jelly Crystals.
  • 1 Teaspoon of cranberry juice
  • 1 Lemon
    • Method
  • Take a small bucket.
  • Place the lemon next to the bucket, but not too close.
  • Dissolve the Jelly crystals in the cranberry juice – in the bucket, bozo.
  • While you are waiting for the last crystal to dissolve, have a sip of Famous Pink Drink or drink one of the two bottles of Stolly.
  • In the unlikely event that all the jelly crystals dissolve, add the remaining Pink Drink or the second bottle of Stolly.
  • Stir vigorously with your hands.
  • Lick the Pig-Tel sanitiser off your hands.
  • Bingo – hand and throat sanitising all done.
  • In the interest of good hygiene, if somebody else wants to use your Pig-Tel Hand and Throat sanitiser, tell them to fuck off and make their own. Nicely, of course. We’re not phillipstines here.

BREAKING: Coronavirus Has Contracted Peter Dutton, Authorities Have Confirmed

17 Tuesday Mar 2020

Posted by in The Shovel

≈ 4 Comments

The Shovel

By The Shovel on March 13, 2020

COVID-19 has contracted Peter Dutton, it has been revealed.

The unsettling news was confirmed in a press release this morning. Condolences have flooded in from around the world, with thousands sending their thoughts and prayers. 

Thousands of people have been infected by Mr Dutton over the past 10 years, with many taking years to recover. 

“This is a cruel blow. We’re praying for a speeding recovery,” medical officials said. 

More to come.